Thursday, January 7, 2010

To Noelle

Dear, sweet Noelle,

I have been thinking about you all day. You have been very much in my thoughts and prayers. My heart is heavy for you, yet it holds out hope. It isn't over yet. The fat lady hasn't quite made it up onto the stage yet to sing. All day seemed really gray, and for the first time in a while, I felt somewhat down, because I was thinking of you. It was really cold here today, colder than it has been since I moved here, and somehow, it seemed appropriate to my mood.

I thought about writing you a comment, but it would be a mile long. I thought perhaps a blog post would be best. Now if I can just remember everything I wanted to tell you. I'll give it a try.

The first thing I wanted to tell you is to obviously not give up hope yet. God works miracles, and he hasn't forsaken you. He would never forsake you. He is with you right now weeping. And yes, I am sure He gets tired of weeping too. But He is there with you, holding you. Please let Him back in. You need His help to get through this.

If this pregnancy doesn't work out, then you take your time and you grieve. You cry all of the tears you need to cry. You take as many days as it takes until you start feeling better. Just don't wallow for too long. Keep an eye toward recovering and getting better. If you don't feel it one day, don't push yourself too hard. Instead tell yourself you will try tomorrow. Know that eventually, you will heal, and you will move forward with your life and trying for future pregnancies.

Know that while you have had a miscarriage, it doesn't mean you will always miscarry. There are so many options out there. The answer may be simple. You won't know until you try. Maybe a medicated IUI when you are ready will be the key. Who knows? You need to hold out some glimmer of hope. Without it, there is nothing.

As for the comment that upset you, please let it roll off your back. The mentality of an eye for an eye never got mankind anywhere but a bunch of blind people. I once had someone leave a negative comment on my other blog. It made me so angry I was shaking. My commenter didn't have the balls to leave it under their name though. It was anonymous. It took me days to get over it. Then one day I just decided since she was such a gutless wonder that she had to leave an anonymous comment, she wasn't worth the energy or another thought. I didn't need the negativity she brought into my life. I am not sure of the intention behind your commenter, perhaps she was trying to help and perhaps not. One can never be truly sure. It is like trying to analyze poetry. Only the author knew the true meaning behind their work. Be upset if you need to, but then let it go for your health. Please.

I have no idea the pain you are in, but I can imagine. I can imagine how you could be so upset as to wish you weren't alive. In those moments, know that there are so many people out here who care about you and that we are all here to help you get back on your feet. We may not know you in person, but we know you because we've all been through a piece of what you're going through, and on some level, we can completely empathize. We are all here for you. The sheer number of comments and the outpouring of love and support is proof of that. You are in so many people's thoughts and prayers. We're all rooting for you.

I wish and pray so very fervently that you will one day soon realize your dream of becoming a mother. I know first hand the excruciating pain brought on by not being able to realize the one dream that should be our God-given rite. But I know that potential pain on a whole new level now. I pray that you will be blessed with a child and all of the good that comes with it. The way it changes you and your life. I thought of you a lot tonight, and my heart ached for you. It was so heavy.

If I were there with you, I would hold you while you wept, and I would weep with you. My heart is weeping with you now. But I still have that little glimmer of hope. And if it turns out this time isn't your time, then that glimmer will be there for next time, and so will I.

I wish that I could be there with and for you. I wish that when you were ready, I could bring you your favorite candy and a chick flick we could watch together. Anything to help pick you back up and put you back on your feet. Since I can't be there in person, know I am here online and you can contact me via email.

You are and have been very much in my thoughts and prayers.

With much love,


Jill said...

I have been thinking about her a lot too. I was so happy to find her blog during December ICLW and so happy that she had gotten her BFP. I truly hope it isn't over for her. She stopped following my blog because I am pregnant. I don't blame her at all but normally I would stop commenting on someone's blog if they did that, out of respect. But I felt compelled to write her a few comments over the last few days. I hope the fact that she is approving the comments means that they are not unwelcome.

Noelle said...

Thank you for this beautiful letter. It is just beautiful. I have read it several times, and my heart is touched that you took the time to write this for me. I am printing this out, and plan on looking at it a lot to help me get through the days. Thank you so much for being here for me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.

Noelle said...

Thank you for your comments on my blog. I really appreciate it. Thank you for understanding why I stopped following. It's just so hard :( I wish you a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful child.

Potters said...

I hope she is able to make it through her trials

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Saige,
This is such a beautiful letter to Noelle. It brought tears to my eyes when I thought I was all cried out over this. You are a wonderful friend.