Grownup

I just wrote up a whole post about how I haven't been blogging due to lack of time, complete with apology for not being caught up on all of yours. But you know what? I think we're all sick of those posts from me. Let's talk about something fun instead.

I have asked this question to many of my friends lately because I am curious as to their responses. Here is the question:

Is being an adult anything like you thought it would be?

The answer for me is absolutely not.

It is a million times better.

I always thought that when I grew up, and especially when I became a mom, that the fun part of me would die. I would have to be responsible, and being responsible meant that I wouldn't be silly anymore. That I would have to be serious all of the time. I was afraid my sense of humor would be stiffled and I would end up being a disciplinarian like my mother.

It wasn't until I became a mother that this thought really started occurring to me. It was because I was having so much fun with my daughter. I was enjoying buying her toys as much as I would have enjoyed getting them as a kid. Even better, I was loving the fact that I could sit on the floor and play with them with her without it being found "creepy" that I was playing with children's toys.

Before I became a mother (and even after), I lived up my adult life the way I always wanted to when I was a kid. It still tickles me pink that I can buy as much gum and candy as I want. I can go wherever I want whenever I want and buy whatever I want. The child inside me is living through my adult self. That is literally how I feel. I feel like I am getting away with things. And how cool is it when I travel the world? How awesome is it to go away on a trip with my husband? Even better, how awesome is it to be a mom and take my child on trips?!

I feel like the child inside of me is constantly bouncing up and down with glee at the freedom of being an adult. That child was made even happier with the addition of my daughter because now she has a playmate.

Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those parents who is more concerned with being my child's friend than being a parent. There are still rules, and discipline is handed down when necessary. I am still a mom, and I take that role very seriously. It is my responsibility to ensure my children grow up to be decent, caring, compassionate, contributing members of society, and that cannot be done if I am too busy being the friend and not the parent. It's just that I really enjoy being silly with my daughter.

I realized after some pondering that the reason I thought being an adult would mean being stodgy is because that is how I view my mother. So of course I would think that my role model mother is how being an adult and parent would be. Man am I glad it isn't! I enjoy life so much! I ended up being so little like my mother and more like my dad who has always been a kid at heart too.

Even more to my delight, being in the workforce isn't as stodgy as I thought it would be either. I always figured that being a professional in a professional job would be all seriousness, memos, boringness, and business suits. Again, I love that it is completely different. The people I work with are every bit as much kids at heart as I am. We love jokes and pranks and dirty jokes. We enjoy going to lunch together and laughing till our cheeks hurt. Our faces light up when we see candy and we eat it like it's going out of style. We get giddy at the sight of donuts. It is actually fun. Work isn't the seriousness and dullness I thought it would be. It is almost the exact opposite.

I bought a magnet last week that said, "If you didn't know how old you were, how old would you be?" My answer is 22. How old are you?

The Hardest Part

I always know that within about 7-10 days of dropping down another 5mg on my antidepressants that I will have withdrawal symptoms. Its like clockwork. Who knew that going off such a simple medication could be so difficult and take so long?

I always know that within 7-10 days I will start to get agitated, maybe a little depressed and hopeless. I know my patience will be thin. I also know that as my body adjusts to making up for what the medication isn't doing anymore, it will get better and I will be back to my old self again soon. It just really sucks during those few days while my brain figures it all out.

Friday morning I read that the oldest Du.ggar boy is expecting his second child. I was so angry. "Of course they're pregnant again! Why wouldn't they be? They're Super Fertile! I bet they tried once and she got knocked up. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long." I tried to calm myself down. I don't know why I was getting so worked up in the first place.

At lunch I told my friend J about it, and I felt like I was ready to pop my top. I was so angry. EVERYONE is pregnant right now. EVERYONE... except me. Of course. Of course I have to fight with everything I have to get pregnant again. Of course I have to spend crap tons of money on surgeries, doctor appointments, tests, OPKs, and everything else you can think of to be a mother. While some people look into their lover's eyes and get pregnant in that star twinkle moment.

Then I laughed.

I am just finishing a visit from AF (which has already lasted NINE DAYS, mind you [going on TEN tomorrow]). Isn't PMS supposed to happen BEFORE Af visits?

Then it hit me.

I dropped my dose a week ago.

Suck.

I am going to be like this for about another week while I adjust. I don't like this stage. I don't like being angry. I don't like feeling this way. And unfortunately, there isn't anything I can do about it but wait it out. I can recognize why I feel this way, and that is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't restore my patience, and it doesn't mend my angry heart when I think about the fact that I'm not pregnant yet. It doesn't help keep me from feeling bitter and resentful.

This is really the only time I can't handle the fact that I am not pregnant yet, when I'm going through withdrawals. You wouldn't think 5mg would make that much of a difference, but it really does. It almost makes me spiral downward in every aspect too. I'm angry and bitter that I'm not pregnant, which knocks my patience levels down a few notches, which makes me angry that I have no patience, which knocks my patience level down a few more notches, and on and on it goes. Down, down, down.

I snap at the stupidest things. Things that I normally wouldn't even think twice about. I just feel discontented and angry.

But, I know it will pass. I know that by this time next week, I'll be back on the upswing of things. Back to where I should be. Full of hope and brimming with patience. I just need to get through the next couple of days.

Thank heaven I only have to go through withdrawals three more times before I am free. I just pray that I don't get PPD again because this has been really difficult. Hopefully next time will be different. Sometimes, heredity sucks.

Awww Crap!

Friends, I am so majorly behind on blogs. Time and life have gotten away from me. I fully intend to catch up with everyone over this weekend. Please know I haven't forgotten about any of you, or my own blog, for that matter. I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm coming back. I promise.

SORRY I've been missing so much!