Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Welcome Back

Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to speak with you again...

Tonight my husband went with me to the shrink. I was bound and determined that this session would be awesome and that we would leave there happier and closer together than when we went in. Ha!

*disclaimer - My husband and I have an awesome marriage. We weren't going for marriage counseling, but rather to seek help on dealing with our current infertility situation.*

During our session I told my shrink that I was afraid that if I didn't go forward with the surgery and getting pregnant again that 10 years down the road my husband would resent me for giving up. I was further afraid that he would resent me because I am the one who doesn't work, not him.

The shrink asked what he thought about that and he said, "I think she doesn't listen to me. Ever." When she asked what he meant by that, he explained that he had already told me he didn't care if we didn't have any more children. That he feels the 40% risk of a rupture is too high for him, and that he thinks those odds are shitty. He said he wouldn't put $10 on those odds, let alone his wife's life. He would rather we not move forward and only have one child than move forward and risk losing me. He said he feels bulldozed by my decision to move forward, and like he doesn't have a say in the matter.

When she asked what I thought about that, I reiterated my fear of him resenting me. I stopped midsentence as a new though occurred to me, and then I began to cry so hard I could barely speak. It was in that moment I realized I wasn't afraid he would resent me, it was that I am afraid I will resent me.

At that moment it was like a grain of sand had fallen on top of a mountain that caused it to come crashing down. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the deluge of thoughts that went screaming through my head. All I could do was sob to the point I couldn't even take a breath.

If he doesn't want this, then it means I have to come to terms with the fact that I won't have any more children, but I want more children. I want more children so badly. I had finally gotten to the point where I was okay with moving forward, despite the risks, but now here I was facing the death of my dream all over again. Only this time, I realized I am alone in that decision, and that if things don't go well, if the risks come true, my husband will resent me. But I want another child. Just one more. If I don't have one more, then my daughter will be an only child. She won't have anyone to play board games with or play on her playground with her when her friends can't come over. There will be no riding buddy on theme park vacations. There will be no 24/7 friend under her roof.

I failed.

If I don't bring another child into this world for her and her daddy, I failed.

Oh my gosh, I am broken. I really, truly, honest to God am broken.

Who will resent me? I WILL.

I looked at my husband and collected myself enough to tell him what I had just realized. I sobbed as I told him I was sorry for making him the target of my fears. I was sorry for taking this all out on him. I realized he meant what he had been saying all along, just like he meant it when he told me he would be happy if we never had children back when we were trying for our daughter. I always thought he said that to ease my pain, and on some level he did, but he also meant it because all he wants is to be with me.

Wow. I totally did not expect that.

That was about half way into our session, so the next half was spent with me trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered dream all over again. Trying once again to come to terms with the realization that I might be done having children. Looking this ugly monster in the eyes AGAIN. My husband sat quietly by my side.

We came home, and after I had put the baby to bed, I called my parents. My mom answered the phone, so I talked to her about what had happened and how I was feeling, which made me feel horrible because she just underwent reconstructive surgery from a mastectomy and I felt the last thing she needed was my garbage. Luckily she felt the opposite.

She talked me through my feelings. She told me that DH and I need to pray about this, and that I can't discount my urge to try for another baby, but that I also can't discount my husband's feelings. In the end she told me to do the surgery, and then to do some soul searching and praying over the next few months when we aren't allowed to try for a baby anyway. We both wished that she knew what I am supposed to do. She reminded me that three people today told me I need to pray about this.

Three people? you ask.

Yes, the very sweet, thoughtful, and caring Hannah from Life Happens sent this beautiful sign to me and it arrived today, of all days.

(Sorry its so dark, but the flash drowned it out)

Just in case you can't read it, it says, "Blessings come down when prayers go up."

I had no idea how prophetic it would be until after my shrink appointment tonight. Hannah, you truly were inspired. But above that, I am so grateful to you beyond words for this precious gift. You are fighting your own, very tough battle, yet you found it in your heart to send something so sweet to me. I thought about where I would hang it, because I wanted it to be somewhere I would notice it every day. I've decided to hang it on the inside of my front door so I can see it every time I open the door, so that my guests see it every time they leave. I will always think of you when I see it and feel a fondness for you that goes beyond saying. I can't thank you enough, but thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So tonight I am trying to digest a new, but similar bitter pill. It all comes back to the same thing, and it all just plain sucks. It just added another whole new dimension to the suckiness. I just wish I knew what I am supposed to do.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

This is an incredibly tough situation, sweetie. I know that you love your DH and can see it more clearly now from his POV after that realisation in the session. But I also know how badly you want this. Your mum sounds so incredibly supportive, I am so glad you had her and that sign to give you a bit of guidance. I definitely agree that you should pray on it and give it some time.
I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. It is just so awful an heartbreaking. I know you will be Ok though. Definitely do the surgery and then think more on it in the months ahead. Hoping you guys can be united in your final decision.

Kate Austen said...

Oh heart goes out to you right now. Sometimes its no fun being a grown up and having to make tough decisions. Yes, a few days ago you were so excited about going forward with the surgery and then TTC another baby. However, you just found out your husband's view on the matter. Like your mother said, you have to honor your deep desire to have another baby, and you have to honor your husband's stand on the matter as well.

This is where prayer and meditation is key. I wish you didn't have such a tough decision to make, but keep asking for clarity. Ask God/Universe to make it "CRYSTAL CLEAR" to you what you should do. You won't be left in limbo.

Life Happens said...

I'm glad your hubby was there with you at your session. It sounds like it was a very emotional, but breakthrough session for you. I will continue to pray for you both as you continue to decide on what to do.

I'm glad you like the sign. I thought of you when I saw it. It reminds me that no matter what happens, if we continue to pray, the blessings will come.

Suzanne said...

This is a lot for you to be going through. I'm glad that your DH was with you at your therapy session and that you were able to see clearly how he feels and thinks about the situation. Therapy sessions can be very illuminating this way sometimes. I think your mother's advice is good advice. Have the surgery and take some time to think and pray. Ask God to give you a clear sign as to what you should do. He might just give it. A long time ago when I was engaged to somebody else and not sure if I should marry him, I asked God to give me a clear sign. God gave me a clear sign. The sign was no definitely not. Please don't feel like you have failed. This is beyond your control. In our situation, MFI is the main factor and my DH felt much the same way that you do now. When he told me how he felt that it was his "fault" I told him that it was something that was beyond his control, therefore I didn't blame him or hold him responsible for it. I told him that if he was cheating on me, or drinking too much, or gambling our entire income away then yes I would blame him. But how can I blame somebody for a health issue? This health issue is beyond his control, it's not a choice that he can make or not make. It would be like me or him blaming me for my depression and I can't help that. That's just a health issue too. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.