Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Because I have been having such a great day filled with happiness and laughter, I thought I would spread the love by sharing my first picture of my daughter on this blog. This picture was taken during a weekend getaway in a hotel. The little darling LOVES to be outside and look out windows. I didn't realize what she was doing in this picture until I had downloaded it. Upon seeing it, I burst into fits of laughter. Enjoy!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
What I think I will do is days where I have info about what is going on, I will do a write up on the primary blog, and then post a link to it from here, just in case any of you want to stay in on that loop. I'll still talk about what is going on in this blog, it just won't be as detailed. The only thing I ask is that you not leave comments on that blog that can in any way direct a reader from that blog to this one. In return, I promise not to post on both blogs in the same day. We'll give it a try and see how it goes.
The primary blog can be found here.
Now that we have that out of the way, I will give you a quick update of what has been going on. I went in for an MRI this past weekend that revealed that my endometriosis is back. I have new growths, and if I heard the radiologist correctly, they were around or near my ovaries. I know there were growths removed from that area during my laparoscopy back in 2007. I wasn't surprised to hear it was back, but sad and disappointed. It seems like it has come back way too fast. The radiologist also said she thinks my septum has grown back a little. Once again, I am in that lovely category of things that rarely happen. Hoorah! Don't feel bad. I don't. I just take it all with a grain of salt these days. Like I said, I think my days of being really upset are behind me now.
If you want to read a really cool story about my MRI, check out the primary blog. It will explain partly why...
I have decide I am going to have the surgery and get pregnant!
I am only doing this one more time. I just feel like I have to, and while many people ask me not to, I have to go with what feels right. I know all of the risks, and I know that my pregnancy will be very carefully monitored. My husband says he will support me no matter what I decide, and that we will take things as they come. I spent most of today feeling like we needed to hurry up and do this because we are running out of time. My reproductive organs just don't want to work on their own, so we'll force them to give us one more child, and then they can take the rest of my life off.
All of the blessings that have come about by this have not been lost on me. One of the biggest is that I can now be on my antidepressants for the 9 months my doctor recommended before going off of them. I really love those silly pills because they make handling all of this craziness so much easier. I don't go off the deep end like I would have otherwise, and I bounce back really quickly. Today you would think I had the sun shinning out of my ass as I walked out of the hospital after my MRI. I couldn't stop smiling the whole way home. My husband thought I was a freak when I told him with a huge grin on my face that my endo is back. I told him I couldn't help it, and that it was the stupid pills. Eh, whatever. They make me feel good. They're my friends.
The next step from here is go back to see my new RE here in town to discuss the MRI results, then visit the RE at the May.o Clinic, then surgery, then a couple months off to let things heal, and then TTC #2!
I hope you all had a great weekend. I can't wait to catch up on blogs tomorrow. :)
Saturday, March 27, 2010
My dad grew up a Country Boy, and so he listened to the good 'ol classic country. During one of his visits to my house he downloaded all of the music he owns from his iP.od to my computer. Being a daddy's girl through and through, I like to put some of this music on the iP.od I keep in my bathroom so I can listen to it and think of the days when I was a little girl, sitting in his office listening to this same music with him as he worked.
I listen to music everywhere I go and every chance I get. When I get ready for work in the morning, bathe the baby, and take a shower at night, my iP.od is blaring away. The other day I was getting ready for work, or maybe even bed, when it started playing a little ditty called, "Waterloo," by Sto.newall Ja.ckson. The tune itself caught my attention, and then I started to listen to the words. I think I replayed it a couple of times because it was not only catchy, but I applied the lyrics to the my current life situation.
For your viewing and listening pleasure, I give you, "Waterloo," set to pictures of my part of Texas. Enjoy!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I looked in the mirror this morning as I was brushing my teeth and asked myself why all of this was so important. Its not.
I have a wonderful life. I have a beautiful family complete with a husband, a beautiful baby girl, two dogs, a fish, and a newt. This is perfection.
I slowly came down from my anger and bitterness. This was the plan all along. To come to a resolution as soon as possible, to get my feet back on the ground, and to be in a place mentally where I could move forward happily with my life. I have taken time to dwell in my grief, and I don't think that time is completely over yet, but honestly, I think the worst is behind me now. I am learning to accept this. This is my Waterloo (one day I will explain that).
My best friend JD has been struggling with me in my grief. She has been trying so hard to help me find answers and to bring me peace and comfort. She has been with me every step of the way, offering anything and everything she can, including her womb. At times I don't know how I got so blessed as to deserve her friendship. Today she helped me a great deal. She googled, "Why do ba.d thi.ngs happen to go.od people?" She found this article. If you have time, are in a place where you need an answer to this question, or just want to reaffirm God's love for us, read it. I can tell you, I needed it today, and it opened my eyes.
What I learned is that God loves me the way I love my daughter. He understands that I get angry with Him, want to shout in His face, and don't talk to Him for days on end. But when I am ready to talk, He is there, with open arms and all of His tender mercies. When I was weeping over my situation and feeling like I was going to break into pieces, He was there, weeping with me.
I learned that even though God is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, sometimes even He cannot step into the situations in our lives because of free agency, because there are laws that govern even Him. Does He wish this situation for me? No. Did He do this to me? No, and I never thought so.
I was reminded of why I always think the way I do, that everything happens for a reason, and that we don't always know why in the moment. When I was going through infertility to get my daughter, I never thought God had done it to me and that He wasn't blessing me. As hard as it was and as much as it hurt, I knew there was a reason. I just didn't know what it was, until I learned I was pregnant.
Had I not had to fight so hard to win my daughter, I would have taken entirely too much of her life for granted. The blessing of bearing a child and bringing into this world would have been lost on me. Not completely, mind you, but I wouldn't have appreciated it in the capacity I do now. I see too many people taking their pregnancies and children for granted, and it makes me sad. If they only knew....
I admit, I don't know the reason for this problem right now. I have said that all along. And on that same note, I have never said that there wasn't one. Why? Because God knows there is, and it is up to me to find out what it is. It might not be after my appointments, in the next month, year, or even until the end of my life, but there is a reason for this and a lesson to be learned. Maybe that reason is for me to be able to reach out to other women who struggle with infertility. To give me more compassion than I might have otherwise had. Maybe it is to teach me that nothing is ever black and white. I can tell you, there have been a few steps in this journey where I gave myself a few B**** slaps for things I have said or thought about people in my past. I have also issued sincere apologies to those people.
Right now, I am humbled, and I am ready to talk to God. Just as I know I would be if my daughter had ranted over my decision to not allow her to do something I thought could harm her, I know He never left me, gave up on me, or was angry with me for being angry with him. He loves me, and He will guide me in my decision.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
All of that said, I am once again thankful for my antidepressants. They are the awesomest things in the world. They don't prevent me from feeling during these rough patches, but they help me level out quicker and not sink as far when I do get caught up. Who knew something I fought so hard against would turn out to be such a blessing?
I went to the shrink today, and for the first half of my session I ranted and raved about my situation, how it wasn't fair, why God wasn't helping me, why he was placing his babies in the wombs of crack addicts and abusive people. My shrink talked me down from that ledge as best as she could, and tried to get me back on speaking terms with God. I'm closer to talking to him than I was this morning. I still want to ask him where all of this makes sense though.
The last half of the session was talking through the pros and cons of going forward with a pregnancy. Can I just say I feel like a selfish ass when people cry and tell me they don't want me to go forward with this because they don't want to lose me? My OB's eyes welled up when I told her I was going forward with it, and today my shrink cried when she told me she didn't want me to risk it. I feel so calloused when I look at the tears in their eyes and say this is what I want. I feel horrible when my eyes don't well up too.
For now, just as on my primary blog, I will not talk about any of this again until I get my MRI results back. There is just no point. I need to put all of this on the back burner and live my life right now.
Right now I am having a really hard time with facing the reality of the situation. I walked into that RE's office with a freaking smile on my face. I was so sure he was going to tell me what I wanted to hear, and I would skip out of there with a surgery date and a planned conception date for six months later. I also thought that surely my employer would understand all of this, not complain, and hold my job.
On top of that, I know I have endo, but that is a diagnosis that does not belong to me. Or so I thought. Endo isn't that bad. Or so I thought. This RE was more concerned with controlling my endo than he was anything else. Why? Because it is like a cancer. It can spread throughout your entire body. You would think I would know this, considering they found it on my bladder. Women with endo cannot let their insurance lapse, or they become uninsurable. You would think hearing that would shake reality into me. Nope! I'm immortal!
The real bitch about this whole thing right now is facing the facts. How do I pound this reality into my brain so that I can digest it and move on with my life? I am NOT immortal, and a pregnancy could kill me. So why can't I get it through my thick skull that I shouldn't move forward? Why am I so stupid I can't figure it out? Its black and white to everyone else. Why isn't it clear cut to me? Where is my malfunction? Do I need to remove the plastic tab that keeps the battery separated from the button that makes the bells and whistles on the toy go off when pushed?
I can't move on until I face this. But I'm not ready to face this. I can't bring myself to accept the fact that I am broken and irreparable. I can't bring myself to face the reality that if I have any more children, they will not be incubated in me. There is a wall disconnecting my wants and emotions from reality, and I need to learn how to break it down.
I guess I know what I will be talking about with the shrink this afternoon.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My appointment went the way it should have, and not how I so stupidly dreamed it would.
Diagnosis: Your F*cked Up.
Professional Opinion: If you go forward with pregnancy, you're a f*cking idiot. Pray that God has you, your baby, and your pregnancy gently in His hands.
Fame Status: You're 1 in a million baby, and everyone in Texas is talking about you. (No, really, they are. Doctors are calling my new RE to ask about my case because they are afraid for their patients with septum removals. Why? Because this never happens. It is so rare. Hooray for me! I am so glad I get to be that person.)
Where I Am: Can I please just forget all of this happened? Can I just move forward with the knowledge that my daughter is all I will ever have and forget that I am broken? Can I just forget that I have failed?
How I Feel: ANGRY. God and I need to have a talk.
Right now I am just not in the mood to talk about any of this. I don't want to talk about the appointment and what I was told. I don't want to talk about the million directions my mind is going. I don't want to talk about how I'm trying to process this. I don't want to talk about my options. I don't want to be optimistic or look on the bright side right now. I just want to shove it all to the recesses of my mind and forget about it.
Where Did My Positivity Go? I think it leaked out the hole in my uterus along with my chances of bearing more children.
For the first time ever, this infertile doesn't want to talk about it.
Thank God for antidepressants and shrinks.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Welcome to my lovely blog and life adventure. This blog was created last fall when I realized after battling years of infertility and finally bringing a baby into this world, I was dealing with PTSD from said infertility as well as post partum depression. While my infertility story was not a secret from anyone in my real life, this battle was very private. I have a primary blog that was started during my treatment days and still exists to this day, but everyone in my real life has access to it. I knew I needed support and encouragement from women who were struggling or had struggled with what I was going through, so I started this blog and invented my secondary ego, Saige.
My intention had always been to keep both blogs separate, and to rarely let their paths cross. I wanted to keep my identity on this one a secret to prevent folks in my real life from stumbling across it and learning of the inner battles I had been working so hard to hide from them. I didn't want them to know I was depressed, on antidepressants, or seeing a shrink to deal with my issues.
Then last month, my blogs collided two days before ICLW when I found out the uterine rupture, which was the result of my daughter's placenta attaching to scar tissue from a septum removal, had not healed in the way we had hoped, and plunged me back into the world of not being able to TTC once more. Before that day, DH and I had held out hope everything was healing correctly and we would be back at trying for #2 after that day. Instead of being told we were good to start trying again, I was told if I did it would have devastating consequences. I needed love and support from all of my blog friends to help get me through this rough spot, and one blog author met the other on LFCA.
Since that day, I have had an HSG performed to more fully understand the situation. DH and I have opted for surgery and are meeting with an RE on Tuesday to talk about options. We are also seeking a second opinion on surgery from an RE at the May.o Clinic in April. I have been to see the shrink a few times to talk through my feelings on being back in this situation, how it is different from the first time, how much riskier it is, and how I still absolutely want to do it.
I know what is on the line, and just how much is at stake, but friends, I am here to tell you, once you win the battle the first time, the desire to fight for another one does not diminish. I want another baby just as much as I wanted the first, and so I am willing to put my life on the line to get it. We just hope it doesn't come to that. I just need to do this one more time to provide my husband with some of the childREN he always wanted, and my daughter with at least one sibling. I feel like if I can't do that, then I have failed. So this infertile chooses to the play the hand she has been dealt.
Since the creation of this blog, I have never looked back or regretted a second of it. Is it a lot of work to upkeep two blogs and follow two sets of blogs? Not really. I follow around 85 blogs between the two of them, and most of the time manage to keep up very well. Every now and then I fall behind a bit, but I do my best to be there for each and everyone of my blog friends.
So there you have it, the purpose behind this blog tied up in a neat little package. I hope you have enjoyed your stay, and I look forward to meeting new friends as the week continues.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
So, a couple of weekends ago I took one of my BFFs to an Irish festival that was in town. She has been having a rough go at life lately, loves EVERYTHING Irish, and needing a day out to just enjoy herself. We had a blast. My husband didn't, but the girls did, and that is all that mattered that day. We toured hundreds of booths peddling Irish fare. I bought a new dress for the renaissance festivals they have here in Texas twice a year and that DH and I LOVE to go to, and my BF bought a gorgeous green bodice. We dress up for these festivals and have a great time. My BF now intends to go to said festivals with us.
It was during our booth touring that I came across a Scottish booth. Okay, I am seriously in love with Scotland and all things Scottish. My husband and I visited there a couple of years ago when we were in the thick of infertility treatments. It was a much needed and deserved break. If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Scotland. On top of being a completely gorgeous land, Border Collies come from Scotland. In fact, Sadie's daddy is from Scotland (I always ask her if he had an accent). So when we visited there, I bought tons of BC stuff because you don't really see it here that often (when I do, I buy it).
The thing that first attracted me to the booth was this pair of socks.
Of course I had to buy them! Then on further inspection I found these socks to go with the others.
Guess who was in heaven? Me!
The sales lady got wind of me and it all went down hill from there. Before I knew it I had this pillow cover in my hand to go with my socks.
Then I had their last BC Christmas ornament in which I can write my dog's names. A magnet for my car that says "I *heart* my Border Collie", and a stuffed BC for the Munchkin (which she loves and sleeps with in her crib).
My husband had to walk away to keep from seeing me go nuts over so much BC stuff, and my friend just sat there and laughed. I couldn't help it. I so rarely see BC stuff, and then it was in a Scottish booth to top it all off!
But the best two BCs at the end of the day are right here, under my roof with me.
They are sitting in front of Sven, my husband's mannequin that he intends to use to make himself leather armor (or so he said when he bought the leather and Sven 4 years ago) for said renaissance festivals. Sadie is hiding his "Man Junk." Good pup!
In closing I would like to say that I really am a very sane person and not weird in any way, even though I realize some of my posts on this blog can make me appear that way. If you want or need proof of my sanity, let me know and I will provide you with my primary blog address. :)
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Tribute to the Man Who is My Everything
The stars and the moon in my sky
My sanity in an insane world
The rock who is my firm foundation
The glue who keeps me together
The father of my daughter
To the man who hates having his picture taken
And never takes off his sunglasses
I Love You Anyway
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Blast it all!
I told him surely our neighbor would understand.
DH told me I should reschedule our appointment for the following week. That I have waited this long and it wouldn't hurt me to wait another week.
*insert lots of grumbling and swearing under my breath*
As if this whole thing hasn't already been delayed long enough. But what do you do? The guy is a good friend of ours, and it was an honor that he invited us, so we can't bail now.
Not only that, but DH pointed out tonight that he doesn't want to fly all the way to the clinic just to have a 15 minute consult. He wants to make sure they are going to do tests, take notes, etc. And if they are going to do tests, I need to make sure we are there long enough to get them done.
Good point babe.
So I'm going to call back tomorrow and ask for the doctor to call me back so I can speak with her personally to determine what are initial consult will be fore and what, if anything, we need to do. Hopefully we can get in the following week.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Every encounter with her is a bag on me. As Border Collies, my dogs are a direct reflection of me. She is calling into question my ability to train and control my dogs. It is the same as her walking past me without my dogs and telling me to control myself when I hadn't said or done anything to her, when I was minding my own business. As someone who has spent the majority of her life around dogs, training them, and going to dog school just to properly socialize my dogs, I take hits to my dogs very personally. They are fanstastic dogs. Do they get a little out of line sometimes? Sure, who doesn't? But on the days she attacked my dogs and me, neither one of them was stepping a toe out of line.
After our little rift on Tuesday, I spent ALL DAY Wednesday fuming and having preparatory verbal battles in my head. I told all of my friends and coworkers about what had happened. They were SHOCKED this woman got me to be so verbal, and some of them even offered to go to battle against her with me just for the good of all mankind.
Because I had focused so much energy on her Wednesday, I woke up in a funk Thursday morning. I was blue and I didn't care about much. My good friend J told me I was in an emotional withdrawal, which is quite true. Things that normally make me happy didn't budge my blues. I just didn't have the energy to put into emotions.
Anyway, sorry to talk about her so much, but if you have been following my blog for any length of time, you know that I use this blog as an outlet for stuff like this. It is a therapy and a hope. A hope that the people whom these types of posts are about will somehow come across them and read them. Why don't I just tell them about them or say these things in person? Because I am the epitome of passive aggressive. I don't need to be in anyone's face to let feelings go, I just need an outlet somewhere, and this blog is it for me. Writing about it all seriously makes me feel better. It allows me to get the battle out of my head and off my mind so I can move on.
If you actually read this post, feel free to validate me with a comment. :p
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The definition of a Relator is:
Relator describes your attitude toward your relationships. In simple terms, the Relator theme pulls you toward people you already know. You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people -- in fact, you may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends. You are comfortable with intimacy. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you want them to understand yours.
This is very true. One of the things I enjoy most is to make friends of the people who are not personable. There are a few people in my office who do not make contact with others, let alone smile at others when passing. It took some doing on my part, but I eventually broke them down and they now not only smile to me in passing, they stop and converse with me. When that connection is made, it makes my day. And every day I talk to one of those people or say hello as we pass in the hall, it actually gives me a bit of a high.
The same thing goes for blogging. I love it when I make blog friends and we have a connection through comments. I have some blog friends whom I have never met (well, that is all of you), but that I care about just as deeply as I do people IRL. I celebrate your triumphs and grieve your losses just as I would with a best friend IRL. I am glad to know all of you and share a friendship with you.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I want to start out by saying that I feel really bad for you. I realize that your unprovoked and neurotic attacks on me on the walking trail are a direct result of your miserable, lonely, and presumably divorced life. I further want to add that I feel sorry for you in that you seem to honestly believe that this world revolves around you, that you are the center of the universe, and that your demands, wants, and needs must be fulfilled before anyone else's in this world (oh wait, is there anyone else in this world?). I am sure it must be very hard when your grocery shopping is done mainly in the "Meals for One" section, and when you have to buy your mangy, malnourished cocker spaniels O.l R.oy Dinne.r Rou.nds, but that is no reason to take your sad life on anyone else.
I don't understand why you feel the need to take your miserable life out on me, a complete stranger who was minding her own business, walking her dogs with her infant, and trying to enjoy a walk that was much needed for relaxation and therapeutic reasons, and without taking into account what battles I might be fighting in this world. I did nothing to you. I said nothing to you. And in fact, had you not felt the need to be so completely heinous to me, I would have treated you like any other person on that walking trail, which is to say I would have smiled politely and told you hello.
I realize that you have some serious neurosis going on, and I wish that for the sake of all dog owners on that trail that you would seek help. I know a great doctor who can prescribe you some wonderful anti-depressants along with some Xa.nnex (which you can take before hitting the trails), as well as a beyond wonderful psychologist who can help you work through your anger against the world.
I would like you to note, while not screaming over the top of me, that my dogs are very well trained and very well behaved. Had you taken two seconds to take your tunnel vision off of yourself, you would notice that my dogs could care less about you or you sickly looking dogs. They are Border Collies. When they go to "work" (i.e., walks and play fetch), they are focused on ONE thing and ONE THING ONLY, and that is the task at hand. Last time you decided to scream at me at the top of your lungs, my dogs, much like you to us, didn't notice your existence as they lay quietly by my feet waiting for the next ball to be thrown. Why? Because they are trained! I have yet to be told they are anything less than amazing dogs by anyone but you. Should you require it, I am sure I can have literally over 100 people write up letters of recommendation for my dogs and their behavior.
Had you not opened your pie hole tonight, I would have never noticed you on the trail, and would have gone home thinking how blessed I was to not have encountered you. You very obviously did not notice that I was enjoying pointing out all of the duckies to my daughter as my dogs also looked on at them (not you or your mutts). But no, you could not pass by me in silence. Of course not. What would this world be if you didn't ruin someone else's evening? *GASP!* Just as with every single other time we encounter one another, you opened your hole and spewed hateful words at me to provoke yet another fight.
I am not a confrontational person at all. In fact, I am so nonconfrontational I ate lunch in the library my entire 8th grade year to prevent having to fight a couple of girls who had a misunderstanding with a friend of mine and me. The fact that you are so easily able to bring the fight out of me says a lot about you, and it isn't good. In fact, when I tell people of our encounters, they can't believe you got me riled up to the point of shouting back because it isn't in my nature.
I haven't done anything to you, never have, never will, so please, next time we pass each other on the trail, please for the love of God and everything holy, keep your dad-blasted yap shut and let me enjoy my walk in peace!
In closing I would like to share a favorite quote with you that goes something like this, "Be kinder than is necessary to everyone you meet, for we are all fighting our own battles." I'll paint it on something ceramic for you and swing it by.
Your Fed Up Neighbor
P.S. Yes, I had my friends follow you home and I now know you where live too. Big freakidy woop.
For those of you to whom this letter is not addressed and would like a little back story, see these posts:
Monday, March 8, 2010
As I have said before, Nate and I hung out every single Friday and on the occasional Saturday when he didn't have to work. We always had so much fun together. Even when life just plain sucked, we had each other to cheer us up. One spring we decided to take a trek downtown for a bit of fun with some black and white film. We were kind of goofy, but we always had a blast. So now I give you, Fun in Black and White!
First up we have a picture of a very humiliated, dilapidated bike.
This bike had been chained to the pole just like this for over two years. I don't know if it is still there, but every time Nate and I saw it we would laugh and make jokes. In the winter when the snow fell, this bike frame could be seen sticking up just above the inches of accumulation. Even the thought of this poor thing still makes me laugh. But seriously, could we have taken a more artistic picture? (Doesn't being in black and white automatically make it artistic?)
Next up we have what I liked to call, "The Cal.vin Kli.en Pose." This is a pose in which I try to be serious with a slight smile on my face. What I was looking at, we'll never know.
I mean, look at that gorgeous subject matter. It was such a beautiful spring day, and apparently no jacket was necessary. I sure did love those Do.c Mar.tins too. Those were the best shoes.
Now we have Nate, taking time to stop and smell the blossoms.
What a fantastic picture. How often do you see guy of Nate's caliber stopping to smell the new spring blossoms of a fruitless tree? The answer to that is not very. If I remember correctly, those blossoms either didn't smell, or they stunk. I'm going with the latter just for comedic purposes.
And Finally, I present you with trying to look gorgeous in 80% humidity and a misting rain at Mt. Ver.non in Virginia.
I think my dad took this picture, as Nate was clear on the other side of the country while I was out visiting my sister. In fact, this picture was taken just weeks after I met and hooked up with my DH. Guess who I was thinking about when this one was taken?
I hope you have enjoyed this happy ride down memory lane and that it evoked even a small smile (even if that smile was only in your head).
My next post will most likely be back to everything serious. Until then, enjoy looking at the bike.
As Nate and I always used to say, "We're so cool. I wish we were us."
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I issued the call for specialists on my primary blog and a few of my readers referred me to the Ma.yo Clinic's infertility department. I made a call on Friday and spent a lot of time on hold as they tracked down the doctor who would best be able to handle my case and gave him the skinny. Long story short, he wants to see my records to determine if he can help us before he tells us to fly out there. That in and of itself tells me if he can, I am in good hands. He isn't just a money grubbing doctor who will tell me he can cast a spell on my uterus and make it whole.
Sadly, I know getting my records from my current doctor's office could take a week or more. I am hoping if I let them know the situation I can get them to expedite it, as my fertile life is on hold until Dr. G can review them.
The one good thing is that I do still have an appointment with a specialist here on the 23rd, but unless he tells me something he didn't already tell me through my OB, he can't help us. He thinks he can, but he can't. We're not okay with him just slicing, dicing, and sewing things back together. We want him to not only minimize the scar tissue left behind, but to put in some kind of barrier that will prevent eggs from implanting into it again. Maybe he can do that. We'll just have to wait and see.
Anyway, that's all I have for tonight. I'm exhausted from spending the day at an Irish festival and I have blogger's block. Hopefully I will catch up on blogs soon and have something more interesting to write about.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I chugged ahead and went to work, once again trying to process information overload on an already taxed brain. I know what I want, but I don't know that the way to go about getting it is going to be through me. All I could think about this morning was how I was going to get what I want without making my husband feel like he was bulldozed or that I wasn't listening to him.
Then it hit me, surrogacy. I have had two very dear friends sincerely offer up their wombs, and if my options are to risk dying to bring a baby into the world, or allow my very dear friends to be on this journey with me, then I will have to seriously think about the latter. One of them is single and has never been pregnant. The day of my sono, her and I went to dinner and she offered up her womb in earnest. She told me that perhaps I was the answer to her prayers every bit as she is mine. It was a very touching evening.
So today I left work early, came home and took a nap to recover, and then when my husband got home we went out to eat. On our drive, I told him where I stood on our situation. I let him know that my first obvious desire was to carry our children, but that if it was too risky, then I wanted us to seriously consider surrogacy, but that no matter what, I wanted the decision to be ours. I want us to be united.
I guess he had a lot of time to think things over today too because what he said next made me remember that I am married to the most wonderful, loving, caring man in all the world (and the only one who can handle me). He told me that he wants second and third opinions before we do surgery. I told him that was great, and there are two centers here I want to look into. He told me not to limit myself to the city, or even this state. He told me to search the country and the world. He wants the best surgeon on this, and he wants a different answer than what we have already been given. He feels that with the science we have these days, there has to be a better option, a better surgery, and a better, safer way for us to get pregnant. He then said that he would take time off work to go wherever the surgeon was, and that we could use our timeshare to go there for a week or two if we had to.
I can't even begin to put into words what I was feeling in that moment because they were all over the place. This situation is enormous, and it is bigger than I ever thought it would be. I feel like we're heading into the major leagues. This is a fight I never in a million years thought I would be fighting. I feel like I am in the ranks of women undergoing IVF as far as wanting a pregnancy so badly, I will go to any lengths to achieve it. This is huge.
But what I am really taking away from tonight is that I have a partner by my side who is willing to do what it takes to help me build our family just one more time. That means more to me than any of this. The man downstairs who has fallen asleep in front of the TV once again is absolutely my soul mate, my eternal companion, and the best thing to ever happen to me.
Thank God for my husband. For making him just for me. For putting him on this earth just for me. God knew what he was doing when he put us together. I love him more than the air I breathe.
With that, my dear friends, I leave with a question to all of you. Do any of you know how to go about finding the best fertility specialist in the world to fix a uterine rupture? Where does one start such a search? Go.ogle? I mean, that doesn't seem like the best route, but it is a start. I am open to ideas, suggestions, and referrals.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tonight my husband went with me to the shrink. I was bound and determined that this session would be awesome and that we would leave there happier and closer together than when we went in. Ha!
*disclaimer - My husband and I have an awesome marriage. We weren't going for marriage counseling, but rather to seek help on dealing with our current infertility situation.*
During our session I told my shrink that I was afraid that if I didn't go forward with the surgery and getting pregnant again that 10 years down the road my husband would resent me for giving up. I was further afraid that he would resent me because I am the one who doesn't work, not him.
The shrink asked what he thought about that and he said, "I think she doesn't listen to me. Ever." When she asked what he meant by that, he explained that he had already told me he didn't care if we didn't have any more children. That he feels the 40% risk of a rupture is too high for him, and that he thinks those odds are shitty. He said he wouldn't put $10 on those odds, let alone his wife's life. He would rather we not move forward and only have one child than move forward and risk losing me. He said he feels bulldozed by my decision to move forward, and like he doesn't have a say in the matter.
When she asked what I thought about that, I reiterated my fear of him resenting me. I stopped midsentence as a new though occurred to me, and then I began to cry so hard I could barely speak. It was in that moment I realized I wasn't afraid he would resent me, it was that I am afraid I will resent me.
At that moment it was like a grain of sand had fallen on top of a mountain that caused it to come crashing down. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the deluge of thoughts that went screaming through my head. All I could do was sob to the point I couldn't even take a breath.
If he doesn't want this, then it means I have to come to terms with the fact that I won't have any more children, but I want more children. I want more children so badly. I had finally gotten to the point where I was okay with moving forward, despite the risks, but now here I was facing the death of my dream all over again. Only this time, I realized I am alone in that decision, and that if things don't go well, if the risks come true, my husband will resent me. But I want another child. Just one more. If I don't have one more, then my daughter will be an only child. She won't have anyone to play board games with or play on her playground with her when her friends can't come over. There will be no riding buddy on theme park vacations. There will be no 24/7 friend under her roof.
If I don't bring another child into this world for her and her daddy, I failed.
Oh my gosh, I am broken. I really, truly, honest to God am broken.
Who will resent me? I WILL.
I looked at my husband and collected myself enough to tell him what I had just realized. I sobbed as I told him I was sorry for making him the target of my fears. I was sorry for taking this all out on him. I realized he meant what he had been saying all along, just like he meant it when he told me he would be happy if we never had children back when we were trying for our daughter. I always thought he said that to ease my pain, and on some level he did, but he also meant it because all he wants is to be with me.
Wow. I totally did not expect that.
That was about half way into our session, so the next half was spent with me trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered dream all over again. Trying once again to come to terms with the realization that I might be done having children. Looking this ugly monster in the eyes AGAIN. My husband sat quietly by my side.
We came home, and after I had put the baby to bed, I called my parents. My mom answered the phone, so I talked to her about what had happened and how I was feeling, which made me feel horrible because she just underwent reconstructive surgery from a mastectomy and I felt the last thing she needed was my garbage. Luckily she felt the opposite.
She talked me through my feelings. She told me that DH and I need to pray about this, and that I can't discount my urge to try for another baby, but that I also can't discount my husband's feelings. In the end she told me to do the surgery, and then to do some soul searching and praying over the next few months when we aren't allowed to try for a baby anyway. We both wished that she knew what I am supposed to do. She reminded me that three people today told me I need to pray about this.
Three people? you ask.
Yes, the very sweet, thoughtful, and caring Hannah from Life Happens sent this beautiful sign to me and it arrived today, of all days.
Just in case you can't read it, it says, "Blessings come down when prayers go up."
I had no idea how prophetic it would be until after my shrink appointment tonight. Hannah, you truly were inspired. But above that, I am so grateful to you beyond words for this precious gift. You are fighting your own, very tough battle, yet you found it in your heart to send something so sweet to me. I thought about where I would hang it, because I wanted it to be somewhere I would notice it every day. I've decided to hang it on the inside of my front door so I can see it every time I open the door, so that my guests see it every time they leave. I will always think of you when I see it and feel a fondness for you that goes beyond saying. I can't thank you enough, but thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So tonight I am trying to digest a new, but similar bitter pill. It all comes back to the same thing, and it all just plain sucks. It just added another whole new dimension to the suckiness. I just wish I knew what I am supposed to do.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I want to start out by saying that I have not missed your nastiness for the last 2.5 years. Your visits after my surgery were the best we have ever had, and if you have to be around, I would prefer you come and go the way you did in those months leading up to my pregnancy. I liked that you were finally able to visit without making me sick with cramps a week before you actually reared your ugly head. I loved the way that when you did rear, you didn't knock me on my ass for a day, pleading for a swift death to ease the pain and stop the nausea.
I don't understand why you feel that just because you have been blocked from my life since May of 08 that you have to come back with a vengeance. I'm not sure why you feel the need to put me in constant pain the last couple of days, knowing full well you aren't due until next week. Are you going to torture me until you darken my doorstep? And why aren't non-prescription pain killers enough to make you ease off a bit? Do I really have to go to the doctor to get horse tranquilizers again?
I don't appreciate the way you have been trying to rebuild my lining completely in a 24-hour period. It isn't necessary for any reason at all. I don't need a nice thick lining for a baby right now, and there is no need to make up for lost time in one cycle. Please ease up a bit, could you?
I realize you may have missed me the last couple of years, but I would appreciate a nicer hello present. This one just isn't working for me. I gave you ice cream on top of a brownie along with an N.SAID. I would appreciate it if you would graciously accept those gifts and slow down in the pain and bloat department. Let's make this relationship a little more amicable, okay?
Thank you so much,
And now a letter to my IUD:
I miss you. I am sorry I didn't appreciate you more when we were together. I look back fondly on our time together now and appreciate how you kept AF at bay. How you protected me from her cruelness.
We had good times, didn't we?
If I could take back the day we were parted, I would. I will always remember peaking at you under your paper towel after you had been removed and telling you goodbye.
I hope you are happy in your new biowaste life.
I will miss you the next few months.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I think my husband was a little shocked tonight when he said something about our three children, and I looked him in the eye and told him I was only going to tempt fate once more. We both wanted three or more, but I just don't think I could go through what I am about to again.
My pregnancy is going to be so extremely high risk. We are counting on the fact that I will spend weeks, if not months in the hospital. We know we will meet our maximum out of pocket deductible for the year. We know we are up against a lot of risks and complications. I have the fight in me to do it one more time, but after that, I need to accept the fact that it is time to stop for my safety and to ensure that my children have a mother.
In my primary blog, I laid out all of what we are up against. I might copy the post over here later. Rest assured, it is a lot. This is going to be a battle that makes my journey to my daughter look like a cake walk. My doctor has made it very clear she wishes we wouldn't proceed, but if we do, she will be here for and with me through the whole thing. I am in great hands.
I think the best thing I walked away with after Friday is the knowledge that I have to take the next 7-9 months off TTC. Yes I was excited to start trying again, but honestly, I didn't feel like our wait was over. It didn't feel right. When my ticker on my other blog got to 0, I felt like it needed more time on it. On top of that, I was kind of sad to get back into things because I am enjoying our family of 3 right now. I love that my husband and I are completely focused on our daughter. I want that to last a little bit longer, especially if I end up in the hospital for months with our next baby. I see this surgery and wait as a blessing more than anything. It was meant to be.
This weekend I spent time with my family, enjoying every minute and taking it all in. We went to the nursery and I bought some seeds to plant tomatoes, jalapenos, peas, and herbs. The Munchkin picked out some squash seeds, which we thought was so cute, we bought them for her. I wasted no time planting them. The Munchkin was an adorable helper who ended up with dirt in and all over her mouth. I loved that moment. This is how it was supposed to be.
I'm glad we have to wait. And when it comes time to try for #2, I will be more ready and more at peace with it than I was a week ago. Next time, it will be time.