Before my surgery I knew that there would come a point where I would have an inner emotional melt down. Surgery and I don't always do well together, and at some point I get frustrated with the limitations of my healing body. When this happens, I tend to get a little depressed. Today was that day.
Last night I lay in bed as a virus ravaged my body, causing me to have one of the worst night's sleep of my life, and I contemplated asking my doctor to give me another week off work. In between wake and sleep, I practiced what I would tell my doctor to convince him I needed more time to heal, as well as how I would tell my boss I wouldn't be back in on Friday.
There is a part of me that wants that week to just lay around and do nothing or get caught up on things around the house, but there is an equal part of me that just doesn't think my body is ready to go back to work and sit in a chair for 45 hours a week. I can't go on long walks yet. I am currently walking about a quarter of what I normally do, and even that is stretching it. By the time I decide to turn around, it is because I am uncomfortable. I am not back to going grocery shopping for long periods of time. Driving is still not very comfortable, especially where the lap belt sits right across all of my incisions.
Sometime this afternoon, my emotional meltdown started (of course it could be due in part to the fact that I was sick as a dog yesterday). I wanted to curl up in a ball and forget that time was marching forward. I wanted life to just pause until I was ready to hit the play button. Who knows when that would be? It made me sick. I wasn't ready to go back to work and face the drudgery of every day again, yet I could tell if I was feeling that way about life, it was time to get back to work. If you're going to do it, you might as well do it both feet first, right?
I talked to DH and my dad and told them how I was feeling. They both agreed that the best thing for me to do is to go back to work on Friday and see how it goes. Maybe I won't even be able to make it through a full day. Maybe I will have to put in half days for the next week. But if I am fighting off the post-surgical emotional battle I knew I would, then it is time to get life back on track. That is the only way to get through this.
Sometimes the toughest situations in life are the ones you have to force yourself into doing because you know you have to, even though you don't want to. Sometimes doing what is best for yourself isn't always the easiest thing to face. The most important thing is having the strength to realize what you need to do and doing it.
Honestly, I'm kind of glad for this emotional battle because it gears me up for getting life back on track. I have a few days to rev myself up, and by the time Friday gets here, I'll be ready.