Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Self Preservation

A day or so before I went to see the Shrink, I was working through the thoughts in my head around trying for another baby. It feels as though I change my mind every 5 minutes.

My husband just got offered a new job over the weekend, and the potential is amazing. It makes a great deal of money and comes with some great perks. In addition to that, we have been working very diligently the last few months to get out of unnecessary debt, which will all be gone by Christmas. We have a time share that we bought on our second wedding anniversary that allows us to travel anywhere in the world. We've been married for 5 years now and have only used it once: to go to Cayman when I was 5 months pregnant.

With the end of our debt in view and his amazing new position, we were talking the other day about being able to actually use our timeshare. We will be able to afford to both financially and in paid time away from work. This then led me into a discussion, more with myself than my husband, about do we really want to try for another baby right now with this new option available to us? I mean, we have adapted well to being a family of three, and there is very little we want to do that we can't because we have a baby. Sure we don't want to take long 8-hour flights to Europe with a baby, but we can certainly handle a flight that is only a few hours to luxurious beach.

Add to that, Saturday night I took the Munchkin to a Pumpkin Patch with one of my best friends and her two little boys. My daughter was very well-behaved at the PP, but at dinner afterward, she was getting out her excess energy before bedtime, and I was constantly trying to keep up with her to keep her from making messes, throwing things, grabbing things she shouldn't, etc. On the drive home after dinner, I took a deep breath and exhaled as I thought, "Can I even handle more?" I seriously considered keeping us a family of three, but guilt instantly took over. Like that deep down, I have hurt and betrayed someone guilt. I said out loud, "Fine! I'll have more, but you have to make them come easier than this!"

As I thought more about my waffling, I realized I am in self-preservation mode. If I say I don't want any more, then I take the stress and the demand off of myself. I don't have to care if I don't get pregnant every month because I don't really want anymore anyway, right?


Of course I want more! I want more more than anything!

In talking my feelings over with my husband he tells me his answer will never change: it is all up to me. He wants more, but he doesn't want more at the expense of what I want or don't want. If I can't handle going through the heartbreak of trying again and all of the stress and trauma it brings into my life, then he is okay with what we have. If I want more more than anything, he will be here to do his part. Above all, he will be here to support me no matter what I decide.

At the end of the conversation I told him that it didn't matter what I said from one minute to the next because we both knew I wanted more. He agreed. I also said that we had to try every month no matter how I felt about things that month because I didn't want to get 6 months down the road and regret that we hadn't been trying. He agreed. I'm not getting any younger, I have endo AND PCOS, and if I don't take the chance every month, I could regret it because the choice could be taken from me again. He decided not to answer to that one -- self preservation on his part.

The bottom line is, we will keep trying no matter what. In the meantime, I will keep seeing the Shrink and doing what I can to help make it happen.


S.I.F. said...

I've been doing this too lady. With this next (and likely final) cycle coming up, I've been trying so hard to remind myself of all the things I love about my single and unattached life. All the things that would change if I got pregnant. All the things I would be giving up.

I've been trying to remind myself that life will go on and I will be fine if it doesn't work.

But the truth is, I can't talk myself out of wanting a baby. No matter how hard I try.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

These are completely normal feelings and I agree you're better off trying every month rather than regretting it. In our 2 year journey I had to take several cycles off for different reasons and those just broke me. Yes, it will be more work with two-but you will be fine. You can do this!!

Kathleen said...

totally understand self preservation! even in the midst of an IVF cycle, i still think to myself, do i really want this? life is good right now... our minds protect us from the hurt easily. :-)

Cherish This Life! said...

I love the things that infertility makes us consider. I have to laugh at myself sometimes when I realize just how all over the map my thought processes are. I think you are on the right track and just like you said, you keep giving it effort and it will all unfold exactly how it's meant to!

Potters said...

One thing I am learning now that I have two kids is to try to just take things one day at a time and to not look too far into the future and stress myself out. I hope things go the way they should be for you and that you and your little family can be happy and enjoy whatever time you have together.