Friday, October 16, 2009

Hope (Less)?

As an infertile, I am no stranger to hopelessness. I have definitely been there and back, and I seem to remember burning the t-shirt. It has been a long time since I have been where I am now. That Beatles song keeps coming to mind, "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to speak with you again..."

Let me start off by saying the antidepressants are fabulous. Fantastic. More than I could ever hope for. But sometimes, all of the antidepressants and Valium in the world can't make life's problems go away. It can't make them better, and it can't make them change.

I have come to a point where I feel like I have talked everyone's ears off, and that if I keep talking through my problems with life, people are going to start turning away from me. They are just as tired of it as I am. But lately, it seems like no matter what I do, I can't get ahead. It is always one step forward, three steps back. The person whom I should be able to talk to just plain doesn't care right now. He feels that his plate is overflowing, and so can't be burdened with my problems. His plate is overflowing. So is mine. But I can't not support him. I can't shut him out. So I do what any good wife would do, and I try to take on his issues along with my own.

The truth is, I'm just not strong enough by myself to handle everything life is throwing at us. It seems that in my attempts to do so or to try to make things better, I only make them worse. My hope has been hanging on by a thread for almost a full year now, and we are worse off now than we were then. A year ago we had hope. We felt that the pieces of our lives would fall into place. We had faith. Everything had to work out. It didn't, and it hasn't.

I feel that I am at rock bottom right now. I feel very alone. Most of all, I see that glimmer of hope I had fading away. The last time I remember feeling this way was when we were undergoing infertility. I always wished that I could see the future to know what it was I needed to be doing to get where I needed to go. I find myself feeling that way again now. Do I even feel anymore, or am I so numb I just don't care?

I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what the outcome would be. I hate feeling like all I can do is plug along the best I can, all the while knowing that I just have to remember I did the best I could with the resources I had. How is this all going to work out?

This post is more a rambling from my brain than a blog post. I don't expect that anyone will read it. I just need to get my thoughts out to where I can see them. I need to be able to wrap my brain around them, dissect them, look for answers. Maybe try to find that little glimmer of hope that is so very near to being snuffed out.

Please God, help us. You have blessed us with an incredible baby, after years of heartache and pain. Now help us to take care of her.

5 comments:

~Ifer said...

I am here, I read what you wrote, you can talk to me.

Hope will return, and in the meantime, my ears are permanently attached to my head, and I would like to see you TRY to talk them off ;)

Seriously, talk to me

Jill said...

Hi Saige, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.It must be so hard to finally have what you wanted so badly, your miracle baby, and still feel this way. My mother struggles with very serious depression and so while I can't know what you or she feels, I think I have much more sympathy and understanding than a lot of people. You always hear snap out of it or it's all in your head and I know it just doesn't work that way.

If you feel like you are overwhelmed, please talk to your doctor or therapist, or both. Maybe there is something more they can do, meds-wise. Have you talked to your husband to tell him you're drowning - that he has to help at this point? I know I don't understand your situation and I might be saying all the wrong things.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm thinking about you...please take care.

Life Happens said...

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before the Lord will pick us up. But remember that you are not alone. He is right there beside you and will carry you through your trials.

I will be praying for you and your family.

I have a blog award for you on my blog.

Hang in there! Keep the faith.

Potters said...

I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better. I know I don't and never will have the perfect thing to say. I can say however that I am here to listen whenever you need me.

Krystal said...

I'm so sorry that everything seems to be spiraling downward. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, and I'm certainly not trying to offend you, but know that God is ALWAYS listening. Even when you think He may be silent, He is there with a willing ear and shoulders to cry on. He cares so much for you and your life that He sent His only Son to die in your place. Just know that He is always there, whenever you need Him.

(((hugs)))