Tonight while I was washing bottles I reminisced over how perfect my life has been lately. How I feel like things are really going our way. I have a perfect marriage, we finally have the baby we tried for years to obtain, we have a beautiful house, two fantastic dogs, I have four new best friends, I love where I live, I love my job, and I have more friends than I have ever had in my life. It just all feels perfect.
So why then in those moments do I feel like the other shoe dropping is just around the corner? Why can't I just fully enjoy the ride at the moment? Its like when you're at the top of the roller coaster and as you go down the first drop you love the tickle in your tummy, but half way down the hill, you're ready for that feeling to stop already because it is too much. I kind of feel that way now, only I feel like I can't fully enjoy the tummy tickle because there has to be a catch somewhere.
Does anyone else do this, or is it just me?
Its almost like a voice that shushes me in my moment of glory.
As I sat down to write this post tonight, I remembered something that may be very important to my happiness, and it comes in a pill format. With that in mind, do I really need to worry about shushing my happiness to prevent the other shoe from dropping? Is that part of the reason I feel like my life is just so perfect? I am sure it is a big part of it. I want that to be the reason. I don't want it to be because the other shoe is about to drop and 2010 is going to be a bad year. The only thing I want for this next year that is out of my control is to conceive our second child and to have a healthy, full term pregnancy.
I obviously wish for the obvious things too, like a happy and healthy family, but those are givens.
I guess I will just have to continue living my life the way I do, to be happy in the moment and leave the rest up to God.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Gearing Up
Sorry I haven't been around the last few days. DH and I went to his grandpa's for Christmas and I haven't had internet access since we left Wednesday night. Well, I have, but it is via my phone, and while the technology is great, it still isn't that great yet. I did catch up on some blogs while I was away, but was unable to comment. As it is midnight, my catching up may have to wait until tomorrow. :( I did want to do a quick post tonight before turning in though.
Our Christmas this year was awesome. Of course the baby factor helped boost that through the roof. But in addition to that, I got some great gifts. DH finally bought me a Wi.i. I know, we are seriously behind the times. Those things came out like what, 4 years ago? I'm just glad we are finally joining the ranks. The funny thing is, he didn't want one because he didn't think he would play it. He bought me the console along with two games... and then he bought two games for him. HA! Not only that, but he has played it more than I have so far. I like to laugh at him for that.
Today I went out and bought the Wi.i fit because that is really what I wanted all along. I played a bunch of the games tonight and holy cow, they really do work you! I think this combined with joining Wei.ght Wat.chers at work and taking yoga classes at work will really help me finally shed my infertility weight. In addition to that, I am hoping it boosts our ability to conceive #2 when we're ready in just under two months.
When it comes to being back in the TTC #2 saddle, I can honestly say I am gearing up for the battle already. I have a stock of pregnancy tests and a stock of OPKs in my cupboard. Not only that, but I ordered vitamins today that supposedly help boost your conception ability. I'm hoping that with all of the steps I'm taking we won't end up back in the infertility chair again. I find that the closer I get to being able to get back on the horse, the more I want to be sure I'm ready. I've got to pack the saddle bags for the journey.
The sad thing is, I kind of feel my naivety creeping back in. The bitter infertile part of me has been pushed to the back of my brain for so long I feel giddy at our chances when we are ready to start trying again. That kind of scares me. I don't like being naive when it comes to this kind of thing. I enjoy having the thoughts, "Wouldn't it be great if we got pregnant almost right away?" But at the same time, the infertile in me wants to give myself a good slap across the cheek. Then I remind myself that I'm not back in the saddle yet and I just need to remember not to get too excited, but that it is okay to get a little excited. I just pray that my next journey on that horse is easier than the last one.
I know that our first month will be a throw away while my body gets used to not being on any form of birth control. The second month might be a throw away too, but only time will tell.
I guess we'll find out in a few month's time if R was right about his prediction for when we would conceive. All of his readings have been spot on so far.
That reminds me, I doubt anyone really notices, but I deleted all of my blog posts regarding my old friend. They're all gone! I came to the realization this weekend that I was completely over it. Every time a thought of her pops into my head, it is instantly snuffed out with an, "I just don't care." The frequency of my thoughts about her has dropped off to maybe one or two a day from a dozen or so a day. I no longer think about her, or care. Whenever I feel her trying to creep back in, I send out a vibe that says, "I don't care. I want you out of my life for good. Its over. Don't contact me. Don't think about me. We're DONE." This time, unlike every other time in the past, I mean it. It is so liberating!
Anyway, its almost 12:30, so I am going to run off to bed. I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. I hope you all had a wonderful, and safe Christmas.
But before I run away completely, I just want to give a shout out to Noelle and tell her congrats on her pregnancy! Keep your feet on the ground sweetie and your thoughts in the right place. This pregnancy will work!
P.S. My creepy BIL didn't make it to Christmas at grandpa's. Praise be to heaven, the day was PERFECT!
Our Christmas this year was awesome. Of course the baby factor helped boost that through the roof. But in addition to that, I got some great gifts. DH finally bought me a Wi.i. I know, we are seriously behind the times. Those things came out like what, 4 years ago? I'm just glad we are finally joining the ranks. The funny thing is, he didn't want one because he didn't think he would play it. He bought me the console along with two games... and then he bought two games for him. HA! Not only that, but he has played it more than I have so far. I like to laugh at him for that.
Today I went out and bought the Wi.i fit because that is really what I wanted all along. I played a bunch of the games tonight and holy cow, they really do work you! I think this combined with joining Wei.ght Wat.chers at work and taking yoga classes at work will really help me finally shed my infertility weight. In addition to that, I am hoping it boosts our ability to conceive #2 when we're ready in just under two months.
When it comes to being back in the TTC #2 saddle, I can honestly say I am gearing up for the battle already. I have a stock of pregnancy tests and a stock of OPKs in my cupboard. Not only that, but I ordered vitamins today that supposedly help boost your conception ability. I'm hoping that with all of the steps I'm taking we won't end up back in the infertility chair again. I find that the closer I get to being able to get back on the horse, the more I want to be sure I'm ready. I've got to pack the saddle bags for the journey.
The sad thing is, I kind of feel my naivety creeping back in. The bitter infertile part of me has been pushed to the back of my brain for so long I feel giddy at our chances when we are ready to start trying again. That kind of scares me. I don't like being naive when it comes to this kind of thing. I enjoy having the thoughts, "Wouldn't it be great if we got pregnant almost right away?" But at the same time, the infertile in me wants to give myself a good slap across the cheek. Then I remind myself that I'm not back in the saddle yet and I just need to remember not to get too excited, but that it is okay to get a little excited. I just pray that my next journey on that horse is easier than the last one.
I know that our first month will be a throw away while my body gets used to not being on any form of birth control. The second month might be a throw away too, but only time will tell.
I guess we'll find out in a few month's time if R was right about his prediction for when we would conceive. All of his readings have been spot on so far.
That reminds me, I doubt anyone really notices, but I deleted all of my blog posts regarding my old friend. They're all gone! I came to the realization this weekend that I was completely over it. Every time a thought of her pops into my head, it is instantly snuffed out with an, "I just don't care." The frequency of my thoughts about her has dropped off to maybe one or two a day from a dozen or so a day. I no longer think about her, or care. Whenever I feel her trying to creep back in, I send out a vibe that says, "I don't care. I want you out of my life for good. Its over. Don't contact me. Don't think about me. We're DONE." This time, unlike every other time in the past, I mean it. It is so liberating!
Anyway, its almost 12:30, so I am going to run off to bed. I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. I hope you all had a wonderful, and safe Christmas.
But before I run away completely, I just want to give a shout out to Noelle and tell her congrats on her pregnancy! Keep your feet on the ground sweetie and your thoughts in the right place. This pregnancy will work!
P.S. My creepy BIL didn't make it to Christmas at grandpa's. Praise be to heaven, the day was PERFECT!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Ahhh Shane....
Tonight for some reason a funny story from my past popped into my head and I decided it is totally worth sharing. I have said before that in my single days, I was a bit of a player. I loved the thrill of the chase when it came to guys. Once I had gotten them, I quickly got bored and moved onto my next kill. My average high school relationship was two weeks. Once I graduated, that number moved up to a nice, round five weeks. The record before I met my husband was seven months, followed by a few relationships that lasted a whole four months. My attention span was fickle and none of the guys I dated could fit the bill, until I met my husband. Needless to say, I dated a lot and left a few broken hearts out there.
I lost a few really good guy friends when I announced my engagement. Two of which were really hard to say goodbye to. I understood that they were both holding out hope I would one day come to my senses and realize the love of my life was right under my nose. I did love them both dearly, but not in a marriage way. One of them was an ex boyfriend whom I had dated for four months and then could never break the bond between us enough to let him go from my life forever. When I got engaged, however, he respectfully bowed out and told me he could no longer be my friend. I understood why, but it still broke my heart. We'd been good friends for years.
The other was a guy I met in my college internship, his name was Frank. He watched me hunt a delicious fellow in our office for months before finally snagging him. Frank always hoped that things with the other guy would fail so he could move in. Things did fail, and I moved on as I always did, but I never turned the eye to Frank that he wanted. Instead, I made him a dreaded best friend. This was during my senior year of college.
After graduating from college, I moved back home to find a job and start my life. I went back to my college town one weekend to visit a few friends, one of whom was Frank. I brought my current boyfriend, Shawn, with me, as well as my little brother's girlfriend. We spent the majority of our time with Frank. The first night we were at his house Shawn was talking to Frank, who of course thought Shawn was a twat. Frank interrupted Shawn:
Frank: Shane, let me tell you something....
Shawn: Its Shawn.
Frank: What?
Shawn: My name is Shawn.
Frank: Let me tell you something Shane. It doesn't matter what your name is because a month from now, Saige is going to get bored with you, dump you, and move on. And she's going to come to me and we're both going to think back on you and laugh.
I was flabbergasted! I couldn't help but laugh. I know it hurt Shawn's feelings, but it was like a scene right out of the movies. Not only that, but Frank was spot on. He knew me all too well. Within three weeks, Shawn had been kicked to the curb, and I was onto my next kill.
That story still makes me laugh to this day. I wonder if Shane still thinks about it....
I lost a few really good guy friends when I announced my engagement. Two of which were really hard to say goodbye to. I understood that they were both holding out hope I would one day come to my senses and realize the love of my life was right under my nose. I did love them both dearly, but not in a marriage way. One of them was an ex boyfriend whom I had dated for four months and then could never break the bond between us enough to let him go from my life forever. When I got engaged, however, he respectfully bowed out and told me he could no longer be my friend. I understood why, but it still broke my heart. We'd been good friends for years.
The other was a guy I met in my college internship, his name was Frank. He watched me hunt a delicious fellow in our office for months before finally snagging him. Frank always hoped that things with the other guy would fail so he could move in. Things did fail, and I moved on as I always did, but I never turned the eye to Frank that he wanted. Instead, I made him a dreaded best friend. This was during my senior year of college.
After graduating from college, I moved back home to find a job and start my life. I went back to my college town one weekend to visit a few friends, one of whom was Frank. I brought my current boyfriend, Shawn, with me, as well as my little brother's girlfriend. We spent the majority of our time with Frank. The first night we were at his house Shawn was talking to Frank, who of course thought Shawn was a twat. Frank interrupted Shawn:
Frank: Shane, let me tell you something....
Shawn: Its Shawn.
Frank: What?
Shawn: My name is Shawn.
Frank: Let me tell you something Shane. It doesn't matter what your name is because a month from now, Saige is going to get bored with you, dump you, and move on. And she's going to come to me and we're both going to think back on you and laugh.
I was flabbergasted! I couldn't help but laugh. I know it hurt Shawn's feelings, but it was like a scene right out of the movies. Not only that, but Frank was spot on. He knew me all too well. Within three weeks, Shawn had been kicked to the curb, and I was onto my next kill.
That story still makes me laugh to this day. I wonder if Shane still thinks about it....
Monday, December 21, 2009
What I Really Wanted to Write
So yesterday I didn't want to blog about my creepy BIL. I wanted to blog about something much more fun. I don't know about all of you, but the depressing posts are really bringing me down. I don't like being down, and I don't like writing things that are depressing. However, I really needed to get them off my chest so I could move on. Now that I have done that, we can move onto funner things!
First of all, I want to say I think what R and my dad did really worked! My optimism on that front increases daily. I think I am truly free this time! Whenever a thought about her pops into my head (which is getting more and more rare) I think, "I don't give a sh*t," and move onto the next thought. No dwelling, no feelings, nothing. Ptht! Gone!
Secondly, today rocked! Seriously rocked! I got all kinds of Christmas presents in the mail from my family (all of which are perched under the tree waiting for Christmas), four Christmas cards to hang on my railing (which now makes a baker's dozen), and had three guests show up. Today felt like Christmas. On top of which, I am currently on a two week vacation from work so I can spend time with the best present of all, my baby. The two of us had a mostly fun-filled day. Not to mention the weather is gorgeous.
I also found my little sticky note that had the list of things I wanted to blog about. I mentioned this in the blog that got deleted yesterday. I don't know if you remember that one or not. When I found the sticky note today, I realized it really didn't have anything of great importance on it after all, which made me laugh because I thought all of the bullet points on it were huge when I wrote them down.
There was one thing on there that I am really excited about though. Last week two emails hit my work inbox that got my toes tingling. The first was a teaser asking if anyone in the office would be interested in joining Wei.ght Wat.chers if the company brought them in. We would still have to pay for the membership, but it would be something we could work on while at work. I clicked the "Hell Yes!" button right away. (Okay, so it didn't say "Hell Yes," but I wish it had.) I am 20 lbs heaver than when I got married. 10 of that is my infertility weight still hanging around. I would love to get rid of it and go back to being a hot skinny chick again.
The other one that got me all in a dither was asking if anyone was interested in taking yoga classes AT WORK for 6 weeks during January and February. Again, I clicked the "Hell Yes!" button. I took yoga for a while when I was undergoing infertility treatments and I remember it left me feeling incredible. I had to stop for a couple of months after my laparoscopy to let my body heal, then DH and I moved, and I never found another class afterward. I love yoga. Did I mention this is going to take place AT WORK?! My employer has been looking for ways to boost morale and get their employees healthy. I think they are off to a good start. I love my job!
Anyway, it is almost midnight and I have a fun-filled day ahead of me tomorrow. Not to mention my melatonin kicked in about an hour ago. So I am going to bid you all sweet dreams now. :)
First of all, I want to say I think what R and my dad did really worked! My optimism on that front increases daily. I think I am truly free this time! Whenever a thought about her pops into my head (which is getting more and more rare) I think, "I don't give a sh*t," and move onto the next thought. No dwelling, no feelings, nothing. Ptht! Gone!
Secondly, today rocked! Seriously rocked! I got all kinds of Christmas presents in the mail from my family (all of which are perched under the tree waiting for Christmas), four Christmas cards to hang on my railing (which now makes a baker's dozen), and had three guests show up. Today felt like Christmas. On top of which, I am currently on a two week vacation from work so I can spend time with the best present of all, my baby. The two of us had a mostly fun-filled day. Not to mention the weather is gorgeous.
I also found my little sticky note that had the list of things I wanted to blog about. I mentioned this in the blog that got deleted yesterday. I don't know if you remember that one or not. When I found the sticky note today, I realized it really didn't have anything of great importance on it after all, which made me laugh because I thought all of the bullet points on it were huge when I wrote them down.
There was one thing on there that I am really excited about though. Last week two emails hit my work inbox that got my toes tingling. The first was a teaser asking if anyone in the office would be interested in joining Wei.ght Wat.chers if the company brought them in. We would still have to pay for the membership, but it would be something we could work on while at work. I clicked the "Hell Yes!" button right away. (Okay, so it didn't say "Hell Yes," but I wish it had.) I am 20 lbs heaver than when I got married. 10 of that is my infertility weight still hanging around. I would love to get rid of it and go back to being a hot skinny chick again.
The other one that got me all in a dither was asking if anyone was interested in taking yoga classes AT WORK for 6 weeks during January and February. Again, I clicked the "Hell Yes!" button. I took yoga for a while when I was undergoing infertility treatments and I remember it left me feeling incredible. I had to stop for a couple of months after my laparoscopy to let my body heal, then DH and I moved, and I never found another class afterward. I love yoga. Did I mention this is going to take place AT WORK?! My employer has been looking for ways to boost morale and get their employees healthy. I think they are off to a good start. I love my job!
Anyway, it is almost midnight and I have a fun-filled day ahead of me tomorrow. Not to mention my melatonin kicked in about an hour ago. So I am going to bid you all sweet dreams now. :)
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Pardon Me While I Scream
I just wrote up and published a post I am thinking I should have left up, but I deleted it, and now I wish I hadn't because at least it was somewhat funny. But then I remembered I actually had something to blog about. So here goes.
My husband has a half brother whom I have only met twice. Once before we were married and again on our wedding day. The guy kind of creeps me out. He's one of those dudes who pretends to be all smooth with the ladies, but he just makes you want to go burn your clothes and take a shower after he walks away. He and my husband do not get along. At all. I won't go into the details of their relationship beyond saying they don't talk. In fact, when we got married, I told my husband if we ever had kids, I didn't want his brother around them. EVER. I even went so far as to say I preferred our children to think DH was an only child, to which he agreed.
His brother has called my phone a few times since DH and I got married, in an attempt to talk to my husband. You would think that if DH didn't answer his phone that should be a sign your call is not wanted. The last time his brother called my phone and I answered, DH ripped him a new one and told him never to call my number again. Shortly after our baby was born, he called DH's phone and then mine and left a creepy message telling us congrats on the baby. I deleted it before it was over.
We have recently decided that we are going to spend this Christmas with DH's grandpa, who also dislikes DH's brother. So much so that when his brother talked to his grandpa at our wedding, his grandpa didn't so much as acknowledge his existence. It was harsh and awkward.
We were supposed to go spend Thanksgiving with his grandpa, but the baby got really sick the day we were supposed to head down, and the doctor told us we absolutely should not expose his grandpa to the baby. We found out on Thanksgiving that DH's brother was there and both of us thanked God and the baby that she had gotten us out of going.
When we decided to go for Christmas, my stupid brain didn't even think about the possibility that DH's brother would be there... until Friday when I got an email from my MIL asking if we could please stop on our way down and pick him up.
I was seriously repulsed! Something I had been looking forward to turned into something I no longer wanted to do. If it wasn't for the fact we think it his grandpa's last Christmas, I would bail. Not only that, but I don't want the guy around my child! I don't want him touching her or looking at her. I don't want her to know he exists! And then to think of him sitting in my car with my baby?!?!?! I'd rather drive off a cliff!
I sent the email to DH and he told me to reply that we weren't going that way to his grandpa's, so I did. Then on Saturday I saw a new email from my MIL asking if we could please take DH's brother home from his grandpa's, since I had already told her we were probably going that way to visit DH's friends on our way home. I looked at DH and told him HE needed to address this. Its HIS mother and HIS brother, so HE needs to take care of it. I am not going to do that dirty work for him. I wouldn't expect him to do it if the tables were turned, so he needs to do it. I also told him that if his brother does come for Christmas and asks at any point in time to hold the baby or do anything with her, he has to step up IMMEDIATELY and tell him no. I told him it isn't my brother, so it is HIS job to keep his brother at bay.
As much as I wish his brother wasn't going to be there, and as much as I don't want the guy touching my child, I know both things are inevitable, which chaps my hide. I just might be taking my bottle of Xan.ex down there with me. I have very unfortunate family connections by marriage. *sigh*
Anyway, I just needed to vent that out to the bloggosphere in hopes that somehow the universe will keep his brother from showing up this Christmas. I am amazed his grandpa is allowing it, considering he ignores the guy's existence. Hopefully he won't be around very much... please God....
My husband has a half brother whom I have only met twice. Once before we were married and again on our wedding day. The guy kind of creeps me out. He's one of those dudes who pretends to be all smooth with the ladies, but he just makes you want to go burn your clothes and take a shower after he walks away. He and my husband do not get along. At all. I won't go into the details of their relationship beyond saying they don't talk. In fact, when we got married, I told my husband if we ever had kids, I didn't want his brother around them. EVER. I even went so far as to say I preferred our children to think DH was an only child, to which he agreed.
His brother has called my phone a few times since DH and I got married, in an attempt to talk to my husband. You would think that if DH didn't answer his phone that should be a sign your call is not wanted. The last time his brother called my phone and I answered, DH ripped him a new one and told him never to call my number again. Shortly after our baby was born, he called DH's phone and then mine and left a creepy message telling us congrats on the baby. I deleted it before it was over.
We have recently decided that we are going to spend this Christmas with DH's grandpa, who also dislikes DH's brother. So much so that when his brother talked to his grandpa at our wedding, his grandpa didn't so much as acknowledge his existence. It was harsh and awkward.
We were supposed to go spend Thanksgiving with his grandpa, but the baby got really sick the day we were supposed to head down, and the doctor told us we absolutely should not expose his grandpa to the baby. We found out on Thanksgiving that DH's brother was there and both of us thanked God and the baby that she had gotten us out of going.
When we decided to go for Christmas, my stupid brain didn't even think about the possibility that DH's brother would be there... until Friday when I got an email from my MIL asking if we could please stop on our way down and pick him up.
I was seriously repulsed! Something I had been looking forward to turned into something I no longer wanted to do. If it wasn't for the fact we think it his grandpa's last Christmas, I would bail. Not only that, but I don't want the guy around my child! I don't want him touching her or looking at her. I don't want her to know he exists! And then to think of him sitting in my car with my baby?!?!?! I'd rather drive off a cliff!
I sent the email to DH and he told me to reply that we weren't going that way to his grandpa's, so I did. Then on Saturday I saw a new email from my MIL asking if we could please take DH's brother home from his grandpa's, since I had already told her we were probably going that way to visit DH's friends on our way home. I looked at DH and told him HE needed to address this. Its HIS mother and HIS brother, so HE needs to take care of it. I am not going to do that dirty work for him. I wouldn't expect him to do it if the tables were turned, so he needs to do it. I also told him that if his brother does come for Christmas and asks at any point in time to hold the baby or do anything with her, he has to step up IMMEDIATELY and tell him no. I told him it isn't my brother, so it is HIS job to keep his brother at bay.
As much as I wish his brother wasn't going to be there, and as much as I don't want the guy touching my child, I know both things are inevitable, which chaps my hide. I just might be taking my bottle of Xan.ex down there with me. I have very unfortunate family connections by marriage. *sigh*
Anyway, I just needed to vent that out to the bloggosphere in hopes that somehow the universe will keep his brother from showing up this Christmas. I am amazed his grandpa is allowing it, considering he ignores the guy's existence. Hopefully he won't be around very much... please God....
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Free?
I am cautiously looking out of my bomb shelter to determine if I have yet won the war. I've been here once before, thought the way was clear and it was safe to come out only to have more bombs dropped on my door step. But this time it feels different. I don't hear anything. I don't see anything. I feel a sense of calm that I didn't before. Have I finally won? I have I really, honest to God won?
I think so!
I have been trying to update my blog for days now, but I have been so incredibly busy at work and at home that I haven't had time. I have been wanting and craving to write this post for days. I have so much to tell.
My reading with R was last Saturday. For the next two days, I moped around wondering how I was ever going to let go of things well enough to call it quits and have B contact me. I ached for the day, but reminded myself I had a few months to go yet. Every time I thought of her, I wondered if she was thinking of me in that moment too....
Then something changed. It was like a twig snapped in the silence and it changed everything within me. I began to notice that I was exhibiting anger. I was being short of patience with everything and everyone, which is very out of character for me lately. By Wednesday the anger was out of control. I was seething. I yelled at a complete stranger in a parking lot for being inconsiderate. Yes, she deserved to be yelled at, but I am never the person to call out complete strangers for lack of consideration. Not only did I yell at her, I did it twice!
I couldn't take it anymore, so I texted my dad and told him what was going on. I told him I was angry and I had no idea why. He texted me back, or so I thought he did, and told me to sink into the feeling to determine where it started. I angrily texted back, "B. I'm sick of this! I want it to be over and I want her gone. I don't want to talk to her. I don't care if she is going through crap. I want her to quit sending me vibes and go the crap away for good. I've had it!" I sat for a few seconds, almost shaking with rage. I sent my husband an email and asked if anger was part of the grieving process. He replied that it was. I had never been so angry about all of this.
I was about to text my dad again when I realized I had sent my last reply to R. I was shocked and thought, "Oh sh*t! Did I send the first text to R too?" When I looked, I had indeed sent it to my dad, but R replied. This is how our conversation went:
R: The anger is hers as well.
Me: Can I give it back? I don't want it. I want nothing to do with her. I just want to move on with my life. I yelled at a stranger today. I don't yell at strangers. How do I break the bond?
R: How strange was the stranger? (I laughed and caught his double entendre.)
Me: LOL! She was in her car on the phone and blocked the path between the store and the parking lot, so I yelled at her. Then she drove down the aisle my car was on, I yelled at her again. I am not a confrontational person.
R: Did you explain that to the officer?
Me: The one who took her to jail?
R: So you're saying that B has been put away in a safe place for good.
Me: I want her to be. How do I make her stay there? How do I cut the bond?
R: Throw away the key.
R then called me, but I was stuck in a work meeting and asked if I could call him back later. During this time, I felt my rage subsiding. I realized it was all a part of the grieving process that I had not yet been through before. I prayed that this was the final step toward my freedom. I then started envisioning the bond between B and I as a piece of skin that held us together. I took a knife to it and began cutting us apart. I knew it would take most of the day to make it through.
My husband suggested I go get a massage that night to help me relax, also to keep me from taking any of it out on him. Wise. Very wise. So I did. But before I left the office that evening, I knew something had changed. I felt different. My rage was gone, but so was the ache, the pain, the desire to peek in the windows of B's life. All of it was gone.
When I got home after my massage that night, I sat with my daughter while she was in her swing and envisioned making it through the last of the bond. I had cut all of the way through it. I called my dad and we walked through another visual that is now safely resting in the garbage can outside my house waiting for pickup next week.
Since Wednesday my only thoughts have been that it is over. I don't ache, I don't wonder what B is up to. I don't wonder how she is doing as a new mother. None of those thoughts invoke emotion or mental pictures anymore. When I think about her now, I think about how it is over and I am finally free. There is no more bond. It feels completely different this time than it has ever felt before. I'm praying this is it. I don't want contact. I don't want the bond. I want her gone for good.
I wish her all the best in her life and pray that she is happy. She deserves to be happy. I deserve the be happy to, and in order for that to happen, I need to move on from her. I'm praying this is where my happy ending starts.
I think so!
I have been trying to update my blog for days now, but I have been so incredibly busy at work and at home that I haven't had time. I have been wanting and craving to write this post for days. I have so much to tell.
My reading with R was last Saturday. For the next two days, I moped around wondering how I was ever going to let go of things well enough to call it quits and have B contact me. I ached for the day, but reminded myself I had a few months to go yet. Every time I thought of her, I wondered if she was thinking of me in that moment too....
Then something changed. It was like a twig snapped in the silence and it changed everything within me. I began to notice that I was exhibiting anger. I was being short of patience with everything and everyone, which is very out of character for me lately. By Wednesday the anger was out of control. I was seething. I yelled at a complete stranger in a parking lot for being inconsiderate. Yes, she deserved to be yelled at, but I am never the person to call out complete strangers for lack of consideration. Not only did I yell at her, I did it twice!
I couldn't take it anymore, so I texted my dad and told him what was going on. I told him I was angry and I had no idea why. He texted me back, or so I thought he did, and told me to sink into the feeling to determine where it started. I angrily texted back, "B. I'm sick of this! I want it to be over and I want her gone. I don't want to talk to her. I don't care if she is going through crap. I want her to quit sending me vibes and go the crap away for good. I've had it!" I sat for a few seconds, almost shaking with rage. I sent my husband an email and asked if anger was part of the grieving process. He replied that it was. I had never been so angry about all of this.
I was about to text my dad again when I realized I had sent my last reply to R. I was shocked and thought, "Oh sh*t! Did I send the first text to R too?" When I looked, I had indeed sent it to my dad, but R replied. This is how our conversation went:
R: The anger is hers as well.
Me: Can I give it back? I don't want it. I want nothing to do with her. I just want to move on with my life. I yelled at a stranger today. I don't yell at strangers. How do I break the bond?
R: How strange was the stranger? (I laughed and caught his double entendre.)
Me: LOL! She was in her car on the phone and blocked the path between the store and the parking lot, so I yelled at her. Then she drove down the aisle my car was on, I yelled at her again. I am not a confrontational person.
R: Did you explain that to the officer?
Me: The one who took her to jail?
R: So you're saying that B has been put away in a safe place for good.
Me: I want her to be. How do I make her stay there? How do I cut the bond?
R: Throw away the key.
R then called me, but I was stuck in a work meeting and asked if I could call him back later. During this time, I felt my rage subsiding. I realized it was all a part of the grieving process that I had not yet been through before. I prayed that this was the final step toward my freedom. I then started envisioning the bond between B and I as a piece of skin that held us together. I took a knife to it and began cutting us apart. I knew it would take most of the day to make it through.
My husband suggested I go get a massage that night to help me relax, also to keep me from taking any of it out on him. Wise. Very wise. So I did. But before I left the office that evening, I knew something had changed. I felt different. My rage was gone, but so was the ache, the pain, the desire to peek in the windows of B's life. All of it was gone.
When I got home after my massage that night, I sat with my daughter while she was in her swing and envisioned making it through the last of the bond. I had cut all of the way through it. I called my dad and we walked through another visual that is now safely resting in the garbage can outside my house waiting for pickup next week.
Since Wednesday my only thoughts have been that it is over. I don't ache, I don't wonder what B is up to. I don't wonder how she is doing as a new mother. None of those thoughts invoke emotion or mental pictures anymore. When I think about her now, I think about how it is over and I am finally free. There is no more bond. It feels completely different this time than it has ever felt before. I'm praying this is it. I don't want contact. I don't want the bond. I want her gone for good.
I wish her all the best in her life and pray that she is happy. She deserves to be happy. I deserve the be happy to, and in order for that to happen, I need to move on from her. I'm praying this is where my happy ending starts.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
There is Value
A while back, maybe last week or the week before, ~Ifer, from The Mind of ~Ifer, generously bestowed upon me the Valued Blogger Award. I was very touched by what she had to say about me and my value as a blogger. I find her every bit as valuable as she finds me. Thanks ~Ifer! (I even put the squiggly!)
This award is not like all of the other blog awards because we all want to not only know about you, but your opinion of your fellow bloggers. So, without further ado, I present you with the rules.
This award is not like all of the other blog awards because we all want to not only know about you, but your opinion of your fellow bloggers. So, without further ado, I present you with the rules.
- Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.
- Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.
- Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.
That's it. Those are the rules. Now, before you think you can give the old line, "I don't want to pick anyone to pass this award onto because I don't want my readers to feel hurt if I don't pick them, so consider yourselves all tagged" I want you to realize that excuse tells all of your blog friends that you are wimping out, amongst other things. ;)
Don't feel bad that you can't award everyone, the award will make its rounds and eventually everyone will get it. If you feel bad enough, you can always award more than 5 bloggers.This award was started in December because it is the season of giving and bringing cheer to others. What better way to do that than to let the people in our lives know that we cherish them.
I seriously love this award. I have yet to find a recipient who hasn't been touched to receive it.
So, here is my reason for blogging!
As I have mentioned before, this blog is my secondary blog. My primary blog is more of a chronicle of my day-to-day life where I fight the battle against infertility and bite my thumb in its face. However, all of my family and friends in real life know about that blog and there are things going on in my personal life that I don't want them to know about, but that I am completely okay with sharing with complete strangers. Thus began the birth of this blog. It is my secret little hiding place from everyone IRL. The outlet I need to express feelings I don't need everyone knowing. This blog is more about the battle against the thoughts in my head and with the feelings and emotions I no longer want to deal with. This is their dumping ground. But like my primary blog, I choose to use my experiences to not only benefit me, but also to help uplift others. Let them know that they are not alone in their struggles. I have an almost completely different set of blog friends here, and you all serve a different purpose, just as I serve a different purpose for all of you than I do those on my primary blog. I feel warm and cozy here and safe in my little cocoon.
Now for the fun part - passing on the award! I hereby bestow this golden award upon (in the order of who updated last):
- Noelle, from The Desire of My Heart - Noelle came into my life during my first time participating in ICLW. I remember her first comment was so sweet and sincere. I instantly felt a warmth toward her. She is a very strong woman who has been through the ringer this past year. Through her blog I have watched her try to pick herself up from a very tough situation and try to turn things around so she can move forward. It hasn't been an easy journey, but she keeps on pushing forward. I am very proud of her and glad that our blog paths crossed. She is a very sweet girl with so much to offer.
- AnxiousMummy - I seriously love the ever adorable Anxious Mummy! She is an absolute trooper on my blog. She reads every mundane post and leaves the most beautiful comments that always make me smile, and always make me feel better when the going is rough. She and I are in somewhat similar situations. We both overcame infertility and are mothers trying and waiting for our next, and we are both scared to try for the next due to our histories in baby making. I think she found me during an ICLW, and once again, I am glad she did. She has made this journey easier to bear and I appreciate all of her words of encouragement.
- Sass, from Secret Life of Sass and Lex - How anyone could come across Sass and not be an instant follower is beyond me. She is so stinking adorable and perky. Even the posts where she seems to be having a rough go seem upbeat to me. Perhaps she doesn't feel that way, but with the picture of her sticking her tongue out in her header, I can't help but take her posts any other way. I love her posts about her dog, Moo, and their relationship. There is nothing like a good dog! Sass, I'm glad you're in my blog world!
- Hannah, from Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans - Hannah is a sweet, gentle woman whom I came across during ICLW. The first time I set eyes on her blog I was hooked. She is so cute, and once again, I feel like her posts are always so positive. I was following along as she underwent her first IVF. I couldn't believe how quickly she picked herself back up when it didn't work out. She is a wonderful example of endurance. Not to mention she is a wonderful aunt to two gorgeous little girls whom she adores so very much. I feel blessed to have stumbled across her blog.
- Jill, from Hubby, Baby and Me... Would Make 3 - I kind of feel a little bit bad about awarding Jill right now because she just lost a loved one who was very close and dear to her heart. I don't want you to think in any way that I am trying to diminish your pain. I rather hope that it helps boost your spirits a little. Don't feel bad if you don't pass on this award Jill. Just know that I am thinking about you. Jill is another amazing woman who has overcome her battle against infertility and after a loss. I was lucky enough to join her on her journey to motherhood just as it began. I wish you all the best of luck with your pregnancy and look forward to following along with your symptoms over the coming months.
All right ladies, you have all been awarded. It is now your turn to pass on the award and warm fuzzies to some of your valued blog friends.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Head Conversations
Do you ever have conversations with other people in your head? More specifically negative conversations so that if the opportunity arises where you have to go to verbal battle, you are prepared.
Saturday my BF S and I were going shopping and had a conversation about this. She asked if I ever did that and I told her I absolutely did. The biggest reason I do is because I am not a confrontational person, so if the need arises where I need to defend myself, I want to be ready. I want to have my quiver full of insults and sharp words to fling back ready in the exact moment they are needed.
My biggest inner battle is between me and a woman I call "Crazy Dog Lady." I blogged about her twice when I first started this blog because I was in absolute shock that the whole thing had taken place at all, and then proud of myself for sticking up for me and every other dog owner who walks on the trail where I encountered her.
If you want a bit of fun reading, you can read all about "CDL" here (part 1) and here (part 2).
I still have conversation battles in my head with this woman because there is a very real possibility of coming across her every time I set foot outside my house. I swear I have never met anyone like her and hope to never meet anyone like her again.
Do you have head conversations? Or are S and I just that weird?
Saturday my BF S and I were going shopping and had a conversation about this. She asked if I ever did that and I told her I absolutely did. The biggest reason I do is because I am not a confrontational person, so if the need arises where I need to defend myself, I want to be ready. I want to have my quiver full of insults and sharp words to fling back ready in the exact moment they are needed.
My biggest inner battle is between me and a woman I call "Crazy Dog Lady." I blogged about her twice when I first started this blog because I was in absolute shock that the whole thing had taken place at all, and then proud of myself for sticking up for me and every other dog owner who walks on the trail where I encountered her.
If you want a bit of fun reading, you can read all about "CDL" here (part 1) and here (part 2).
I still have conversation battles in my head with this woman because there is a very real possibility of coming across her every time I set foot outside my house. I swear I have never met anyone like her and hope to never meet anyone like her again.
Do you have head conversations? Or are S and I just that weird?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
ROFL
In response to bullet point #5 of my post below, I did in fact get the exact lecture # I thought I would when I talked to my MIL today. I had to bite my cheeks to keep from laughing. She did add a newer lecture though:
Lecture #2,343,653 - Always go with your motherly instincts. Don't ever second guess yourself. As a new mother you will tend to second guess what needs to be done for your baby, but you should always go with your gut.... blah blah blah... swine flu... blah blah blah....
Just for the record, I don't second guess my motherly instinct. I'm smarter than that. 99 times out of 100, my instincts are spot on, so I trust them with my life... literally.
Good times.
Lecture #2,343,653 - Always go with your motherly instincts. Don't ever second guess yourself. As a new mother you will tend to second guess what needs to be done for your baby, but you should always go with your gut.... blah blah blah... swine flu... blah blah blah....
Just for the record, I don't second guess my motherly instinct. I'm smarter than that. 99 times out of 100, my instincts are spot on, so I trust them with my life... literally.
Good times.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Random
I wanted to do a blog post but wasn't sure what to post about, so I'll do a random, bullet point post, for your reading pleasure.
- Today I had good old fashioned Texas pit BBQ for lunch. It was sooo tasty. Being the loving, doting wife that I am, I got a bunch of meat to bring home for DH, who is a native Texan and a huge fan of the place I ate. I got 1 lb of sirloin, and 1/2 lb of sausage. I barely ate any of it before I was full. It was a $34 lunch. DH was very excited to see what I had brought home for him. It must be love. I smelled like BBQ for the rest of the day. In fact, even though I took a shower, I think I can still smell the BBQ smoke in my hair.
- The burning desire to write the letter to my friend has ebbed like the tide. I know the desire will erupt again at some point, which is when I will sit down to sort out my thoughts. In the meantime, I have gone back to the way I am 98% of the time and haven't even looked at her blog since I last posted about her on mine.
- The ci.talopram is great, but I think it turned off my worry mechanism, which is a bad thing. My ability to worry is what keeps me in check with regards to my spending and making sure the little things in my life are taken care of. DH doesn't see this as a problem at all. He will when my credit card statement comes!
- I haven't been to the shrink in a while because I couldn't afford it with everything else that was going on in my life, mainly the fact that my car kept needing repairs, new tires, and a new paint job. I will probably start going back in January, as I will be back in the TTC saddle in February and need an outlet for any stresses or fears that arrise with getting back on that ride.
- We had plans to go to DH's grandpa's for Christmas, but I think we're going to have to back out, as my baby keeps getting sick from daycare. A cold from her could be the end of him, and I'm not okay with that. I get to make the call to my MIL tomorrow. I can't wait. *blank stare* I wonder what lecture number she will pull out for that phone call.
Lecture #4,343,212 - Well, I think you need to call dad and let him know yourself. If he's planning on you.... blah blah blah.... I guess I'll never get to see my grandbaby because dad is going to kick it any day, so there will be no reason... blah blah blah... You make sure you get her to the doctor immediately... blah blah blah... swine flu.... blah blah blah. - While I feel slightly bad about writing the above, it is only about this - much. We haven't had the best relationship the past couple years, and since becoming a mother I've been trying to fix that. I like to think she is too, but she sure can get under my skin. I'm working on it....
- Its bedtime. Heck, its past bedtime. So I'm going to put down my computer and get some sleep because I want to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed to go shopping with my best friend S tomorrow. We have much catching up to do, which requires me to be alert.
Sweet dreams!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Sending Love
If you don't already follow Sass's blog "The Secret Life of Sass & Lex," I would ask that you please stop by and offer up love and support to her, as she just recieved some difficult news regarding the health of her gradmother.
Dear Sass, you are very much in my thoughts and prayers.
All my love and hugs!
Dear Sass, you are very much in my thoughts and prayers.
All my love and hugs!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Rotten Tomatoes
A recent post by Noelle at The Desire of My Heart got me to thinking about all of the people I have wanted to throw rotten tomatoes at during my years of battling infertility. There is one that really sticks out in my mind, and no, I am not talking about my old friend. Although apparently I was not that great at choosing bosom buddies in my youth.
No, no, this friend was worse. The first time I ever saw her, I instantly disliked her (this was back in my more judgemental high school days). I didn't want anything to do with her. I thought she was annoying and stupid. Long story short, we became best friends. I'll leave out most of the details, but she moved away our senior year of high school and we managed to keep touch throughout the years. When we were 23 years old, she moved back on her own. We started hanging out and partying. It was like the old days again.
I told her I was not ready to get married and settle down. I was enjoying the single life too much. As I've mentioned previously, I was a bit of a player. She told me she felt the exact same way. A few months later she met a guy. Three weeks later they were engaged. Two and a half months later they were married. My opinion of her went down like an a-bomb. She had reverted back to being silly and stupid. Apparently she only agreed with me because she was afraid she would never get married. *major eye roll here* So she married the first guy that came along.
Anyhow, she tried to get pregnant for a few months, and the next time I saw her was at a funeral. She was five months pregnant at the time and I was newly married. She sat there and boo-hooed to me about how they had tried for six whole entire months to get pregnant and she had given up when it happened. If I knew what I was in for with my infertility adventures at that time, I would have slapped her silly. I do recall rolling my eyes at her.
About a year and a half later, I was deep in infertility treatments, and she was made aware of this. As most people I knew at the time intended to do when I told them what I was going through, she panicked and decided she needed to start trying to have a baby ASAP to prove she wasn't infertile.
One day she called me out of the blue, crying because she had been trying for three whole months to get pregnant without success. She told me she had made an appointment with a fertility specialist and she was calling to talk to me because she just knew I would understand what she was going through. I didn't. I was angry that she had called to whine to me. I basically told her to stuff it, offered her zero comfort, and gave her a less than half-hearted "good luck" before hanging up with her.
By the time her appointment rolled around, she was two months pregnant. Shocker. I wanted to smack her into next month.
We next talked when I happened to be 10 weeks pregnant. She was all "excited" for me, but when I told her how early I was she told me that I could still miscarry. B****. I thanked her for her concern and told her I had to go.
She recently wrote on my wall on FB to tell me that she is not only pregnant again, but that it is with twins. *add horrible acting where I pretend to jump up and down with glee whilst clapping my hands and bobbing my head from side to side then suddenly stop, give a dirtily look, and flip the bird* Good for you sweetie. Good for you. :
Let me pretend I care.... Nope, can't do it.
At her I throw rotten tomatoes. Many, many tomatoes.
Now tell me if any of you have a story in which you have wished to throw rotten tomatoes at someone so insensitive in your life. Here's your chance to fling a big, juicy, rotting off the vine tomato in the face of someone who deserves it so very much. Fling away friends!
No, no, this friend was worse. The first time I ever saw her, I instantly disliked her (this was back in my more judgemental high school days). I didn't want anything to do with her. I thought she was annoying and stupid. Long story short, we became best friends. I'll leave out most of the details, but she moved away our senior year of high school and we managed to keep touch throughout the years. When we were 23 years old, she moved back on her own. We started hanging out and partying. It was like the old days again.
I told her I was not ready to get married and settle down. I was enjoying the single life too much. As I've mentioned previously, I was a bit of a player. She told me she felt the exact same way. A few months later she met a guy. Three weeks later they were engaged. Two and a half months later they were married. My opinion of her went down like an a-bomb. She had reverted back to being silly and stupid. Apparently she only agreed with me because she was afraid she would never get married. *major eye roll here* So she married the first guy that came along.
Anyhow, she tried to get pregnant for a few months, and the next time I saw her was at a funeral. She was five months pregnant at the time and I was newly married. She sat there and boo-hooed to me about how they had tried for six whole entire months to get pregnant and she had given up when it happened. If I knew what I was in for with my infertility adventures at that time, I would have slapped her silly. I do recall rolling my eyes at her.
About a year and a half later, I was deep in infertility treatments, and she was made aware of this. As most people I knew at the time intended to do when I told them what I was going through, she panicked and decided she needed to start trying to have a baby ASAP to prove she wasn't infertile.
One day she called me out of the blue, crying because she had been trying for three whole months to get pregnant without success. She told me she had made an appointment with a fertility specialist and she was calling to talk to me because she just knew I would understand what she was going through. I didn't. I was angry that she had called to whine to me. I basically told her to stuff it, offered her zero comfort, and gave her a less than half-hearted "good luck" before hanging up with her.
By the time her appointment rolled around, she was two months pregnant. Shocker. I wanted to smack her into next month.
We next talked when I happened to be 10 weeks pregnant. She was all "excited" for me, but when I told her how early I was she told me that I could still miscarry. B****. I thanked her for her concern and told her I had to go.
She recently wrote on my wall on FB to tell me that she is not only pregnant again, but that it is with twins. *add horrible acting where I pretend to jump up and down with glee whilst clapping my hands and bobbing my head from side to side then suddenly stop, give a dirtily look, and flip the bird* Good for you sweetie. Good for you. :
Let me pretend I care.... Nope, can't do it.
At her I throw rotten tomatoes. Many, many tomatoes.
Now tell me if any of you have a story in which you have wished to throw rotten tomatoes at someone so insensitive in your life. Here's your chance to fling a big, juicy, rotting off the vine tomato in the face of someone who deserves it so very much. Fling away friends!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I Love You Long Time
All right friends, here's the skinny. Depression happens to run very much on my dad's side of the family... along with anxiety. (What is it with the double wammies? Endo+PCOS. Depression+Anxiety). As you can imagine, I've been on the whole range of anti-deps and anti-anxiety pills over the years. Tried them all, hated them all... until now. When I was battling PPD my dad told me he had gotten on cit.alopram and had been on it for a couple of years. He had all of the same side effects I did while on all of the other meds, and told me this one didn't give him any. He also told me it gave him a longer fuse, so things tended to upset him a lot less.
I went to my (now) old GP and asked for the prescription by name a few months ago. She told me she wanted to put me on wel.butrin and I told her I didn't want that. Especially as she said it could make my panic attacks worse. When I started seeing the shrink shortly after that appointment, she recommended me to a new GP who didn't hesitate to give me exactly what I asked for. The first couple weeks were fantastic. I could literally feel the effects of it on my brain. Then the dose quit working and I had to double it.
I have been on 40 mgs of cit.alopram for about 4 months now and I LOVE the stuff. I take it before bed because it helps me sleep, and then I get to enjoy all of the positive effects during the day. I can't believe how happy it has made me. I look back and wonder why the deuce I waited so long to get on it. Not only does it affect me, but it also affects everyone around me. I am so much happier, which in turn makes everyone else happier, including my dogs.
In addition to that, my fuse is almost non-existent. You know how they say don't sweat the small stuff? I don't anymore. I just don't care. I'm too happy to care.
I have to say, I used to be a slightly shy person before, but since I have been on this magic pill, I have been so outgoing its crazy. I'm making new friends left and right. Apparently they also use this medication for people with social anxiety. I can see why.
Do I recommend it? ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY!
I went to my (now) old GP and asked for the prescription by name a few months ago. She told me she wanted to put me on wel.butrin and I told her I didn't want that. Especially as she said it could make my panic attacks worse. When I started seeing the shrink shortly after that appointment, she recommended me to a new GP who didn't hesitate to give me exactly what I asked for. The first couple weeks were fantastic. I could literally feel the effects of it on my brain. Then the dose quit working and I had to double it.
I have been on 40 mgs of cit.alopram for about 4 months now and I LOVE the stuff. I take it before bed because it helps me sleep, and then I get to enjoy all of the positive effects during the day. I can't believe how happy it has made me. I look back and wonder why the deuce I waited so long to get on it. Not only does it affect me, but it also affects everyone around me. I am so much happier, which in turn makes everyone else happier, including my dogs.
In addition to that, my fuse is almost non-existent. You know how they say don't sweat the small stuff? I don't anymore. I just don't care. I'm too happy to care.
I have to say, I used to be a slightly shy person before, but since I have been on this magic pill, I have been so outgoing its crazy. I'm making new friends left and right. Apparently they also use this medication for people with social anxiety. I can see why.
Do I recommend it? ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY!
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