Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Burnout

For those of you whom followed me over here from my primary blog, I need to issue a disclaimer here. This blog is my outlet for everything emotional that isn't sunshine and lollipops. This is where I put all of the feelings out there that I don't want exposed to my family, IRL friends, and potentially coworkers.

One of my best friends, JM, has taught me so much about how life really isn't all black and white. Things I thought were crystal clear before I met her all of a sudden became foggy after we became friends. I always value a different perspective on life, and actively seek it out. We are so different in so many ways, and it is those differences that draw me to her.

A while back when I was last really upset with Crazy Dog Lady, I went through what JM called, "emotional withdrawal." She explained that it is like a hangover after an emotional bender. I woke up two days after my encounter with the crazy woman feeling completely drained and somewhat depressed. Had I not had JM around that day, I would have thought I was bipolar.

The reason I bring that up is because I am on a huge emotional withdrawal right now. After my big, exciting news on Friday, I feel like I have kind of gone off the deep end. It has nothing to do with Friday, per se, but more that I am realizing my life over the last two months has caught up with me.

You see, since February 19th, the day of the fated ultrasound that sent my life in a tailspin, I have been going full steam. I have been throwing as much coal onto the fire as I possibly could. Not just with the rupture, but with everything in my life. Around that same time, a massive project at work picked up, and since then I have been pulled in a million different directions trying to write manuals, update procedures, go on installations, and try to keep the peace between some seriously stressed out coworkers. All the while I didn't realize I was barely keeping my own head above water. I was hanging on for dear life while trying to rescue everyone around me from drowning too.

My husband's grandpa died last night. He was a very great man who loved my husband dearly. My MIL (aka BIL) dropped my husband on her parent's doorstep to be raised for about 4 years of his life while she gallivanted off to smoke pot and drink like a fish. While I disrespect her lack of motherly skills, I can't help but give her credit for unknowingly doing the best thing she could have ever done for my husband. He spent the most vulnerable years of his life where who he would grow up to be was shaped. Because of it, he turned out to be nothing like his mother, and is a very great man himself. Unlike his mother, he values his family, never drank, never smoked, and never got into real trouble. As you can tell, the passing of his grandpa is more than a big deal. DH is handling it in a way I never expected. He hasn't cried, and he seems to not care. On the surface. I know how he is handling it though, and I would rather he cry.

Add to that, the Munchkin really started to pick up a vocabulary over the weekend. At first we were so proud and amazed. Now all she says is, "MINE!" to EVERYTHING and threw tantrums left and right all night long when she didn't get what she thought should be hers. She threw even bigger tantrums when what she thought was hers, like dinner, wasn't delivered fast enough. I love my child more than the air I breathe, but tonight, I didn't have the fight left in me.

What I am getting at is that I am completely and totally burned out with life right now. The coal for my fire is all but gone. I have switched to auto pilot and am wondering how much is just enough to get by. I feel horrible writing this, but I am also burned out on blogging. I have been for over a week now. I keep wondering if there is anyway I can take a break without feeling guilty that I might miss a pregnancy announcement, miss some big news that needs cheering on, miss the opportunity to provide love and support to a struggling blogger. So I keep going. Just like I do with work. Just like I am doing with my home life right now. I am just plain burned out.

Right now, I feel nothing. Not happiness, not despair, not hope, just nothing. I just am, because right now that is all I have left to give. Nothing.

It is here I write what I wish I wasn't going to, but I have to take a break from blogging for a while. I will check in on everyone when I can at work, but I am not going to pressure myself to do so right now. I need to get some life back in me, and I can't do that without taking some time out to focus on me. I promise I will be back. I just don't know when. I hope you all understand. I apologize up front if I miss some big news. Know that I am always thinking about and praying for all of you.

Sending all my love.

4 comments:

Mrs Bee said...

sending big hugs your way my love.

Take all the time you need...we will be here waiting when you get back!

If you need to chat, you have my email.

Love lots.
xoxo

S.I.F. said...

Oh chelle! You need a breather. Some air. Maybe a massage?

I'm so sorry, but you will get through this part!

Heather said...

Deep breaths. Take some time off. Mourn.

We'll all still be cheering you on...whenever.

Because nothing is black and white.

Potters said...

You need to take time for yourself. I am sorry you have had so much stress and trails hitting you at once. I know you are a strong person and you will get your feet back on the ground and under you. Take life one step at a time and only worry about what is going on with you and your family. The Lord has already felt and suffered for everyone's pain and suffering so don't try to take it on. Keep your chin up. You're in my prayers.