I came to the realization today that I really do not have it all together when it comes to TTC again. Not only that, but I have it way less together than I thought I did.
Tonight I feel like I am standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff. For the first time in a long time, I am almost downright panic stricken at the thought of TTC. My first sign was this morning when I went to see my doctor to follow up on my antidepressants. I told him I have been extremely exhausted lately and can't sleep enough. I can take two 3 hour naps in one day and still fall asleep easily that night and sleep in the next day, only to repeat the process. He suggested that the exhaustion could be a side effect of the cit.alopram and maybe I should try backing off the dose. Even the thought of backing it off made me uncomfortable. Those silly little pills have made my life not only liveable, but they have made it awesome beyond words. As my husband says, they make me sane.
I told my dr I didn't want to do that. I then reminded him we were going to start TTC in the next couple of months, so we rediscussed our plan to wean me off over a two-week period as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. He told me I could wean off now and see how it goes, but I wasn't comfortable with that either. I feel like I need these babies to keep my world level. I told him as much, and he told me that was fine. We'll stick to the plan. He then said something that made my day, he told me that I am a good mama and that he hopes I get pregnant quickly because I deserve to have another baby. Wow! I really love this doctor. I was referred to him by my Shrink, by the way.
Okay, so going off the cit.alopram right now, not optional for me.
Then tonight when I got home from work I debated over whether or not I am going to do OPKs this month, or just leave it be. I just barely got my IUD out, so I can't expect much from this cycle. I am not sure if I will even ovulate or not, but my OB told me it is very possible to get pregnant right away, which she cautioned against until my lining builds back up. No problem, that was my plan anyway. But do I test to see if I even ovulate? THAT is the question.
I opened my bathroom cupboard tonight and came face to face with my bottle of OPKs. Despite my antidepressants, it send me into a bit of a panic.
Enter PTSD from IF.
Am I really ready for this? I mean, what if I never get a positive OPK? I know exactly where I'm headed if I don't. I don't know if I can do it again. Or can I? I mean, I've been there before. I know what to expect, and I've got resources, knowledge, friends, and professionals in my court that I didn't have before. But on the other hand, I know what to expect. The disappointing month after disappointing month. The toll it takes on my life, my relationships, my job. I now have a child to take into consideration too. How will my struggles affect her?
I think it is safe to say I am officially freaking out. The antidepressants help keep it in check for the most part, but my infertile brain is starting to race. It has been given the green light to do so for the first time in two years, and it is taking it and running with it. I wouldn't allow myself to cross this bridge before I got to it, and now I'm here, crossing it. I didn't remember it was quite this rickety. And honestly, this is only the first half of my battle. The other half will be the pregnancy itself.
Wow I am a mess. Welcome back Infertile Me. I didn't miss you these last two years. What do you say you cooperate with me this time around? I think I've been through enough already, don't you? And considering the battle ahead, I could use a break at the starting line. Sound good to you? It sure does to me.
Well, here we go friends. I'm back on the insane playing field of trying to beat my infertility again.