Sunday, February 21, 2010


If you are stopping by for ICLW, I have to admit up front I am regretting signing up this month. When I did, I thought my life would be in such a different place. I had no idea at that time how much my world was going to be turned on its head just days before this week was supposed to arrive.

I started this blog when I began going through problems I didn't want everyone in my real life knowing about, mainly post partum depression. This is actually my secondary and anonymous blog. In my main blog I am very open and honest about my struggles with infertility, but everyone in my real like has the link to it, and I didn't want them all to see what was really behind the ever-strong facade. I needed an outlet and a support group for my PPD, and I already knew how therapeutic blogging was in regard to getting out feelings and emotions, as well as getting support from women who have been or are where I am.

After years of infertility treatments and being put through the ringer, my husband and I finally conceived and had a beautiful baby girl a year ago. During our battle against infertility, I had undergone surgery to remove extensive endometriosis, had ovarian drilling performed, and had a septum removed from my uterus. The latter was a surprise from my doctor to my husband and I, as he didn't ask either of us if we wanted it done before diving in with his scalpel. His decision has now left us facing the reality that I may not be able to have more children, and if I do, I put my life at risk.

That procedure created scar tissue that my daughter implanted into during my pregnancy with her. Somewhere around the end of the second trimester I began to have regular contractions, but without the cramping. More than 10 in an hour, 24 hours a day. My current doctor attributed it to a cranky uterus. On the day of my c-section, we found that my daughter's placenta had been pushing its way through the uterine wall with each contraction and had poked a hole all of the way through the muscle to the outside of the uterus in what is known as a uterine rupture.

My doctor repaired the rupture, and we were forced to take a year of TTC while we hoped and prayed everything would heal well enough that we could attempt another pregnancy, all the while knowing another one would be considered high risk right out of the gate and knowing all of the potential risks and complications.

On Friday of last week I went to find how things had healed. I fully expected everything to be fine, and to be back at TTC. Instead I got the news that I may be done having children. The rupture did not heal correctly. We are currently exploring our options for continuing to build our family, the first of which is surgery to fix my uterus. However, our risks of another rupture during a pregnancy have gone up dramatically, leaving us wondering if we dare to try.

The past few days have been like a bad nightmare that I am still trying to sort my way through. I haven't been reading or commenting on the blogs I do follow because I just don't have the headspace to be the support and love I always try to be to my blogfriends. Right now I am trying to adjust to my new reality and only posting to help keep myself sane. I sincerely apologize if you are here for ICLW. Normally I am very excited for ICLW, and I look forward to finding new blogs where I can join in your journey and help uplift you, but right now I am trying to sort out the hand that God has dealt me.

I wish you all the best and hope you find many wonderful blogs to read and follow during this exciting week.

Much love,

P.S. Not sure who put my blogs into LFCA, but thanks to whomever did. Also, it took the cat out of the bag as to where my primary blog is located. lol! I am both Chelle and Saige. Just don't let my MIL know. :D


Giving Up A Dream said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My prayers are with you that you will have peace with whatever decision you and your husband come to for expanding your family.


Adele said...

I'm so utterly sorry to hear what you've been going through. I saw the post go out on LFCA. Not a lot I can say except: I'm sorry. And I hope with all my heart that there are real, concrete options for repairing things in your very near future.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Oh hun, I'm so sorry! I don't think anyone will object to you backing out of ICLW, but do know that we are all here for you.

Meredith said...

Hey! Here from LFCA to say I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

K said...

Oh my goodness- I'm here from LFCA as well and I'm SO sorry that you are dealing with this. I am sure you are feeling a great deal of frustration at the doctor who performed the surgery that led to the complications you have now. I am thinking of you and I hope very much that it can be repaired as you hope very soon.

Fran said...

My friend, don't worry about commenting on other's blog, it happens to everyone of us to need some time and cuddles for ourselves. So here I am, sending you a big gentle hug in this difficult time. Much love, Fran

(ICLW also)

Anonymous said...

I posted a similar post today apologizing to ICLW's because my life is in shambles right now and I don't have time to devote to reading blogs. One of my blog friends Noelle (who is also yours) sent me some really nice comments so I wrote back to her and I saw she had a post on her blog to visit your blog and send you some love.

Love is truly a journey, a journey I wish was a little bit easier on some of us. I pray that things work out for you.

mckala7 said...

I think that you are also stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You've come a long way in the last two years. I've only known you for 1.5 and am so grateful that we've come to know each other. Anti-depressants do help... but you also have to take into account your own strength. You've said it yourself, you have so much more going for you through this round. We're all here for you and love you more than anything. I couldn't ask for a better friend than you. You are incredibly special to me and are such an amazing individual. Whatever you need I'm here.

Meredith said...

Thank you and I'm so sorry Saige (about everything you're going through and about my comment on LFCA).

I was in a questioning state of mind because recently a blogger I'd been following, Joy Larkin, ( had someone assume her identity. She didn't give many details before going private, but someone used her pictures of her 4 kids and offered advice to someone under her identity.

Everyone should have a safe space where they can post and receive support without their privacy being compromised. Love to you.

Saige said...

No worries Meredith. I figured that was what was going through both yours and Mel's mind when both of them popped up. I know that Mel feels she needs to protect those in this blogging community, and I completely understand that. I am just hoping Mel isn't upset with me. Thanks for stopping by and following up. I appreciate it and your well wishes.

Hugs to you too!