Wednesday, March 24, 2010


You know where I went wrong all of these years? I do. I have been acting like a stupid teenager who thinks they are immortal. Its like I have been hearing everything all of these doctors have been telling me, but it has stupidly gone in one ear and out the other. Hence my continual optimism. If I didn't "hear" it, it wasn't said, and therefore must not be true. They must be talking about someone else.

Right now I am having a really hard time with facing the reality of the situation. I walked into that RE's office with a freaking smile on my face. I was so sure he was going to tell me what I wanted to hear, and I would skip out of there with a surgery date and a planned conception date for six months later. I also thought that surely my employer would understand all of this, not complain, and hold my job.

On top of that, I know I have endo, but that is a diagnosis that does not belong to me. Or so I thought. Endo isn't that bad. Or so I thought. This RE was more concerned with controlling my endo than he was anything else. Why? Because it is like a cancer. It can spread throughout your entire body. You would think I would know this, considering they found it on my bladder. Women with endo cannot let their insurance lapse, or they become uninsurable. You would think hearing that would shake reality into me. Nope! I'm immortal!

The real bitch about this whole thing right now is facing the facts. How do I pound this reality into my brain so that I can digest it and move on with my life? I am NOT immortal, and a pregnancy could kill me. So why can't I get it through my thick skull that I shouldn't move forward? Why am I so stupid I can't figure it out? Its black and white to everyone else. Why isn't it clear cut to me? Where is my malfunction? Do I need to remove the plastic tab that keeps the battery separated from the button that makes the bells and whistles on the toy go off when pushed?

I can't move on until I face this. But I'm not ready to face this. I can't bring myself to accept the fact that I am broken and irreparable. I can't bring myself to face the reality that if I have any more children, they will not be incubated in me. There is a wall disconnecting my wants and emotions from reality, and I need to learn how to break it down.

I guess I know what I will be talking about with the shrink this afternoon.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

This is the hardest thing in the world to face and you take all the time that you need. All you were doing is trying to be positive, so I can understand why you chose to have the 'immortality' attitude. I hope you're able to have a useful session with the shrink and work through some of this.
Sending you love and (((HUGS)))

Willow said...

Of course it's virtually impossible to accept that something you want so much, something that should be not only possible but EASY, may not be good for you. I think you are coping with it, and I don't think you should beat yourself up for finding it difficult. Wishing you peace & healing.

Kelly said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. It will take time for this to all sink in and for you to process. No one would blame you if you wanted to take some time to not face it and not talk about it.