I'm Trying

Have you ever in a Bitter Infertile moment just wanted to pee on every OPK and pregnancy test in your cupboard? It's like your way of giving the universe and your fertility the bird for gifting you with a visit from AF, instead of with a BFP. Well, I did, so I did. Except I only peed on 9 OPKs and no pregnancy tests.

You know what? It felt good to waste those buggars. Partly because they were in a 20-pack and I am pretty dang sure it was a bum pack, as I never got a positive test and I know I ovulated, but also because I have always wanted to do that out of anger and frustration for another failed cycle.

I did learn one thing from this past cycle, never waste your money on name brand OPKs. I have used name brand OPKs twice (not the same brand, mind you) and had horrible results with both. Neither of them worked. But those store-brand cheapies have never failed me. Not once.

If you read my other blog, you know that this past cycle was crazy and all over the place. I spotted at 5dpo, but the bitter, resentful infertile in me kept my feet on the ground and went straight for the worst possible scenario: it must be low progesterone. Crap.

Now, I am normally a very positive person, but when it comes to my fertility, that is where my exception lies, and it is simply because it feels like anything that can go wrong with me there, does. I realize this next statement sounds bitter, but I mean it in the most positive way possible. I am grateful that my infertility has robbed me of hope when it comes to getting pregnant because I never get my hopes up only to have them dashed when AF shows up.

So when I got my spotting, my first thought was low progesterone. For a fleeting and very brief moment, I thought it could be implantation bleeding, but that thought was snuffed ASAP. The spotting stopped completely by the next day... but the day after that, it was back. And so it went until two days before AF was due, spotting one day and not the next. Then two days before AF, it decided not to stop.

I ended up going into my OB trying to get some answers. She ran a bunch of blood work that all came back negative (AKA - BFN) or normal, and did a pap along with an internal exam. We're going to do a sono in a couple of weeks just to rule out fibroids.

It amazes me that no matter how "okay" I feel about things before AF shows, I am so bitter and hurt when she actually does. I go into each month thinking it doesn't matter if it doesn't work this time. When I'm in the TWW, I don't get my hopes up because I just can't. But somehow, when AF knocks on my door, I can't stand seeing pregnant women for the next couple of days. I can't handle pregnancy announcements. I flinch at all things pregnancy-related. I change TV shows off that have pregnant women in them.

It only lasts for a couple of days, and then I am back to myself. Happy for those who are expecting, excited for those who just got BFPs, unphased by anything pregnancy-related, and not even taking note of pregnant women on TV.

Those bitter feelings always catch me completely off guard. I didn't feel them in the moments when I just knew I wasn't pregnant, but as soon as my thoughts are confirmed, I turn into Dr. Je.kyl. Like a werewolf at a full moon. I would try to fight them, but why? They are natural, and they need to run their course. Not only that, but I know if I just let them come, I will be fine in a day or so.

I know that no matter how long it takes, I will have at least one more baby. That is where I find my comfort when I lose a cycle. It is only a matter of time before I get a BFP. Until then, I am sticking to store-brand OPKs and enjoying my laugh at peeing on 9 FR OPKs at once.