Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Emotional Tornado

The last 36 hours have been a seriously big emotional tornado. As I am new to tornado territory, so I'm not sure how they scale those things (as in Level 4, etc.), but I can tell you, it was a pretty big one. I am probably temporarily in the eye of the storm right now. I am trying to quell it by telling myself there is nothing I can do about any of it right now. I'm having an MRI done this Friday, and then I will have a consult with my new RE, and then my second opinion consult with the May.o RE in April. Until all three of those things are done, I need to just let this go. I can't make a decision until I have all of the information in my hand that the trifecta will provide me.

All of that said, I am once again thankful for my antidepressants. They are the awesomest things in the world. They don't prevent me from feeling during these rough patches, but they help me level out quicker and not sink as far when I do get caught up. Who knew something I fought so hard against would turn out to be such a blessing?

I went to the shrink today, and for the first half of my session I ranted and raved about my situation, how it wasn't fair, why God wasn't helping me, why he was placing his babies in the wombs of crack addicts and abusive people. My shrink talked me down from that ledge as best as she could, and tried to get me back on speaking terms with God. I'm closer to talking to him than I was this morning. I still want to ask him where all of this makes sense though.

The last half of the session was talking through the pros and cons of going forward with a pregnancy. Can I just say I feel like a selfish ass when people cry and tell me they don't want me to go forward with this because they don't want to lose me? My OB's eyes welled up when I told her I was going forward with it, and today my shrink cried when she told me she didn't want me to risk it. I feel so calloused when I look at the tears in their eyes and say this is what I want. I feel horrible when my eyes don't well up too.

For now, just as on my primary blog, I will not talk about any of this again until I get my MRI results back. There is just no point. I need to put all of this on the back burner and live my life right now.


Noelle said...

I definitely agree that you won't be able to fully understand what is going to happen until you do all three of those things. You are very wise to hold off on forcing yourself to come to terms with anything until you have all of your information. I pray that you will be able to live your life the next few days until you get your results, and that God will comfort you somehow. I don't know how that will be, but He knows how to do it.

I also don't understand why this is happening to you, yet crack addicts are so easily able to pop out babies. My first thoughts go to my step-sisters and step-brother who are all on drugs and they pop out kids left and right. Yet, here you are, so ready and willing to give a wonderful life to a child, and you are hitting roadblocks. I don't understand it. I do know that you will be given the answer sometime...either during your lifetime or when you go and meet God. I hope that you find your answer soon, because it sucks to have to wait to find out why something is happening.

I am praying for you Saige. Keep your head up and keep on swimming. It is hard...but you can do it.

I love you Saige!

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

I know that you need to put this aside for a little while and I don't think that is a bad thing. Just let it sit back there and maybe after awhile making a decision will be easier. You are in my thoughts, especially now when I know how bad you're hurting.
I'm sorry because I know there is not a lot I can say to help, but know you have a friend here who cares and is available when you need me.
xxx (((HUGS)))

Stefanie said...

Praying and think of you!
~Stopping by for ICLW #78

Heather said...

OH MY GOODNESS! I have said those words myself---re: why does God let "bad" mom's have babies...

it is so hard. This decision is rough.

Know you are being thought of, virtually hugged, and prayed over.

Kate said...

What an overwhelming situation to find yourself in - I agree with the decision to not talk about it until you have all of the information. From then, you can move forward. Best wishes on this journey!


Kristin said...

I'm so glad you have such a good shrink. It helps immensely to have someone to talk to.

Hoping you reach a decision you can be at peace with. {{{Hugs}}}

~ICLW #31