As an infertile, I am no stranger to hopelessness. I have definitely been there and back, and I seem to remember burning the t-shirt. It has been a long time since I have been where I am now. That Beatles song keeps coming to mind, "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to speak with you again..."
Let me start off by saying the antidepressants are fabulous. Fantastic. More than I could ever hope for. But sometimes, all of the antidepressants and Valium in the world can't make life's problems go away. It can't make them better, and it can't make them change.
I have come to a point where I feel like I have talked everyone's ears off, and that if I keep talking through my problems with life, people are going to start turning away from me. They are just as tired of it as I am. But lately, it seems like no matter what I do, I can't get ahead. It is always one step forward, three steps back. The person whom I should be able to talk to just plain doesn't care right now. He feels that his plate is overflowing, and so can't be burdened with my problems. His plate is overflowing. So is mine. But I can't not support him. I can't shut him out. So I do what any good wife would do, and I try to take on his issues along with my own.
The truth is, I'm just not strong enough by myself to handle everything life is throwing at us. It seems that in my attempts to do so or to try to make things better, I only make them worse. My hope has been hanging on by a thread for almost a full year now, and we are worse off now than we were then. A year ago we had hope. We felt that the pieces of our lives would fall into place. We had faith. Everything had to work out. It didn't, and it hasn't.
I feel that I am at rock bottom right now. I feel very alone. Most of all, I see that glimmer of hope I had fading away. The last time I remember feeling this way was when we were undergoing infertility. I always wished that I could see the future to know what it was I needed to be doing to get where I needed to go. I find myself feeling that way again now. Do I even feel anymore, or am I so numb I just don't care?
I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what the outcome would be. I hate feeling like all I can do is plug along the best I can, all the while knowing that I just have to remember I did the best I could with the resources I had. How is this all going to work out?
This post is more a rambling from my brain than a blog post. I don't expect that anyone will read it. I just need to get my thoughts out to where I can see them. I need to be able to wrap my brain around them, dissect them, look for answers. Maybe try to find that little glimmer of hope that is so very near to being snuffed out.
Please God, help us. You have blessed us with an incredible baby, after years of heartache and pain. Now help us to take care of her.