I Should Learn

I should learn to dread fall, rather than be excited for it. I should learn that the cooler temperatures and the changing colors of the leaves signals ominous times ahead. Why, you ask? Well, let me lay it out for you:

• My first dog died the day of Thanksgiving when I was 8 years old.
• My next dog died the day after Thanksgiving when I was 22.
• My next dog died 5 years ago today, on October 5th, less than a month after I got married.
• Yesterday, my dad had to put down my 14-year-old cat.

It seems that my animals like to go within a day of each other, only years apart. It further seems that they all like to go in the fall.

I blogged about the loss of my cat on my other blog. In it I talked about the time we shared together that spanned 14 years, yet felt all to brief. My cat was the most amazingly wonderful, lovey cat ever, and it has been so hard for me to let him go, even though he hasn't lived with me for the last 5 years. He has been living with my parents in the only home he has ever known.

Since this blog is all about expressing my feelings, I need to get some of my thoughts and emotions out about losing my "Mowie".

I was on the phone with my dad while the vet put my cat down. I got to tell him goodbye and that I loved him before he passed on. I sobbed like my heart was being rent in two, because it felt like it was. Shortly after my cat had died, I went home from work for the day. I was completely useless to anyone there afterward.

Usually when I get home, Sadie is always at the front door to great me. Maggie hangs back and waits for a bit before coming forward for some hello loves. But yesterday, as soon as I opened the door, Maggie was pushing her way in front of Sadie to get to me. Tears were streaming down my face, and I let the loud sobs come at will. I threw down all of my belongings and sat down on the floor where Mags curled up in my lap and whined gently with me.

I sat there for a long time, just letting the tears and the pain flow before I was overcome with the desire to find pictures of my Mowie to scan for the blog so I could write up a tribute. Even though I was already exhausted from my crying, I had to see pictures of my kitty.

As I sat there, looking at each photo, I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that I couldn't simply reach into the picture and pet his soft head, stroke his soft paw, or hear him purr. I would never cuddle him again.

After I had pulled a handful of pictures to scan, I decided I needed a nap. I had a headache from all of the crying, and I was exhausted. I fell into the most fitful sleep I have had in a long time. I woke violently constantly. I would have dreams I was falling, or that terrible things were happening to me.

When I did finally get up from my nap, I kept looking to my dresser where the ashes of my last dog are contained in a box. I kept expecting to see my cat's ashes there next to hers already, and I kept expecting to see a light next to it, like a lamp shining down on the two of them, but there is no lamp on the dresser. There never has been. It was like I could not form coherent thoughts through my grief.

The grief seemed to come at me in waves. One moment I would be fine, and the next I would just start sobbing unexpectedly. Shortly after my husband and daughter got home, we finished eating dinner and the tears started to gently roll down my cheeks. I looked over at my daughter, and I have never seen such a sad expression on her face before. She looked at me with concern as she said, "What's wrong?" My 20-month-old daughter was concerned for me and honestly asked me what was wrong. Not even just once, but multiple times. It looks like she will have my empathy. God bless her heart.

After dinner I forced myself to go on a walk. I didn't want to take the dogs, but I did because Mags had not left my side all day, and she deserved to enjoy a walk after keeping such a watchful eye on me. I walked so fast. Like I was trying to run away from something. I walked hard, as if I was determined to leave it behind me. But all along the walking trail, my grief stayed right by my side while my daughter kept calling, "Kitty, where are you?" She did that randomly, and on her own. That's right sweetie, "Kitty, where are you?"

That night I thought for sure I would fall easily to sleep, so for the first time in over a year, I didn't bother taking my melatonin. It was also the first night I was stepping down the dose of my antidepressants by another 5mg. I went to bed and read Twilight, while trying to temporarily take my mind off my grief once again. After one chapter, I decided to get some sleep. Usually I turn on the TV for a bit, and then set it on sleep mode so it will turn itself off after 20 minutes. But last night when I turned the light out after putting my book down, I sat in the cold, dark silence of my room with Mags snuggled up to me and the only sound being the sweet chirping of crickets. I didn't want to disturb the peace. I thought for sure I would drift off easily to sleep.

At 1:00, two hours after I had stopped reading my book, I was still wide awake, tossing and turning. I haven't had trouble falling asleep for years. Why now? What this night? I was exhausted. My head ached from all my crying. I just wanted to sleep. It eluded me and left me to my sadness. Finally I turned on the TV and set it to turn off in 20 minutes. Shortly after it turned off, I started to doze. As I did, I noticed tears were collecting in my eyes on their own.

I miss my kitty.

I love you puddlepuss.