First of all, I want to thank all of my wonderful bloggy friends for backing me up on my last post and telling me I wasn't being silly. I really appreciated it.
I did go to the awards banquet, and I kept telling myself I could do it. That I wouldn't be a grouch because I knew I wouldn't win anything. Aren't these things all about supporting the people you respect and admire anyway? It is to celebrate the whole department and share in everyone's success. While it would be nice to be recognized, the party was for everyone.
I actually had a pretty good time. I will admit though that I secretly loved it when only one person on my team won an award. I kind of had an evil chuckle about that. Last year everyone on my team won an award except me.
I did, however, get an honorable mention, which was nice. The funny thing is, I was pretty zoned out when I was mentioned, so I almost missed it. Had I been paying attention, I would have hammed it up a bit. But because I wasn't, the moment slipped by before I realized it. Oops.
I have decided I am going to talk to my PM about the little guys like me. There is another girl in my department who is a graphic artist and has busted her tail on our latest project. Like me, she is the only one who does what she does, and she is also like the bastard child in the corner until someone needs something from us. There are far too many people like us in the office who work just as hard as all of the folks who receive awards but go unrecognized. I realize these engineers design our products, and a lot of time and work goes into taking a drawing and making it a reality, but that reality also includes the graphic designer's artwork for marketing literature that sells the product, and it includes the manuals I write so that our end users know how to make the product work correctly and safely. We work every bit as hard as they do, and then we are overlooked. Honestly, it sucks, and it hurts.
For a company who is all about boosting morale, they overlooked recognition for the folks behind the scenes. So I am going to suggest to my PM that we either have an awards ceremony for people like me, or that we are included in the annual award ceremony. I don't necessarily need a trophy or a plaque, but I would like a little something to show I am appreciated just as much as my teammates.
I will let you all know how that goes.
On a different subject, I have scheduled my surgery for May 28th. I forgot to post about it on this blog. So in less than a month, I will be spending a lot of time on my back side sleeping and reading blogs for 3-6 weeks. :D I am kind of looking forward to the time away from everything for a bit.
And now, it is time for a girl drowsy from heavy allergy medication to take her leave and head off to dreamland. Good night all!
P.S. I LOVE that I can write about all of these feelings on this blog! These are things I would never say in real life. lol
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thank You Everyone... Except You.
Okay dear blog friends, I am going to tell you something and I want you all to tell me if you think I am being silly. DH thinks I am, but he cares about precious little in this world outside of the baby and I.
Tomorrow at work they are holding a departmental award ceremony. They do this every year, and up until the economy fell flat on its face last year, this ceremony was a big deal where they would rent out a section of a really nice restaurant and everyone would dress up for it. They had nice trophies made every year that cost them hundreds of dollars, if not thousands. But then The Tank happened, and last year's award ceremony was held humbly in the office, and all of the teams in my department chipped in to make inventive trophies instead of buying some.
Now my job is not impressive. In fact, more often than not my job is seen as a necessary evil and I am shoved in the corner cube like the bastard child at pretty much every company I've ever worked for. My job is important, and without it, my company cannot sell a damn thing. It is an integral part of the process. Not only that, but I am the only person in my company who does what I do. I am further the only person that supports all four teams of my department. Everyone else is pigeon-holed into their role in their team. We also have multiple people doing the same jobs, except for mine.
Because I am the only one doing my job, I am often overlooked, and never does that sting me like it does at the awards ceremony. Why? Because I will never get an award. I didn't do anything super or design some crazy new product that is going to make the company millions of dollars. No, friends, I am the decrepit wench in the dark corner cranking out manuals for these products. I have no one to compete with, no one to be compared to, nothing to measure up to but myself. In the eyes of my company, what is impressive about that?
Forget the fact that I work side-by-side with these teams as they all create and drive new projects to completion. Forget the fact that without my documentation, these products can't go anywhere. Forget the fact that I go through just as much to get my documents approved as they do designing and getting their products approved.
I am dreading tomorrow. I don't want to go, and the thought that if I don't it will be viewed very poorly and come up in a review makes me angry inside. I have to go and watch everyone around me be recognized for their great work, clap my hands and smile when they receieve an award, and pretend to not notice I will be the only one who doesn't receive any kind of award, recognition, or praise. I'm not exaggerating.
Last year I spent months working on a project trying to get some seriously messed up documentation (that was created before I arrived) in a more than presentable state while fighting tooth and bloody nail with a PM to make it happen. When it came time to celebrate the product launch, an award was given to another woman who had spent all of two weeks reviewing the documentation I had spent over 4 months writing. I kid you not. I got NOTHING. No recognition, no t-shirt, nothing. It took all I had to keep from screaming and telling everyone they could go to hell. It took every last ounce of my resolve to stand there for the rest of the party and not rip heads off, but instead, put on a happy face.
Every year they give out an award for the new person who makes the most impact in their first year. I was a contender for that award last year. Remember how I said I am the only person in my department who does work for all four teams? Well, keep that in mind as I tell you the award went to a guy who had to fly out to Germany a couple of times for one product line. Poor guy! He had to go to Germany to drink German beer and eat German chocolate on the company dime. How sad! I feel so very sorry for him. It is a good thing he won that award. I'm sure it made him feel so much better.
Do you know that I wrote a manual for a major product launch for all of our products that year? Now you do. And between you and me, we're the only ones who know.
I am trying not to be bitter and resentful, but I just can't help it. I was the bastard child in my last job, litterally shoved in a corner office and forgotten about. That was a big part of the reason I left. I don't know which is worse, a boss who has no idea what you do for him every day but thinks you are the best thing to ever grace his doorstep, or a boss who knows exactly how hard you work every day and gives you no recognition.
Tomorrow my teams will all get awards for their progress this past year. They will all be recognized and celebrated. When they hand out the praise they will say, "Thank you to everyone for a job well done... except for you, Saige. What you do doesn't really matter. We have no award for people like you. By the way, why are you at this ceremony? Don't you have something to write?"
Please tell me, am I being silly? Is it stupid of me to want to bask in the glow of well-earned praise? Like I said, DH thinks so. He doesn't know why I care. I care because it sucks to watch everyone else take home a trophy except for me.
Maybe I will call in sick with explosive diarrhea tomorrow. That would be better than going to the ceremony only to be overlooked.
Tomorrow at work they are holding a departmental award ceremony. They do this every year, and up until the economy fell flat on its face last year, this ceremony was a big deal where they would rent out a section of a really nice restaurant and everyone would dress up for it. They had nice trophies made every year that cost them hundreds of dollars, if not thousands. But then The Tank happened, and last year's award ceremony was held humbly in the office, and all of the teams in my department chipped in to make inventive trophies instead of buying some.
Now my job is not impressive. In fact, more often than not my job is seen as a necessary evil and I am shoved in the corner cube like the bastard child at pretty much every company I've ever worked for. My job is important, and without it, my company cannot sell a damn thing. It is an integral part of the process. Not only that, but I am the only person in my company who does what I do. I am further the only person that supports all four teams of my department. Everyone else is pigeon-holed into their role in their team. We also have multiple people doing the same jobs, except for mine.
Because I am the only one doing my job, I am often overlooked, and never does that sting me like it does at the awards ceremony. Why? Because I will never get an award. I didn't do anything super or design some crazy new product that is going to make the company millions of dollars. No, friends, I am the decrepit wench in the dark corner cranking out manuals for these products. I have no one to compete with, no one to be compared to, nothing to measure up to but myself. In the eyes of my company, what is impressive about that?
Forget the fact that I work side-by-side with these teams as they all create and drive new projects to completion. Forget the fact that without my documentation, these products can't go anywhere. Forget the fact that I go through just as much to get my documents approved as they do designing and getting their products approved.
I am dreading tomorrow. I don't want to go, and the thought that if I don't it will be viewed very poorly and come up in a review makes me angry inside. I have to go and watch everyone around me be recognized for their great work, clap my hands and smile when they receieve an award, and pretend to not notice I will be the only one who doesn't receive any kind of award, recognition, or praise. I'm not exaggerating.
Last year I spent months working on a project trying to get some seriously messed up documentation (that was created before I arrived) in a more than presentable state while fighting tooth and bloody nail with a PM to make it happen. When it came time to celebrate the product launch, an award was given to another woman who had spent all of two weeks reviewing the documentation I had spent over 4 months writing. I kid you not. I got NOTHING. No recognition, no t-shirt, nothing. It took all I had to keep from screaming and telling everyone they could go to hell. It took every last ounce of my resolve to stand there for the rest of the party and not rip heads off, but instead, put on a happy face.
Every year they give out an award for the new person who makes the most impact in their first year. I was a contender for that award last year. Remember how I said I am the only person in my department who does work for all four teams? Well, keep that in mind as I tell you the award went to a guy who had to fly out to Germany a couple of times for one product line. Poor guy! He had to go to Germany to drink German beer and eat German chocolate on the company dime. How sad! I feel so very sorry for him. It is a good thing he won that award. I'm sure it made him feel so much better.
Do you know that I wrote a manual for a major product launch for all of our products that year? Now you do. And between you and me, we're the only ones who know.
I am trying not to be bitter and resentful, but I just can't help it. I was the bastard child in my last job, litterally shoved in a corner office and forgotten about. That was a big part of the reason I left. I don't know which is worse, a boss who has no idea what you do for him every day but thinks you are the best thing to ever grace his doorstep, or a boss who knows exactly how hard you work every day and gives you no recognition.
Tomorrow my teams will all get awards for their progress this past year. They will all be recognized and celebrated. When they hand out the praise they will say, "Thank you to everyone for a job well done... except for you, Saige. What you do doesn't really matter. We have no award for people like you. By the way, why are you at this ceremony? Don't you have something to write?"
Please tell me, am I being silly? Is it stupid of me to want to bask in the glow of well-earned praise? Like I said, DH thinks so. He doesn't know why I care. I care because it sucks to watch everyone else take home a trophy except for me.
Maybe I will call in sick with explosive diarrhea tomorrow. That would be better than going to the ceremony only to be overlooked.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Turning Point Part II
If you missed the last post, I recommend reading it before delving into this one, as it has the entire back story.
I left off with all of you feeling warm and fuzzy about my first love. It was a great time in my life, and one I remember fondly.
About 6 months into our relationship, things started to go south. He started to get depressed. We were about to graduate from high school and move onto real life. I don't know if it was the magnitude of that hitting him, but he was changing. He started to become dark. He had gone from being sweet to almost being cruel. I asked him many times if he wanted to break up, and he assured me he didn't. He told me I was the only thing good he had in his life. He asked me to be patient and to please stay with him. I loved him, so I did. As he went off the deep end, I went with him. I will spare you all the details of the next month, as it is just a sad story.
I realized on July 24th, our relationship was over when his parents asked me for his class ring back. They made up a story about wanting to get it engraved. I knew the truth. He was too much of a chicken to tell me goodbye to my face. In the two weeks that followed, our phone calls didn't happen every night anymore, and when they did, they were depressing. Then one day he told me he was going to live with his grandpa for a while to help out on his ranch . He told me to wait for him, and that he would call me when he got back and had things figured out. I never heard from him again.
In the weeks that I waited for his call, I wrote him letters. I poured out all of my feelings about what he was doing to me. Some of them I never intended to send, while others I knew I wanted him to read. Two weeks before I was to go off to college, I wrote him the final letter in which I called him a coward. I told him that I was done waiting, and that I was moving on with my life. As I always do when I part with someone, good or bad, I wished him all the best in his life.
Within the first month at college I had a new boyfriend (I had taken some bad advice to move on by finding someone new ASAP). We dated for about 4 months before my feelings for my previous boyfriend prevented me from feeling anything toward the current one. Who, by the way, was the most perfect man I have ever dated. Not perfect for me, but just perfect in general. We should have worked out, but I had too much baggage. The sad thing is, I didn't cry because we didn't work out, I cried because I missed my old boyfriend still. After we broke up, I refused to date. I didn't want to be looked at by guys, touched by them, or even breathed on by them.
I was going through my turning point. I was discovering myself and my worth. I began making all of the relationships in my life closer. I started to appreciate all of my family and friends even more. I was realizing what I really wanted in a husband. My whole life was doing a complete 180 from where I had been before I met him. Maybe that would have eventually happened had I not met him, but he got the ball rolling. I learned so much about myself and who I was as a person. I laid out what I thought was acceptable behavior from people around me and what wasn't. I was going from someone who was borderline bitter for no reason to someone who was appreciative of life and everything it had to offer.
The woman who popped out the other side was a woman completely different from the girl who went in.
Two days before I married my husband, I had a dream that I went back to my first love's house. His mother answered the door and was so excited to see me. Like her son, she thought I had returned to marry him. When he came around the corner, we embraced, and he began to tell me he knew I would come back. I sat him down on the couch and told him that I was actually going to be married to someone else in a few days. I informed him I had only come to thank him for being such an important part of my life. I didn't regret one bit of our relationship, and that all of it made me who I am today. I had learned so much from the experience, and I was grateful for the blessing it was in my life, even if it was hard at the end of it and for years afterward. My life would have been so different had he not been in it.
As I always do, I wished him all the best in his life and hoped that he found happiness because he deserved it. I then walked out of his life for good.
I wouldn't change a thing.
I left off with all of you feeling warm and fuzzy about my first love. It was a great time in my life, and one I remember fondly.
About 6 months into our relationship, things started to go south. He started to get depressed. We were about to graduate from high school and move onto real life. I don't know if it was the magnitude of that hitting him, but he was changing. He started to become dark. He had gone from being sweet to almost being cruel. I asked him many times if he wanted to break up, and he assured me he didn't. He told me I was the only thing good he had in his life. He asked me to be patient and to please stay with him. I loved him, so I did. As he went off the deep end, I went with him. I will spare you all the details of the next month, as it is just a sad story.
I realized on July 24th, our relationship was over when his parents asked me for his class ring back. They made up a story about wanting to get it engraved. I knew the truth. He was too much of a chicken to tell me goodbye to my face. In the two weeks that followed, our phone calls didn't happen every night anymore, and when they did, they were depressing. Then one day he told me he was going to live with his grandpa for a while to help out on his ranch . He told me to wait for him, and that he would call me when he got back and had things figured out. I never heard from him again.
In the weeks that I waited for his call, I wrote him letters. I poured out all of my feelings about what he was doing to me. Some of them I never intended to send, while others I knew I wanted him to read. Two weeks before I was to go off to college, I wrote him the final letter in which I called him a coward. I told him that I was done waiting, and that I was moving on with my life. As I always do when I part with someone, good or bad, I wished him all the best in his life.
Within the first month at college I had a new boyfriend (I had taken some bad advice to move on by finding someone new ASAP). We dated for about 4 months before my feelings for my previous boyfriend prevented me from feeling anything toward the current one. Who, by the way, was the most perfect man I have ever dated. Not perfect for me, but just perfect in general. We should have worked out, but I had too much baggage. The sad thing is, I didn't cry because we didn't work out, I cried because I missed my old boyfriend still. After we broke up, I refused to date. I didn't want to be looked at by guys, touched by them, or even breathed on by them.
I was going through my turning point. I was discovering myself and my worth. I began making all of the relationships in my life closer. I started to appreciate all of my family and friends even more. I was realizing what I really wanted in a husband. My whole life was doing a complete 180 from where I had been before I met him. Maybe that would have eventually happened had I not met him, but he got the ball rolling. I learned so much about myself and who I was as a person. I laid out what I thought was acceptable behavior from people around me and what wasn't. I was going from someone who was borderline bitter for no reason to someone who was appreciative of life and everything it had to offer.
The woman who popped out the other side was a woman completely different from the girl who went in.
Two days before I married my husband, I had a dream that I went back to my first love's house. His mother answered the door and was so excited to see me. Like her son, she thought I had returned to marry him. When he came around the corner, we embraced, and he began to tell me he knew I would come back. I sat him down on the couch and told him that I was actually going to be married to someone else in a few days. I informed him I had only come to thank him for being such an important part of my life. I didn't regret one bit of our relationship, and that all of it made me who I am today. I had learned so much from the experience, and I was grateful for the blessing it was in my life, even if it was hard at the end of it and for years afterward. My life would have been so different had he not been in it.
As I always do, I wished him all the best in his life and hoped that he found happiness because he deserved it. I then walked out of his life for good.
I wouldn't change a thing.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Turning Point Part I
Everyone has that one iconic moment in their lives where they look back and realize that was a major turning point. For some it happens sooner than for others, and for some these moments occur more than just once or twice. There is always one where you realize you have morphed from a child into an adult complete with freedom and responsibility. Sometimes there is one that shapes you into who you are today. Sometimes there is one that throws you off the path you thought your life was supposed to follow, but instead takes a completely different direction.
I often think about the turning points in my life. The first was my biggest and forever changed my outlook on myself, the people in my life, and my future. I look back on that time in my life when I was only 18 years old, and even though at the time it was one of the hardest times of my life, I wouldn't change a single thing. I went through everything I did so that I could become who I am today. That moment also made me realize I was becoming an adult, and that it was time to put away silly school girl fantasies and welcome myself to the reality of life.
About two weeks before my 18th birthday I met the first and only guy I ever truly loved besides my husband. He is the only guy who is not related to me to ever hear, "I love you," from my lips. Don't get me wrong, I dated a lot, but my love was never something I threw around frivolously. It meant something to me, and so I would only bestow it on men who really, truly deserved it. My mother often told me I was cold hearted when I didn't care after I broke up with guys. She never understood I never got emotionally attached unless I thought the guy had some serious potential.
For the next 7 months, our relationship had the classic Romeo and Juliet feel, right down to burning the candle from both ends. He lived three hours away from me, but we met at a weekend high school honor band function held at one of the state universities. The funny thing is, I was there to hook up with a guy I had met there the year before. But this new guy wouldn't have it. He wouldn't give me up for the world. He saw me going after the man I was there to pursue, but he intervened every chance he got. Eventually the other guy just backed down. To the victor went the spoils.
We decided after that one weekend that we wanted to be together and would do whatever it took to make it happen. He was more determined than I was and had the means to make it possible, so he did.
We would talk on the phone every single night for hours. He drove three hours out to my house almost every single weekend. Some weekends he would drive out to pick me up and take me back to his house, doing two 6-hour round trips in one weekend. I still can't believe his parents were completely okay with it.
Our love was sweet and gentle. It started out softly, and it grew stronger by the day. He was the first and only guy who ever wrote me love poems and letters. All of which are safely tucked away in my cedar chest. I had kissed many guys before him, but I had never french kissed before him. He was my first. I had thrown away my first kiss on a guy who was not worthy, so I had to makeup for the horrible first kiss by making the first french kiss special, meaningful, and full of desire.
We loved each other so much. We often talked about running away to Reno to get married. We went so far as to buy wedding bands, and once had his mother obtain a marriage certificate for us so we could fake out our friends. More than once we would get in his beat up little Ford truck and hop on the freeway to Reno. We would drive and say, "I am serious. I want to do this. Are you sure you do?" We were both serious. But for some reason, we never made it. Who knows why, perhaps it was divine intervention. I don't remember ever turning around or one of us backing out. Chances are I was the one who always got cold feet.
I thought or chances of ending up married one day were really good. We had a plan that included him building our house on a ranch where we could raise all sorts of animals and start a big family. We both wanted five kids. It all seemed so perfect.
I was still a naive child. My eyes were about to be opened.
To keep this post from being seriously long, I am going to break it up into two parts. Tonight I want to leave you with the warm, fuzzy part of the sweet innocence that is young love. Wrap yourself in it and breathe it in. Ah to be young again and experience all the thrills of the chase.
I often think about the turning points in my life. The first was my biggest and forever changed my outlook on myself, the people in my life, and my future. I look back on that time in my life when I was only 18 years old, and even though at the time it was one of the hardest times of my life, I wouldn't change a single thing. I went through everything I did so that I could become who I am today. That moment also made me realize I was becoming an adult, and that it was time to put away silly school girl fantasies and welcome myself to the reality of life.
About two weeks before my 18th birthday I met the first and only guy I ever truly loved besides my husband. He is the only guy who is not related to me to ever hear, "I love you," from my lips. Don't get me wrong, I dated a lot, but my love was never something I threw around frivolously. It meant something to me, and so I would only bestow it on men who really, truly deserved it. My mother often told me I was cold hearted when I didn't care after I broke up with guys. She never understood I never got emotionally attached unless I thought the guy had some serious potential.
For the next 7 months, our relationship had the classic Romeo and Juliet feel, right down to burning the candle from both ends. He lived three hours away from me, but we met at a weekend high school honor band function held at one of the state universities. The funny thing is, I was there to hook up with a guy I had met there the year before. But this new guy wouldn't have it. He wouldn't give me up for the world. He saw me going after the man I was there to pursue, but he intervened every chance he got. Eventually the other guy just backed down. To the victor went the spoils.
We decided after that one weekend that we wanted to be together and would do whatever it took to make it happen. He was more determined than I was and had the means to make it possible, so he did.
We would talk on the phone every single night for hours. He drove three hours out to my house almost every single weekend. Some weekends he would drive out to pick me up and take me back to his house, doing two 6-hour round trips in one weekend. I still can't believe his parents were completely okay with it.
Our love was sweet and gentle. It started out softly, and it grew stronger by the day. He was the first and only guy who ever wrote me love poems and letters. All of which are safely tucked away in my cedar chest. I had kissed many guys before him, but I had never french kissed before him. He was my first. I had thrown away my first kiss on a guy who was not worthy, so I had to makeup for the horrible first kiss by making the first french kiss special, meaningful, and full of desire.
We loved each other so much. We often talked about running away to Reno to get married. We went so far as to buy wedding bands, and once had his mother obtain a marriage certificate for us so we could fake out our friends. More than once we would get in his beat up little Ford truck and hop on the freeway to Reno. We would drive and say, "I am serious. I want to do this. Are you sure you do?" We were both serious. But for some reason, we never made it. Who knows why, perhaps it was divine intervention. I don't remember ever turning around or one of us backing out. Chances are I was the one who always got cold feet.
I thought or chances of ending up married one day were really good. We had a plan that included him building our house on a ranch where we could raise all sorts of animals and start a big family. We both wanted five kids. It all seemed so perfect.
I was still a naive child. My eyes were about to be opened.
To keep this post from being seriously long, I am going to break it up into two parts. Tonight I want to leave you with the warm, fuzzy part of the sweet innocence that is young love. Wrap yourself in it and breathe it in. Ah to be young again and experience all the thrills of the chase.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Nothing Will Change
With the recent death of my husband's grandpa, his mother has suddenly come into money. DH says he always thought his grandpa was a millionaire. He was in the oil industry for many years and never wanted for spare change. When he passed, he spread his wealth equally among his three daughters. Two of whom used what was available to them growing up and went to college, got degrees, and are now successful business women. My husband's mom, however, chose to run off, become a hippy, smoke weed out her ass, and marry the first man her dad didn't like: DH's dad. As a result, she spent most of her adult life penniless, scraping just to get by. I won't go into the rest of her story, because it is all more of the same.
I also won't get into what makes me really angry about the current situation.
Now, however, now she is a wealthy woman. I am sure she will squander loads of her inheritance on booze and pot. She has been telling us for the last couple of years she thinks her days are numbered. I am not sure if she says that because there is something wrong with her, or because she is being dramatic and thinks that telling us such a story will make us want to put up with her seriously cruel attitude. Either way, I never cared. There is NO reason for her to treat people the way she does. NONE.
When DH went to his grandpa's funeral this weekend (the Munchkin and I couldn't go because we couldn't afford the flights), I asked him to please collect the photos, photo album, and photo calendar I made for his grandpa for Christmas and have been sending since that time. When he asked why, I told him just because I wanted them back. I explained all of his family had been given similar items, and no one would have the need for the ones I gave to his grandpa. In all honesty, I didn't want HER to have them. I gave his grandpa way more pictures than I ever gave her, and he had more recent ones from the baby's birthday, which she did not receive because we called our relationship quits just before the Munchkin's birthday.
When he asked for them, apparently his mother threw a shit fit.
Let me pretend to be surprised.
Nope, can't do it.
I knew she would be pissed off. I knew it would grate her. And you know what? I'm kind of glad.
She told DH he would have to ask his aunts, as though those items were now in the possession of the three of them and I no longer had any right to them.
His aunts told her to knock it off and to send them back to me, that that is what their dad would have wanted. They already have their pictures, and they know she does too. Whether or not they know I will no longer send her updated photos of the baby, I don't know. But what I can say is that DH's aunts WILL still receive updated photos, cards, and all manner of things his mother won't because she cannot be nice to me to save her life.
I sincerely hope that she doesn't think that just because she is now a wealthy woman that our relationship will change. I could care less about her new bank account. My relationships with people are not based on money. My world does not, never has, and never will revolve around money. She can leave her mula to her worthless son (obviously not DH), and like her, he can blow it all on booze and weed. I just don't give a damn.
My respect and dignity cannot be bought for any price.
My daughter is not for sale either.
Just as before her father died, our relationship is still over. I still will not email her. I still won't send her pictures or updates of the baby. I won't email or call her when I get pregnant next, or bring another child into this world. I still want nothing to do with her, and I still don't want her negativity in my life. I do, however, still wish her all the best, as I always do with everyone who leaves my life, on good terms or bad.
I also won't get into what makes me really angry about the current situation.
Now, however, now she is a wealthy woman. I am sure she will squander loads of her inheritance on booze and pot. She has been telling us for the last couple of years she thinks her days are numbered. I am not sure if she says that because there is something wrong with her, or because she is being dramatic and thinks that telling us such a story will make us want to put up with her seriously cruel attitude. Either way, I never cared. There is NO reason for her to treat people the way she does. NONE.
When DH went to his grandpa's funeral this weekend (the Munchkin and I couldn't go because we couldn't afford the flights), I asked him to please collect the photos, photo album, and photo calendar I made for his grandpa for Christmas and have been sending since that time. When he asked why, I told him just because I wanted them back. I explained all of his family had been given similar items, and no one would have the need for the ones I gave to his grandpa. In all honesty, I didn't want HER to have them. I gave his grandpa way more pictures than I ever gave her, and he had more recent ones from the baby's birthday, which she did not receive because we called our relationship quits just before the Munchkin's birthday.
When he asked for them, apparently his mother threw a shit fit.
Let me pretend to be surprised.
Nope, can't do it.
I knew she would be pissed off. I knew it would grate her. And you know what? I'm kind of glad.
She told DH he would have to ask his aunts, as though those items were now in the possession of the three of them and I no longer had any right to them.
His aunts told her to knock it off and to send them back to me, that that is what their dad would have wanted. They already have their pictures, and they know she does too. Whether or not they know I will no longer send her updated photos of the baby, I don't know. But what I can say is that DH's aunts WILL still receive updated photos, cards, and all manner of things his mother won't because she cannot be nice to me to save her life.
I sincerely hope that she doesn't think that just because she is now a wealthy woman that our relationship will change. I could care less about her new bank account. My relationships with people are not based on money. My world does not, never has, and never will revolve around money. She can leave her mula to her worthless son (obviously not DH), and like her, he can blow it all on booze and weed. I just don't give a damn.
My respect and dignity cannot be bought for any price.
My daughter is not for sale either.
Just as before her father died, our relationship is still over. I still will not email her. I still won't send her pictures or updates of the baby. I won't email or call her when I get pregnant next, or bring another child into this world. I still want nothing to do with her, and I still don't want her negativity in my life. I do, however, still wish her all the best, as I always do with everyone who leaves my life, on good terms or bad.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Endometriosis and TTC
Hey friends, I am not back off my break yet, but a fellow blogger named Tania approached me a couple of weeks ago and asked for my help spreading information about endometriosis to women who are TTC. She asked if she wrote up a blog post for me if I would put it on my blog. As a big part of the reason behind my blogs is to provide information as well as support to fellow IFers, I immediately told her yes. Especially because she wanted to write up something that applied to one of my reasons for infertility. I feel that as infertiles, the best thing we can do is educate ourselves as to why we are in the situations we are in if we know why we are here. I know exactly why I'm here, so I was excited to be a part of this with Tania. Below is the post she wrote up just for my blog and my readers. If you suffer from endo, please take a look at it. Maybe it will provide you with information you didn't have before. I know it did for me.
Love you all and miss you!
Endometriosis Research and Omega -3-Fatty Acid Rich Diet
According to recent scientific endometriosis research, women that consume a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids could be less likely to develop the disease, while women that have diets rich in trans-fats may have an increased risk. The study indicates there is a direct link between endometriosis and the diet a woman observes. The total amount of fat consumed in the diet does not matter nearly as much as the type of fat being eaten.
Females that consumed an omega-3 fatty acid rich diet were 22% less likely to develop endometriosis, while 48% of women that ate the least amount of these fats had a considerably higher risk. The study was conducted on 70,709 nurses in the United States and lasted for 12 years and found that diet plays a vital part in the development of endometriosis. The informational study also determined that a low fat diet is not necessarily the best and only seemed to highlight the need to eliminate trans-fats from the diet entirely.
Millions of women trying to conceive will experience endometriosis, which can have a direct impact on fertility. Many females have been seeking an alternative choice which will allow them to manage the symptoms of endometriosis and reduce the risks of developing the disease. Making certain dietary modifications now and incorporating a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids can be done as a protective measure and actually might reduce the risks of endometriosis.
Endometriosis is a condition in which uterine tissues are located in areas outside of the womb, the tissue bleeds during menstruation and causes some women to endure chronic pain. Some women have no symptoms of endometriosis and others can experience debilitating pain. The endometrial tissue can also adhere to other organs in the body and may cause infertility problems in women trying to conceive.
The disease of endometriosis affects approximately 10% of females of childbearing age and because the causes are not completely understood, a woman can go through many different things trying to manage the symptoms and treat the pain. Symptoms of a pain related to endometriosis are commonly dealt with by using anti-inflammatory medications, steroids, hormones or surgery. However, for women that have tried everything and experience no significant relief from the pain, making lifestyle adjustments and dietary changes can yield positive results.
Endometriosis research has indicated that tracking dietary habits and categorizing certain foods can help a woman find out which foods are actually helping and which are leading to an increase in symptoms. Long chain omega-3 fatty acids can be found in many foods but the most common are tuna, salmon, mackerel, mayonnaise and full fat salad dressing. Trans fat foods are produced through a method called hydrogenation which changes the vegetable oil into solid fat and has been linked to an increase of heart disease.
When dealing with endometriosis and trying to manage the painful side effects, a woman can be at a loss as to know what to do. Through checking into all the research information and consulting with a nutritionist or dietician can help a woman devise a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acid foods, which can improve both quality of life and fertility. More research is ongoing to determine if a reduction of trans fats and an increase in omega-3 fatty acids can hold any more benefits for women suffering from endometriosis.
For more information, you can visit Tania's blog.
Love you all and miss you!
Endometriosis Research and Omega -3-Fatty Acid Rich Diet
According to recent scientific endometriosis research, women that consume a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids could be less likely to develop the disease, while women that have diets rich in trans-fats may have an increased risk. The study indicates there is a direct link between endometriosis and the diet a woman observes. The total amount of fat consumed in the diet does not matter nearly as much as the type of fat being eaten.
Females that consumed an omega-3 fatty acid rich diet were 22% less likely to develop endometriosis, while 48% of women that ate the least amount of these fats had a considerably higher risk. The study was conducted on 70,709 nurses in the United States and lasted for 12 years and found that diet plays a vital part in the development of endometriosis. The informational study also determined that a low fat diet is not necessarily the best and only seemed to highlight the need to eliminate trans-fats from the diet entirely.
Millions of women trying to conceive will experience endometriosis, which can have a direct impact on fertility. Many females have been seeking an alternative choice which will allow them to manage the symptoms of endometriosis and reduce the risks of developing the disease. Making certain dietary modifications now and incorporating a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids can be done as a protective measure and actually might reduce the risks of endometriosis.
Endometriosis is a condition in which uterine tissues are located in areas outside of the womb, the tissue bleeds during menstruation and causes some women to endure chronic pain. Some women have no symptoms of endometriosis and others can experience debilitating pain. The endometrial tissue can also adhere to other organs in the body and may cause infertility problems in women trying to conceive.
The disease of endometriosis affects approximately 10% of females of childbearing age and because the causes are not completely understood, a woman can go through many different things trying to manage the symptoms and treat the pain. Symptoms of a pain related to endometriosis are commonly dealt with by using anti-inflammatory medications, steroids, hormones or surgery. However, for women that have tried everything and experience no significant relief from the pain, making lifestyle adjustments and dietary changes can yield positive results.
Endometriosis research has indicated that tracking dietary habits and categorizing certain foods can help a woman find out which foods are actually helping and which are leading to an increase in symptoms. Long chain omega-3 fatty acids can be found in many foods but the most common are tuna, salmon, mackerel, mayonnaise and full fat salad dressing. Trans fat foods are produced through a method called hydrogenation which changes the vegetable oil into solid fat and has been linked to an increase of heart disease.
When dealing with endometriosis and trying to manage the painful side effects, a woman can be at a loss as to know what to do. Through checking into all the research information and consulting with a nutritionist or dietician can help a woman devise a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acid foods, which can improve both quality of life and fertility. More research is ongoing to determine if a reduction of trans fats and an increase in omega-3 fatty acids can hold any more benefits for women suffering from endometriosis.
For more information, you can visit Tania's blog.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Burnout
For those of you whom followed me over here from my primary blog, I need to issue a disclaimer here. This blog is my outlet for everything emotional that isn't sunshine and lollipops. This is where I put all of the feelings out there that I don't want exposed to my family, IRL friends, and potentially coworkers.
One of my best friends, JM, has taught me so much about how life really isn't all black and white. Things I thought were crystal clear before I met her all of a sudden became foggy after we became friends. I always value a different perspective on life, and actively seek it out. We are so different in so many ways, and it is those differences that draw me to her.
A while back when I was last really upset with Crazy Dog Lady, I went through what JM called, "emotional withdrawal." She explained that it is like a hangover after an emotional bender. I woke up two days after my encounter with the crazy woman feeling completely drained and somewhat depressed. Had I not had JM around that day, I would have thought I was bipolar.
The reason I bring that up is because I am on a huge emotional withdrawal right now. After my big, exciting news on Friday, I feel like I have kind of gone off the deep end. It has nothing to do with Friday, per se, but more that I am realizing my life over the last two months has caught up with me.
You see, since February 19th, the day of the fated ultrasound that sent my life in a tailspin, I have been going full steam. I have been throwing as much coal onto the fire as I possibly could. Not just with the rupture, but with everything in my life. Around that same time, a massive project at work picked up, and since then I have been pulled in a million different directions trying to write manuals, update procedures, go on installations, and try to keep the peace between some seriously stressed out coworkers. All the while I didn't realize I was barely keeping my own head above water. I was hanging on for dear life while trying to rescue everyone around me from drowning too.
My husband's grandpa died last night. He was a very great man who loved my husband dearly. My MIL (aka BIL) dropped my husband on her parent's doorstep to be raised for about 4 years of his life while she gallivanted off to smoke pot and drink like a fish. While I disrespect her lack of motherly skills, I can't help but give her credit for unknowingly doing the best thing she could have ever done for my husband. He spent the most vulnerable years of his life where who he would grow up to be was shaped. Because of it, he turned out to be nothing like his mother, and is a very great man himself. Unlike his mother, he values his family, never drank, never smoked, and never got into real trouble. As you can tell, the passing of his grandpa is more than a big deal. DH is handling it in a way I never expected. He hasn't cried, and he seems to not care. On the surface. I know how he is handling it though, and I would rather he cry.
Add to that, the Munchkin really started to pick up a vocabulary over the weekend. At first we were so proud and amazed. Now all she says is, "MINE!" to EVERYTHING and threw tantrums left and right all night long when she didn't get what she thought should be hers. She threw even bigger tantrums when what she thought was hers, like dinner, wasn't delivered fast enough. I love my child more than the air I breathe, but tonight, I didn't have the fight left in me.
What I am getting at is that I am completely and totally burned out with life right now. The coal for my fire is all but gone. I have switched to auto pilot and am wondering how much is just enough to get by. I feel horrible writing this, but I am also burned out on blogging. I have been for over a week now. I keep wondering if there is anyway I can take a break without feeling guilty that I might miss a pregnancy announcement, miss some big news that needs cheering on, miss the opportunity to provide love and support to a struggling blogger. So I keep going. Just like I do with work. Just like I am doing with my home life right now. I am just plain burned out.
Right now, I feel nothing. Not happiness, not despair, not hope, just nothing. I just am, because right now that is all I have left to give. Nothing.
It is here I write what I wish I wasn't going to, but I have to take a break from blogging for a while. I will check in on everyone when I can at work, but I am not going to pressure myself to do so right now. I need to get some life back in me, and I can't do that without taking some time out to focus on me. I promise I will be back. I just don't know when. I hope you all understand. I apologize up front if I miss some big news. Know that I am always thinking about and praying for all of you.
Sending all my love.
One of my best friends, JM, has taught me so much about how life really isn't all black and white. Things I thought were crystal clear before I met her all of a sudden became foggy after we became friends. I always value a different perspective on life, and actively seek it out. We are so different in so many ways, and it is those differences that draw me to her.
A while back when I was last really upset with Crazy Dog Lady, I went through what JM called, "emotional withdrawal." She explained that it is like a hangover after an emotional bender. I woke up two days after my encounter with the crazy woman feeling completely drained and somewhat depressed. Had I not had JM around that day, I would have thought I was bipolar.
The reason I bring that up is because I am on a huge emotional withdrawal right now. After my big, exciting news on Friday, I feel like I have kind of gone off the deep end. It has nothing to do with Friday, per se, but more that I am realizing my life over the last two months has caught up with me.
You see, since February 19th, the day of the fated ultrasound that sent my life in a tailspin, I have been going full steam. I have been throwing as much coal onto the fire as I possibly could. Not just with the rupture, but with everything in my life. Around that same time, a massive project at work picked up, and since then I have been pulled in a million different directions trying to write manuals, update procedures, go on installations, and try to keep the peace between some seriously stressed out coworkers. All the while I didn't realize I was barely keeping my own head above water. I was hanging on for dear life while trying to rescue everyone around me from drowning too.
My husband's grandpa died last night. He was a very great man who loved my husband dearly. My MIL (aka BIL) dropped my husband on her parent's doorstep to be raised for about 4 years of his life while she gallivanted off to smoke pot and drink like a fish. While I disrespect her lack of motherly skills, I can't help but give her credit for unknowingly doing the best thing she could have ever done for my husband. He spent the most vulnerable years of his life where who he would grow up to be was shaped. Because of it, he turned out to be nothing like his mother, and is a very great man himself. Unlike his mother, he values his family, never drank, never smoked, and never got into real trouble. As you can tell, the passing of his grandpa is more than a big deal. DH is handling it in a way I never expected. He hasn't cried, and he seems to not care. On the surface. I know how he is handling it though, and I would rather he cry.
Add to that, the Munchkin really started to pick up a vocabulary over the weekend. At first we were so proud and amazed. Now all she says is, "MINE!" to EVERYTHING and threw tantrums left and right all night long when she didn't get what she thought should be hers. She threw even bigger tantrums when what she thought was hers, like dinner, wasn't delivered fast enough. I love my child more than the air I breathe, but tonight, I didn't have the fight left in me.
What I am getting at is that I am completely and totally burned out with life right now. The coal for my fire is all but gone. I have switched to auto pilot and am wondering how much is just enough to get by. I feel horrible writing this, but I am also burned out on blogging. I have been for over a week now. I keep wondering if there is anyway I can take a break without feeling guilty that I might miss a pregnancy announcement, miss some big news that needs cheering on, miss the opportunity to provide love and support to a struggling blogger. So I keep going. Just like I do with work. Just like I am doing with my home life right now. I am just plain burned out.
Right now, I feel nothing. Not happiness, not despair, not hope, just nothing. I just am, because right now that is all I have left to give. Nothing.
It is here I write what I wish I wasn't going to, but I have to take a break from blogging for a while. I will check in on everyone when I can at work, but I am not going to pressure myself to do so right now. I need to get some life back in me, and I can't do that without taking some time out to focus on me. I promise I will be back. I just don't know when. I hope you all understand. I apologize up front if I miss some big news. Know that I am always thinking about and praying for all of you.
Sending all my love.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Movie Critic Round 1
My husband and I have a Blo.ckbu.ster account where we receive movies in the mail. When we first got it, we watched so many movies it was crazy. Of course, that was back during our infertility treatment days when we had nothing else to do but watch movies. At one point, I did a movie review week on my blog. It was a lot of fun, and I haven't done it since, so I thought it would be fun to start doing it again on this blog. Who can't use a break from the every day bump and grind of TTC against the odds?
So here are my movie reviews on the last few movies DH and I watched:
So here are my movie reviews on the last few movies DH and I watched:
- 500 Days of Summer - I thought this movie was supposed to be a cute romantic comedy. I am not a huge Zoey fan, but DH thought this movie looked cute, so I put it on the BB list. I should have known by the first statement in the movie that I didn't need to proceed any further. This movie was anything BUT cute! It was actually quite a downer. The only thing it did for me was make me even more super dooper glad that I am no longer in the dating scene and pray to God that I never am again.
I give this movie two big thumbs down and don't recommend it unless you feel like being really glad you aren't dating anymore. - The Informant - This movie was not at all what I expected either, but it was kind of funny. It wasn't as funny as the commercials made it out to be, but it wasn't horrible. DH and I both said we are sure it would have been even funnier if we worked for the F.BI. It definitely took twists and turns I didn't expect. The part that made us laugh the most was the dollar amount the guy stole from the company went up by $2-3 million every time he talked about how much was in his off-shore account. It was worth watching at least once.
I give this movie a neutral thumb. I didn't wish I had the two hours of my life back that I spent watching it, and it was entertaining. - Confessions of a Shopaholic - CUTE beyond CUTE! Maybe I thought it was super cute because I have a shopping addiction myself. Or maybe I thought it was super cute because I LOVE Isla Fisher. Either way, I loved this movie. It also helps that it ended the way all romantic comedies should. The comedic value was also there throughout the movie, especially the part where she literally freezes her assets. I did that once, so I could totally relate. I can also relate to the need to go to a Shopaholics Anonymous meeting. Oh yeah, I can also relate to the rush I feel when I buy things. I am all about tangible instant gratification.
I give this movie two great big thumbs up! Definitely see it if you haven't yet. It is too cute to pass up. - Last Chance Harvy - If you haven't seen this one yet, let me save you the trouble. Don't. It was so depressing. It was one of those movies that should be shown to people recovering from depression because you watch it and think, "Thank God my life isn't that sad and pathetic. I thought I was ready to jump off a bridge."
I only give this movie one thumb down because it had Emma Thompson in it, whom I adore, and Robert Deniro, who is a great actor. - Bride Wars - It was just as cute as the commercials made it out to be, although the ending was a little different than I thought it would be. It was this close - to being a letdown, but then they fixed it. In addition to a really cute story line that I can kind of relate to in real life, it has Kate Hudson and Ann Hathaway in it. You don't get much more all-star than that. I love those two. My first favorite movie with Kate was The Four Feathers. If you haven't seen the latter yet, do!
I give this movie two thumbs way up!
Now its your turn. Tell me about a recent movie you watched, whether it is worth seeing or not, and give it your thumbs rating. I am all for adding your finds to my list for my viewing pleasure.
Also, I DO go back and rate the movies I rent on BB's website. A couple of the ones I have listed above only got half a star from me, and others got the maximum 5!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Oh My Gosh!
Our trip to the Mayo Clinic was AWESOME! I have updated my primary blog, and you can read about all of the excitement and wonderful news here. It was worth every penny and then some!
I tried to update my blogs from my phone in the hotel last night, but apparently all I can do from the phone is type in a subject. I was a little cheesed because: 1) I was so excited to share the news, and 2) because I was so excited, I couldn't sleep!
I am so happy to finally be sharing great news! So hop on over to the above post and read all about it. :D
Thank you everyone for your support, love, and prayers as we went through all of this. I seriously couldn't have handled all of the low times without you.
We will return to our normal blogging shortly. ;)
I tried to update my blogs from my phone in the hotel last night, but apparently all I can do from the phone is type in a subject. I was a little cheesed because: 1) I was so excited to share the news, and 2) because I was so excited, I couldn't sleep!
I am so happy to finally be sharing great news! So hop on over to the above post and read all about it. :D
Thank you everyone for your support, love, and prayers as we went through all of this. I seriously couldn't have handled all of the low times without you.
We will return to our normal blogging shortly. ;)
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Finally, an Update!
First of all, I want to say I am sorry to all of my bloggy friends for getting so behind with my reading and commenting this past week. I have just had some major Blogger Burnout coupled with long hours working at a computer screen at work. I will be catching up soon, I promise.
With that, I give you the latest update in our battle in TTC#2. You can read all about my MRI follow-up here, should you so desire.
With that, I will end this post and do my bloogy friend duty by catching up with all of you!
With that, I give you the latest update in our battle in TTC#2. You can read all about my MRI follow-up here, should you so desire.
With that, I will end this post and do my bloogy friend duty by catching up with all of you!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I Love Technology
One of my favorite lines from The Sim.psons is:
LISA: What's inside you Nelson?
NELSON: I dunno, guts, black stuff, and about 50 Sl.im J.ims
The beautiful thing about living in this day and age with all of its technology is that when you have an MRI, they send you home with a disc of your scans for your own records. Even more beautiful for me is I work in a company that creates software to view MRI scans. I can't tell you how much fun I had at work on Thursday looking at my guts in MRI format.
"There are my ovaries. There is what looks like a nice steak. There's my bum crack. I think that's my uterus, although it could be bowel. I'm not sure what all of these black and white pockets are unless they are cysts or endo."
I even had fun showing off my guts to a few interested coworkers who found it as interesting as I did.
And now, if you are interested, here is an image of my guts and black stuff, minus the 50 Sl.im J.ims.
This is a top down view. Gross and freaky, yet really cool.
Apparently I have a nice layer of thermal padding. :)
LISA: What's inside you Nelson?
NELSON: I dunno, guts, black stuff, and about 50 Sl.im J.ims
The beautiful thing about living in this day and age with all of its technology is that when you have an MRI, they send you home with a disc of your scans for your own records. Even more beautiful for me is I work in a company that creates software to view MRI scans. I can't tell you how much fun I had at work on Thursday looking at my guts in MRI format.
"There are my ovaries. There is what looks like a nice steak. There's my bum crack. I think that's my uterus, although it could be bowel. I'm not sure what all of these black and white pockets are unless they are cysts or endo."
I even had fun showing off my guts to a few interested coworkers who found it as interesting as I did.
And now, if you are interested, here is an image of my guts and black stuff, minus the 50 Sl.im J.ims.
This is a top down view. Gross and freaky, yet really cool.
Apparently I have a nice layer of thermal padding. :)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Do You Know Why You're Infertile?
Sometimes I get asked by people in my life if I know what caused my infertility. I always tell them yes. When I say yes, I don't just mean that I have moderate endometriosis or that I have PCOS, but that I know what caused it.
My parents were two very fertile people. My dad managed to get my mother pregnant on their honeymoon. Yep, the classic "Honeymoon Baby." Of course everyone who liked a bit of juicy gossip waited to see when my mother delivered my brother so they could speculate and spread rumors that she was pregnant before my parents were married. My brother was two weeks early. No, my mother was not pregnant on her wedding day. No, my parents did not have premarital relations. My mother is what my dad likes to call "a fertile turtle."
So how could two very fertile folks create not only infertile offspring, but one who had an extensive case of endometriosis by the time she was 27? I'll tell you how, and it happened before I was even thought of by my parents. Before they even met. Back when they were just kids themselves.
I remember in elementary school reading about how the aftermath of the ato.m bomb dropped on Hiros.hima back in WWII had not only affected those who were alive when it was dropped, but their offspring were as well. I remember reading that the offspring of those who were alive ended up with cancer and had infertility problems. Even back then it broke my heart and made me angry as I read the story of a girl who died in a hospital in Hiros.hima at my age because she had gotten cancer from that bomb, even though she was conceived years afterward. I was so angry that Americans had done something that affected the health and fertility of the generations that came after the day En.ola G.ay dropped "Lit.tle Boy." But most of all, the fact that it affected their fertility outraged me. For months I fumed to anyone who would listen.
Shortly after I was diagnosed with endo, I found out that four of my female cousins born by my father's siblings were also having issues. One had undergone IVF, and one was just starting on Ch.lomid. I subsequently found out that one of them had been positively diagnosed with endo and had already had two laparoscopies to clean it out. In addition to them, I already knew conception was no easy feat for my sister.
One day my dad called me and told me he knew why all of us girls were infertile. When he was a boy, the government was doing a.tom bomb testing near where he grew up. He had read a study that reported the offspring of children, who are also known as "Downwinders," had a very high incidence of endometriosis. Come to find out, my mother was also a Downwinder, she just wasn't exposed at as high of a rate as my dad was.
I find it ironic that I felt such rage reading about Lit.tle B.oy making people in Japan infertile. I always knew in my heart I would have a hard time having children, but perhaps on the day I read that, I knew deep down the exact same thing was going to be my prevention too.
What I find most sad of all is that if we do go on to conceive, we pass on the code for what caused our infertility. On top of that, there are so many man-made chemicals these days that are putting children into puberty long before they should. I absolutely worry about what I passed on to my daughter. But I do find comfort in the fact that I can be proactive about ensuring I don't introduce unnecessary toxins into her by feeding her organic foods.
This isn't meant to be a Green post by any means. It is more of a post about how I am angry my fertility was taken from me before I even existed, YEARS before I existed. I am angry about the fact that I grew up knowing I would have a hard time getting pregnant. In fact, I remember the day I got my period. I was sooo excited, but that excitement was quickly smashed by the thought, "This doesn't mean you can get pregnant or have kids. You're still going to have a hard time." That day is still very vivid in my memory. I had no reason to think that either. I just knew.
I just pray that I am able to be proactive about saving my daughter from the same heartache I went through to bring her into this world. It is too bad I know why I'm infertile and can't do a dang thing about it.
My parents were two very fertile people. My dad managed to get my mother pregnant on their honeymoon. Yep, the classic "Honeymoon Baby." Of course everyone who liked a bit of juicy gossip waited to see when my mother delivered my brother so they could speculate and spread rumors that she was pregnant before my parents were married. My brother was two weeks early. No, my mother was not pregnant on her wedding day. No, my parents did not have premarital relations. My mother is what my dad likes to call "a fertile turtle."
So how could two very fertile folks create not only infertile offspring, but one who had an extensive case of endometriosis by the time she was 27? I'll tell you how, and it happened before I was even thought of by my parents. Before they even met. Back when they were just kids themselves.
I remember in elementary school reading about how the aftermath of the ato.m bomb dropped on Hiros.hima back in WWII had not only affected those who were alive when it was dropped, but their offspring were as well. I remember reading that the offspring of those who were alive ended up with cancer and had infertility problems. Even back then it broke my heart and made me angry as I read the story of a girl who died in a hospital in Hiros.hima at my age because she had gotten cancer from that bomb, even though she was conceived years afterward. I was so angry that Americans had done something that affected the health and fertility of the generations that came after the day En.ola G.ay dropped "Lit.tle Boy." But most of all, the fact that it affected their fertility outraged me. For months I fumed to anyone who would listen.
Shortly after I was diagnosed with endo, I found out that four of my female cousins born by my father's siblings were also having issues. One had undergone IVF, and one was just starting on Ch.lomid. I subsequently found out that one of them had been positively diagnosed with endo and had already had two laparoscopies to clean it out. In addition to them, I already knew conception was no easy feat for my sister.
One day my dad called me and told me he knew why all of us girls were infertile. When he was a boy, the government was doing a.tom bomb testing near where he grew up. He had read a study that reported the offspring of children, who are also known as "Downwinders," had a very high incidence of endometriosis. Come to find out, my mother was also a Downwinder, she just wasn't exposed at as high of a rate as my dad was.
I find it ironic that I felt such rage reading about Lit.tle B.oy making people in Japan infertile. I always knew in my heart I would have a hard time having children, but perhaps on the day I read that, I knew deep down the exact same thing was going to be my prevention too.
What I find most sad of all is that if we do go on to conceive, we pass on the code for what caused our infertility. On top of that, there are so many man-made chemicals these days that are putting children into puberty long before they should. I absolutely worry about what I passed on to my daughter. But I do find comfort in the fact that I can be proactive about ensuring I don't introduce unnecessary toxins into her by feeding her organic foods.
This isn't meant to be a Green post by any means. It is more of a post about how I am angry my fertility was taken from me before I even existed, YEARS before I existed. I am angry about the fact that I grew up knowing I would have a hard time getting pregnant. In fact, I remember the day I got my period. I was sooo excited, but that excitement was quickly smashed by the thought, "This doesn't mean you can get pregnant or have kids. You're still going to have a hard time." That day is still very vivid in my memory. I had no reason to think that either. I just knew.
I just pray that I am able to be proactive about saving my daughter from the same heartache I went through to bring her into this world. It is too bad I know why I'm infertile and can't do a dang thing about it.
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