As with every other day over the last month+, my emotions took a new turn today from that of yesterday. Today I have calmed down and was doing my best to stick to my resolution of not trying to make a decision on this mess until after all three of my appointments. I did a great job of it. Instead, I tried to visualize my life being just the three of us forever and being happy with that. I told DH about that thought this morning. He asked if I could really be happy with that. Yes, I can. I know I can.
I looked in the mirror this morning as I was brushing my teeth and asked myself why all of this was so important. Its not.
I have a wonderful life. I have a beautiful family complete with a husband, a beautiful baby girl, two dogs, a fish, and a newt. This is perfection.
I slowly came down from my anger and bitterness. This was the plan all along. To come to a resolution as soon as possible, to get my feet back on the ground, and to be in a place mentally where I could move forward happily with my life. I have taken time to dwell in my grief, and I don't think that time is completely over yet, but honestly, I think the worst is behind me now. I am learning to accept this. This is my Waterloo (one day I will explain that).
My best friend JD has been struggling with me in my grief. She has been trying so hard to help me find answers and to bring me peace and comfort. She has been with me every step of the way, offering anything and everything she can, including her womb. At times I don't know how I got so blessed as to deserve her friendship. Today she helped me a great deal. She googled, "Why do ba.d thi.ngs happen to go.od people?" She found this article. If you have time, are in a place where you need an answer to this question, or just want to reaffirm God's love for us, read it. I can tell you, I needed it today, and it opened my eyes.
What I learned is that God loves me the way I love my daughter. He understands that I get angry with Him, want to shout in His face, and don't talk to Him for days on end. But when I am ready to talk, He is there, with open arms and all of His tender mercies. When I was weeping over my situation and feeling like I was going to break into pieces, He was there, weeping with me.
I learned that even though God is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, sometimes even He cannot step into the situations in our lives because of free agency, because there are laws that govern even Him. Does He wish this situation for me? No. Did He do this to me? No, and I never thought so.
I was reminded of why I always think the way I do, that everything happens for a reason, and that we don't always know why in the moment. When I was going through infertility to get my daughter, I never thought God had done it to me and that He wasn't blessing me. As hard as it was and as much as it hurt, I knew there was a reason. I just didn't know what it was, until I learned I was pregnant.
Had I not had to fight so hard to win my daughter, I would have taken entirely too much of her life for granted. The blessing of bearing a child and bringing into this world would have been lost on me. Not completely, mind you, but I wouldn't have appreciated it in the capacity I do now. I see too many people taking their pregnancies and children for granted, and it makes me sad. If they only knew....
I admit, I don't know the reason for this problem right now. I have said that all along. And on that same note, I have never said that there wasn't one. Why? Because God knows there is, and it is up to me to find out what it is. It might not be after my appointments, in the next month, year, or even until the end of my life, but there is a reason for this and a lesson to be learned. Maybe that reason is for me to be able to reach out to other women who struggle with infertility. To give me more compassion than I might have otherwise had. Maybe it is to teach me that nothing is ever black and white. I can tell you, there have been a few steps in this journey where I gave myself a few B**** slaps for things I have said or thought about people in my past. I have also issued sincere apologies to those people.
Right now, I am humbled, and I am ready to talk to God. Just as I know I would be if my daughter had ranted over my decision to not allow her to do something I thought could harm her, I know He never left me, gave up on me, or was angry with me for being angry with him. He loves me, and He will guide me in my decision.