Friday, June 11, 2010

Living In The Moment

Living in the moment has not always been easy for me, as I am sure is the case with most people. When I was younger, I had a hard time giving up the past. I didn't want to grow up when I was a child, and became depressed when I went into middle school because I wasn't ready to be an adult. Sometime after I graduated from high school, I was constantly living in the future, wishing my life away. I was always trying to get to the better things in life that were just around the bend. I couldn't wait to graduate from college, start a professional job, get married, start a family, get through each month of treatments to see if I would get a BFP, get through each week of pregnancy so that I was that much more pregnant, start trying for another baby, passing a year without being able to try, and getting my surgery over with.

Over the past 16 months though, I have really started to learn how to live in the moment. For the first time, I want each moment to pause, to last a little bit longer so I can savor it, hold it in my hand, and cherish it.

When my daughter was born and I went through PPD, I had the hardest time with each second that passed. Every minute that went by was painful. I was so afraid that if I went to sleep, I would wake up the next morning, and my daughter would be 16. I was honest to God afraid that would happen. That I would miss her entire life in the blink of an eye. As a result, I couldn't and wouldn't sleep, which made the PPD worse. The inability to sleep due to excessive worry is apparently one of the big signs of PPD.

I was caught between feeling each moment painfully pass by and the strong, painful desire to be pregnant again. I couldn't have both. Either I wanted time to stand still, or I wanted it to pass in the blink of an eye. Which was it? That just made everything even harder.

After I finally sought help for my PPD, I started to learn to live in the moment, while being able to be appreciative of my past and hopeful for my future. I didn't want to wish away one second of the Munchkin's life, which meant I had to realize that eventually the future would be on my doorstep, and I would be pregnant with a sibling (so I hope) soon enough. In the meantime, I enjoyed being with the baby I fought so hard to bring into this world. I cherish each and every second I am with her. I do wish time would slow down so this could last a little bit longer, but that is okay because I am living in the present.

The only part of my life that I wish away anymore is when I'm at work (let's be honest, who doesn't?), but it is only because I want to get to the good part of my day -- being with my family.

Life is for living, and we can't do that if we can't let go of the past and if we can't focus on anything but the future. It is okay reminisce about the old days, and it is okay to be excited and hopeful for the future, as long as we remember to live in the moment.


Noelle said...

I have spent my whole life wishing it away as well...I am always wanting the next step and I am never just happy in the moment. I so want that to change.

Suzanne said...

I am glad that you have learned to live in the moment - I am still trying to master that skill. I tend to brood too much about the past and focus and fret too much about the future. One of the things that I absolutely love about dogs is their ability to live in the moment. I know that this sounds strange to say, but I wish that I could be more like a dog in that respect.

Life Happens said...

It's okay to glance back, but Life is about looking ahead.

I'm glad that you are living in the moment and enjoying your life with your family.

Cherish This Life! said...

LOVE this post, it really made me think. Living in the moment and letting the moment happen without trying to control it all is really something I struggle with. It's a constant struggle for me but definitely one that I think is worth it, I want to love right now, not worry about later!