Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I'm Not Proud

If you were lucky enough to read my post yesterday where I aired my dirty laundry with my MIL, I apologize. If you were lucky enough to catch the two posts from today in which I continued airing my dirty laundry, I apologize even further. However, I don't think more than a few eyes perused my words before they met the Blog Post Graveyard, like so many other posts before them. I think I have deleted somewhere around 12+ posts since the inception of this blog.

Now that I have apologized to any of my readers, I have to say that I am not proud of my actions the last couple of days. I am not a cruel person, and I don't think I was in any of my emails to my MIL, but I know that her feelings were hurt, even if what I said was meant to make her open her eyes to the way she is destroying every relationship in her life.

I found tonight that my Developer trait was really coming through as I mulled over what I said to her and how I could have said it better. I thought about trying to patch things up and helping her realize where she is going wrong with everyone, showing her why she rubs everyone the wrong way. I want to help her make amends with her family, because right now, no one is talking to her and no one can stand her. She is in a very, very lonely place, and I don't think anyone should ever be there or deserves to be there.

I sunk pretty low today, but the woman had my blood absolutely boiling, so much so that I was shaking in anger. I will just say that our email chain continued and ended today. I sent her an email this morning and she responded much the way I expected, so I laid into her. I started out by telling her it was the last time I would communicate with her and then proceeded to tell her why. At the end of the email I told her if she wanted any pictures of her grandbaby or any family news, she would have to ask her son for it. That was a total slap in the face because he is not and has not been talking to her for years. I was the megaphone between them, much to my extreme dismay, but today I told her I officially bowed out of that position. I then asked her to not email me, talk to me, or read my blog until she could be kind and considerate to me.

I want to say I don't know where this side of me came from, but I know exactly where. This animal has been building for the last 5 years, and I knew one day it would explode. I knew one day I would tell her off and put her in her place. Secretly, I've been wishing for this day since the day before my wedding. But do I feel any better now that it has come and gone? No.

There is a part of me, which is a huge part of me, who wants to tell her I'm sorry and then help her. But at the same time, I don't want to talk to her because I know she can't be nice. She thinks she is, and she likes to blame her rudeness on everyone else but her. The woman cannot be kind to save her life, and someone needs to teach her how. Somewhere along the way, the manners her parents taught her went out the window.

I feel pretty badly about things tonight, but I don't know if I want to fix or change it. That tells me I am not ready to embark on that yet. I think we both need to stew for a while and think things over before we even think about trying to pick up the pieces.

The last paragraph of her email said something I was not shocked to read. She thanked me for standing up to her and having the guts to tell her what all of her family thinks but is too gutless to say. They think they say it to her, but they don't lay it out the way I did today.

For now, we will not talk or communicate. I am sure I will be the one to patch things up when it is time, as I always am. But for now, I need my space from this relationship.


Mrs Bee said...

I was lucky and read the emails between you both...
You were strong, firm and respectful in dealing with your MIL.
You have nothing to apologize about at all.

Stand firm in how you feel.

My MIL is so the same.
She's rude, thinks only of herself and has the personality skills of a gnat.
It's a wonder my lovely husband came from her really.
It's almost funny to see the look of shock on her face when everyone is mad at her for being a bitch.
It's like she really doesn't know she's doing it.
Anyway that our husbands have the same mother?

Sending lots of love.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

I'm glad you were able to get this all of your chest, I caught the "she flipped my lid" but not the other one, I was a bit disappointed bout that! Anyway I understand if you had to cut things off with her, she sounds very difficult to deal with and honestly, you have soooo much on your plate right now. Wish I could be there to help!! Hope all goes well for this weekend. I'm off to the OB tomorrow so I'll let you know how that went soon.

~ifer said...

Taking space from a relationship is often a good thing. Follow your own heart, my friend. When it tells you it is time to make that first step, follow what it says.

Even if you feel that she doesn't deserve it, YOU deserve not to carry around the weight. And when you are ready, start off by laying out ground rules, in black and white. Let her know that you are willing to try again, but here are the conditions, here is how you expect to be treated.

Hang in there, Saige... these things work themselves out in time.

Suzanne said...

I did read your posts yesterday. I'm sorry that you're going through this struggle with your MIL. I know how frustrating it is to be so angry with a family member because they just "don't get it" no matter how hard you try to explain it to them. I think that giving both of you some time to cool off is a good thing and I'm glad that you will be willing to patch things up when it is time. I didn't realize that your DH hasn't been talking to his mother for years, there must be some bad history there.

Take a deep breath, try to calm down, and hang in there!

Potters said...

I don't think any less of you. It is always hard when you have some one that wants to be a part of everyone's life but doesn't know how to do it the right way. I have a sister like that. The poor girl with NEVER get it. But we are nice to her because she is our sister and that is the right thing to do. I hope she will see things differently and be able to communicate better with you in the future. Everyone needs a chance to vent and that is just what you did, don't feel bad for it.

Fran said...

It does take courage to stand up to people. And when it's family is even harder. I think you don't have to apologize, we all have limits and buttons that cannot be pushed forever. I know it's not easy but try to put it aside for the moment, give your mind a rest. Much love, Fran

Life Happens said...

Sometimes people push our buttons and causes the ugly side to come out. But then again, they need to hear the truth sometimes. It's called tough love.

Give it time, hopefully your MIL will come around.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

While I didn't catch the posts, I can feel the emotions in this one. I've been the go-between person before and it takes a lot of courage to put an end to it.

And thanks for your comments on my blog. Finding others who really know what I'm going through has helped me process this experience.