Thursday, January 27, 2011

It Might Be Time

I have been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of months, and I think it might be time to close down this blog. But before you think that means I will be gone, guess again. I still have my primary blog, and I have slowly been moving my following of your blogs over to my list on the primary blog, which can be found here.

When I first started writing this blog, it had a purpose, and that was to help me deal with my PPD. I needed somewhere to talk about what I was going through without everyone in my real life knowing I was struggling. It was a private battle, and I didn't want my coworkers to know I was on antidepressants and seeing a shrink to work through my PTSD from infertility. More than that though, I didn't want my mother-in-law to know because she has a way of sending emails that she claims are meant to be innocent, but that are just plain cruel. I didn't need any of her negative energy weighing in on what I was already going through. I didn't want her telling me it was my own fault or that I was damaging my baby because of it somehow. I needed a place to talk about these things where no one knew who I was. A place where I felt safe. And I found that with this blog.

I have been AWOL from this blog so much lately, and I finally realized why last night. My mind is being completely occupied by what is going on my life right now that I just can't or sometimes don't want to find the time to sit down to blog. Not only that, but most of the time I can't think of things to write about. Add to that we are back into doing treatments to have another baby. The latter really negates the purpose of this blog, in my opinion.

My life has moved on from trying to deal with past issues back into trying to deal with current issues, which includes seeing an RE on specific cycle days every month and wearing estrogen patches. It could turn back into full blown treatments for us again. God only knows.

I am sorry that neglecting to write in this blog meant not keeping up with my reading and commenting on your blogs. I think I got everyone added to the list on my primary one tonight though, so if you see a new follower in your ranks, that's me. :)

I hope you will all continue with me on my journey to building a family. I know some of you have said you liked this blog better, but all of the things that made this one great are moving to the other one. I find that right now I need to consolidate and simplify my life as much as possible to make room for the chaos that is being reintroduced by treatments.

I will keep this blog up for a while until I decide if I want to shut it down completely or not. Until then, you know where to find me.

Much love!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Two Parts

There are two parts to me who seem to constantly be doing battle in my head. Neither one wins more often than the other. Part of me apparently loves to feel guilty, while the other part of me wants to quit feeling guilty and enjoy life.

Life has just been crazy for me lately what with trying to control my head from being all over the place. I think about so many things that nothing ever gets done right. Actually, all I really think about is one thing: having another baby. And the rest of my life takes a back seat, which makes me feel GUILTY.

In my shrink session a few weeks ago, I was talking about how this whole TTC thing needed to take the back seat. It was becoming too all-consuming and other aspects of my life were suffering because of it. Even my work has been suffering, and noticeably so. My shrink asked how my relationship with my daughter was, and I started to cry as I admitted it wasn't where I wanted it to be.

Don't get me wrong, we have a great relationship. She wants to be with me all of the time. I just feel like I don't spend enough quality time with her. I liked to think that taking her shopping with me was spending time with her, and it is, but it isn't quality time. I'm not 100% focused on her. In fact, I have to remind myself to make eye contact with her and play with her as I peruse the isles so that she isn't just along for the ride. When I get home at night, I need to make more of an effort to sit down and play with her, read to her, go outside with her. It doesn't matter how tired I am at the end of the work day, this child is the most precious thing in my life, and one day she will be grown. I don't want to look back on these days of her life and regret that I was so focused on having another baby that I didn't spend enough quality time with the one I had.

Not only that, but if we do have another baby, her days as an only child are limited. The days where my focus is solely devoted to one child are limited. I need to cherish them and make the most of them. Not tell myself I am too tired to play Legos with her and I will do it tomorrow.

The guilt part of me needs to give way to the content part of me again. I need to take action so I can stop feeling guilty. Stop thinking and start acting.

My shrink recommended I buy a set of toys that I keep set aside for special play time with mom. She told me to buy a basket and gave me some recommendations for toys to put in it, along with reasons for those specific recommendations. She said that I should take just 15 minutes each day to play with those toys however my daughter wanted. I was not allowed to guide the play time, but to take my daughter's lead. I have kind of done that. I haven't bought the special toys, but I have decided that if she comes over and tells me to come on while grabbing my finger, I am to get up and go with her because there is nothing I could be doing that is more important than being with her.

20 years from now, I don't want to be able to relate to the song "Cat's in the Cradle."