Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Hardest Part

I always know that within about 7-10 days of dropping down another 5mg on my antidepressants that I will have withdrawal symptoms. Its like clockwork. Who knew that going off such a simple medication could be so difficult and take so long?

I always know that within 7-10 days I will start to get agitated, maybe a little depressed and hopeless. I know my patience will be thin. I also know that as my body adjusts to making up for what the medication isn't doing anymore, it will get better and I will be back to my old self again soon. It just really sucks during those few days while my brain figures it all out.

Friday morning I read that the oldest Du.ggar boy is expecting his second child. I was so angry. "Of course they're pregnant again! Why wouldn't they be? They're Super Fertile! I bet they tried once and she got knocked up. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long." I tried to calm myself down. I don't know why I was getting so worked up in the first place.

At lunch I told my friend J about it, and I felt like I was ready to pop my top. I was so angry. EVERYONE is pregnant right now. EVERYONE... except me. Of course. Of course I have to fight with everything I have to get pregnant again. Of course I have to spend crap tons of money on surgeries, doctor appointments, tests, OPKs, and everything else you can think of to be a mother. While some people look into their lover's eyes and get pregnant in that star twinkle moment.

Then I laughed.

I am just finishing a visit from AF (which has already lasted NINE DAYS, mind you [going on TEN tomorrow]). Isn't PMS supposed to happen BEFORE Af visits?

Then it hit me.

I dropped my dose a week ago.


I am going to be like this for about another week while I adjust. I don't like this stage. I don't like being angry. I don't like feeling this way. And unfortunately, there isn't anything I can do about it but wait it out. I can recognize why I feel this way, and that is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't restore my patience, and it doesn't mend my angry heart when I think about the fact that I'm not pregnant yet. It doesn't help keep me from feeling bitter and resentful.

This is really the only time I can't handle the fact that I am not pregnant yet, when I'm going through withdrawals. You wouldn't think 5mg would make that much of a difference, but it really does. It almost makes me spiral downward in every aspect too. I'm angry and bitter that I'm not pregnant, which knocks my patience levels down a few notches, which makes me angry that I have no patience, which knocks my patience level down a few more notches, and on and on it goes. Down, down, down.

I snap at the stupidest things. Things that I normally wouldn't even think twice about. I just feel discontented and angry.

But, I know it will pass. I know that by this time next week, I'll be back on the upswing of things. Back to where I should be. Full of hope and brimming with patience. I just need to get through the next couple of days.

Thank heaven I only have to go through withdrawals three more times before I am free. I just pray that I don't get PPD again because this has been really difficult. Hopefully next time will be different. Sometimes, heredity sucks.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey babe,
I understand how difficult that stage must be. A 9-day AF would bum me out even if I wasn't TTC! Yes it can seem incredibly unfair sometimes, especially when you're spending money you barely have. But I know when you finally get pregnant everything will make sense. Nice to see 2 posts from you in 2 days!

Potters said...

I'm sorry. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave around to make things better for you. Just hang in there. You're a fighter and will male it through this.

Leah said...

Just wanted you to know I think about you and hope you are doing well and that everything will work out for you soon.

I also read about the Dugg.ars. Thought the same thing you did, OF COURSE they are pregnant. What I didn't realize until I read on is that before this pregnancy, they suffered a miscarriage. It's weird, cause even the people who seem like they have everything going for them are having their ups and downs as well.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

Life Happens said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I hope and pray that the changes in your meds will not be too hard on you physically and emotionally.

Kathleen said...

ugh! those dug.gard make me mad! come on, save some for the rest of us, huh? i'm sorry you are anxious and struggling when coming down from your meds. i really get frustrated and angry about all those dang pregnant people too.

oh, and suck is one of my most favorite words! Suck ass being my favorite useage and when i'm angry at someone, i like to say, 'suck it!' ah... makes me feel better just by typing it.

Cherish This Life! said...

I couldn't help but laugh because I too had the same reaction to hearing the news about the Duggars newest baby. I think they can look at each other and end up pregnant. It's just not fair, I want some of those genes!

I'm sorry the adjustment is so hard, it's added stress that you just don't need but I hope your body adjusts quickly. Praying for your girl, you are in my thoughts daily - LOVE YA!

Lindsay Logic said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down! I hope you will be over the worst of it and be able to enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday with the people you love.

Suzanne said...

I know how difficult it can be to go off medication and I understand what you're going through. Be gentle with yourself. Give your body time to adjust. You are such a strong and brave woman, I know that you will make it through this. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving :)