Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Its Not Real Today

I can't believe how well I got through today. Actually, I can. I made myself numb to what is going on. Like Gol.lum, I told myself it isn't real, that I wasn't listening to the voice in my head that told me to wake up and face the facts. I felt fake today. I was back to my normal, cheerful self, as if Friday had never happened. All the while I knew in my head I could be depressed and crying again tomorrow.

Why don't I feel like this is real? Is it the denial stage of grief, or is it that I have hope this can be fixed? I don't dare to think it is the latter. Not after I had so much faith that everything was going to be fine for the past year only to have that ripped from me on Friday.

Yesterday I was angry. I know that is one of the five stages of grief. I have had moments of acceptance, but mostly I've been angry. I was angry on and off today, but it didn't send me off the deep end like it did yesterday. It was like there was a cotton ball shielding me from feeling the anger in my core. Or maybe I just don't want to face it today. Avoidance works well. Maybe if I don't admit it, it won't be true. But it IS true.

I can't count the number of times I sat and thought to myself today, "How did I get here again?"

I tell people it isn't fair I am fighting this battle again. My husband tells me everyone has to fight a battle, and this is mine. If I didn't have this, what would I rather have instead? I am still trying to answer that.

What lesson am I supposed to learn from this other than doctors can be dumb as dog shit sometimes?

My world has been completely turned on its head, and I am trying to make it right again.

I am so tired. I just want to sleep and make this all go away. I hope I am numb again tomorrow because it makes it so much easier to deal with it. Right now, I am honestly just trying to live in each moment as it comes. I am trying not to think about my HSN on Friday and what we are going to find. I am trying not to foresee how I will react to good or bad news. I am just trying to exist and enjoy each moment where I don't think about it.

I can't believe I am back here.


Jaymee said...

sometimes disconnecting from things is a healthy way to cope. we cannot be expected to live in the pain all the time.

thinking of you.

Potters said...

I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. It is hard to see how numb you are in our conversations. I pray that you are comforted by the spirit. I hope that you know that you can turn to many family members and friends for comfort, we love and care about you deeply.

Suzanne said...

I am sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.