Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The New Regime

Today a little piece of me died. Ever since I got my first job at the age of 14 all of my earnings have been mine. Of course as I got older and got better jobs, my take home pay went from a few bucks to quite a few bucks. Long gone were the days where a check of just under $300 was a lot of money that made my eyes bug out.

I am a spender. Big time spender. If I have $5, I wonder what I can buy. Money doesn't burn holes in my pockets anymore because my pockets were burned out a long time ago.

My husband is a saver. He is so frugal sometimes it is annoying. Remember the shoes? I mean, he won't even let me go buy cheap Tera cotta pots for a project without doing price comparisons. I kid you not. The pots that cost anywhere from .89 cents to $1.30.

They say a lot of contention in marriages is caused over money, so when we got married we dodged that bullet by keeping our finances separate and dividing expenses and household chores. He paid the bills, I cleaned and cooked all while getting to spend my money however I wanted.

Then we moved to Texas and had a baby. For some reason those two things caused my spending to get out of control. Not like crazy mortgage the house out of control, but enough for me to think something had to change. The more I tried to keep things in check, the more I spent. I am a total spendaholic. Buying things gives me a thrill. Even if its a pack of cheese. Sad, I know.

Finally one day I asked Hubs to take over my finances because I obviously couldn't do it on my own. He asked for my credit cards and told me to have my paychecks deposited into our joint savings. He would take over paying my bills using my money, and giving me an allowance every week. At first I cried. I sobbed. I felt like a piece of me was dying, but I was doing this for the greater good. I don't want my daughter to learn how to spend like I do. I want her to learn to be responsible like her dad. This was the best way I could teach her that. After I had a good cry, I was ready to start our new joint system.

Today, my husband and I officially combined incomes into one bank account. It is the beginning of a new regime. I hope this works because there is no going back now! I feel like it is the most responsible thing I can do.

Luckily I bought this sweet little thing before I handed over my money. Take a gander at that! Oh yeah, that's right, I have a "hick" pool, and it sits proudly next to the dogs' pool. Jealous?

Okay, you can stop rolling on the floor laughing. Its a pool, and it feels great on a hot day. That's all I need.

DH was actually on board with this purchase, so I didn't really sneak one under the gate, but its fun to think I did.

In other fun news, I got laser hair removal today! The only downside, you need about six treatments for complete hair removal spaced at 6-8 weeks apart. In 8 weeks we will be trying to get pregnant, which means I may only get two treatments before I have to stop, but DH prepaid for six. Thankfully he bought them all on a serious deal, so it won't be a huge loss, but a bummer none the less. I just hope I see some improvement before I have to stop. I guess if we lose the rest of our money on that one it will be worth it because it means something better happened. :)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Munchkin

This is going to be a short post, as it is 12:30 a.m. once again (what is it with me at being on here at 12:30? Good grief!), but I made a promise to the ever so sweet and lovely Hannah in my last post.

Last Friday I went out to get the mail, completely oblivious to what awaited me on the other side of the little metal door. When I opened it, I saw a package inside. I figured it must be for DH, as I hadn't ordered anything. Upon inspection, I realized the package was for me, and it was from Hannah!

When I opened the envelope, I found this super adorable outfit in it for the Munchkin, along with a hand blown glass angel, and a sweet card.

I wanted to put the Munchkin in the outfit right away, but decided to wait for a full day when I had her home with me, which was this past Thursday. I totally enjoyed watching her romp around in this super cute outfit, and I thought of Hannah all day.

Thank you so much for the sweet, thoughtful gift Hannah! I enjoy it more than I can say, especially because it came from you.

I wish you all the very best on your current cycle. I pray that God blesses you with a baby. You and Steve will make fantastic parents, and I long to shower you with gifts too.

I've got my fingers crossed, and as I did for Fran, I'll braid my dog's hair if it gives you that little bit of extra luck that you need for this cycle to take. :)

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Hey friends! I can't stick around long. I've got the baby home with me for my last day off work, and she is demanding attention. We're going to head to Targae in a bit to go get some of those new pretzel M&M s.

Anyway, I have a great post coming up later tonight, but I just wanted to let everyone know I did call the doctor and left him a message. He called his assistant and she called me to schedule an appointment for Tuesday. I asked her if she thought I needed to get in to see my OB, and she said if I was bleeding a lot, then I should, but if it is just a little or only spotting, then I should be fine.

Well, true to murphey's law, the spotting and bleeding completely stopped after I made the initial phone call. Go figure.

I'll keep my appt for Tuesday just in case I need it, and I'll do half days at work until then.

I will be catching up on blogs tonight before bed. Fran I hope you have some awesome news! The dogs were braided! And Hannah, I have some pictures for you! :D


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Maybe Nothing

I'm not sure why I am even blogging about this because it is probably nothing. I guess I'm just putting it out there because I'm not sleepy yet, even though it is 12:30 a.m. again, and because it is on my mind.

I think something isn't right. It could be nothing, but I am still concerned. I had bright red blood today, and I can tell you, it isn't due to AF. No friends, she came and went last week. I am on about CD12, and am not due to ovulate for another week. On top of that, I feel pain at the top of my uterus, which is exactly where the surgery was performed. I also have cramping, but that could be caused by the blood irritating my uterus.

I called my doctor yesterday to give him a rundown of how I was feeling and asked if he thought I was ready to go back to work this Friday, which was before all of this bleeding and cramping started. It turns out he is in Orlando on vacation with his family, but this man is so devoted to his job he called me back. He was not put out at all. He's seriously a great doctor. He told me he thought I would be fine to go back to work and walked through my symptoms with me, helping me understand each one. He then told me that if anything came up, I was to call him straight away. He had already called my OB (the one who referred me to him) and told her that I am to call him first and then get into see her if anything comes up. I didn't think that would be necessary until tonight.

~~TMI Alert!~~

Before we hung up, he asked if I had been constipated (I know, chuckle away; I am). I told him not until the last day or so. He told me that is common with the type of surgery I had, and to be sure I was taking medication to help with that, so last night I took my "helper" pills. This morning it took a little effort on my part, but I finally dislodged the enemy. That is when the red bleeding began.

I have had slight spotting the last few days even without the constipation, and I will be honest, I've been concerned about it, but didn't think it was enough to call the doctor over. Then last night when I was trying to sleep, I had menstrual-like cramps, which concerned me. Then today I got the bright red blood. My first thought was to wait it out and see if it had to do with my, er, "episode", but by the time evening rolled around, there was still enough spotting to concern me. Add that to the fact that all day I have had the constant pain at the top of my uterus.

Here's the thing, my doctor is on vacation. I know he doesn't mind me calling him, but I hate to be that person, you know? I don't want to be the Nervous Nelly who calls every other day for nothing. It COULD just be from my pushing too hard, but even then, is that normal? Should that cause me to bleed 3.5 weeks post-surgery still? Maybe. But do I call my doctor again to ask him? I want to just go to my OB, but he already called her and told her I was to talk to him first before going to see her if anything came up, but I don't want to disturb him. What would you do? Would you call him, then the OB? Would you just call the OB first? Would you wait it out another day? I just don't know what to do.

I told DH about what was going on, and he thinks I should call the doctor. I probably will, but right out of the gate I feel like an idiot because I know it is probably nothing. I guess my doc needs to know though, right? I mean, what if it IS something, and what if he wants me to get in to see my OB just in case?

Fine. I'll call him in the morning. Thanks for listening and walking me through this. You gals are the best!

Monday, June 21, 2010


No, not that kind of man, but the kind where you sigh and say, "Man, that was crazy," or "Man, what a day." Do you gals every go through periods where your blogging just lags and you don't know why? I thought for sure my mojo would return in full force after the surgery, but it just hasn't. I haven't participated in ICLW for the last two months, partly because I already follow so many blogs I just don't have the time to go reading new ones on top of trying to keep up with the ones I already read. That and every time I do ICLW, I add new blogs to my reader, as if I don't already follow enough.

Right now it is 12:30 a.m., and I am a few short days away from going back to work. Somehow the past three weeks have slipped through my fingers and I haven't managed to blog anywhere near as much as I thought I would. Partly because trying to keep up with everyone has gotten to feeling overwhelming. I still need to figure out a system. Maybe I will write blog posts one night and read blogs the next. Maybe I just won't be able to do it all and need to give myself the grace to realize I can only do what I can do. Sure I want to keep up with everyone, but the bottom line is, sometimes it is just too much.


On the other hand, I know there will be a point where I get my mojo back, and I will blog my butt off. Read. Write. Comment. That day just isn't today.

I think most bloggers slow down during the summer. I know I did last year at this time. Its like we feel like because there are more hours of sunlight in the day that we need to be out enjoying them, and we do. I think blogs take a back seat a lot during these months. Then when fall rolls around, the days get shorter, and the temperatures drop, we look forward to the warmth of a computer and a good blog read.

Friends, please know that even if I don't read and comment on every single blog post, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. None of you are ever very far from my thoughts, heart, and prayers. I talk about you all often, and I have my friends thinking of and praying for you on your respective journeys. You are all a very big part of my life and I care very much for all of you. Remember, I am always thinking of you, and I mean that.

Sending you all warm wishes, loads of love, hugs, and prayers!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Knowing When Its Time

Before my surgery I knew that there would come a point where I would have an inner emotional melt down. Surgery and I don't always do well together, and at some point I get frustrated with the limitations of my healing body. When this happens, I tend to get a little depressed. Today was that day.

Last night I lay in bed as a virus ravaged my body, causing me to have one of the worst night's sleep of my life, and I contemplated asking my doctor to give me another week off work. In between wake and sleep, I practiced what I would tell my doctor to convince him I needed more time to heal, as well as how I would tell my boss I wouldn't be back in on Friday.

There is a part of me that wants that week to just lay around and do nothing or get caught up on things around the house, but there is an equal part of me that just doesn't think my body is ready to go back to work and sit in a chair for 45 hours a week. I can't go on long walks yet. I am currently walking about a quarter of what I normally do, and even that is stretching it. By the time I decide to turn around, it is because I am uncomfortable. I am not back to going grocery shopping for long periods of time. Driving is still not very comfortable, especially where the lap belt sits right across all of my incisions.

Sometime this afternoon, my emotional meltdown started (of course it could be due in part to the fact that I was sick as a dog yesterday). I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget that time was marching forward. I wanted life to just pause until I was ready to hit the play button. Who knows when that would be? It made me sick. I wasn't ready to go back to work and face the drudgery of every day again, yet I could tell if I was feeling that way about life, it was time to get back to work. If you're going to do it, you might as well do it both feet first, right?

I talked to DH and my dad and told them how I was feeling. They both agreed that the best thing for me to do is to go back to work on Friday and see how it goes. Maybe I won't even be able to make it through a full day. Maybe I will have to put in half days for the next week. But if I am fighting off the post-surgical emotional battle I knew I would, then it is time to get life back on track. That is the only way to get through this.

Sometimes the toughest situations in life are the ones you have to force yourself into doing because you know you have to, even though you don't want to. Sometimes doing what is best for yourself isn't always the easiest thing to face. The most important thing is having the strength to realize what you need to do and doing it.

Honestly, I'm kind of glad for this emotional battle because it gears me up for getting life back on track. I have a few days to rev myself up, and by the time Friday gets here, I'll be ready.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Let's Do It!

My husband rarely spends money, and when he does he has to research the crap out of it and then ruminate over it for a few weeks. When we got married he came with a nice pair of leather Oa.kley flip flops that he wore every where. When we moved to Texas and he started mowing our massive back yard filled with dog crap (insert sheepish grin here, as I am supposed to be the pooper scooper for my dogs), the shoes started to be left outside and worn less and less. Eventually they just stayed outside by the back door, only to be worn when mowing the lawn riddled with land mines.

For the last few months (read: year) all I have heard is him complain about how he used to have such nice flip flops, but that they weren't nice anymore because they had been left outside because they had dog poo on them at some point. I kept asking him if he wanted me to buy him new ones, and his answer was always no because he didn't think it was possible to find any as nice or that he would like the way he liked those ever again. *eye roll*

Two weekends before my surgery we got a baby sitter and went out for the night. We went to the outlet mall just to look around for fun when he came across a shoe store sporting many varieties of leather flip flops. He tried on a dozen or so pair, and then walked out, empty handed. It seriously annoyed me to no end because I knew it would not be the end of his lamenting the loss of his old flip flops.

To him, making a $40 purchase on flip flops is a big deal and must be thought over for weeks, if not months before purchasing. Its annoying. THEY ARE SHOES!!! Just buy the stupid things!

To finally get to the point of this story, DH told me last week that he wanted to ask me to buy something for him, but he felt that because I am a shopaholic, it was like asking an alcoholic to go to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. I told him I would love to buy something for him, and it was perfect because I would get to spend money and it was on something he needed, so he told me he had finally decided to buy flip flops, and asked if I would go get them for him.

Yesterday I went to the outlet mall after picking up the Munchkin early from daycare, and together we strolled around the mall. Okay, I didn't mean to stroll around the whole mall, but I forgot which end the shoe store was on, and upon looking at the directory, I discovered I was on the exact opposite corner. Its a talent I have apparently. Off we set, on a quest to buy flip flops for dad.

On our way around the mall, I stopped in a jewelry store to ask if my grandma's ring could even be repaired. I was told it could, and to bring it in for an estimate. I wasn't sure if I had any intention of going back there or not, but thought I would keep it in mind.

When we got to the shoe store, the shoes only came in full sizes, so DH and I guessed at what size he needed. When I got them home, he decided he needed the next bigger size, so I would have to take them back and trade them in. Yes, the wheels in my head were turning. He wanted the shoes, and I wanted my ring.

Today I dropped the Munchkin off at daycare and headed to the mall to make the great shoe exchange, with my grandma's ring securely tucked away in a box in my purse. The first place I went was the jewelry store because it was nearest the entrance I came in. I fully expected the repairs and stones to cost a few hundred dollars. I was flabbergasted when the quote came back at less than half what I had estimated. It took me a split second to decide. "Let's do it!" are the words that flew out of my mouth. Before I knew it my card had been swiped, paperwork filled out, and a receipt exchanged. My ring would be ready in a week.

I was so excited... until I walked out of the store and realized my husband would be mad I not only spent money, but so much money, and that he might further be more upset because I told him for Christmas I wanted him to repair the ring. Then I got a text from him, "What are you up to this morning?" Its like he knew I had just spent money! I texted him back, "You're going to be mad at me. Just remember how much you love me." His reply, "How much did you spend?" I called him to tell him what I had done, and that I was remorseful. I asked if he was mad and he said, "No, I'm not mad. This is something you have been wanting to do and it is special to you. You didn't just blow the money on useless crap like you usually do."

The heavens opened and the angels sang! I wasn't in trouble!

In a week's time, I will have a precious heirloom back in my possession, and I can't wait. I can't wait to see how beautiful it turns out, and then to wear it. I am even more excited that DH isn't mad at me for going ahead with it. Now I just hope that my grandma is happy with it. :)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Boring Blogger

Dear blog friends, I am sorry for being such a boring blogger lately. I just haven't had much to write about. I mean, all I do every day is lay around on my backside and heal. Boring!

Last week I was kind of crazy though and went on a cleaning rampage around my house. It needed a good, deep clean, and I took this time off as an opportunity to both clean my house and overdo it after my surgery. I'm not sure if all I have done the last 4 or so days is sleep because I'm tired from overdoing it last week, or if it is because I'm bored. Seriously though, all I want to do is sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying each and every single second of this recovery and the opportunity it has afforded me to slow down a bit. I think I will be back to work before I am really truly ready. But then again, are we ever ready? Not only that, but I know that the chances of me having time off like this from work again are not very likely. Next time I have uterine surgery, it had better be to deliver a full-term baby! Even then, I won't be lounging around with nothing to do but sleep. So, as I said, I am enjoying it.

I actually have a few things I could and should still be working on while I have so much free time, like the curtains I have been trying to put together for the last few months. But for some reason, I lack the motivation to do that right now. I still have another week before going back to work, and I know that if I tell myself now I will get them done by the end of this week, they will get done, so that will be my goal -- to get the curtains done by the end of the week.

When I went home to see my parents last month, my dad gave me a bunch of my grandma's old jewelry that his sisters didn't want. Upon looking through it, I noticed a common theme: it was all broken. My dad offered it to my sister first, as she makes jewelry for a living, but she declined, so I took it and told my dad I would repurpose it myself. In that bag of beat down necklaces, I found a ring. I pulled it out and tried it on. It was broken and the stones had been removed. My dad told me it was my grandma's engagement ring. I was gobsmacked, why hadn't his sisters wanted that? It is easy enough to fix. Who cares why they didn't? I was all over taking it off their hands.

I plan on taking my grandma's ring to a couple of jewelers tomorrow to get estimates on how much it will cost to repair it. I can't afford to have diamonds set back in it, but my grandparents lived near a mountain that has abundant topaz. They used to go out there and mine topaz just for fun. I decided that clear topaz is just as pretty as diamonds, and it has meaning to me, especially for the ring, because of it's history with my grandparents.

The thought of having that ring repaired is so exciting to me. I have told DH that that is what I want for Christmas. Depending on how much it will cost to repair it, I might tell him I want it for our anniversary instead.

In closing I wanted to point out that I changed my profile picture for something a little cuter. I can tell you, that is pretty much how I feel these days. Speaking of which, its bed time, so I'm outta here.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Living In The Moment

Living in the moment has not always been easy for me, as I am sure is the case with most people. When I was younger, I had a hard time giving up the past. I didn't want to grow up when I was a child, and became depressed when I went into middle school because I wasn't ready to be an adult. Sometime after I graduated from high school, I was constantly living in the future, wishing my life away. I was always trying to get to the better things in life that were just around the bend. I couldn't wait to graduate from college, start a professional job, get married, start a family, get through each month of treatments to see if I would get a BFP, get through each week of pregnancy so that I was that much more pregnant, start trying for another baby, passing a year without being able to try, and getting my surgery over with.

Over the past 16 months though, I have really started to learn how to live in the moment. For the first time, I want each moment to pause, to last a little bit longer so I can savor it, hold it in my hand, and cherish it.

When my daughter was born and I went through PPD, I had the hardest time with each second that passed. Every minute that went by was painful. I was so afraid that if I went to sleep, I would wake up the next morning, and my daughter would be 16. I was honest to God afraid that would happen. That I would miss her entire life in the blink of an eye. As a result, I couldn't and wouldn't sleep, which made the PPD worse. The inability to sleep due to excessive worry is apparently one of the big signs of PPD.

I was caught between feeling each moment painfully pass by and the strong, painful desire to be pregnant again. I couldn't have both. Either I wanted time to stand still, or I wanted it to pass in the blink of an eye. Which was it? That just made everything even harder.

After I finally sought help for my PPD, I started to learn to live in the moment, while being able to be appreciative of my past and hopeful for my future. I didn't want to wish away one second of the Munchkin's life, which meant I had to realize that eventually the future would be on my doorstep, and I would be pregnant with a sibling (so I hope) soon enough. In the meantime, I enjoyed being with the baby I fought so hard to bring into this world. I cherish each and every second I am with her. I do wish time would slow down so this could last a little bit longer, but that is okay because I am living in the present.

The only part of my life that I wish away anymore is when I'm at work (let's be honest, who doesn't?), but it is only because I want to get to the good part of my day -- being with my family.

Life is for living, and we can't do that if we can't let go of the past and if we can't focus on anything but the future. It is okay reminisce about the old days, and it is okay to be excited and hopeful for the future, as long as we remember to live in the moment.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Updates Galore

Okay, so there aren't that many updates, but there are a couple. First up, I went and saw my RE today for my post surgery follow-up. It was an awesome appointment, and one that left me giddy all day. For those awesome details, visit this post.

Thank you to everyone for your advice on the FB ordeal. It was really fun to read all of your responses. I got a good chuckle out of it. In the end, I went ahead and friended her. Like most of you suggested, I will probably unfriend her later. *evil laugh* She can snoop, see how fantastic my life is, and then be done. I mean, I kind of enjoyed doing the same with her. I can say, she has apparently turned into quite the artist. I wish I was able to express my creativity with paint the way she does. I'm quite envious. I am also a little surprised that she isn't married. When I knew her previously she was slightly overweight, but she was still an above average looking girl. Now she is quite pretty and thin. Maybe I'll send her a message and say hello again. Like you all said, I have no idea what was going on in her life a couple of years ago, and maybe seeing my life was a sore spot for her. She probably saw me happy and married, all the while ignorant to what my life really was, as I was in the thick of infertility treatments. The grass is always greener, eh?

As for my BIL, we haven't been in contact since before the Munchkin's birthday in February. She did call my husband a couple of weeks ago and ripped him a new one about the fact that her dad had more pictures than I ever gave her, and that he had recent ones. Had I known she was yelling at him about that, I would have taken the phone and given her Cain for it. I still stand firm, if she wants to be a part of my family, she needs to apologize and be sincere about it, not call and rip my husband a new one for things that go on between her and I.

I did ask DH after that phone call if he wanted me to send her pictures and cards. He told me that if he thought she needed those things, he would send them, so the fact that he hadn't meant he agreed with me. That made me feel better. Since his grandpa died, he has been sticking up for his mom a bit more, so I wanted to make sure it was okay if I kept my end of the deal with her.

Anyway, I have much better things going on in my life, and I am really focused on them and moving forward. I have a great idea for a post, and I am excited to write it up after this one. :D

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Ahhh, Facebook

All right girls, I need some catty advice.

How is that for a juicy intro? lol

Back when I was a sophomore in college I played trumpet with this other gal, we'll call her Sandy. I never really had feelings either way for her, but if asked, I would say I liked her all right. She was definitely a superior trumpet player, and I respected her skill with the brass. However, when it came to guys, I was definitely the superior player.

At one point or another, we both liked the same guy, but not at the same time, mind you. I let her crush run its course, and then I briefly tried my hand, and I do mean briefly. Partly because my attention span was so fickle when it came to guys. If things didn't move fast enough for me, I was on to the next crush within weeks. I didn't waste time on a lost cause. ;) I think part of that side of me bothered her too. I dated a lot, and she didn't date much at all.

Regardless, I never had a beef with her.

A couple years back, another trumpetess friend of ours, whom I still remain in contact with to this day, told me she had found Sandy on MySpace and suggested I add her as a friend, so I did. I went out and found her and wrote her an email, asking her what she had been up to, commented on her pictures, and told her a wee bit about where my life had gone since we last saw each other.

She never replied, and she never accepted my friend request.

"Maybe she never got on MS," you say. Well, if you have been on MS, you know that it lets the world know the last time you logged on.

She logged on almost daily.

She was choosing to ignore me.

Months went by, and I finally revoked my request. I really didn't care. Obviously I had done something, unbeknownst to me, in our past that made her dislike me and not want to be in touch with me. No biggie.

Well, a couple of weeks ago while I was at work, I got a friend request from her on FB. When I saw it, I sat back and chuckled. Seriously? Why did she want to be my friend now? Why had she ignored me a couple of years back when I wrote her that nice email?

I IMed one of my best friends, gave her the back story, and promptly told her I had no intention of "friending" Sandy. J told me that is exactly what she would do too. Let her hang out there without a reply. So I did.

Then tonight I was on FB and saw her request again while approving another friend. I told DH about it, and that I had no intention of accepting her request. He told me to stop being a b**** and approve her, that two wrongs didn't make a right (no, but two lefts do!).

So I am going to ask all of you, if you were in this position, would you approve her request, or would you feel like letting her hang out there until she revokes the request? Decisions, decisions....

Monday, June 7, 2010

My Friend

I would post about this on my primary blog, but as with most things on this blog, I don't want people IRL reading it. This time it is not about me, but one of my best friends. She has entrusted me with a secret, and she doesn't want people to know just yet what is going on. I do want to talk about it, especially in this community, but I need to do so in such a way that no one in our real lives will find it, figure out who I am talking about, and ask her about it.

One of my very dear best friends has recently been diagnosed with MFI. She kind of knew things were up last year when she went of BCP and TTC for a few months with no success. Of course, knowing an infertile always strikes fear in those who are just starting to try and go even 3 months without a BFP. So one day she texted me and asked for the name of my doctor. My heart fell. To be honest, I knew she would have trouble TTC from the moment I met her. (Remember how Ross said I have a bit of a gift myself? I always knew I did, even before he said that.) I had hoped my intuition was wrong, but it wasn't.

That night I went over to her house, ready to let her know what she could expect and to give her a bit of insight into the hell she was walking into. She was instantly on information overload, as we all are when we first embark on this hellish journey. I told her that I was always here for her, and if she ever felt like her head was spinning, to let me know. Ever since then, I have been on her journey with her.

It is so bitter sweet. It is so hard to watch someone I care so very much about go through what I did, knowing full well the repercussions it CAN have on a person's life. But I found comfort in that like me, she is a very positive person, and she refused to let this defeat her. It is sweet because I can be here for and with her every step of the way. She isn't alone like I was. I know it helps her a great deal. I am so glad that everything I went through can now help me help someone I love.

As soon as they were given a diagnosis of MFI, I gave her a copy of Con.cieve magazine that I had picked up while waiting for my sonohystrogram back in February. In it there was an article about IVF clinics around the world that provided services in better clinics than in the US and for a lot less money. One clinic it cited is in Turkey. The package includes the procedure, accommodations, transportation, and medication for $8k. All you have to pay for additionally is airline tickets and food. When DH and I read that, we decided we would go that route if we ever had to do IVF, so we took the magazine. But once my friend said she was looking into IVF, I gave her the magazine.

Their flight is booked for July 10th.

I am so incredibly excited for her. I am so glad I am able to be here for her, to cheer her on, and to make sure she doesn't lose hope.

One night we went on a walk, and I told her about how Ross said I had a gift. She said she knew I did. I told her that I had a really good feeling this IVF was going to work for her. I said I knew it from the moment I gave her the magazine. She said she felt it too. We both cried and hugged for a bit.

Please God, let my intuition be right this time too. My friend will make an awesome mother, and her husband will make an incredible father. You put these two fantastic people on earth to bless the lives of everyone they touch. Help them continue that blessing by providing them with children, children they will raise to be just as wonderful, caring, and compassionate as they are.

I know we all have many women in our lives in this same situation who need our prayers, but if you could, please remember my dear friend in them.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Part 3 - The Letter

~-~The Letter~-~

Dear MIL,

Ever since before I met you, I have wanted to tell you what has been on my mind about my husband's past, his childhood, and the role you played in it.

You constantly tell me that you were a good mother, and that you don't know why your son dislikes you so much. You wonder why he doesn't send you cards or call for your birthday or mother's day. You don't understand why he wants nothing to do with you. Well today, I am going to tell you.

I want to start out by saying that a good mother is not someone who willingly buys her underage children booze, porn, cigarettes, or lets their girlfriend sleep over while lying to her parents. If you think that is what constitutes a good mother, it is no wonder you think you earned that badge. But that is not, by any stretch of the imagination, what makes a mother good.

You taught your son very early on what it is to be abandoned. To be left behind for a selfish life. That your own happiness meant more to you than he did. You did not show him what love was. Instead, you taught him how to close himself off emotionally. For that, I thank you. Why do I thank you? Because I am now tasked with trying to break down an incredibly thick and tall wall to access my husband's feelings and emotions. He is apathetic about most things in this life, and I am paying the price for your lack of mothering. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him genuinely happy: our wedding day and the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital. The rest of the time, he is so reserved, it makes you wonder if he cares about much in life outside of me and his baby.

You taught him that he should eat his meals as quickly as possible without taking a single sip of water by bringing his abusive step-dad into the picture, who beat the shit out of him if he didn't eat his meals fast enough. The same man who made him eat his own vomit when he ate too fast. You stood by and did nothing. You taught him you didn't care. Is that what makes a good mother to you? Does providing him with condoms in high school make up for that? Is that seriously what you think? What part of that is what a good parent would do?

You were not the one who taught him how to be responsible with money. In fact, you did the opposite when you robbed his piggy bank to feed your pot addiction. You were not the one who taught him to be an upstanding citizen, your mother did. You were not the one who taught him how to be a man, your mother did. You did nothing for him except give him life, and not a very good one at that.

A good mother leads by example. She teaches her children how to grow up with dignity and respect. She teaches them manners, and how to be responsible in money, relationships, and life. A good mother protects her children at all costs. She puts her children's needs before her own. A good mother is nurturing and compassionate.

So please, stop telling me you were a good mother, because the next time you do, I am going to send this letter to you. I will have you read every word in hopes that you can reflect back on what a "good" mother you were and apologize to your son AND me. I want you to see the damage you have done to him emotionally and the toll that takes on me as his wife. I pray it doesn't take a toll on our children, but it will. And we have you and your wonderful mothering skills to thank for that.

You make me angry. You make me seethe the way no one else can. You made this bed, and now you must lie in it.

In closing, I would like to ask that you please not call my husband and shout at him for things that have gone on between you and I again. The last time you called him to yell that I had sent pictures of the baby to everyone but you made me really angry. Especially considering in our last communication I told you I was done, and that I would not be sending you any more pictures or updates. That I would not inform you the next time we got pregnant, or anything about any future grandchildren unless you pulled your head out and made some very sincere apologies. If you have a beef with me, CALL ME. WE will hash it out, not you and my husband. You have already done enough to him.

As always, I wish you all the best in what is left of your life.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Part 2 - My Husband is Born

~-~My Husband's life~-~

My husband was born to a very young mother who lived a hippy lifestyle to the max. I am sure she was there at Wo.odstock smoking doobies with the best of them when she met his dad, whom she married only to piss off her dad. She had been born into a life that gave her the opportunity to become whatever she wanted. They had wealth. Instead, she chose to skip school and party, scraping by a meager living. Then she gave birth to my husband. She had no idea what it meant to be a mother.

When my husband was about 2, his dad left the picture for good. Because my MIL had never bothered to make anything of herself, she could not raise my husband alone. A couple of years later, she dropped him on his grandparent's doorstep and left the picture to pursue a selfish life of pot and booze. This was the only good thing she ever really did for him.

Over the next few years, his grandma taught him to be responsible in all things. She taught him how to be a man, took him to swim lessons, and took care of him the way a mother should.

Then one day his mother decided she was ready to take him back when she shacked up with an extremely abusive man. Together, they eeked out a living, and she gave birth to my husband's half brother. For the next 8 years of his life, his step father beat the ever living shit out of him, while his mother stood by and did nothing.

When he was 13 years old, his step-dad left the picture, and left behind his bastard son, whom my husband had learned to loathe over the years. He then went into a lifestyle that would befit someone with his background, he became a hooligan who thought it was fun to be chased by cops, blow up frogs, and all sorts of other stupid things.

Then one day, he decided he didn't want that life. He wanted the kind where he would get married, have a family, be prosperous, and happy. He determined he wanted to be nothing like his mother. If she drank, he didn't want anything to do with it. If she smoked, he steered clear. If she liked sports, he hated them. Anything but to be like her.

His childhood was nothing like mine. Yet somehow, by the grace of God, he turned into a very fine, upstanding man who is well respected. He is an amazing father, and he loves his daughter so much. I can't imagine he has ever felt such love in his life for anything. It is incredible to look at his past and see who he has become. So very different from the path his mother set him on.

He too, is a phoenix.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Part 1 - I Am Born

As you all know, I like to do series posts on this blog. Today while I was cleaning my kitchen, I thought of some things I would like to say to a certain person in my life, but I figure before I can get that out, I need to give some background. So today is part 1 of a 3-part series.

~-~My Life~-~

Growing up, I had the perfect childhood. I lived in a family that loved the Lord, was close knit, full of love, respect, was well-off financially, and all of those other good things. My parents made sure us kids never did without. The girls had dance and piano lessons, and the boys were in little league. We all had more toys than we ever knew what to do with. If we wanted our own pet, we pretty much had it. I had a dog, my sister had a cat, I had fish out the wazoo. My parents took great pride in their children and being part of our lives. Now that I am a mother, I understand just how much my parents loved me. I thought I knew how deep their love was before, but now I realize I had no idea.

My dad and I have always been very close. We have so much in common. We both love dogs, which no one else in our family shares the way we do. When I was in middle school, I wanted a 10-gallon fish tank, so I bought one. My dad and I spent the next several years maintaining and upgrading it together. It was filled with all kinds of crazy fish, newts, frogs, crabs, etc, but the best part was how much it brought us together, and how much fun we had with it.

When I started the 7th grade, I got to pick between being in band or choir. I wanted to be in the band so I could play trumpet like my dad and his dad. Over the next 10 years, my dad nurtured my talent. He was so proud of me, and I gave him every reason to be proud.

My parents taught me how to be responsible, to have dignity and respect. They led by example.

I grew up very close to all of my siblings, but especially my little brother. We have always said we should have been twins, even though we were born four years apart. We are two evil peas in an evil pod. Where one of us went, the other was never far behind. I always told him he was my favorite gift from God, the best thing my parents ever gave me, and that God knew what he was doing when he put us together.

My family was the family everyone always dreams of being part of. Sure we had our crazy moments, our fights, our drama, and everything else that every other family has, but we always had love, and loads of it. I always look back on my childhood fondly. I was raised right by parents who loved their children more than anything. I have learned how to be an awesome mother by the lessons my parents taught me as they parented me over the years. They are awesome parents, and I hope that my children look back on their childhoods as fondly as I do mine. I hope they tell me one day, "I hope I am as good of a mother as you are," because that is what I tell my parents.

My family life has made my life a great life, and I am thankful.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

1 for 1

I have something really cool to tell all of you gals. Ross was right!

My doctor came in to see me the morning after my surgery and the first comment out of his mouth was that the surgery was a little more complicated than he anticipated. I couldn't help but smile. I asked him what "complicated" meant, but my husband interjected with another question at the same time, so it never got addressed. Never fear though, I have a follow-up appointment next Thursday in which I will ask all the questions I need answered.

He did, however, say that everything else looked great. As an infertility doctor, he went ahead and checked out all of the things infertility doctors do anytime they are in the uterus, meaning he checked the ovaries and the tubes along with the ability for fluid to flow through the tubes. It was a relief. I am just so glad to have this behind me.

As for now, I am just convalescing at home and enjoying every minute of it so far. I am sure the loving it bit could change in the next couple days when my cabin fever sets in, but for now, it is just nice to have a break from life. I can't go anywhere or do anything except relax and take it easy. It ain't so bad!

Now, I am finally, FINALLY off to catch up with everyone! Loads of love!