Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Two-Headed Coin

I have not yet posted my infertility story on this blog. Perhaps I will at a later point in time. I can tell you, it was a crazy ride and one that I wish to never repeat. It lasted for almost two years and involved everything from Chl.omid to IUIs to extensive surgery that left me battered and torn, wondering if everything I had gone through was really going to be worth it. It tested my resolve and desire to be a mother. The bottom line was always that I wasn't going to give up. I had to be able to look back and say I tried it all, which was what kept me moving forward in the worst moments.

I remember a few weeks after my surgery I was so frustrated because it was taking me so long to get back on my feet. I curled up on my bed one night and just cried like the world was coming to an end. I honestly wondered if it was all going to be worth it. I was in so much pain, and my surgery had been so extensive I went from a few days to recover (the norm for a laparoscopy) to up to 6 months to recover. I couldn't even clean the kitchen without it ending in my needing to take a 2-hour nap afterward. DH did his best to soothe me by telling me that even if the surgery hadn't worked, we would make our lives happy no matter what.

Those were some very dark days, and by far, some of the worst of my life. They were days I never wished to repeat.

Now here I am, getting ready to jump back in the crazy battle against infertility while I TTC a sibling for my baby girl. Not only do I have endometriosis and PCOS against me, I now have age and a uterine rupture working against me. I am looking at a very high risk pregnancy if and when I do get pregnant again. But I can't bring myself to cross that bridge before I get to it.

I was and still am so excited to start trying for another baby. My last pregnancy and the past year have been so surreal and wonderful beyond words. I can't wait to do it all again.

But here's the rub. I feel like my TTC is like a two-headed coin. On one side I have everything beautiful and happy to look forward to, but at the same time, I have the mouth of hell gaping before me as well. I know what is at stake on both sides. Is it worth it to face the bad for the good? ABSOLUTELY YES.

I am so excited to start TTC that I almost feel like I can't wait another two cycles while my body re-regulates itself after 6 months with an IUD. I understand I need to wait for my lining to build back up, and that is ultimately what I will do, but at the same time, I want to get right back into that race NOW. However, when I think about starting TTC as soon as next month, I get cold feet a little bit. I am sure that reason is two-fold. The first being that I have been out of the TTC game for the last two years. Am I really ready to get back in that game yet? How much, if any, of my previous battle will I have to repeat? The second being the potential risks of a pregnancy.

I guess I have plenty to talk about at my next Shrink appointment huh?

What it all boils down to to me is to follow my gut instinct, which tells me to wait two months, and then to jump back in both feet first. I feel like the journey to #2 won't take long, and that the pregnancy will go as smoothly as my last. That is what my deep down gut instinct tells me. However, the anxious bitty inside me asks if I feel that way only because I am on antidepressants that make unicorns fart rainbows. Once I come off of those babies, will my gut instinct still feel the same?

These inner battles really suck. You know that?

I have to go with what my gut tells me now and not what my inner-anxious person tries to battle me with.

Just in case any of you thought I had it all together because of my positive posts and encouragement to you, this ought to be evidence enough that I am just as messed up as every other infertile. lol

My cold meds just kicked in, so I am out.


Fran said...

I think your instinct will be right, it won't take long, I'll be checking on you regularly and thank you so much for your support! Fran

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Saige,
I really like how you've captured the headspace you're in. You're right, it has the potential to be a totally torturous journey with the ultimate prize at the end. I don't know what to say about your instincts, on the one hand I always trust mine, on the other I don't know what it's like to be on antidepressants. I think it's good you've got a few more months ahead of you before you're back at TTC. A bit more time to get ready is not a bad thing. Can I ask, are you coming off the antidepressants or staying on while TTC? Just curious.
Take care.

~ifer said...

You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there girl!

Saige said...

R, I will be coming off of them as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. This is the plan I have discussed with my doctor, and he is totally on board with it. :)

Potters said...

I hope when you are fully ready you will know. I can see where you are comming from on both sides. You are strong and smart.

Life Happens said...

Always trust your instinct. No matter what happens, you are a strong person and will overcome it. I hope and pray that you will be able to add to your family.