I'm Not Proud

If you were lucky enough to read my post yesterday where I aired my dirty laundry with my MIL, I apologize. If you were lucky enough to catch the two posts from today in which I continued airing my dirty laundry, I apologize even further. However, I don't think more than a few eyes perused my words before they met the Blog Post Graveyard, like so many other posts before them. I think I have deleted somewhere around 12+ posts since the inception of this blog.

Now that I have apologized to any of my readers, I have to say that I am not proud of my actions the last couple of days. I am not a cruel person, and I don't think I was in any of my emails to my MIL, but I know that her feelings were hurt, even if what I said was meant to make her open her eyes to the way she is destroying every relationship in her life.

I found tonight that my Developer trait was really coming through as I mulled over what I said to her and how I could have said it better. I thought about trying to patch things up and helping her realize where she is going wrong with everyone, showing her why she rubs everyone the wrong way. I want to help her make amends with her family, because right now, no one is talking to her and no one can stand her. She is in a very, very lonely place, and I don't think anyone should ever be there or deserves to be there.

I sunk pretty low today, but the woman had my blood absolutely boiling, so much so that I was shaking in anger. I will just say that our email chain continued and ended today. I sent her an email this morning and she responded much the way I expected, so I laid into her. I started out by telling her it was the last time I would communicate with her and then proceeded to tell her why. At the end of the email I told her if she wanted any pictures of her grandbaby or any family news, she would have to ask her son for it. That was a total slap in the face because he is not and has not been talking to her for years. I was the megaphone between them, much to my extreme dismay, but today I told her I officially bowed out of that position. I then asked her to not email me, talk to me, or read my blog until she could be kind and considerate to me.

I want to say I don't know where this side of me came from, but I know exactly where. This animal has been building for the last 5 years, and I knew one day it would explode. I knew one day I would tell her off and put her in her place. Secretly, I've been wishing for this day since the day before my wedding. But do I feel any better now that it has come and gone? No.

There is a part of me, which is a huge part of me, who wants to tell her I'm sorry and then help her. But at the same time, I don't want to talk to her because I know she can't be nice. She thinks she is, and she likes to blame her rudeness on everyone else but her. The woman cannot be kind to save her life, and someone needs to teach her how. Somewhere along the way, the manners her parents taught her went out the window.

I feel pretty badly about things tonight, but I don't know if I want to fix or change it. That tells me I am not ready to embark on that yet. I think we both need to stew for a while and think things over before we even think about trying to pick up the pieces.

The last paragraph of her email said something I was not shocked to read. She thanked me for standing up to her and having the guts to tell her what all of her family thinks but is too gutless to say. They think they say it to her, but they don't lay it out the way I did today.

For now, we will not talk or communicate. I am sure I will be the one to patch things up when it is time, as I always am. But for now, I need my space from this relationship.