Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Gaping Chasm

Today I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck, and I looked it. My eyes were all swollen and puffy from last night, and to make matters worse, my dog had carried an allergen in on her fur that got rubbed into my eye, which in turn made it red and angry and created what looked like a little cyst in the white of my eye. I felt and looked awesome.

I chugged ahead and went to work, once again trying to process information overload on an already taxed brain. I know what I want, but I don't know that the way to go about getting it is going to be through me. All I could think about this morning was how I was going to get what I want without making my husband feel like he was bulldozed or that I wasn't listening to him.

Then it hit me, surrogacy. I have had two very dear friends sincerely offer up their wombs, and if my options are to risk dying to bring a baby into the world, or allow my very dear friends to be on this journey with me, then I will have to seriously think about the latter. One of them is single and has never been pregnant. The day of my sono, her and I went to dinner and she offered up her womb in earnest. She told me that perhaps I was the answer to her prayers every bit as she is mine. It was a very touching evening.

So today I left work early, came home and took a nap to recover, and then when my husband got home we went out to eat. On our drive, I told him where I stood on our situation. I let him know that my first obvious desire was to carry our children, but that if it was too risky, then I wanted us to seriously consider surrogacy, but that no matter what, I wanted the decision to be ours. I want us to be united.

I guess he had a lot of time to think things over today too because what he said next made me remember that I am married to the most wonderful, loving, caring man in all the world (and the only one who can handle me). He told me that he wants second and third opinions before we do surgery. I told him that was great, and there are two centers here I want to look into. He told me not to limit myself to the city, or even this state. He told me to search the country and the world. He wants the best surgeon on this, and he wants a different answer than what we have already been given. He feels that with the science we have these days, there has to be a better option, a better surgery, and a better, safer way for us to get pregnant. He then said that he would take time off work to go wherever the surgeon was, and that we could use our timeshare to go there for a week or two if we had to.

I can't even begin to put into words what I was feeling in that moment because they were all over the place. This situation is enormous, and it is bigger than I ever thought it would be. I feel like we're heading into the major leagues. This is a fight I never in a million years thought I would be fighting. I feel like I am in the ranks of women undergoing IVF as far as wanting a pregnancy so badly, I will go to any lengths to achieve it. This is huge.

But what I am really taking away from tonight is that I have a partner by my side who is willing to do what it takes to help me build our family just one more time. That means more to me than any of this. The man downstairs who has fallen asleep in front of the TV once again is absolutely my soul mate, my eternal companion, and the best thing to ever happen to me.

Thank God for my husband. For making him just for me. For putting him on this earth just for me. God knew what he was doing when he put us together. I love him more than the air I breathe.

With that, my dear friends, I leave with a question to all of you. Do any of you know how to go about finding the best fertility specialist in the world to fix a uterine rupture? Where does one start such a search? Go.ogle? I mean, that doesn't seem like the best route, but it is a start. I am open to ideas, suggestions, and referrals.


Krystal said...

I don't know how to go about finding the greatest doctor for this situation, but I wanted to tell you that I think your husband is awesome. So few husbands would do what he's doing for you, and it's so good that you see what a great thing you have.

You guys are in my prayers!

Fran said...

My friend, I agree with you that in this difficult road, one thing we cannot do without is the partnership with DH. I am very happy that he's open to the possibility of surgery now and also happy that you thought about surrogacy (and your friend is amazing). I have no real suggestion about how you can find the best surgeon, I suppose my first step would be to talk to my RE and see. Google is not bad either as starting point, but you may want to check publications also.Love, Fran

Noelle said...

I loved this post because in it you explored so many different options and ideas, and because of that, you have hope. Surrogacy, surgery, finding experts...all of these things offer Hope to you and your husband.

Your husband sounds wonderful. He is going to be right by your side through this, and I would not be surprised if the two of you grew even closer because of this.

I think that Go.ogle isn't a bad place to start. That is where I would start. How about visiting some message boards and asking the question on there?

I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Suzanne said...

I am so happy that your DH is being so supportive. He sounds like a wonderful guy! I'm giving myself a dope slap for not thinking about surrogacy - that is a great option that you can choose if need be! Hang in there hon ... you're in my thoughts and prayers.