Saturday, February 13, 2010

This Week's Session

This past week I had planned on going into my Shrink and talking to her about how I am afraid that my being back at TTC could hurt three of my close friends who are also currently trying for babies. Two of them are on the front lines in the battle, with one about to start IVF and the other going to see a specialist this week. I was afraid of getting pregnant again before either of them and that causing them undue pain. But at the same time, my window for having more than one child is very small. I might not be that old, but let's be honest, my body apparently was not meant to house pregnancies.

My next pregnancy is going to be very high risk. Part of me doesn't mind because it will mean lots of ultrasounds, but the logical part of me cares very much because there is a lot at risk and a lot on the line. But the bottom line is that I am willing to take the chance. Building my family is that important to me.

The day of my session, the Munchkin was home sick from daycare with a nasty ear infection and cold. I had called my shrink the week before and moved our session to this week because I was down with a nasty cold and could barely talk the week before. I couldn't move our session on short notice again, not that my shrink would have minded, but I didn't want her to think I was a flake. Instead, I took the Munchkin with me. She is, after all, part of the reason I go. ;)

My Shrink was overjoyed to have the Munchkin there with us. While I had wanted to talk about infertility-related topics, something else came up the day before that needed to be addressed more urgently. As we talked, the Munchkin played quietly around the room with the toys I had brought for her and my car keys. She barely made a fuss at all.

About 10 minutes into our session, my Shrink was beaming at the baby. She then told me how very well adjusted my child is. My daughter loves to smile at people. She is such a happy, sweet little girl. I get comments all of the time on how beautiful and sweet she is. She grabs attention everywhere we go. When I told my Shrink that, she told me that is because I got the help I needed. She could see that my being there and being on the antidepressants was helping my daughter feel secure in her world. She knows that Mama is always there for her, and the fact that she is so happy proves that we have a very tight and trusting bond.

My daughter and I are very close. That is exactly what I want and will always want. I am going to the Shrink and am on antidepressants for her above everything else. If she is going to learn what type of person she will become by watching me, it is so very important for me to take these steps to help her live a very happy, fulfilling life. I didn't go through hell and back to get her only to let her down by not being the mother she needs.

I will always do whatever I have to to ensure that I do what is right by her, no matter the cost to me. I feel that doing right by her also involves giving her siblings. I have three siblings and we are all very close, but I am especially close to my little brother. My Old Friend is an only child, and the difference between being an only child and having siblings is huge. I want my baby to have at least one sibling to grow up with, play with, get in trouble with, explore the world with. I have that, and I want it so badly for her.

The session went great, but my favorite part was my Shrink commenting on my daughter. Hearing those words from her made my day and reaffirmed that everything I'm doing really is benefiting my daughter.


Fran said...

I'm sure you'll have another occasion to talk about IF, for now though I wanted to tell you that in this IF circus there is no race, I know it's upsetting never getting to the finishing line, but this doesn't take away from the fact that it's a reason for celebration when another IF friend does get pregnant. Much love, Fran

Noelle said...

That was so sweet. You are such a good friend and I can't even image how wonderful a mother you are. This post gives me confidence that maybe I won't completely screw up my child :)

You are right to try to give your daughter another sibling. I am an only child (from my mom) and that is why I am determined to have two children. That will mean I will be 36 or older with the second one, but it will need to be done. My mom's focus is too much on me. If anything badly goes on in my life she can't handle it. She herself said that if she had two she would not worry so much. Her worrying makes me a worrier. Her focus on me is scary. I also think that I would have more confidence if I had a sibling.

So I think you are making a good choice. I have always told myself that one child is always okay too, if more than one doesn't happen. I suppose I came out alright. But two would be better.

Potters said...

I think your baby is adorable. She has a great mother raising her and I am glad that your shrink made sure to tell you that. You will be a great mother to another child. I hope things go well for you as you are trying for another one.

Suzanne said...

I think it's wonderful that you're taking such good care of yourself so that you can take good care of your daughter! It will make a huge difference for the best in both of your lives. Please don't worry about hurting your close friends, I'm sure that they will understand.

Life Happens said...

I'm sure your daughter adores you and knows that you would give her the world.