Thursday, March 25, 2010

Hello God, Can We Talk?

As with every other day over the last month+, my emotions took a new turn today from that of yesterday. Today I have calmed down and was doing my best to stick to my resolution of not trying to make a decision on this mess until after all three of my appointments. I did a great job of it. Instead, I tried to visualize my life being just the three of us forever and being happy with that. I told DH about that thought this morning. He asked if I could really be happy with that. Yes, I can. I know I can.

I looked in the mirror this morning as I was brushing my teeth and asked myself why all of this was so important. Its not.

I have a wonderful life. I have a beautiful family complete with a husband, a beautiful baby girl, two dogs, a fish, and a newt. This is perfection.

I slowly came down from my anger and bitterness. This was the plan all along. To come to a resolution as soon as possible, to get my feet back on the ground, and to be in a place mentally where I could move forward happily with my life. I have taken time to dwell in my grief, and I don't think that time is completely over yet, but honestly, I think the worst is behind me now. I am learning to accept this. This is my Waterloo (one day I will explain that).

My best friend JD has been struggling with me in my grief. She has been trying so hard to help me find answers and to bring me peace and comfort. She has been with me every step of the way, offering anything and everything she can, including her womb. At times I don't know how I got so blessed as to deserve her friendship. Today she helped me a great deal. She googled, "Why do ba.d thi.ngs happen to go.od people?" She found this article. If you have time, are in a place where you need an answer to this question, or just want to reaffirm God's love for us, read it. I can tell you, I needed it today, and it opened my eyes.

What I learned is that God loves me the way I love my daughter. He understands that I get angry with Him, want to shout in His face, and don't talk to Him for days on end. But when I am ready to talk, He is there, with open arms and all of His tender mercies. When I was weeping over my situation and feeling like I was going to break into pieces, He was there, weeping with me.

I learned that even though God is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, sometimes even He cannot step into the situations in our lives because of free agency, because there are laws that govern even Him. Does He wish this situation for me? No. Did He do this to me? No, and I never thought so.

I was reminded of why I always think the way I do, that everything happens for a reason, and that we don't always know why in the moment. When I was going through infertility to get my daughter, I never thought God had done it to me and that He wasn't blessing me. As hard as it was and as much as it hurt, I knew there was a reason. I just didn't know what it was, until I learned I was pregnant.

Had I not had to fight so hard to win my daughter, I would have taken entirely too much of her life for granted. The blessing of bearing a child and bringing into this world would have been lost on me. Not completely, mind you, but I wouldn't have appreciated it in the capacity I do now. I see too many people taking their pregnancies and children for granted, and it makes me sad. If they only knew....

I admit, I don't know the reason for this problem right now. I have said that all along. And on that same note, I have never said that there wasn't one. Why? Because God knows there is, and it is up to me to find out what it is. It might not be after my appointments, in the next month, year, or even until the end of my life, but there is a reason for this and a lesson to be learned. Maybe that reason is for me to be able to reach out to other women who struggle with infertility. To give me more compassion than I might have otherwise had. Maybe it is to teach me that nothing is ever black and white. I can tell you, there have been a few steps in this journey where I gave myself a few B**** slaps for things I have said or thought about people in my past. I have also issued sincere apologies to those people.

Right now, I am humbled, and I am ready to talk to God. Just as I know I would be if my daughter had ranted over my decision to not allow her to do something I thought could harm her, I know He never left me, gave up on me, or was angry with me for being angry with him. He loves me, and He will guide me in my decision.


Heather said...


One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Wishing 4 One said...

Amazing. You know I have always said that when things happen, there is a reason. We may not know why at that time, but it will make itself known at a later time in this life or maybe even in the next. I am so glad the article enlightened you this sh*t is not easy and sometimes we need a reminder of what really matters. Have a great weekend, you so deserve it my friend. xoxo

Suzanne said...

Saige, when I read this my first thought was, "wow"! This is just so inspirational. You are such a strong and amazing woman and I want to thank you for all the peace and comfort you have given to me. I wish that I knew the reason why this was happening to you just like I wish I knew the reason for my own loss. You're right, God is with us no matter what and we just have to have faith and trust in him. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as always.

mckala7 said...

((HUGS)) You go girl! Way to get back in the saddle. We'll battle together.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Keep hanging onto the hope and strength you have. You are an awesome person and I am glad that you are starting to feel there is a reason for all of this and that the tornado has passed.
Take care :)

Noelle said...

What a beautiful post. What really stuck out to me was the faith that you have in God. Whenever bad things happen to me, I always seem to blame God. I think, "Why did He allow this?" "Can't He just change this?" I really admire your strength and your faith.

I see you are really growing. I know that there is a reason for this, and I really hope that you are able to find out soon. If not, I know you will someday. It is amazing watching you grow.

Life Happens said...

God never gives up on us. Life would be so much nicer if He stepped in and took away all of our pain, but then we would never learn.

May God continue to bless your life.