Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I was going to do a post tonight about a belated case of the Mondays, but my To Do list wasn't cute or quarky because I haven't had much on my mind other than being in the TWW. During the only meeting I have had so far this week I mapped out when AF is due to help me determine the earliest date I could take a pregnancy test, which is next Tuesday or Wednesday. AF is due on Wednesday, but if my last pregnancy is any indication, I wouldn't get a positive until a couple days after AF is due. Of course, all babies are different and this one could kick out the hormones faster than the Munchkin did. I guess we'll see.
I don't know if I told you all, but I started talking to my BIL (aka MIL) again recently. If you missed that lovely post, you can read about it here, but you really don't have to. She is always true to form and a complete B to the last drop. Anyway, she read my blog post on the primary blog where I asked if anyone knew why I would ovulate early, so she decided to send me an email. Keep in mind, I am only 31. She told me that a shortened cycle was due to lack of estrogen, and that estrogen depletes as we get older and near menopause. She also told me that getting nooky helps to increase estrogen levels and then went into way too much detail about her own sexual past post-menopause. Seriously?! I know she was going for shock factor there, but come on lady! Have some class will you?
I emailed her back and basically told her to shut her pie hole. Never talk to an infertile about monthly cycles! Its like talking to an accountant about taxes when you don't have any idea what you're talking about (which she does to her accountant sister). I put her in her place and then told her what my doctor said about all of my symptoms being an indication of high fertility.
She didn't email me back.
Now leave me alone.
I just love how she says I am overly sensitive and take everything she says the wrong way. No, no I'm not. I know exactly how she means it, and she means it exactly how I take it. She is just super manipulative, and I'm not falling for it or having it.
Have I mentioned I loathe this woman?
My husband told me tonight that his mother probably was menopausal at my age thanks to all her years of recreational drugs and binge drinking. He said when she was 31 she looked like she was 50, had no hair, had no teeth, and was single. I guess she is just trying to bring me down to make herself feel better. Too bad for her I'm neither weak, nor stupid. She is the only one who feels bad for her.
I don't want to leave you all with a bad taste in your mouth, so I will finish this post with something else. I just needed to get that off my chest, as this is cheap therapy.
I have the cutest post idea, and I am hoping to put it together this weekend. All I will say is that it involves my fabulous dogs doing what they do best. I learned this past weekend that I am not doing one of them any favors by not getting her into agility, and now I am really thinking about it. It will require an initial investment for equipment and a bit of time, but I think the enjoyment all of us will get out of it will be so beyond worth it. So stay tuned for a post that will make you smile and laugh. :)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Now that all of that is out of the way, I wanted to let you all know that I am officially in my first TWW for the first time in over two years. I am really excited and I feel really good about things. I feel positive, and am praying that my positivity is because my intuition is right. I won't know until the end of the week at the earliest. I just hope and pray there is a little embie making its way down the fallopian tube right now.
Things on the antidepressant front are going well too. I moved my dose back up to 30mg a week and a half ago and have leveled off nicely. I am back to where I was on the 40mg dose. I am every bit as happy and content with no mood swings, depression, or other weirdness. I do get a little dizzy from time to time, which is normal and is about the only symptom I have had since I boosted the dose back up. I will try stepping down to 20 this week and see how things go. I am sure I will have to re-equilibriate on that dose, but I know now what to expect and about how long it should last. I am confident that I will be able to be off the meds within the next 6 or so weeks.
Well, its late and I am really sleepy, so I'm off to bed. Night ya'll!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I believe that every woman's past makes her who she is. Her past relationships are sometimes her dark, hidden secrets that make her smile oh so mysterious and are rarely talked about. They are what is behind the curtain. Sometimes those stories are just too rich to not share. One day I will share all of my stories with my daughter when she grows up so that she can know her mother really did live before she met her father, got married, and started her family. I like to think that my past might one day help my daughter make good decisions because she knows her mother has been there and done that and can give her wise advice. I will also delight in seeing the smile on her face when I tell her about some of the cutest stories, or laugh when I tell her about some of the dumber guys.
It was through dating that I was able to weed out the qualities I didn't want in a husband and find the man I did want to unquestionably spend the rest of my life with. Each and every guy who came and went through my life was an integral part of who I am today and the relationship I have with my husband. I often think back over those relationships and laugh at the silliness, the stupidity, and definitely the drama.
I wanted to tell you one story in particular, but it is already 11:30 here and I should be in bed. Not only that, but the story would make this post way too long. So instead, I will tell you about my all-time favorite kiss. No, it wasn't with my husband, although he has had some chart toppers. Again, don't tell him!
A couple months before I met my husband, I was dating a guy we'll call James. I had met him at church and was instantly attracted to him. He was built like a big farm boy, burly, with reddish hair and freckles. He was reserved and sweet. Being the lioness I was, I found and stalked my prey until I had won my prize.
From the moment we started dating, I vowed to take things slow with this guy. I didn't want to rush through all the firsts, as those are the most thrilling part of a new relationship (and my favorite). I also decided to let him do things on his terms. In other words, I was going to let him make all of the first moves.
We had been dating for two weeks and James and I still had not kissed. We went on a date one weekend, and he took me home afterward. He was the perfect gentleman and walked me up to my front door. We hugged for a bit and said the usual, "I had a good time" jazz. I waited for him to kiss me, but he didn't. I could tell he wanted to, but he was too chicken to just go for it. Since I had promised myself I wouldn't make the first move, I just smiled to myself and enjoyed the intensity of the anticipation. He finally told me good night, turned, and walked down the sidewalk to his truck. I stood on the door step smiling as I watched him go, wondering when he would make his move. Just then he stopped at the end of the sidewalk, turned around, came back, and gave me the sweetest, most gentle, yet passionate kiss ever.
I will never forget that kiss. I had never been kissed like that before, and I had never had a guy walk away, kicking himself so much for not kissing me that he actually turned around and came back to do the job. It was pure magic.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Have any of you in the US heard of a site called Gro.upon? My husband joined this site last year because they have daily deals for attractions around your area. For example, there was a dinner theater here that was selling tickets to a show for 60% off the original cost. You could only get the deal by buying the Gro.upon through the website. Each deal usually lasts only a day. Sometimes stipulations are placed on the deal, such as at least 30 people have to buy in or the deal is off. My husband bought my laser hair removal through one of these babies (which, by the way is going awesome; I know I'm weird because the laser doesn't hurt, it tickles--at the highest setting).
While we were at work today, DH sent me a link to the deal of the day, which happened to be a class on speed reading. At first I thought it was stupid and wondered if he was serious. Then I looked into the website for the company offering the class and realized I could use speed reading to get through my blogs in half the time it normally takes me, which means I could keep up, which means I could quit feeling guilty when I can't keep up, which means I won't avoid the blogs because I know I am so far behind I will never catch up. Whoa! Sign me up baby! See that, I'm always thinking about my blogs. lol
I'm hoping he bought the deal. I can't tell you how appealing it sounds to me, not only for blogging purposes, but because I want a Kin.dle for Christmas. Do you know how many books I could read?! The company also guarantees that you don't lose comprehension by speed reading, it just helps you read faster so you can read more. I like that idea.
If he actually did sign us up, I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes. :)
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Q: How did your blog get started, and what is it about?
A: This blog is actually my secondary and anonymous blog. It was started just one year ago when I was dealing with some serious post partum depression after my daughter was born. I felt like I had been given a double wammy in that I had gone through two years of infertility just to become a mother, and then when I finally achieved the dream, I got hit with PPD and wasn't able to enjoy being a mother the way I wanted and needed to. My first blog was so therapeutic while I was fighting the IF battle that I decided I needed an anonymous blog to help me through PPD because I didn't want everyone IRL to know I was going through this and on medication.
This blog gives me complete and total freedom to write whatever I want without the fear of someone IRL coming across it. Sometimes we just need to vent about people or circumstances in our lives to help us deal with those situations, but that doesn't mean we need our friends and family knowing about it (or reading what we say about them).
Q: What do you blog about most?
A: I mostly blog about every day life. I don't write very much here about my battles with infertility (I am still fighting it while trying to conceive again) or even being a mother. This blog is more about my random thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it is funny (or so I think), sometimes it is serious, and sometimes it is thoughtful. There are no holes barred when it comes to this blog and my subject matter.
Q: What do you like about blogging?
A: I love that I get to meet and support so many other women who know exactly the pain and trauma I have been through, both with my battles through infertility, and my battle with depression. It is nice to know that am I not alone in my struggles, but I also appreciate the opportunity to help uplift others who are where I have been. I love to think that I give others hope in their darkest hours.
Q: Who are you?
A: I am a mother who overcame infertility and PPD, who is now living the life she always dreamed of. I am a wife to one of the most incredible, loving, caring, understanding man on the planet. I am blessed beyond words in every aspect of my life. I am an avid dog lover. I am logical and emotional, crazy and sane, a lover of life, and a friend to many. I am a healer, full of empathy and love, with strength to give when strength is needed. I am the best me I can possibly be. If there were two of me, we would be the best of friends.
I hope you enjoyed your introduction into Saige, the anon blogger. I look forward to reading your blogs as ICLW gets under way. Thank you for stopping by. :)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The last week or so I have had a really hard time being at work. I didn't know why. I like my job. I like what I do. I like the people I work with. But I just plain didn't want to be there so bad it was downright depressing. On top of that, I was unbelievably exhausted. I couldn't focus. I couldn't remember what day of the week it was (still can't). All I wanted to do was sleep. I was so blue, and for no good reason. When I went out to lunch with my two best friends, I had nothing to say. I just sat there, and for once, couldn't hold up my end of the conversation. It was very out of character for me.
Yesterday at work, I was tired of being so down and not knowing why. Then I had an epiphany. I IMed my best friend J, who is also on anti-deps, and asked her if she thought my blues were a side effect of coming off the meds. Her instant reply was, "Yes." So I turned to Dr. Google. As I read up, I realized I had been having major withdrawals from the meds and didn't even know it. It sure explained a LOT about my behavior the last two weeks.
I blew up at my husband twice over the weekend with little to no provocation on his part, and I was so angry I was seething inside. I don't remember the last time I was that mad, let alone over nothing. On Monday I was full on screaming at other drivers on my way into work. I got there and thought how very unlike me that was. But during none of those outbreaks did I piece together it had anything to do with withdrawals. I've never been on meds this long before, and certainly never long enough to have withdrawals from them. I honestly thought I would half my dose every other week for six weeks and wouldn't notice. HA!
After I googled to find out what the symptoms were, I IMed my husband and told him what I had found. Like me, he said it explained a lot about my recent behavior. I was seriously depressed that going off my antidepressants was making me depressed. I had no idea this was going to happen. I also read that my doctor is smarter than most doctors about getting me off the meds, but that he was still doing it too quickly. I'll spare you the details, but after some thought on my part, a discussion with my friends and family who have been on SSRI's, and a quick phone call to my doctor, I have decided to make getting off the meds take longer than anticipated. I simply cannot handle the withdrawal symptoms, or rather, choose not to.
My mother thinks because I am having withdrawals it means I should never go off of them. Thanks mom, but you're wrong. ANYONE who has been on them and especially for more than 6 months is going to have withdrawals even with tapering off very slowly, simply because the brain now has to figure out how to do on its own what the meds have been doing for it. It takes time for that to work. That's just like saying people who smoke should always smoke because the withdrawal symptoms mean they need the nicotine to survive. Guess again.
The good thing is, my withdrawal symptoms make me terribly apathetic about pretty much everything right now, so I don't care if it takes me longer to get off of them. Whatever. One side effect I am loving though is loss of appetite. I eat too much normally, so it is nice to not have food sound good for a while, especially because I would like to drop a few before I get knocked up in a couple weeks. ;)
So tonight I bumped my dose up to 1.5 times what I have been on for the last two weeks in an attempt to regain my happiness equilibrium, and I will taper off even more slowly than originally planned. Its worth my sanity and that of the loved ones around me. Bummer, but oh well. We do what we have to do, right gals?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 8 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.
Seven things about me you don't already know huh? This should be fun.
- I don't think I am transitioning well to going off the meds. I have been very lethargic, have a major case of apathy regarding most things, and have been generally cranky, but mostly while at work. Now that I think about it, the lack of meds may have nothing to do with any of those symptoms at all, since they only seem to be present while at work. Hmmmm....
- Since I can no longer spend money willy nilly, due to finally combining finances with my husband in an attempt to rid ourselves of debt, I have replaced my need to spend with a need to clean. Instead of getting a high off of buying something, I now get a high off of cleaning a space or decluttering. My house has never been so constantly clean, and DH likes the decluttering.
- Despite my newly found lethargy and apathy, I am extremely excited to start BDing with a cause in the next couple of days. It has been so long since we were able to do that, and I am really looking forward to it. I feel as though a gate has been opened, and my horse has been cleared to race after a long stint in the stall due to injuries.
- I hate Texas summers with a passion. I was totally over this summer the day summer left last year. I have honestly been dreading this summer since last October when things finally cooled down, and enjoyed each and every day where the thermometer didn't get over 85 between then and May of this year. These 100 degree temps have my permission to make a very early exit.
- Infertility never affected anyone close to me until I moved to Texas. Now I have two friends, one of them a best friend, who are fighting the good fight.
- I like plants. I can't always keep them alive, but I love having them around. I have 7 plants on my desk at work and 9+ plants at home. I think that is why my house doesn't smell like dogs, because the plants scrub the air. I am always on the lookout for new plants.
- My husband and I are relandscaping our back yard, and he is putting in a fish pond just for me. He knows I love the idea of having a fish pond, so he is willing to spare the expense of time and money to give it to me. He's the sweetest.
There you have it, my 7 things. This is where my lame apathy comes in. I am just going to say that if you feel like being presented with this award, leave me a comment stating as much, and I will pass it on. :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
This, my friends, is a Ch.evy Trav.erse. It has all of the amenities of a minivan, but it doesn't look like a minivan. The only other thing it doesn't have in common with a minivan is a ton of space, but I am willing to give up a bit of space for a car that doesn't automatically stereotype me as a woman driver in a minivan (e.g., stupid, unable to drive and think that the same time).
This is exactly the color I want too. It can come with all the amenities such as a DVD entertainment system for the kiddies and climate controls in the back seat, which is a huge selling point for me. I want one RIGHT NOW, but not only do I not need it right now, Hubs and I are very diligently paying off our credit cards and heading toward getting out of debt in the next few months. Once the cards are gone and there is a bun in the oven, this baby will be mine. I salivate and dream about it daily.
Just a side note, I am behind on commenting and reading, again, but will be catching up this weekend. :)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Over the past weekend I took the Munchkin to get some new sandals. We still have about a billion more days left of summer here in Texas, and she just outgrew her two existing pairs. Believe it or not, even though summer is ENDLESS in Texas, people quit carrying sandals already. This didn't bother me one bit though because I knew exactly where to find some, and I knew they would be on sale. I was right. Not only were they on sale, they were buy one get one half off, which meant I basically got the Munchkin a free pair of sandals when I also decided to buy myself a new, larger (e.g., mom) purse.
I didn't used to be a purse gal. In fact, when I met my husband I kept my keys, wallet, and chapstick in my pocket. He somehow convinced me that keeping all of those things in my pockets wasn't "hot", so I finally broke down and bought a purse. I've had them ever since. The caveat there is that I refused to carry anything bigger than a small purse. As in, just big enough to carry my phone, wallet, keys, a tube of chapstick, and a pack of tissues. However, I recently came to the conclusion that I should carry a bigger purse if for no other reason than that I could carry snacks for my daughter in it to help prevent hunger meltdowns.
So while I was buying toddler sandals, I bought the next purse size up from my current model. It still isn't a large purse, but it is a medium sized one. When I got home, it was sickening how much I enjoyed all of the space and compartments it had. I can fit a diaper, a pack of wipes, 3 disposable bibs, and a bunch of disposable color-on placements for the Munchkin in one pocket! Not only that, but its a side pocket! My husband laughed as I happily stuffed things in there that I had never been able to fit in my old purse. I was so excited as I shoved a baggie of cereal in there, knowing it wouldn't get squished in the cavernous middle pocket. I kept saying over and over that I loved being a mom.
Then I hit him with, "I've got the mom purse, now I need the mom car." :D
A couple of weekends ago we went looking at bigger vehicles. We'll get one when we're close to having our second child, but we wanted to see what was available before then so we could get an idea not only of what we wanted, but the price of the vehicle. The thing I love about cars now is I can walk into a dealership and say, "I want a vehicle that seats 7-8 people, but that isn't a minivan," and they take me to a crossover that does just that.
I REFUSE to drive a minivan.
Happily, they have some awesome crossovers that are exactly like minivans, only without the dumpy van look and without a sliding door. Now all I need is another bun in the oven, and the vehicle I want is mine! Here's to hoping I get my new car in about 8 months. ;)
Monday, August 9, 2010
This Monday was an extra special one. It started out like any other over the past week with my being awoken by Cak.e's Typew.riter (which, by the way, I'm not sold on being woken up to). But the difference today was I got to dawn blue jeans and a comfy, casual-ish shirt. I had to be out of the house by 7:40 because I wasn't heading to work, I was heading to jury duty. Oh yeah, good old jury duty.
Guess what? I'd rather have my foot stuck in a bear trap than go to jury duty. Okay, maybe not, but I really didn't want to go. At all. Some people were envious I had been called, others thought it would be fun, and some were of the same opinion I was, Ugh. I'm all for juries, as long as I'm not on them. I think they're important, so they should want people to be on them who are willing to be on them and who aren't just there out of civil duty or the fear of being tossed in jail for being held contempt if they don't show up.
I showed up on time, barely, thanks to traffic coming to a complete halt several times on the freeway despite the fact I was going the opposite direction of commuting traffic (which did not help my mood [did I mention I'm PMSing today?]). I walked up the marble staircase to the jury room and feasted my eyes upon hundreds (yes 300 of us) of other lucky juror candidates. I checked in, made my way to an empty seat, and waited. Over the next two hours they read over reasons we might be exempted from serving today, and then told us they only needed 72 people. They began calling out the names of the first 20. I laughed to myself as I thought, "I won't be picked simply because they won't be able to say my last name." Just as they were getting ready to call the remaining 52, they told us the case had been cancelled and we could all go.
At 10:00 on a Monday morning, I was free! I had absolutely ZERO intention of going into work. I called DH to tell him I had been dismissed and asked if I should go to work. He said he would. Yeah right, who doesn't use a Get Out Of Jail Free pass when they have one? So I went and did my grocery shopping. After I got home and unloaded, I called my dad, who also told me if he had gotten out early, he would go to work. Dammit! I felt guilty. I needed to be at work. I had deadlines, but, but.... By 12:00, my butt was in my desk chair and my computer was booting. I hated myself for the next 5 hours. I seriously wanted to kick my own butt.
Although today wasn't my typical Monday, it was definitely a Monday, as evidenced by my walking into Subw.ay at lunch and ordering a 6-foot sandwich, instead of a footlong. Wow. After a bevy of other brainless things today, I decided it was appropriate to put, "Stop Being Blonde" on my list of things to do this week.
Happy work-week ya'll!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
As for life lately, well it has just been plain busy. I am definitely not on the blogs as much anymore, but I do catch up whenever I get the chance. I have taken the pressure off of myself to read each and every single update on both of my blogs, as well as my need to post frequently. If I don't feel like getting on to post or read one day, I don't. It has been so nice to allow myself to enjoy life without adding stress of keeping up on 85+ blogs and posting on 2. And honestly, I don't think anyone really notices all that much. They might think, "Hey, she hasn't commented on my blog for a few days," but I doubt any of you get upset about it. I know I don't when it goes the other way. I just figure you are living life, and you'll catch up when you have time. I do still have nights where I tell my husband I want to blog after we put the baby to bed, and he is okay with that as long as he gets the majority of my nights all to himself.
Not much has been going on lately. I'm just waiting for AF to rear next week, and then its full tilt to baby production for the first time in over 2 years. I am excited and hopeful to be back in the game. I've been gearing up and lining out battle plans. DH is aware of his responsibilities in this task. I told him just when and how many times he will need to perform, and I have given him plenty of notice so he won't have any excuses when the time comes. I've been trying to pump him up. lol
That's it on my end. I hope ya'll are doing great!
Monday, August 2, 2010
I woke up this morning to a new CD. My daughter had taken my Frank Sinatra CD out and run around the house with it. Rather than try to find it, I put in the sound track to Or.ange Cou.nty. I was a little perplexed when Ca.ke's Ty.pewriter started playing to greet me to another Monday morning. What had I done to deserve yet another weekend disappearing into oblivion all too soon?
You know the drill. I got out of bed, got ready for work, and all that jazz, but today was a little different. You see, Hubs and I had a semi-argument this weekend about whose fault it was we had been getting out of the house between 7:45-7:50 during the week, so today neither of us wanted it to be our fault if we weren't all out the door by 7:30. The stink actually got up 20 minutes early just to try to beat me! And then he didn't do the Munchkin's hair in anyway that would keep it out of her face for more than 5 minutes. I made him wait until I could pull it back into some braids before he whisked her off to daycare.
I got into work feeling pretty good for a Monday. Made myself a blueberry English muffin with butter, but before I even had the chance to sign into IM, I got a meeting request to remind me today was the Q2 Quarterly review. Dag nabit! Can't a girl take a second to gear up for her Monday before being thrown into meetings?!
The review was a joke, and I had to try not to scoff through half of it. Morale at my company is pretty low, what with their recent downsizing of not only our shoe boxes, er cubicles, as well as staff. Then the VP talked about how proud he was of Gary's team for launching their product on time. *SCOFF* *SNIGGER* *Try not to choke on your own spit please* Gary may have released on time, but let's just say things have not gone swimmingly since he did because he rushed the project rather than taking the time to do things right. Way to go Gary. Pat yourself on the back... with a mace....
By the time that painful meeting got over, it was time for the meeting with Gary's team. The one in which I doodle the lovely To Do List above. Shortly after I walked in, so did Gary. The meeting commenced, along with said doodling. At one point something was said that made me want to give the commenter a serious high five. After it was said, I looked at Gary to see his reaction (because I was sure it wouldn't make him happy). Gary looked like he had been hit by a bus. His eyes were all blood shot, he looked like he had aged 10 years, and he looked like complete crap. It shocked me, but I actually felt bad for him. I wondered what was going on that would cause him to look so horrible. I even thought about asking him if he was okay. (Holy shnikies, I was going to ask if he was okay!) I didn't though.
My day went on, and I muddled through. The company provided lunch, as they do with every quarterly review, and I enjoyed the company of one of my two BFFs, J. Together we snarfed down chips and salsa and enchiladas. All too soon, it was over and we were back to work. But the best part was yet to come!
At 7:40 tonight, I headed out the door for an hour-long massage. Oh yeah baby! Who is the smart, sexy gal who thought to schedule herself a massage at the end of a Monday? That would be ME because I rock like that.
Can I just say, the massage was AWE-SOME! I gave up each and every muscle to the masseuse's fingers. I didn't fight her touch once, no matter how uncomfortable some of my muscles were. I let her take each and every knot. Then she got to my feet, and holy cow I was in HEAVEN! She worked my feet like they have never been worked before. She rubbed each little piggy up and down and all around, and it felt so incredible. I don't remember the last time my shoulders felt as loose as they do right now. I only wish it would last.
That brings us to now, my favorite part of a Monday, sitting in bed, blogging, and getting ready to say good night to all the world. And with that, I bid you all good evening.
P.S. Today's effigy is me holding Gary The Snake by the throat as an arrow pierces his side while telling him to, "Testify!". Next to us is a sequence of clocks in which time stands still, and then goes backward during the wrong part of the day.