Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Two Parts

There are two parts to me who seem to constantly be doing battle in my head. Neither one wins more often than the other. Part of me apparently loves to feel guilty, while the other part of me wants to quit feeling guilty and enjoy life.

Life has just been crazy for me lately what with trying to control my head from being all over the place. I think about so many things that nothing ever gets done right. Actually, all I really think about is one thing: having another baby. And the rest of my life takes a back seat, which makes me feel GUILTY.

In my shrink session a few weeks ago, I was talking about how this whole TTC thing needed to take the back seat. It was becoming too all-consuming and other aspects of my life were suffering because of it. Even my work has been suffering, and noticeably so. My shrink asked how my relationship with my daughter was, and I started to cry as I admitted it wasn't where I wanted it to be.

Don't get me wrong, we have a great relationship. She wants to be with me all of the time. I just feel like I don't spend enough quality time with her. I liked to think that taking her shopping with me was spending time with her, and it is, but it isn't quality time. I'm not 100% focused on her. In fact, I have to remind myself to make eye contact with her and play with her as I peruse the isles so that she isn't just along for the ride. When I get home at night, I need to make more of an effort to sit down and play with her, read to her, go outside with her. It doesn't matter how tired I am at the end of the work day, this child is the most precious thing in my life, and one day she will be grown. I don't want to look back on these days of her life and regret that I was so focused on having another baby that I didn't spend enough quality time with the one I had.

Not only that, but if we do have another baby, her days as an only child are limited. The days where my focus is solely devoted to one child are limited. I need to cherish them and make the most of them. Not tell myself I am too tired to play Legos with her and I will do it tomorrow.

The guilt part of me needs to give way to the content part of me again. I need to take action so I can stop feeling guilty. Stop thinking and start acting.

My shrink recommended I buy a set of toys that I keep set aside for special play time with mom. She told me to buy a basket and gave me some recommendations for toys to put in it, along with reasons for those specific recommendations. She said that I should take just 15 minutes each day to play with those toys however my daughter wanted. I was not allowed to guide the play time, but to take my daughter's lead. I have kind of done that. I haven't bought the special toys, but I have decided that if she comes over and tells me to come on while grabbing my finger, I am to get up and go with her because there is nothing I could be doing that is more important than being with her.

20 years from now, I don't want to be able to relate to the song "Cat's in the Cradle."


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Great post I have definitely felt like this before! I did exactly what your shrink suggested too, there are certain things I do play wise with dd that dh doesn't. You are trying your best don't feel too guilty!

Noelle said...

I can so easily see how all of this can happen. Trying to conceive is so all-consuming, and I envy the people who don't even have to think about it.

I have been learning that being a mom comes with feeling a lot of guilt. I think it is great that you are vowing to spend more quality time with your child. I definitely think that should be your number one goal. But please don't be too hard on yourself about it. You are going through treatments, right? (I don't remember if you are doing Clomid or not). I do know that you had your surgery and did TONS of preparation in order to get pregnant again. So I think that it is going to almost be impossible to get it to totally take a back seat.

Do the best that you can, and keep reminding yourself about how precious your baby is. But also know that you are a very good mommy, and you are just trying to do your best.

Leah said...

I've heard the song Cats in the Cradle a hundred times and somehow never listened to the words. The other day the song came out when I was at work, and I listened to them for the first time ever, and wow! They are sad!!! I guarantee, that will never be you. But I won't preach to you, because I struggle with the same guilt/give myself a break daily.


Life Happens said...

I think all mom's have those guilty feelings at time. Life just gets in the way and we forget to focus on what's important. I know you adore your daughter. I like the shrink's idea of having special toys and mommy/daughter time.

I'm sure your daughter knows she is loved and the sacrifices you guys make for her. Throw the guilt out the window!

Jennifer said...

I can't speak from experience, but I would imagine many moms feel like this. TTC becomes all consuming...and it is exhausting, physically and mentally draining as well as just downright depressing sometimes. I can easily see how you would be exhausted when you get home. I think it's great that you are doing something though.
Praying that 2011 is a great year for you and yours.


Potters said...

Your srink did have a good idea on the basket of special toys. I need to try that one. I recently talked to a friend that is having problems getting pregnant again after loosing a baby at the half way point. She told me that she ended up going to the bishop and talking to him about her sorrows and was looking for advice. He told her to stop trying. He first thought was ok now I need BC but as they talked more he told her to just take a break, not try and not prevent. He told her to take a deep breath and to try to focus on figuring out again who she is. I wonder some times if we need to push pause on some goals in order to fullfill others?

Fran said...

Sweetie, hope all is well, you haven't posted in a while. Know you are in my thoughts! Fran