Saturday, June 5, 2010

Part 3 - The Letter

~-~The Letter~-~

Dear MIL,

Ever since before I met you, I have wanted to tell you what has been on my mind about my husband's past, his childhood, and the role you played in it.

You constantly tell me that you were a good mother, and that you don't know why your son dislikes you so much. You wonder why he doesn't send you cards or call for your birthday or mother's day. You don't understand why he wants nothing to do with you. Well today, I am going to tell you.

I want to start out by saying that a good mother is not someone who willingly buys her underage children booze, porn, cigarettes, or lets their girlfriend sleep over while lying to her parents. If you think that is what constitutes a good mother, it is no wonder you think you earned that badge. But that is not, by any stretch of the imagination, what makes a mother good.

You taught your son very early on what it is to be abandoned. To be left behind for a selfish life. That your own happiness meant more to you than he did. You did not show him what love was. Instead, you taught him how to close himself off emotionally. For that, I thank you. Why do I thank you? Because I am now tasked with trying to break down an incredibly thick and tall wall to access my husband's feelings and emotions. He is apathetic about most things in this life, and I am paying the price for your lack of mothering. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him genuinely happy: our wedding day and the day we brought our daughter home from the hospital. The rest of the time, he is so reserved, it makes you wonder if he cares about much in life outside of me and his baby.

You taught him that he should eat his meals as quickly as possible without taking a single sip of water by bringing his abusive step-dad into the picture, who beat the shit out of him if he didn't eat his meals fast enough. The same man who made him eat his own vomit when he ate too fast. You stood by and did nothing. You taught him you didn't care. Is that what makes a good mother to you? Does providing him with condoms in high school make up for that? Is that seriously what you think? What part of that is what a good parent would do?

You were not the one who taught him how to be responsible with money. In fact, you did the opposite when you robbed his piggy bank to feed your pot addiction. You were not the one who taught him to be an upstanding citizen, your mother did. You were not the one who taught him how to be a man, your mother did. You did nothing for him except give him life, and not a very good one at that.

A good mother leads by example. She teaches her children how to grow up with dignity and respect. She teaches them manners, and how to be responsible in money, relationships, and life. A good mother protects her children at all costs. She puts her children's needs before her own. A good mother is nurturing and compassionate.

So please, stop telling me you were a good mother, because the next time you do, I am going to send this letter to you. I will have you read every word in hopes that you can reflect back on what a "good" mother you were and apologize to your son AND me. I want you to see the damage you have done to him emotionally and the toll that takes on me as his wife. I pray it doesn't take a toll on our children, but it will. And we have you and your wonderful mothering skills to thank for that.

You make me angry. You make me seethe the way no one else can. You made this bed, and now you must lie in it.

In closing, I would like to ask that you please not call my husband and shout at him for things that have gone on between you and I again. The last time you called him to yell that I had sent pictures of the baby to everyone but you made me really angry. Especially considering in our last communication I told you I was done, and that I would not be sending you any more pictures or updates. That I would not inform you the next time we got pregnant, or anything about any future grandchildren unless you pulled your head out and made some very sincere apologies. If you have a beef with me, CALL ME. WE will hash it out, not you and my husband. You have already done enough to him.

As always, I wish you all the best in what is left of your life.


S.I.F. said...

This sounds sickeningly familiar. How do these people have children?

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

WOW! She is definitely not a good parent. I'm so sad for your DH. Well written and interesting though!

Potters said...

Well said friend, well said. It takes a lot more than giving birth to a child to be a good mother.

Suzanne said...

Oh my I am speechless, just speechless. His step-dad made your DH eat his own vomit when he ate too fast?!! That is so disgusting!!! I am so sorry that your DH had to endure that abuse. I can see why he doesn't want to have anything to do with his mother. What a horrible awful situation!!!

Cherish This Life! said...

LOVE this letter. I don't think you could have said it better. I need to work on a letter like this for my MIL too, it's amazing what damage parents can do. So sad.

Life Happens said...

I think you should send it to her anyway! Why wait? I know, why open a can of worms now if she's not mingling in your life...or is she? If she is, send her the letter!