So my last two sessions with the shrink have been a big let down. In retrospect, I think I may be setting the bar a little high for what I expect to accomplish each session. I guess its because I walked out of my first two sessions thinking, "I'm cured! Its a miracle!" that every consequent session would be the same. But it is not to be.
At my session last week I discussed my issues with my mother, hoping for tools to help me mend a relationship gone horribly wrong since my youth. In fact, when my dad told my mom I was going to a shrink her response was, "I'm going to get it." You would think she was saying that because she knew she had done some damage over the years, but no, not at all. It was right in line with her Poor, Poor Pitty Me attitude. "I'm going to get it. Everything is going to be my fault. She's going to blame me for everything." That was very disappointing. Expected, but disappointing all the same. It would be nice if the woman could for once acknowledge that our relationship is the way it is because of the way she has treated me over the years.
I don't want to get off on a Mommy Hates Me tangent, so I digress. While the session did yield some interesting thoughts that had never crossed my mind, I did not walk out thinking the world had been set to right. I tried not to let it bother me and told myself that the session was more of giving the shrink some back story so we could get down to the nitty gritty later. I did appreciate when she told me I had a definite emotional wall up against my mother because it was necessary to my survival. The question is, how do I break down the wall now? I got nothing in the way of answers.
Today I wasn't sure what we would talk about because I have been feeling a lot better the last couple of weeks thanks to my spiffy new anti-depressants. They have made me down right giddy to breathe. Everything makes me happy since I started taking them. So I figured we should go back to the infertility issue. The whole reason I was really there in the first place. I want those skeletons out of my closet and I want them gone for good.
I laugh when I think about the session because I walked in in a great mood. I didn't think I would get emotional or that I would cry, but bringing up thoughts and feelings from my treatment days and the thought of having to go through it again made me cry. I expressed all of my fears for the future and why I felt that way. I told her what happened in the past and why it was so traumatic, how it all made me feel. I told her I wanted the tools necessary to combat those feelings and emotions if it took us a while to get pg, if we had to go through treatments again, or God forbid, we get pregnant and lose it. I didn't get what I asked for. Instead, I walked out of the session feeling depressed. For the first time it felt like my happy pills were letting me down. I was down the whole rest of the day to the point that I wondered if I should call my doctor and ask him to increase my dose.
At one point the shrink asked a question that brought such anger into me that it shocked me. I told her that I wanted the tools to be able to cope if I had a miscarriage. I have good reason to think it is a possibility. She then asked me what I would do if I did miscarry. I wonder what expression I had on my face when she asked that. Inside I was thinking, "What the hell do you think I would do?!" My mouth said, "I'd bawl my eyes out for a few freaking weeks!" Yes, I said "freaking."
Like I said, I went in in a great mood and left depressed. Isn't that kind of backwards?
I talked to a friend who has been to see a shrink before and asked her about her experience, if she ever walked out feeling like nothing got resolved and the session was a waste. She replied, "All of the time. That's why I quit going." Yeah, I get that. We talked about it a bit and realized our expectations were probably a little high. You can't have an epiphany every time. Sometimes you go in to give back story to work things out later.
I will give it another month, and if I don't feel we're making progress in those two specific areas, I think I will call it quits. But it does make me wonder if the reason I'm doing so well is the combination of happy pills and therapy.... Hmmm....