Monday, March 1, 2010

Taking It All In

This weekend I felt like I was on cloud 9. I know that most people would see my upcoming battle as daunting and not the least bit exciting or anything to look forward to, but I do. I can't wait to get this show on the road, and I know that many of you out there know exactly where I am coming from. I will do anything to bring another child into this world. Right now, at this stage in my life, I feel like this is what I was made to do. That being said, I have also decided that I will stop after my second child. It isn't the three I always dreamed of, but I have to be honest with myself and come to terms with the fact that my body is just not built to keep doing the job of Mi.chelle Du.ggar (bless her heart). I wish it was, but it isn't.

I think my husband was a little shocked tonight when he said something about our three children, and I looked him in the eye and told him I was only going to tempt fate once more. We both wanted three or more, but I just don't think I could go through what I am about to again.

My pregnancy is going to be so extremely high risk. We are counting on the fact that I will spend weeks, if not months in the hospital. We know we will meet our maximum out of pocket deductible for the year. We know we are up against a lot of risks and complications. I have the fight in me to do it one more time, but after that, I need to accept the fact that it is time to stop for my safety and to ensure that my children have a mother.

In my primary blog, I laid out all of what we are up against. I might copy the post over here later. Rest assured, it is a lot. This is going to be a battle that makes my journey to my daughter look like a cake walk. My doctor has made it very clear she wishes we wouldn't proceed, but if we do, she will be here for and with me through the whole thing. I am in great hands.

I think the best thing I walked away with after Friday is the knowledge that I have to take the next 7-9 months off TTC. Yes I was excited to start trying again, but honestly, I didn't feel like our wait was over. It didn't feel right. When my ticker on my other blog got to 0, I felt like it needed more time on it. On top of that, I was kind of sad to get back into things because I am enjoying our family of 3 right now. I love that my husband and I are completely focused on our daughter. I want that to last a little bit longer, especially if I end up in the hospital for months with our next baby. I see this surgery and wait as a blessing more than anything. It was meant to be.

This weekend I spent time with my family, enjoying every minute and taking it all in. We went to the nursery and I bought some seeds to plant tomatoes, jalapenos, peas, and herbs. The Munchkin picked out some squash seeds, which we thought was so cute, we bought them for her. I wasted no time planting them. The Munchkin was an adorable helper who ended up with dirt in and all over her mouth. I loved that moment. This is how it was supposed to be.

I'm glad we have to wait. And when it comes time to try for #2, I will be more ready and more at peace with it than I was a week ago. Next time, it will be time.


Noelle said...

I just love your last few posts! I feel like you ought to have the "Rocky" theme playing in the background. I so admire your strength. You are going to have another child. The fight in you is just so strong. There is no way that you will not accomplish your goal.

Isn't that interesting that you just KNEW that the timing wasn't right for you to ttc again? I recall that from your previous posts. I agree-you just weren't ready. You seemed to talk about ttc with trepidation. I think that God instilled that sense in you so that you would be more at peace with the waiting.

And I think it is fabulous that you will be able to spend more time with the three of you. Your daughter...she is beautiful beyond words. She is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. And I never think that about children. I normally don't see them as beautiful. But your daughter... She is magic.

Potters said...

I am so glad that you are trusting your gut feeling right now. I love that you were able to plant those seeds so early. I am jealous that you have awesome weather to do so right now.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Saige!
As you know I've been reading both blogs just to see how you're feeling and be there for you if I can. I think it's great that you're at peace with this, and you're right, it is good to enjoy your time as a family of 3 because it won't last forever now!!
This 7-9 months, I think will give you time to get as mentally ready as it's possible to be! Noelle is right, you are strong and brave.
I hope you're able to recover easily and quickly from the surgery.
Take care