Friday, December 3, 2010

Babies, Babies everywhere...

... but it's still an empty womb for me.

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to decide what to do with this blog. Tonight, I got an answer I never expected. When I first started blogging, I had no idea really what it would become. All I knew was that I was going through infertility alone, but I knew I wasn't the only woman struggling with it. My mission then was two fold: find others who were fighting the same battle I was, and help anyone else going through what I was any way I could. My blog was and still is open to everyone. Over the years I've passed out the URL to friends, family, and coworkers because when I moved away from my home state, it also turned into a way for everyone back home to keep up on the going's on in my life. So it then served a third purpose. I then did something I wish I hadn't, but won't change now; I made my blog part of my Fa.cebook page. In doing so, I gave access to it to everyone who was on my friend list, and let's face it, we all have "friends" on FB that we really aren't friends with. For me it was that girl from high school with whom I was always competing in band over who was the better trumpet player. She now has access to my blog simply because she was ballsy enough to friend me on FB after all these years, and I am a big advocate for let bygones be bygones.

But tonight I am struggling with something I don't want all of my real life world to know. I am struggling with the fact that my period decided to show up three days early. Okay, it's not full on bleeding, but it's spotting, and that is the pregnancy death sentence in my world. Implantation bleeding does not happen to me. So spotting + cramps = BFN. That's not the part I don't want to share. I don't want everyone out there to know that right now, in this moment, I am so incredibly bitter. I am angry. I am so hurt. I hate this stupid broken scarred uterus of mine, and right now all I want to do is punch the daylights out of it. I want to snuff the life out of that stupid glimmer of hope that keeps nagging me in the back of my mind. Right now, I just want to wallow.

Yes, this is very unlike me, and part of it could be attributed to my stepping down another 5 mg on my antidepressants. I usually time the step down better so that it doesn't coincide with this time of the month for this very reason. However, I shouldn't be experiencing withdrawal symptoms yet.

Normally this situation would happen and I would take an hour or two to feel sad, and then I would let in all of those hopeful, positive thoughts. "We'll try again next month." "You're not really bleeding yet, maybe, just maybe it is implantation bleeding. I mean, your uterus has been really easily irritated since the surgery and spotting isn't uncommon from the slightest things. It really could be implantation bleeding. The fat lady hasn't sung yet." "I know it will work eventually."

Tonight, my bitter infertile knocked all of those hopeful thoughts down into the dust and proceeded to pummel them. "Sure we'll try again next month... and the next, and the next, and the next..." "It isn't implantation bleeding. You're an idiot. It didn't work." "Get the hint, you're broken."

I just want to break down and cry.

Then I think of all of the time I am wasting by focusing on any of this at all. How much I am missing of my daughter because I am too busy entertaining any of these thoughts in the first place. Tonight when I put her to bed, she giggled and wanted to play games, but all I could do was give her a half smile, tell her I loved her, and kiss her goodnight. I felt even more horrible in that moment, if that was possible.

I want to give her a sibling so badly. I am afraid I won't be able to. What kind of toll is my fight going to have on her if I can't let it go?

Tonight when my husband got home, for whatever reason, he decided not to be nice, despite the fact that we had been emailing back and forth all day and I had told him I had officially declared war on this day because of the way it started out (a story for another day). This was before I started spotting and before the spotting increased and went from brown to red. So when he was rude, I politely told him I didn't need that right now. Then I let him in to what I was feeling. I started to cry. He just sat there, focused on what he was doing, and ignored me. Ouch. Take three hits, one for him, one for me, and one for our relationship.

I realize he is tired of this. But guess what? So am I! He is my companion. I need him to support me every devastating month whether he is sick of it or not. This whole fight hurts me. And when he shuts me out like that, I feel so alone. I grieve alone. The best part is, he tried to go about the rest of the night like nothing had happened, which made it all worse. It makes me feel like he is saying my feelings are not justified, yet he has gone through this whole fight with me. They damn well are justified! It's not like I'm Anna Du.ggar crying because I didn't get pregnant within the first three months of trying. I have a history of infertility, severe endometriosis, PCOS, and now have a very scarred uterus. There is plenty of reason for me to worry about my ability to conceive.

Right now, I really hate that voice that says, "well at least you have your daughter." I am so grateful for my daughter, and having her definitely helps make these moments easier to bear. But right now, my hurt is so raw. It is yet another reminder that I am still broken. Always broken. A tourniquet can only do so much to stop blood gushing from a wound.

Yes, I know I will get back on my feet sooner than later. I will shortly be back to my optimistic, happy self, ready to take on the next month. I will chart out a new diet that will help with conception, get my fertility monitor ready, and all that jazz. But right now, I just want to wallow in my pity and grief. I want to wrap it around me like a blanket, and then roll around in it like mud. I want to feel it with my finger tips and inhale it's bitter scent. Because if I don't do this, I can't move forward. I need to not bottle it up. I need to feel it and let it out.

Infertility really sucks. Being an infertile sucks even more. But fear sucks even more than that.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

I am sorry you are feeling so down. You might be right, implantation bleeding doesn't happen to everyone. It must have made you feel so awful that your husband didn't support you when you really needed it. I am so glad you have decided to keep this blog going. Even if you post infrequently it is great to have an outlet that you can put all your feelings into, especially those you don't wish to share.
Take care of you and remember your inner optimist is right. This will happen for you, probably someday soon.

Kathleen said...

oh i so know those feelings you are having. and its ok to want to wallow and wail for a while. its necessary in fact. and yes, you'll pick yourself back up and put on your happy face when you're ready, but each month is a loss and you need to grieve. sorry dh wasn't very understanding last night. thinking of you and i LOVE your last line. fear does suck even more.

Life Happens said...

I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug!!

Yes, you have a beautiful daughter, but it doesn't take away the raw pain of infertility. I know you adore your daughter and want to give her a sibling, and while it seems like your body is failing you right now, don't give up. Keep your head high and keep counting your blessings. Especially when you look at that precious daughter and realize the journey it took to get her here. It was all worth it. And your current journey will be worth it too. ((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry sweetie, I wish I was there so I could hug you. I can really relate to the moment with the Hubby. It seems like the times that we really need that moment of support they fall short. It's hard not to let it bring you down. But you are doing the right thing by letting yourself be down - just like you said, it has to come out and not be bottled up. I'm praying for you so hard, you have been on my mind so much this week. Love you girl. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help - I'm just a call/text/email/msg away if you need someone to listen!

Jill said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way tonight. I wish I could give you a big hug and cry with you! Take care of yourself.

Suzanne said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I understand all too well how you feel. It is okay to wallow and feel those emotions - like my acupuncturist would say "better out than in" meaning that it is far better and healthier for you to express your feelings. As far as your DH is concerned, unfortunately I have had my share of moments like that with my DH as well. Infertility is so hard on a relationship sometimes. When I've asked DH why he seems to be pulling away and/or not expressing his feelings and emotions he just says that he wants to go on with his life like nothing is happening and he doesn't want infertility to "beat" him. But men can't possibly understand how infertility affects women. It directly affects our bodies and we can't just distance ourselves from that. I hope that he is more supportive soon. I hope that you feel much better soon. A great big giant HUGS to you!!!