I realized last night that I really am having a little PTSD now that I am back at TTC. Despite the fact that I have taken away the need to stress about getting pregnant, and the need to do everything in my power to make it happen short of using OPKs and timed intercourse, I am still a little shell shocked. The part of me that I didn't think would come back this time around, absolutely has.
You know how when you've been in the TTC ring for so long, you flinch when you see a pregnant belly, avert your eyes when you go past the maternity section, or want to throw things at the TV every time a pregnancy test commercial comes on? Well, paint a big red dot on the floor, because I'm there. The worst part is, I am really surprised I feel this way.
I am working on getting past these feelings because I don't want to own them anymore. I thought I left them at the door when I got pregnant over 2 years ago now. I honestly did not expect them to resurface, but holy cow, have they ever! It isn't even a conscious thing. It isn't until the thought has been thought that I realize my brain put it out there. Every time it does, I have to sort through it in an attempt to help it on its way and out of my life.
I don't like being the green eyed-monster. I don't like being a bitter infertile. I have no reason to be that person either. I already overcame my infertility and have a beautiful baby girl to show for it. So why then, does it hurt so much to see these things?
I guess it is just like how when that song you danced to at your Junior Prom comes on the radio, you get taken back to that time and place. You remember how you felt that night when this song came on and you looked your date in the eyes and told yourself it was a moment you would never forget. Only this time, the song stinks and it takes me back to a place and time in my life I would rather leave behind.
I know what I need to do right now. I need to move these feelings and use them for something else. They have served their purpose, which is to protect me from heartache. Now they need a new purpose. I haven't figured out what it is yet, but I will work on finding them a new home and soon.
See that! My blog is just as good as seeing a shrink and it doesn't cost me a dime!
6 comments:
All kinds of love for you lady... we will both get out of this ring, I just know it!
Seriously sweety, I have a beautiful baby also, and I still feel PTSD from infertility. Sometimes I think I ALWAYS will. I heard a pregnancy announcement the other day, and I flinched. I couldn't figure out why I did, I JUST had a baby myself. It's just so weird what infertility can do to us.
LOL - it's the best shrink EVER! :) These feelings are so hard to process but man oh man girl, you are on the right track. Acknowledging them was the hardest step for me, I wanted to act like they were not there because I didn't want to be "that infertile girl". But in the end we all just want a child and we are all that girl at some point. Noticing that they are there and giving them the boot right away is such a great plan - I need to work on that myself. Love you girl - you will overcome, you are one of the strongest women I know!!!
As an infertile, those feelings will always be with us. The hard part is keeping them suppressed. Even if you've overcome infertility once, but when you're back in the TTC arena, those feelings come back to the surface.
Like you said, find a new purpose for those feelings. Replace them with good, positive feelings. ((Hugs))
You're right, blogging is excellent therapy. I'm sorry these feelings are resurfacing and bothering you, but I do agree with the other commenters. You are strong enough to find the positive side. You have been through so much already to get back into the TTC game. Hang in there!!
xx (HUGS)
I know exactly how you feel. I go out of my way to avoid the baby/maternity section at stores, avoid pregnant women, and flinch whenever I receive baby shower invitations in the mail. It's just so hard to not feel these feelings ... we are human and we hurt. But acknowledging these feelings, realizing what they do to you, and deciding to put them to good use .... that's what makes the difference between despair and hope. I am so proud of you for not getting bogged down in despair. You are such a strong woman. I'm hoping and praying for you throughout this journey and I'm right there (virtually) beside you. You go girl!
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