Saturday, February 6, 2010

My Phoenix, Part 3

This is the final installment of the session with my shrink that was written about in my two previous posts. If you missed them, feel free to read back over them before embarking on this one, but it is not necessary.

The last thing my shrink and I talked about that day was my battle with infertility. I told her that I was tired of everyone telling me that I needed to let go everything I had been through in the years leading up to my pregnancy. I had been through a lot, not as much as some, but enough. I had done years of treatments and undergone a pretty extensive surgery to finally achieve my dream of motherhood. The experience definitely left me battered and scarred, but I wasn't willing to forget it all happened, which is what everyone kept saying I needed to do. They told me I needed to move on. I told my shrink it made me angry when people said that. When she asked why, I told her it was because of that battle I appreciated the gift I had been given so much more than if I hadn't had to fight so hard for it.

While infertility was hard, and at times it did best me, the experience helped grow and form me into a better person. A more compassionate and appreciative person. Had I not had to go through all of that to get pregnant, I probably would have complained about my pregnancy. I probably would have taken it and my daughter for granted, if I ever got to be a mother. But because I had to fight for my right to motherhood, not one second of my pregnancy or motherhood has gone by where I don't appreciate the gift I have been given. To forget my battle means taking those things for granted, and I am not willing to do that.

That battle made me who I am today. It made me a better mother than I would have been. Additionally, it strengthened my marriage along with all of my other close relationships. I definitely learned who my friends were, and those who were not, were cast off along the way.

If I had to do it all again, I would just because of the appreciation it has given me, and because of the way it brought me closer to my husband, my parents, my siblings, and my true friends. Not only that, but it gave me the opportunity to honestly reach out to other women who were or are going through the same thing. I could tell them I knew where they were because I had been there. I could provide love, support, and a shoulder to cry on because I truly understand. I've been there. I know how hard it is. I know how cruel and unfair it all seems.

The bottom line to me is that I am a better mother. I have infinite amounts of patience for my daughter because in those moments when I begin to feel even the teeniest, tiniest bit frustrated with her, I remember how hard I fought to get her here, and my patience meter is refilled. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. I could not possibly love her more. I chalk some of that up to instinct and being a mother, but I chalk a lot of it up to my fight for her.

There was so much good that came out of my battle against infertility. How could I ever want to forget it or let it go? The only people who would say that to me are those who have no idea where I came from to get here, or who don't truly appreciate how much it has shaped me into who I am today. To forget it is to forget myself and my daughter.


Potters said...

Infertility is such a hard thing. I am glad you are able to pull some of the possitive things out of it to apply to your life now. You are a great shoulder to cry on and a joy to talk to.

Noelle said...

I loved this post. I have been thinking about that lately. I have been wondering if my loss will make my child seem like more of a gift to me. I have to think that it will, and reading this post just confirms it for me. It is true...the women who pop out babies effortlessly without any heartache along the way don't have the gift of really understanding what they really have. Some of them may, but I think that for the most part, most women just believe that they will have children. Then they do, and they don't really grasp the miracle of it all.

I think it is beautiful that you have come to the point where you are grateful for your heartache. I couldn't have said this a month ago, but I am starting to feel that way myself. Without my loss, I wouldn't have understood the true miracle of pregnancy.

I think that your heartache has prepared you to be such a good friend and an amazing support system. I think that you are going to use this gift throughout your lifetime. I see you affecting women in a huge way in your life.

Thank you for writing this. I learned a lot about you and about myself through reading this.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

This is a beautiful post Saige, and I agree with you 100%. I think you've inspired me to post a bit about what my journey means to me! Anyway I think it is fantastic how much you value the battle you have been through-you are a strong, wonderful person.