I always know that within about 7-10 days of dropping down another 5mg on my antidepressants that I will have withdrawal symptoms. Its like clockwork. Who knew that going off such a simple medication could be so difficult and take so long?
I always know that within 7-10 days I will start to get agitated, maybe a little depressed and hopeless. I know my patience will be thin. I also know that as my body adjusts to making up for what the medication isn't doing anymore, it will get better and I will be back to my old self again soon. It just really sucks during those few days while my brain figures it all out.
Friday morning I read that the oldest Du.ggar boy is expecting his second child. I was so angry. "Of course they're pregnant again! Why wouldn't they be? They're Super Fertile! I bet they tried once and she got knocked up. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long." I tried to calm myself down. I don't know why I was getting so worked up in the first place.
At lunch I told my friend J about it, and I felt like I was ready to pop my top. I was so angry. EVERYONE is pregnant right now. EVERYONE... except me. Of course. Of course I have to fight with everything I have to get pregnant again. Of course I have to spend crap tons of money on surgeries, doctor appointments, tests, OPKs, and everything else you can think of to be a mother. While some people look into their lover's eyes and get pregnant in that star twinkle moment.
Then I laughed.
I am just finishing a visit from AF (which has already lasted NINE DAYS, mind you [going on TEN tomorrow]). Isn't PMS supposed to happen BEFORE Af visits?
Then it hit me.
I dropped my dose a week ago.
I am going to be like this for about another week while I adjust. I don't like this stage. I don't like being angry. I don't like feeling this way. And unfortunately, there isn't anything I can do about it but wait it out. I can recognize why I feel this way, and that is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't restore my patience, and it doesn't mend my angry heart when I think about the fact that I'm not pregnant yet. It doesn't help keep me from feeling bitter and resentful.
This is really the only time I can't handle the fact that I am not pregnant yet, when I'm going through withdrawals. You wouldn't think 5mg would make that much of a difference, but it really does. It almost makes me spiral downward in every aspect too. I'm angry and bitter that I'm not pregnant, which knocks my patience levels down a few notches, which makes me angry that I have no patience, which knocks my patience level down a few more notches, and on and on it goes. Down, down, down.
I snap at the stupidest things. Things that I normally wouldn't even think twice about. I just feel discontented and angry.
But, I know it will pass. I know that by this time next week, I'll be back on the upswing of things. Back to where I should be. Full of hope and brimming with patience. I just need to get through the next couple of days.
Thank heaven I only have to go through withdrawals three more times before I am free. I just pray that I don't get PPD again because this has been really difficult. Hopefully next time will be different. Sometimes, heredity sucks.