Thursday, February 18, 2010

Standing On a Crumbling Cliff

I came to the realization today that I really do not have it all together when it comes to TTC again. Not only that, but I have it way less together than I thought I did.

Tonight I feel like I am standing on the edge of a crumbling cliff. For the first time in a long time, I am almost downright panic stricken at the thought of TTC. My first sign was this morning when I went to see my doctor to follow up on my antidepressants. I told him I have been extremely exhausted lately and can't sleep enough. I can take two 3 hour naps in one day and still fall asleep easily that night and sleep in the next day, only to repeat the process. He suggested that the exhaustion could be a side effect of the cit.alopram and maybe I should try backing off the dose. Even the thought of backing it off made me uncomfortable. Those silly little pills have made my life not only liveable, but they have made it awesome beyond words. As my husband says, they make me sane.

I told my dr I didn't want to do that. I then reminded him we were going to start TTC in the next couple of months, so we rediscussed our plan to wean me off over a two-week period as soon as I find out I'm pregnant. He told me I could wean off now and see how it goes, but I wasn't comfortable with that either. I feel like I need these babies to keep my world level. I told him as much, and he told me that was fine. We'll stick to the plan. He then said something that made my day, he told me that I am a good mama and that he hopes I get pregnant quickly because I deserve to have another baby. Wow! I really love this doctor. I was referred to him by my Shrink, by the way.

Okay, so going off the cit.alopram right now, not optional for me.

Then tonight when I got home from work I debated over whether or not I am going to do OPKs this month, or just leave it be. I just barely got my IUD out, so I can't expect much from this cycle. I am not sure if I will even ovulate or not, but my OB told me it is very possible to get pregnant right away, which she cautioned against until my lining builds back up. No problem, that was my plan anyway. But do I test to see if I even ovulate? THAT is the question.

I opened my bathroom cupboard tonight and came face to face with my bottle of OPKs. Despite my antidepressants, it send me into a bit of a panic.

Enter PTSD from IF.

Am I really ready for this? I mean, what if I never get a positive OPK? I know exactly where I'm headed if I don't. I don't know if I can do it again. Or can I? I mean, I've been there before. I know what to expect, and I've got resources, knowledge, friends, and professionals in my court that I didn't have before. But on the other hand, I know what to expect. The disappointing month after disappointing month. The toll it takes on my life, my relationships, my job. I now have a child to take into consideration too. How will my struggles affect her?

I think it is safe to say I am officially freaking out. The antidepressants help keep it in check for the most part, but my infertile brain is starting to race. It has been given the green light to do so for the first time in two years, and it is taking it and running with it. I wouldn't allow myself to cross this bridge before I got to it, and now I'm here, crossing it. I didn't remember it was quite this rickety. And honestly, this is only the first half of my battle. The other half will be the pregnancy itself.

Wow I am a mess. Welcome back Infertile Me. I didn't miss you these last two years. What do you say you cooperate with me this time around? I think I've been through enough already, don't you? And considering the battle ahead, I could use a break at the starting line. Sound good to you? It sure does to me.

Well, here we go friends. I'm back on the insane playing field of trying to beat my infertility again.


Suzanne said...

This sounds so familiar - I too struggle with depression and infertility. When we first started TTC, I tried to come off my antidepressants, but was unable to do so. How did everything work for you when you went off your antidepressants the first time TTC? This is a horrible struggle to face I know, but I also know about your dream and desire for another child. Hang in there! You have your support system, your DH, your shrink, and your doctor. You are prepared and I am confident that you can get through this. Your blog friends are here for you!

Noelle said...

I can't imagine how scary going back to ttc must be. It caused you so much heartache. I think you made the right decision in staying on the Cel.exa, as you will need it through this time. I pray that your "battle" is short and sweet and simple. You deserve it. You are strong, and you can do this. We will be here to help you.

Fran said...

Saige, I am so sorry you feel this way. I know my story is different, but the anxiety and fears alternated to hope and joy before starting the journey again belonged to me too. I have no advice to give you, but perhaps if you are not ready at least don't look at OPK for the moment, see how it goes this month without them, ease yourself into the idea first and then take out the weapons. It may even happen without OPKs! Much love, and you are in my thoughts, Fran

Life Happens said...

I think you are a strong person and like you said, you're better prepared this time around. You have resources AND a support team.

It's normal to feel anxious on this IF roller coaster. But you can do it! Welcome aboard!

Saige said...

Thank you so much ladies! I really need your support and encouragement right now. I just feel so utterly scared and weak even thinking about it all.

Suzanne, I wasn't on antidepressants before. I always fought depression off on my own. I've been on many antidepressants, but I never stayed on any of them for more than 2-3 months because I hated the side-effects. This is the first time I have been on anything for more than 3 months. I think that is another reason I am so scared to go off of them now.

Anonymous said...

I too share your love of this doctor, what a sweetheart.

Fear can be so crippling and overwhelming but I think you are on the right track. Keep it in check and realize it is there and find a way to channel it to be useful for you. As far as the OPK's go I can so relate to your fear of seeing nothing happening when you are using them but I also know that you need to be charting during all of this time so I would say use them. It gives you more info about your body and where you are which will also help your doctors to stay ahead of the game after you wait a few months before truly trying.

You are a great mother and don't worry about how your struggles will affect her because you know they won't! SHE is your prize, you worked SOOOOO hard to get her and she is here and amazing so keep your eye on that prize while you start this journey to #2!

I am really working on a novel comment here but one other thing I wanted to share with you is from Joyce Meyer's book Battlefield of the Mind...if you have never read it you should see if your library has it or invest. It is SO worth it. Her points are so valid and helpful and the one thing that she says over and over is that we are in charge of our thoughts and what we ALLOW ourselves to think. We need to control every thought because if we are not paying attention to what we are thinking than we let Satan win because he fills our minds with lies. That book has helped me on so many levels, not just IF, but with my Hubby and daughter and family...I would HIGHLY recommend it.

Okay...wrapping up the novel now :) You can do this girl and you have an amazing group of women out here who are ready to take it on with you and support you every step of the way!