Saturday, January 30, 2010


In my last post I left off telling you to look forward to this post, in which I tell you about how two of my Top 5 traits came to bite me in the @$$ on Thursday.

Thursday was a great day. I was excited because my parents were coming into town for the Munchkin's birthday, so I couldn't wait to get out of work and get the party started. A few minutes before I headed out, my boss called me into his office and shut the door. I jokingly said, "Uh oh!" He laughed and told me I wasn't in trouble, but that he did want to talk to me about something.

There is a girl on my office who has been taking a lot of crap from everyone else. I figured it was because of the role she plays in the company. No one in that position is ever liked, whether they are a great person or not. It isn't fair, and I don't appreciate someone being treated poorly when they are trying to do their job. I sat in on a large meeting where my coworkers proceeded to yell at this girl, who is usually very calm, until she got upset. I made me kind of mad on her behalf. When it came time in the meeting for her to talk to me, her guard was already up and she felt like I was attacking her when I told her I could not meet the deadline she gave me because she hadn't gotten me what I needed to do it.

The next day I ran into her in the break room. I walked up to her and told her I was sorry about the meeting the day before. I let her know I wasn't attacking her, but that I realized she felt that way after everyone else had lit into her during that meeting. I then told her I was sorry she had taken so much crap, that I didn't envy her position, and that she didn't deserve to be treated that way.

I saw an opportunity to make a friend. She seems so very sweet. I made jokes with her the rest of the day, and the next day took her a candy bar to help lighten her mood and help her de-stress a bit.

Thursday I went to lunch with two of my coworkers who began to talk very negatively about this girl. As I listened to their conversation, I wondered if they could really be talking about the same girl. As one of them is a very dear friend of mine and has been for the past couple years, I knew he wasn't lying. I know his personality, and he is a lot like me. He told me that he had tried to be kind to her and help her out, but she turned around a back bit him to other people, as well as his boss. He didn't understand why she did it and was upset about it. I didn't like hearing that. I didn't participate in the conversation, but figured she must be really stressed out.

That afternoon in my boss's office, he told me she had done the same to me with my conversation with her in the break room. I stared at my boss in bewilderment. How could she back bite me with what I said? I didn't say anything other than to try to console her. He told me she had twisted my words and gone to her boss and her boss's boss and made it look like I had taken her side in a situation that was not a good one to be in. He told me her doing so was giving me a bad wrap. He knew what I was trying to do in the break room, which was make a friend and help her de-stress. He told me he knows my personality, and so he knows I didn't do things the way she said. But he told me to be very careful about what I say to her because my good intentions could come back to bite me in the @$$.

I sat there for a minute, just staring at him. He asked what was wrong, and I told him I was disappointed. He asked why, and I told him because I felt like she needed a friend, and that is what I was trying to be. He told me he knew, and then said that some people only watch out for themselves. He felt bad I had to learn that the hard way in this situation. He said he had snubbed the fuse early on on my behalf ,before it had gone any further in the company and ruined any of my working relationships. I was gobsmacked, and so very, very disappointed.

That night I wondered if what he had told me was correct, if she really had been watching out for only herself and used me as a shield. My coworker friend said she was notorious for throwing people under the bus. Maybe they are right, but the positive person in me doesn't want to see it. I am just so very disappointed. I thought we could be friends, but I can't be friends with someone who doesn't care about my reputation and standing in the company and who back bites me even in the most innocent and positive of situations. It is just sad.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


I want to tell you about another one of my Top 5 personality traits. (If you missed the last one and care to read about it, you can find that post here.) When this attribute came out in my Top 5, everyone laughed, including me. No one thought they could see it, including me. It was positivity. In talking to my boss after my test, he determined that it must not mean what everyone thinks it means. That there must be a deeper meaning. On the surface everyone thinks it means I always look for the positives in every single situation. They see that attribute as a Polly.anna.

The definition of this attribute is:

You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish their glass were as full as your seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your positivity won't allow it. Somehow you can't quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one's sense of humor.

Two years ago, that WAS hard to see in me because I was still batteling infertility. But today, that is me to a T. I don't think people would laugh about my having that trait in my Top 5 these days. The deeper meaning also came to light a few months ago when I started going to the Shrink. During one of our sessions she kept likening my past experiences to a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Apparently the post where I talked about that has gone to the Blog Post Graveyard because I talked about my old friend in it, but that session was a breakthrough day for me. In fact, after I got back to work that afternoon, I marched straight into my boss's office and told him I have figured out how Positivity made it into my Top 5. He smiled really big and said I was right.

I am so glad that my PPD lead me down the path it did, because if it hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be able to look at this trait and see it as true. I am grateful for the battle I fought to get here. There is a good in everything, sometimes we just have to look harder to see it.

Now stay tuned for the post in which my Developer and Positivity turn around and bite me in the @$$.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I'm Not Proud

If you were lucky enough to read my post yesterday where I aired my dirty laundry with my MIL, I apologize. If you were lucky enough to catch the two posts from today in which I continued airing my dirty laundry, I apologize even further. However, I don't think more than a few eyes perused my words before they met the Blog Post Graveyard, like so many other posts before them. I think I have deleted somewhere around 12+ posts since the inception of this blog.

Now that I have apologized to any of my readers, I have to say that I am not proud of my actions the last couple of days. I am not a cruel person, and I don't think I was in any of my emails to my MIL, but I know that her feelings were hurt, even if what I said was meant to make her open her eyes to the way she is destroying every relationship in her life.

I found tonight that my Developer trait was really coming through as I mulled over what I said to her and how I could have said it better. I thought about trying to patch things up and helping her realize where she is going wrong with everyone, showing her why she rubs everyone the wrong way. I want to help her make amends with her family, because right now, no one is talking to her and no one can stand her. She is in a very, very lonely place, and I don't think anyone should ever be there or deserves to be there.

I sunk pretty low today, but the woman had my blood absolutely boiling, so much so that I was shaking in anger. I will just say that our email chain continued and ended today. I sent her an email this morning and she responded much the way I expected, so I laid into her. I started out by telling her it was the last time I would communicate with her and then proceeded to tell her why. At the end of the email I told her if she wanted any pictures of her grandbaby or any family news, she would have to ask her son for it. That was a total slap in the face because he is not and has not been talking to her for years. I was the megaphone between them, much to my extreme dismay, but today I told her I officially bowed out of that position. I then asked her to not email me, talk to me, or read my blog until she could be kind and considerate to me.

I want to say I don't know where this side of me came from, but I know exactly where. This animal has been building for the last 5 years, and I knew one day it would explode. I knew one day I would tell her off and put her in her place. Secretly, I've been wishing for this day since the day before my wedding. But do I feel any better now that it has come and gone? No.

There is a part of me, which is a huge part of me, who wants to tell her I'm sorry and then help her. But at the same time, I don't want to talk to her because I know she can't be nice. She thinks she is, and she likes to blame her rudeness on everyone else but her. The woman cannot be kind to save her life, and someone needs to teach her how. Somewhere along the way, the manners her parents taught her went out the window.

I feel pretty badly about things tonight, but I don't know if I want to fix or change it. That tells me I am not ready to embark on that yet. I think we both need to stew for a while and think things over before we even think about trying to pick up the pieces.

The last paragraph of her email said something I was not shocked to read. She thanked me for standing up to her and having the guts to tell her what all of her family thinks but is too gutless to say. They think they say it to her, but they don't lay it out the way I did today.

For now, we will not talk or communicate. I am sure I will be the one to patch things up when it is time, as I always am. But for now, I need my space from this relationship.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Yes, I am Wonderwoman

I want to start off by saying my husband and I have a great marriage. We have a relationship most couples envy. We were definitely made for one another and we both waited until we had found each other to get married. I was 25 when we met, he was 29. Suffice it to say, neither of us settled. My dad told me a while ago that he wished his marriage was as good as mine. My husband and I are complete equals. Neither lets the other get away with crap and we both know it. Our fights are rare and never last long when they do occur.

However, there is one area where our marriage is far from equal, and that is when it comes to housework, maintaining a household, and doing things for the baby. There, I do it all. It drives me INSANE. 99% of our fights stem from his lack of help.

I (from hereon referred to as "Wonder Woman"):
  • Work a full time job
  • Cook
  • Clean the house from top to bottom
  • Do the laundry for DH and I every other week and twice a week for the baby
  • Take care of two dogs (these are my dogs, so I don't mind that he doesn't help here)
  • Take the baby to daycare
  • Take the baby to doctor appointments
  • Take care of the baby
  • Get the baby up and ready in the morning
  • Bathe and get the baby ready for bed at night
  • Give the baby all of her prescription medications, which right now includes three breathing treatments a day due to RSV
  • Do the grocery shopping
  • Fill the prescriptions
  • Do any and all shopping for the house minus the stuff from Lo.wes
  • Clean the baby bottles and sippy cups daily
  • Clean her breathing treatment mask and cup three times a day

I do it all. My days go from the butt crack of dawn until the late night hours. I rarely get to sit and have time to myself, and when I do, it comes out of the time I should be sleeping, which is usually when I blog.

DH (hereon referred to as "Superman"):

  • Works a full time job
  • On very, very rare occasions helps me clean up a little bit
  • On even more rare occasions, tinkers with a house project
  • Watches TV
  • Plays with the baby
  • Occasionally helps with the baby
  • Plays on his computer

Do you see my frustration here? Even more frustrating is the fact that he gives me zero recognition for all that I do. If I complain he doesn't help, he tells me I don't have to do any of it either, and that if I don't want to, I should just stop. Good call Superman. The baby doesn't need to be taken care of and neither do the house or the dogs. Let's just let everything fend for itself while we watch our flesh melt into the couch as we watch TV.

But even more frustrating than that is when I ask him to help out. My God you'd think I asked him to cut off his favorite appendage! The screams can be heard across the galaxy. And then what does Wonder Woman get called? A nag. Let me tell you, I rarely ask him for anything because he is such a pain in the ass about it when I do. So when I do, it is because of days like today where I am emotionally and physically exhausted. My super powers are drained, and I need a little help. I don't think that is too much to ask. After all, I do it all, all of the time!

Yes, I am Wonder Woman, but every now and then, even Wonder Woman needs a little recognition, a little recharge to her super powers, a little break from her crazy insane life of keeping the world at rights. I understand he needs time to recoup at the end of a long work day. My question there is when does Wonder Woman get to recoup?! I worked a long work day too, and then some! It seems like Superman's powers are short lived and the recharge time is incredibly long, like an old laptop battery on its last leg.

During my recharge time, I often blog. He HATES the blog. He LOATHES ICLW. He wines about it. He actually smarts off to me when I want to go to bed early and says in his naggy voice, "Going to bed to blog?" Who cares? It didn't come out of our time together, it comes out of my sleep.

Now I will climb down off my Bitch Box. I sincerely love my husband, and there is no one in this world I would rather be with. He is my everything, and I am nothing without him. I just wish that every now and then he would recharge my battery with a little help when saving the world is too much for me, or for him to let me know he realizes just how much I do. Is that too much to ask?

Friday, January 22, 2010

My Top 5

Before you can even be considered as a candidate for a position at my company you have to be pre-interviewed, if you pass round 1, you move onto round 2, which is a personality test. There is no right or wrong, and no pass or fail. They ask you a bunch of questions to determine if they think your personality type will match well with those of your potential coworkers. If you are deemed a good fit, you move on in the interview process. Many people are weeded out during round 2.

After you are hired on, you get to take another personality test that determines your top five personality strengths. This is helpful because your managers know how best to motivate you and utilize your skills. Additionally, it gives your coworkers and idea of your personality before you've even met.

A couple of my sweet blog friends have made comments to me from time to time about how much I have helped them through their battles and dark moments. The other day it got me to thinking about my Top 5. I remembered there was one in there that seemed to go right along with those comments. I was right. When I checked my Top 5 today, I found this was my #1:

You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth--a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of "flow" where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments--invisible to some--are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.


When I first read that after finishing my quiz a couple of years ago, I didn't see it. I kind of could if I really thought about it, just like my other Top 5, but I couldn't believe that was my #1.

Since I started this blog a few months ago and through the friendships I have made, I have come to realize my #1 is SPOT ON. There are a couple of my blog friends in particular that have really made this strength shine, and to you, I am so appreciative. I may be helping you, but it turns out I am also helping me. I am doing what I do best, and that is to bring out the best in you.

Thank you so much to my sweet blog friends who allow me to be me and appreciate me for it. I am so glad I can be here for all of you just as much as you are here for me.

I will save my other four for another day. ;)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Welcome ICLW!

Welcome to all visitors here for ICLW!

My name is Saige, and the purpose behind my blog came about after the birth of my first child. I had gone through years of infertility treatments and extensive surgery to remove moderate endometriosis and perform ovarian drilling for my PCOS before DH and I finally and surprisingly conceived on our own about 6 months after the surgery.

After my daughter was born, I went through severe post partum depression. I have fought depression many times in my life, and it runs in my family, but somehow I thought I would be immune to PPD. My husband along with my dad and many other family members, friends, and coworkers begged me to get help. However, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I thought I was fine, was handling everything in my life just perfectly, despite the continual crying, the inability to handle simple situations, and my many attempts to do myself in.

In addition to my PDD, I was battling the scars left over from years of infertility. I always thought that once I had a baby, I would be happy, and I am. I want more children, but my history of infertility and the complications that arose during my pregnancy kept making that desire even less obtainable than before. Just as it did before my pregnancy, my infertility problems began to consume me again.

Finally I agreed to get help. I went to a therapist who offered no help, and a doctor who would only offer me antidepressants I had been on before and had very negative side effects with. I decided seeking help was more trouble than it was worth and was only making everything worse, so I gave up. Then my world was rocked and I came to my knees.

At the request of a husband desperate to save his wife and the mother of his child, and a father desperate to save his daughter, I started playing in the major leagues. I went to a Psychologist with a PhD and sought a new family doctor who was willing to prescribe me the antidepressants I wanted to try.

Within months I noticed a huge difference. The combination of the antidepressants and visits to the Shrink were paying off big time. I have come a long way since those very dark days. I fought hard to get myself to where I am today. I appreciate the ability to look back and see just how far I've come. But my battle isn't over yet. It is gearing up for round two as DH and are getting ready to explore the possibility of TTC again.

This is my blog and my journey. My posts are sometimes philosophical, sometimes zany and crazy, other times serious and sometimes sad. If you are here for the day, thanks for stopping by. If you want to follow along, join my friendly ranks.

I wish you all the best and happy blog reading this week!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Resolutions 2

My second resolution for this year was to start food storage. I grew up in a church that always taught we should have at least a couple month's if not a year's worth of food storage. This is something my parents always took very seriously. In their house they have a whole fruit room devoted to nothing but food storage.

Here in Texas, storage space is at a commodity, if it exists. So for the past two years, I have been trying to get our garage cleaned out so we could store food out there. At the close of December, I resolved to finally get my butt in gear and start our family food storage by buying a case or two of canned veggies, meats, fruit, or other non-perishable food every time I went to I also decided to buy extra of essential items like toothpaste and deodorant every time I needed to buy more. Little by little, I will build up our storage.

Last weekend I cleared out some space in the garage, and brought home two huge cases of bottled water, a case of corn, and a case of green beans. I also bought toothpaste and deodorant in bulk. I've decided the best way to go about this is to use the coupons from the Cos.tco circulars that come around every few weeks. I made a killing doing this last week. I saved about $30 and got my storage going.

I have to admit, it feels pretty good. It might not be a lot, but it is a start. Next resolution, start going back to church! We have planned to every week since the new year started, but one of us has been sick every weekend since the beginning of the new year. This past week the Munchkin had RSV, a double ear infection, and rotovirus, all courtesy of daycare. One of these days, we will all be healthy enough to go. I really kind of miss it. So that's it for my resolutions! If any of you made any, I hope they are going well.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Okay, I Lied

While I didn't say anything about New Years resolutions on this blog, I have always said I am not a fan. I never make any because I always believe that if you resolve to do something, you should start immediately. Not doing so only increases the likelihood that you never will start it, or that it won't last long when you do.

In a very round-about way and not even by any conscious effort on my part, I ended up starting TWO New Years resolutions. I figured since I was coming clean about inner secrets (TV shows), I might as well come clean about this too.

My first resolution was to get out of debt. One of the bad side effects of my anti-depressants is that it completely shut off my warning sensor about how much money I was spending. As a result, I have racked up more credit card debt than I have ever had in my life, including when I was paying for my wedding! But that little niggling, nagging about not spending money hit the road within weeks of my pills really doing their job. I had been trying, albeit a little more than half-assed, to get the debt down, but then Christmas hit and all resolve went out the window for the month.

A couple of weeks ago, I broke down and told Hubs how much I owed. He was NOT happy. Frankly, neither was I. But that little voice in my head that usually made me sick to my stomach about numbers was still very absent. So I resolved to call my credit card company and tell them my card had been lost. How does that help me? Well, I had my credit card number memorized. So while it wasn't in my wallet for spending physically, the numbers were always in my head for those spur of the moment online or over-the-phone purchases. THOSE were what was really killing me. Stupid Ama.zon!

Yesterday I made my bi-weekly payment and paid as much as I could spare, leaving only the bare minimum in my checking to scrape by until next payday when the process would be repeated. It was at this time I called the credit card company and reported my card missing. The account has been closed, and a new card is on its way. The old card met with the shredder shortly after.

While it will be rather a pain in the ass to call all of the accounts I have that auto-bill to that card, I figure it is punishment for getting myself into this predicament in the first place. But at the same time, it saves me the trouble of calling the places I no longer want to auto bill me to tell them to cancel their services. Now they will bill, get rejected, and that will be that. One of these places is Fert.ibella.

I ordered a free sample of Ferti.bella's product that was offered with my set of free pregnancy tests and OPKs from the Sacre.d Mis.sion at the end of last year. They promised it helped boost fertility by 4X. I figured, what could it hurt to try it? A 30 day sample for free sounded pretty awesome. With that first box came a leaflet saying if I kept receiving their product every month I would be rewarded with free baby boots (umm, okay, they are UGGly, no thanks), and then with the complete set of Baby Ei.nstein DVDs the next month. With free gifts like that, I kind of wondered how much the medication really cost, since the price tag is not listed ANYWHERE. Not on their website, not on the mailing, nothing.

I did google the product though, and what I found sounded good. Apparently it is either from the same company that makes Chl.omid or they use the same basic chemicals, so it increases ovulation and helps reduce anovulatory cycles. One other thing I found was that it does this without all of the nasty side effects of chl.omid. I figure I'll try the free sample, and if I like it, I'll order more, but at least they can't autobill me right now, especially when I don't know how much the stuff costs!

By God, I WILL be out of debt THIS YEAR!

Stay tuned for resolution #2!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Resolution 2

Oops. This wasn't supposed to post yet. If you missed it, it will be back in a few days.

I guess I really shouldn't blog after the Ny.quil kicks in!

Going Back

I haven't been in to see my Shrink in a few months, mostly because finances have been really tight, and I just couldn't spare the money. Finances haven't changed, but my situation is changing. As a result, I have resolved to make it work financially, for my mental health.

In just a couple of weeks from now, I will officially be back at TTC. I have a plan in place in my head, but lets be honest, I'm a woman, and as my husband says, prone to being irrational because I am a woman. I am allowed to change my mind on a moment's notice for no reason at all other than I feel like it. We all also know that the best laid plans often go awry.

So while I have an idea on how I want to go about TTC once I get the all clear from my doctor, I know that some of my infertile fears will creep back in along with their good friend, panic. I do have a good jumping off point this time around because I've already been there once before and so have a better idea of what to expect, along with the fact I am on anti-depressants, added to the fact that I now have two IRL friends who are going through infertility right now as well. I had no one before. It was me on my own. If you add all of that to seeing the Shrink, I think I will be in good, stable hands this time. I feel really good about things overall.

That being said, I know that this next time around could also prove disastrous due to some complications that arose after my pregnancy that compounded our problems. I have moderate endometriosis as well as PCOS. I also have a uterine rupture as a battle wound from winning the war against infertility last time.

I know that keeping my feet on the ground is going to be tough, and I know I can't do it alone again. Having the addition of my friends, my Shrink, and my medication should give me a good base this time.

My first appointment back is next week. I am kind of excited to tell her everything that has gone on since I've seen her, and I am ready for her to help me keep my feet on the ground during the next few months.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Guilty Pleasures

I feel like I'm having a He.witt moment here because it is time for me to come clean about my love affair... with a couple of different TV shows. I would like to tell you all about two shows I secretly watch, but won't openly admit to.

The first is The Secre.t Li.fe of the Ame.rican Te.enager. I got sucked into this show with its horrible, horrible acting when it first aired last year. Admittedly, the acting, and especially the lead character, Amy, have turned me off of the show many times. But the stupid thing is like a train wreck, and I can't stop watching. I hoped the acting would get better after the first season, but it didn't. I further hoped the Amy character would stop being such a horrid, selfish b***** once she gave birth, but she didn't. She actually got worse. I really dislike that character... a lot. Yet I keep DVRing it and watching it week after week, loathing the season finale, and applauding the season premiere. What is wrong with me? My anti-deps must no be strong enough.

My second guilty pleasure TV show is The Ba.chelor/Bach.ehlorette. This season's bachelor is from my area. We shop at the same Tar.get, eat at the same restaurants, improve our homes at the same Lo.wes. I asked a coworker of mine who lives in the Bach.elor's neighborhood if he knows him personally. He doesn't, but he does know which church he goes to.

As this seasons bachelor is from my area, I feel especially inclined to not only watch the show, but to have a #1 pick for the girl I would like for him to bring home to shop at my Tar.get with me. If you've been watching the show, you know who Ali is. Oh yes friends, she is my FAV. I just know we could be friends, shopping buddies, the works. She is a doll, and apparently Jake thinks so too.

She's The One Jake! Bring her back to Texas!

I was slightly shocked at her language regarding The Cheater (Roz) in the last episode, but that furthers my resolve that she is The One and that we could be friends simply because she showed in that moment she is serious about being with Jake. Not winning, like Rozl.yn was all worried about, but being with Jake. Yeah, I pretty much hated Rozzie from the get-go. She was there for all the wrong reasons - winning. I actually guessed she was the one who messed around before this week's episode aired. She just gave off that vibe.

So, do any of you have guilty pleasure TV shows you're not proud to admit you watch? Do tell!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

God Bless Texas... But Damn!

I am not a native Texan, I married one, and then gave birth to one. In fact, my Texan husband moved to my home state to find a wife and bring her home. When I tell people that story here in Texas, I always end it with, "Ta da!"

I always knew from the time I was little that I wouldn't live out my life in my home state. It felt like home, but it didn't feel like Home. I always felt like I was supposed to live somewhere bigger and better.

On our first date, DH asked me if I was attached to my home state. My answer, and the one that made me an automatic candidate for a second date, "Hell no!" He still laughs about my response to this day.

We ended up staying there for two years after we got married, first because I couldn't get married and then up and leave my family and everything I knew. I needed to adjust to being married while still in a comfort zone. Then I got a new job and needed to stick it out for at least a year because I knew doing so would pave the way for better, higher paying jobs in Texas. It did.

So almost two and a half years after we were married, we were relocated to Texas. I loved it right away. It felt instantly like Home. The place I would raise my children (if I ever got any), and live out my days. I adjusted quickly, and then good news after good news greeted me, which made it that much easier to get used to.

All of that being said, there are a few things I don't like about Texas.
  1. ALLERGIES! - I have never had allergies in my life. Here, one of my best friends is my bottle of Zy.rtec. Everyone told me that if you aren't from around here, you will have allergies for the first few years. They were right. Have you ever had the roof of your mouth itch from allergies? Mine does. I scratch it with my finger and my tongue as best as I can, which usually leaves a welt.
  2. Flea and Tick Medication for the Dogs - In my home state, I never ever had to think about flea and tick medication. I'm from the Northwest where it is too cold to worry about those pesky pests. Even mosquitoes weren't a problem unless you were in the mountains. Do you have any idea how much flea and tick medication costs for two dogs? It makes me and my wallet cry every month. Not only that, but my dogs only needed HeartG.uard April-November at home. Here they need it year round. I didn't know you could buy that stuff in a 12 month supply until I moved here.
  3. Hot @$$ Summers - Being from a state where it isn't uncommon for the temps to hit 106 in the summer with zero humidity, I thought I knew what a hot summer was. Boy have I learned the hard way! It got up to 103 here last summer with 60%+ humidity. DAILY. It is gorgeous here, beautiful and lush green, but it gets so stinking hot you can't set foot outside to enjoy it without looking like you just got out of the shower within 5 minutes of setting foot outside.

So that's it. Its not bad that there are only a few things I don't like here. It stacks up well against all of the reasons I didn't like my last home state. I have to say though, I didn't expect things to be more expensive here for me. The cost of living isn't more, but the fact that I have to keep a constant stock of allergy meds and meds for the dogs sure makes me a little sad. If those are the only things I don't like, I guess I will live out my life here, as planned.

God bless Texas!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

To Noelle

Dear, sweet Noelle,

I have been thinking about you all day. You have been very much in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is heavy for you, yet it holds out hope. It isn't over yet. The fat lady hasn't quite made it up onto the stage yet to sing. All day seemed really gray, and for the first time in a while, I felt somewhat down, because I was thinking of you. It was really cold here today, colder than it has been since I moved here, and somehow, it seemed appropriate to my mood.

I thought about writing you a comment, but it would be a mile long. I thought perhaps a blog post would be best. Now if I can just remember everything I wanted to tell you. I'll give it a try.

The first thing I wanted to tell you is to obviously not give up hope yet. God works miracles, and he hasn't forsaken you. He would never forsake you. He is with you right now weeping. And yes, I am sure He gets tired of weeping too. But He is there with you, holding you. Please let Him back in. You need His help to get through this.

If this pregnancy doesn't work out, then you take your time and you grieve. You cry all of the tears you need to cry. You take as many days as it takes until you start feeling better. Just don't wallow for too long. Keep an eye toward recovering and getting better. If you don't feel it one day, don't push yourself too hard. Instead tell yourself you will try tomorrow. Know that eventually, you will heal, and you will move forward with your life and trying for future pregnancies.

Know that while you have had a miscarriage, it doesn't mean you will always miscarry. There are so many options out there. The answer may be simple. You won't know until you try. Maybe a medicated IUI when you are ready will be the key. Who knows? You need to hold out some glimmer of hope. Without it, there is nothing.

As for the comment that upset you, please let it roll off your back. The mentality of an eye for an eye never got mankind anywhere but a bunch of blind people. I once had someone leave a negative comment on my other blog. It made me so angry I was shaking. My commenter didn't have the balls to leave it under their name though. It was anonymous. It took me days to get over it. Then one day I just decided since she was such a gutless wonder that she had to leave an anonymous comment, she wasn't worth the energy or another thought. I didn't need the negativity she brought into my life. I am not sure of the intention behind your commenter, perhaps she was trying to help and perhaps not. One can never be truly sure. It is like trying to analyze poetry. Only the author knew the true meaning behind their work. Be upset if you need to, but then let it go for your health. Please.

I have no idea the pain you are in, but I can imagine. I can imagine how you could be so upset as to wish you weren't alive. In those moments, know that there are so many people out here who care about you and that we are all here to help you get back on your feet. We may not know you in person, but we know you because we've all been through a piece of what you're going through, and on some level, we can completely empathize. We are all here for you. The sheer number of comments and the outpouring of love and support is proof of that. You are in so many people's thoughts and prayers. We're all rooting for you.

I wish and pray so very fervently that you will one day soon realize your dream of becoming a mother. I know first hand the excruciating pain brought on by not being able to realize the one dream that should be our God-given rite. But I know that potential pain on a whole new level now. I pray that you will be blessed with a child and all of the good that comes with it. The way it changes you and your life. I thought of you a lot tonight, and my heart ached for you. It was so heavy.

If I were there with you, I would hold you while you wept, and I would weep with you. My heart is weeping with you now. But I still have that little glimmer of hope. And if it turns out this time isn't your time, then that glimmer will be there for next time, and so will I.

I wish that I could be there with and for you. I wish that when you were ready, I could bring you your favorite candy and a chick flick we could watch together. Anything to help pick you back up and put you back on your feet. Since I can't be there in person, know I am here online and you can contact me via email.

You are and have been very much in my thoughts and prayers.

With much love,

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Farty Dog

Yes, the title of this blog post is correct. It is all about The Farty Dog. Not to be confused with The Sa.lty Do.g or Sal.t Dog. Although this dog is often called The Bleu Dog (yes, I spelled that correctly) because she looks similar to this famous fella.

But no, I am here to talk about a serious problem with my pooch. You see, she is a very, very flatulent little girl. I have never in my life had a dog that passed gas as much as my little Maxy. Hearing or smelling one of her bum treats is a daily occurrence. It used to make me laugh so hard I could barely breathe. Mostly because I had never heard or smelled a dog fart before her. But this little baby puts even the proudest man to shame.

You name the type, she does it: SBD (silent but deadly [she does this one REALLY, REALLY well {it makes you beg God for mercy}]), LAD (loud and deadly), LBND (loud, but not deadly), squeakies, Riffle (sounds similar to rifle fire "put, put, put, put, put"), Toot and Step (exactly what it sounds like, she toots every time a paw hits the floor), Sing You to Sleep (lets one long, squeaky one as she walks along), Puff (the kind where you just hear the little puff of air and wonder if you need to dawn the gas mask), and any others you can think of.

Her all time favorite is to precede you up the stairs and let a puffer in your face. She is always so proud of herself. She even turns around to see if you appreciated the gift. She toots when I'm on the phone, and guess who it sounds like ripped it? The dog never gets blamed, I can tell you that. Although I do try to blame a few of mine on her from time to time.

Despite her gaseous problems, I love my little Crazy Dog. She is such a joy in our house. She is so full of life and spunk. There is rarely a dull moment with her. Plus she is an AWESOME snuggler. So while she may stink on occasion or let one in my face, I think I'll keep her.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


One of my sweet blog friends is struggling today, thinking she might miscarry. Please go visit Noelle and send her some love and hearty wishes that her pregnancy will survive.

Hang in there Noelle. It isn't over yet!

Sunday, January 3, 2010


You know, I am kind of starting to miss my meaningful blog posts. The ones about life and my opinions on the matter. The funny thing is, when I was writing all of those, I was missing the ones about my life. The ones I felt made me interesting. I guess the bottom line is, I'm just not as interesting as I think I am.

With that little tangent out of the way, I can get into the meat of this post. If you hadn't already guessed, it is about my MIL.

Does it seem to anyone else like I tend to fixate on one person at a time? If so, toss that thought out. The only reason this one person keeps going is because I'm facing a dilemma.

If you read my last post you will know I don't like my MIL very much. She says she likes me, but I wonder how much of that is BS. I think about 99.99% just because her actions speak louder than her words.

My dilemma is that my daughter's first birthday is just around the corner and I would like to throw a big party for her. I talked to my mom tonight and agreed to use some of my sky miles and help fund the cost of a second ticket to fly my parents out for the big shin dig. I have already asked DH's aunts if they want to come. All of my friends will be there.

But I don't want to invite my MIL. I don't want her in my house (she's never been here). I don't want her tantrums and her moodiness ruining my daughter's special day (she stormed out at Christmas). My husband doesn't want her here either. No one does.

I asked DH how I could go about inviting his aunts, but not his mom. He told me he didn't care and didn't understand why I did. Well, because I'm not mean and I am certainly not confrontational. Not inviting her would result in a nasty gram. DH doesn't understand why I care if she sends one. I don't know why I do either. I haven't in the past.

I suggested we invite the aunts and ask them not to tell his mother they were invited, and if they come, that they were here. I know they will be on board with it. Even if they don't come, I KNOW I am going to get a nasty gram because my parents will be here. I wouldn't be surprised if I got a phone call even.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a crazy MIL you don't want in your house? I am all ears!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

She Vexes Me Greatly

Do any of you have any idea how many posts I have written, published, and then deleted off this blog? Me neither. All I know is that it is a lot. The reasons for their deletion vary from my fear of writing something about someone IRL and having them stumble across my blog and call me out to trying to rid myself of unpleasantness to thinking they were either just too boring for reading or made no sense.

The thing I'm getting at is I am not sure this post won't fall victim to deletion at some point, but for right now, I need to get this off my chest before I explode!

My relationship with my MIL is very strained, at best. I never really liked her. I tried, but not very hard. I've always just kind of floated along through our time together and tried to keep that at a bare minimum. I actually got away without seeing her or talking to her for two fabulous years. The reason I was able to go for so long is because she pissed me off too badly to want anything to do with her. Of course, that was while we were undergoing infertility treatments. She kept sending me snide emails about the causes of infertility such as being overweight (I weighed 123), drinking (never touched a drop in my life), drinking too much coffee (I don't drink that either), and a whole slew of other garbage. I will cut this story really short by saying she did a whole lot of things that finally made me tell her to go the F away. I had had it!

I'm going to leave out a lot of story here just to keep this post from getting too long.

At the end of last year she sent me an email. I thought she was trying to patch things up so that she could be a part of her grandbaby's life. She took me for the biggest roller coaster ride. One minute I thought she was being a B, and the next I thought she was apologizing only to turn around and be a shrew again.

By the time my daughter was born, we had both sworn to make an effort at mending the relationship. I have seriously doubted her true resolve to do so though. She can be a mean nasty ass woman for no reason at all. One minute I will think we're making progress and literally the next minute I want to smack her into next year for being a shrew again.

Most of our communication is via email. I should post some of her little ditties on here just so you all can laugh along with me. Most of her emails make my angry and want to cut off communication again, but the nice person in me won't let me.

She spent Christmas day with DH and I at his grandpa's house. The relationship between her and her father as well as her sister's is every bit as strained as the one between her and I and her son (did you get that? [i.e., no one likes her]). After we got home, I wrote up a post about Christmas day on my primary blog (which she reads) and forgot to mention her, but did mention her sisters. The next day I had an email in my inbox telling me that she did not appreciate the post because I mentioned her sisters, but even moreso because I did not mention her.

I thought my lack of mentioning her was the nicest thing I could do!

She asked that I not mention them on my blog anymore as it upsets her, but to please remember to mention HER. Umm, I'm sorry, but I thought it was MY blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Please. For the love of God. Further, don't send me nasty emails because you don't like the content. I get it. I forgot to mention you, or rather chose not to mention you. There is a reason for that. Be glad.


And this on top of the cheap ass Christmas present she gave me. I spent bucks on that woman. Her son didn't. I did because if I didn't, she wouldn't have gotten anything from us. My husband despises her. So what does she do? She buys him a really nice Christmas present and a ton of clothes for my daughter. Guess what she got me? A seriously ugly picture from the second hand store that probably cost her a nickle and a stupid bracelet. I really wish she hadn't gotten me anything and said that she spent my gift money on my daughter. That I could have handled and been happy about, but the gift she got me was a slap in the face and I think she knew it. It pissed me off so badly because she knows her son didn't spend one red cent on her, yet she went all out for him and everyone else at Christmas, including her sisters who despise her. The one person there on Christmas day who was even willing to think a smidgen of a happy thought about her was the person she snubbed. Good call lady. That's the way to mend the relationship with the mother of your only grandchild. Consider yourself cut off from here on out please.

I am so done being nice to her! It already pains me to be nice to her, but she is a spiteful B. I think she does it just to see what she can get away with, but I am sick of it. She wonders why no one likes her, and one of these days I will get the balls to tell her exactly why. She is this close - to being told. I'm not sure when I'll snap, but I know I will if she keeps her crap up.


I really hate the energy she brings into my life, which is why I cut her off the first time. All she ever does is piss me off. I keep asking my coworkers if anyone wants her, but they always tell me no. I've told my dad I am going to take her to the pound one day, but he keeps telling me they will just put her to sleep. Why is that a problem?

I really am an easy person to get along with. In fact, I get along with the majority of people who cross my path. I am very easy going. The only thing I care about is if you are a good person. I don't care about anything else you have done in your past. I don't care if you don't like the same things as me or think the same way, I actually appreciate it. But one thing I cannot and will never tolerate is rudeness that is uncalled for. This woman takes that cake and builds it taller than most people I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Oh, and did I mention she came up in a reading with R? I didn't say anything about her and he told me out of the blue that my MIL was a crazy piece of work. I'm not kidding!

Anyway, that's my rant. I really don't know how to end this post other than to say, "Piss Off!" to my MIL.

P.S. The picture is now resting on top of the pile of junk going to Go.od Wi.ll.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

I hope that 2010 brings you all happiness and peace. I pray that you get the things you most desire.

Rare butterflies emerging from their cocoons,
ready to start a new life.