Monday, February 22, 2010

Why Don't the Pieces Fit?

Back before I met my husband, my best friend was a guy. One day we were going out for a hike, and as we were waiting at a stop light to get on the freeway, he told me of a song he had heard on the radio that sang about, "Why don't the pieces fit?" and how he felt that song applied to him. That moment always stuck with me because on that day, we were both in a dark spot, which is why we were going hiking. Today I am reminded of that song.

I didn't have a good day emotionally today, as Jill and Suzanne were witness to before yet another blog post met the graveyard. (Thank you ladies for your very sweet comments. I hope to have the mess cleared up soon. Thank you Jill for telling me about the comment. I went and posted a reply. I didn't realize I could do that until you said something.) As those of you who struggle with depression know, you just never know how you are going to continue handling bad news on any given day. Some days you are okay, and others it feels like the sky is falling. Today my sky was falling.

Today I felt angry. I felt let down. I felt every angry emotion in the book. I went to my shrink appointment, hoping she could help me dig my way out a little bit. Instead, I think it made me fall back into my PTSD, which is fine, because I realize I might need to take two steps back before I can move forward. I went in and tried not to shout that I didn't know why I am back here in this place. Why I didn't think it was fair. I cried. I hurt. I told her I didn't understand. I didn't give her a chance to say much, because today I needed to question everything. I just needed her to listen.

She asked me every question I have asked myself over the last few days, and I gave her all of my answers. I told her I feel like I am constantly trying to dig my way out of a cave, trying to find any little glimmer of hope that I can, but once I explore that glimmer I also have to explore the risks and complications, which push me back to where I started. How the ever living hell did I end up back here? I feel so forsaken. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. I am still trying to digest this, and the more real it becomes, the angrier I get.

I am so battered and beaten. I am shocked. I am hurt.

During our session I kept telling her I needed my husband there. I need him to really hear me, and I need for him to express what he feels about all of this. I love the man, but he cannot share emotion to save his life (I blame his mother 100%).

Tonight I called my husband to ask him to stop off at the pharmacy on his way home to get a prescription for our daughter's new case of pink eye (courtesy of daycare and just another spoiler to my day). He could hear by my voice I wasn't doing well. I cried and begged him to please go to the shrink with me next week. I have been asking him since I started going. He finally, finally told me he would go with me. No hesitation, just a very gentle, "Okay." I told him thank you and that I couldn't do this alone. He then told me he would only go once a week. I was shocked, I thought I'd only get a one-time deal out of it. I guess he finally understands where I am and how much I need this from him. I think he also understands that this fight is bigger than us both.

I am just hanging on for the day when I am able to start picking up the pieces and putting my life back together. I am in a holding pattern right now and will be at least until the end of this week when I have my sonohystogram, if not longer, depending on if I need the MRI. I'm not sure if I want to know the answer to the testing. I'm scared.

When will the pieces fit?


Noelle said...

The day will come when you will start picking up the pieces. I really hope that that day is sooner rather than later. I think your husband was so sweet to volunteer to go with you on a weekly basis. He sounds like a very caring man who loves you very much. I am praying for you Saige and I hope that the time passes by quickly until your sonohystogram.

Jaymee said...

it is wonderful that he will go with you!

you felt your emotions today, you expressed them in a healthy way and you asked for the help that you needed. all those things sound like a very good day; at least it would be for me in the throws of a great depression cycle.

you are never far from my thoughts.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

I am so glad DH agreed to go with you. If this is that important to you it shows he really cares to have the guts to go. Lots of men would find it pretty hard. I know you're suffering through a really difficult time right now and yes, you probably will feel like you are going backwards for awhile. The main thing is from the sounds of it you are still using all the strategies and resources you have in place to help you get through this. That is all you can do is just keep going to the sessions, keep doing whatever it is you need to do. I will be interested to see what the sonohystogram shows although I understand how scary it all is. I just want you to know if you can't bear to be reading blogs and stuff, it doesn't matter, I will always be here for you. You can always email me if you need a friend.
((((HUGE HUGSS))))

Life Happens said...

Sometimes the pieces don't fit right away, but overtime, it will all come together.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I hope that your husband can be there for you as you go through this. I'm happy for you that he has agreed to go once a week with you. That's a big step for him. Hopefully he will be able to get a lot out of the session too.

Thinking of you!!

Suzanne said...

Saige, thank you so very much for your sweet and thoughtful comment on my blog. Yes, they will have to take a small piece of my breast. Thanks so much for keeping me in your prayers. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I'm glad that your DH is willing to go to your therapist with you.

Anonymous said...

Oh honey my heart aches for you! I don't know when the pieces fit. Its all happenstance if you ask me. Then sometimes you wonder if all the suffering is part of a bigger plan. If you've read Noelle's and Betty Rubble's recent blogs, they're talking about timing, having to go through something first, to see the end of the rainbow.

But even if that's the case, it doesn't help you in the interim. And as a gal who also suffers from depression (and anxiety and OCD) its almost physically, mentally and emotionally UNBEARABLE.

My aunt said the worst advice to me Friday when I was in hell with you (I thought that was funny when I read that in your post to me). Anyway she emailed me and said "Life is what you make it, and you can decide not to be a victim of it. Remember, you are as happy as you decide to be."

OMG!!!!did I have to email her back and tell her its not that easy. Its not that easy.

I feel your pain Saige and I'm hear to listen. Please do the same with me. :)

Potters said...

Hubs made a good decision to say he would join you. I am so happy that you have so much support this time around.