Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hooray for ICLW!

Dear ICLW readers,

Welcome to my lovely blog and life adventure. This blog was created last fall when I realized after battling years of infertility and finally bringing a baby into this world, I was dealing with PTSD from said infertility as well as post partum depression. While my infertility story was not a secret from anyone in my real life, this battle was very private. I have a primary blog that was started during my treatment days and still exists to this day, but everyone in my real life has access to it. I knew I needed support and encouragement from women who were struggling or had struggled with what I was going through, so I started this blog and invented my secondary ego, Saige.

My intention had always been to keep both blogs separate, and to rarely let their paths cross. I wanted to keep my identity on this one a secret to prevent folks in my real life from stumbling across it and learning of the inner battles I had been working so hard to hide from them. I didn't want them to know I was depressed, on antidepressants, or seeing a shrink to deal with my issues.

Then last month, my blogs collided two days before ICLW when I found out the uterine rupture, which was the result of my daughter's placenta attaching to scar tissue from a septum removal, had not healed in the way we had hoped, and plunged me back into the world of not being able to TTC once more. Before that day, DH and I had held out hope everything was healing correctly and we would be back at trying for #2 after that day. Instead of being told we were good to start trying again, I was told if I did it would have devastating consequences. I needed love and support from all of my blog friends to help get me through this rough spot, and one blog author met the other on LFCA.

Since that day, I have had an HSG performed to more fully understand the situation. DH and I have opted for surgery and are meeting with an RE on Tuesday to talk about options. We are also seeking a second opinion on surgery from an RE at the May.o Clinic in April. I have been to see the shrink a few times to talk through my feelings on being back in this situation, how it is different from the first time, how much riskier it is, and how I still absolutely want to do it.

I know what is on the line, and just how much is at stake, but friends, I am here to tell you, once you win the battle the first time, the desire to fight for another one does not diminish. I want another baby just as much as I wanted the first, and so I am willing to put my life on the line to get it. We just hope it doesn't come to that. I just need to do this one more time to provide my husband with some of the childREN he always wanted, and my daughter with at least one sibling. I feel like if I can't do that, then I have failed. So this infertile chooses to the play the hand she has been dealt.

Since the creation of this blog, I have never looked back or regretted a second of it. Is it a lot of work to upkeep two blogs and follow two sets of blogs? Not really. I follow around 85 blogs between the two of them, and most of the time manage to keep up very well. Every now and then I fall behind a bit, but I do my best to be there for each and everyone of my blog friends.

So there you have it, the purpose behind this blog tied up in a neat little package. I hope you have enjoyed your stay, and I look forward to meeting new friends as the week continues.



an insight into me said...

You've been blessed with one child, I hope your get a second and third and 4th if that is what your heart desires.


Jules said...

Popping in from IComLeavWe & now following along.

Good Luck with TTC#2.

Wishing 4 One said...

I am so happy to read about the creation of this blog. This is some tough shit we go through, no doubt. But having you and so many others online has made it that much more bearable for me anyway. I wish you the greatest success in the next steps of your journey my friend. xoxoxo

Heather said...

WOW! it is very nice to meet you...Very proud of you!

ICLW #29

Fran said...


I'll have an incredibly busy week next week so I'm wishing you all the very best for your consult on tuesday, I really hope it'll go well. Forgive me if I don't manage to post that day, know that I'm thinking of you, Fran

katery said...

congrats on baby number one, i do hope you can have another. being on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor is nothing to be ashamed of but i do understand your desire to not share it with everyone, we should probably all be seeing counselors!

Stickles McQueen said...

I love the title of your blog. I consider IF a loss of innocence too, comparable to the first time my heart was broken.

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, but I am happy to hear that you have your child and that there are glimmers of hope for your current situation.

Lots of love and luck to you.

Jennifer said...

Wow...thanks for sharing your story. I stopped by from ICLW and will can't wait to follow your blog.

ICLW #28

daega99 said...

I do hope that this leg of your journey is positive and successful!


tasivfer said...

My first ICLW, so nice to meet you! You say if you can't have another child for your husband and sibling for your daughter you'll feel like you have failed. I really hope you don't always feel like that; no one who is a failure has the strength to go through everything you have gone through! Even if you need help from others sometimes - as we all do - you sound like a hero.

Catrisha T said...

Stopping in from ICLW and I'm sticking around. Thanks for sharing your story and I can't wait to read more of it.

ICLW #33

tomi said...

*hugs* (just read your most recent entry)


subfertilefrugalista said...

Wishing you all the best as you begin this journey again.