Friday, February 19, 2010

It is all for Naught

I went to my ultrasound this morning to check that everything from my rupture had healed well enough that I could start trying for another baby in the next couple of months. I feel so stupid now that on my drive in I was thinking the biggest of my worries was when to start using OPKs. I got the answer to that. Never.

I went into that appointment so hopeful, so sure that everything was going to be okay, that it was going to be a fantastic appointment, I would skip out of there with my prescription for prenatals. I watched as the tech found my scar tissue, and as she found a 5mm cyst on my right ovary (which explains all of the pains I've been having), and as she found my beautiful left ovary. I'll hand it to her, she is a professional. Her demeanor never changed. She asked me to wait while she asked my doctor if she wanted to come in and make sure there wasn't anything else we needed to look at. I sat there, praying everything was fine and preparing myself for good news.

My doctor came in and watched the screen. The tech moved the wand to my scar tissue and pointed at a black spot right next to it. I looked at her face and at my doctor's face, waiting for any indication of good or bad. I held my breath. I held out hope. "Everything is fine. Its perfect. Don't freak out."

Then came the bomb shell.

There is no muscle on my uterine wall next to the rupture. The wall right there is paper thin and my intestines could be viewed through it on the ultrasound. As it stands right now, I am no longer able to have any more children.

My world fell out from underneath me. I was not prepared for this. I never in a million years thought I would hear that today. I started to cry and ask if it could be fixed. My doctor isn't sure, so she is going to call a high risk OB and consult with their fertility specialist today and call me back. I have to say right now, my hopes are not high. I just sat there and cried. What did I do to deserve this? Haven't I been through enough? My doctor held me in a tight hug, told me she was sorry, and that she would see if there is anything we can do.

My doctor and the tech left the room so I could get dressed, and I cried so hard. I sobbed like my world had come to an end. I couldn't collect myself well enough to stop sobbing. The tech came back in a few minutes later and told me I could use the back entrance so I wouldn't have to walk through a waiting room full of preggies. She told me my doctor would do all she could, and she hoped for the best for us.

I did not expect this!

I walked as fast as I could out of the hospital and to my car, avoiding all eye contact and trying to keep my tears in check. As soon as I got to the car I sobbed from the very tips of my toes. My heart was breaking. I called Hubs and told him about the appointment. All I could do was cry from my very core.

I didn't want to be back here again, but here I am. This is so unfair. I have done everything I was supposed to do. I have been through enough. Why am I facing this?

I know I am very blessed because I at least have my daughter. I am so grateful for her, and I am still grateful for everything I had to go through to get her. I always will be. But right now, I feel so very broken again. I feel like I am worse off now than I was before as far as TTC is concerned.

Why did God let me feel like everything was going to be okay when it isn't? Why did He put such a strong desire to have more children in me when it isn't going to happen? Why did He let my "instincts" tell me that I would be able to start trying for another baby in a couple of months when I'm not? I don't understand. If this isn't going to happen, then He needs to take these feelings and desires away. For the last four years of my life, ALL I have focused on is building a family. That is all I have truly wanted. More than anything.

I want my daughter to have a sibling. I don't want her to be an only child. I want her to have a friend who is always there. Someone to grow up with, play with, get in trouble with, have secrets from mom and dad with. It is so lonely being an only child. I had siblings, and I want that for my daughter.

Please, if you leave a comment don't tell me to be glad I at least have my daughter. I AM glad. I am so blessed to have her. I know that so many of you are trying for your first and are struggling, but that does not make my pain feel any less great right now. The bottom of my world and all of my hope have been pulled out from underneath me. My day went from being exciting to wondering what the hell I am going to do now, to questioning myself, my hope, and my instincts. To realizing that even IF this can be fixed, I am at least another year away from trying, if not longer. My life plans have all gone out the window. Everything I have been hanging onto this last year was ripped from my grasp in a moment this morning.

I am dumped right back where I was three years ago, only worse in some ways. I have a bathroom cabinet stocked clear full of OPKs and pregnancy tests. All of them will have to be thrown away now. All of the pregnancy items I have waiting in my closet have to go away. My hopes and dreams have gone away.

Everything hangs in the balance on a phone call from my doctor. Will they be able to fix it? How long will recovery take? What will happen with my endo and PCOS while we wait? I'm getting older, I don't have much time left to continue building my family. How is all of this going to affect world again? This just plain is NOT fair.

I may be absent from blogging for a while. Right now, I feel like I need to be away from everything TTC-related. I just can't handle this. I can't handle the fact that I am where I am. I need to grieve and pick up the pieces of my shattered dream.


Noelle said...

You take all of the time that you need. Don't worry about leaving comments or keeping up with everyone. Take care of yourself right now.

I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

I don't know why God does the things He does. I don't know why He gave you the desire for another child, yet this is happening.

I do know that He is full of surprises though. I am still hopeful for the call back from your doctor. I will be hopeful for you.

You are so strong. You grew so much from your ttc experience and then from your complicated pregnancy. You are like a rock. I know that you can do this. You can and you will make it through this. I can't imagine someone more fit for the job than you.

I will be praying for you and that your doctors will have a hopeful answer for you. If not, you will cross that bridge then.

I am so sorry, Saige. My heart is breaking for you right now. I wish that I could have been there with you today. I pray that God has something good in store for you.

Jill said...

I am so sorry that your news was so bad. I feel so bad. I wish there was something any of us could do. Yes, you already have a daughter but it is natural for you to want and expect to have more. You have every right to be devastated and angry. Take care of yourself and come back to us when you are ready or need anything.

Life Happens said...

I am so sorry. You do not deserve any of this. I know you are angry and feel hopeless, but know that you can still add to your family. Maybe God instilled those instincts in you to prepare you for what's to come. Your desire to add to your family can still be fullfilled. Don't lose all hope.

Please know that I am thinking of you and will be praying for you and your family.

Cherish This Life! said...

Oh honey I am so sorry. SO sorry. I am in tears for you, I just wish I could make it all better for you. This is so not fair. Please know I am praying for you and if you need anything AT ALL please don't hesitate to let me know, I am here for you no matter what!

Jaymee said...

i have no words to express how sorry i am. i just wish that i could come and give you a huge hug. please know that i will be right here when/if you decide to return and i am always just an e-mail away. you are in my thoughts.

Kim said...

My heart melts for you. I am so very sorry.....wish there was something I could do or say. Praying for you and your family.

Suzanne said...

Saige, I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers. It's so hard to have the rug pulled out from under you like this. I hope and pray that you hear good news from your doctor.

I don't know if this will help or make you feel better in any way but I am an only child and I have always been happy and content with that. My parents wanted to have another child but couldn't because of mother's RH blood factor, a problem that can be fixed today but couldn't back then.

Please don't give up on your dreams of continuing to build your family. Keep praying and although I know that it's hard, trust in God. I'm sure that he gave you the desire for another child for a reason. Remember, God can work miracles!

I can understand if you need some time away from the TTC community and don't feel like blogging. Please take all of the time that you need. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. If there is anything that I can do to help you, please feel free to email me at

mckala7 said...

POOH BEAR!!!!!! I love you!!! Please let me know if there's anything I can do. Even if you aren't on here catching up... the boys and I can drive down there to FM this weekend and cry together. Dustin will join in. Dakota may jump on the bandwagon too. I love you so much!!!! I wish I could take the hurt away. I want to! There's nothing I wouldn't do to take it away. I know that words aren't always my strong point. But, just know that I give great hugs and will be here. Alicia is much better with the words than I am. I will still have hope... it may not be in the timeframe you want but I think that you will be able to have another child. So, I will keep that hope for you. I love you lots and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And I won't say anything about you being grateful for the one you do have. I completely understand your desire to want another one. It's perfectly natural and perfectly okay to want more children. I completely get that. There are other things I'm incapable of understanding because I've never had to deal with infertility but I do know that I love you and would give you bear hugs now. :) Keep your chin up... and if you can't... call me and I'll pick it up for you.

Emily said...

Saige, I'm stopping over here from Noelle's blog. I am so sorry you had to receive such horrible news. It seems like you have been through the wringer with your IF and now to have this diagnosis is absolutely heartbreaking.

I do hope and pray that there will be a way for you to provide a sibling for your daughter. But I did want to let you know that as an only child, it is not lonely being an only child. Sure, I have thought about what it would be like to have a sibling, but I loved my life and growing up as an only child. My parents made it a point not to raise me as an only child, and most people are shocked to hear that I am one when I tell them. I think that being an only child has given me a special and unique relationship with my parents that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Please know, though, I will be praying for you and that God would provide a way for you to have another child.


AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey Saige,
I am sorry I didn't comment sooner. I have been away for the weekend and intended to comment as soon as I got back (couldn't take the computer with me). Sweetie, I am so sorry that you received this devastating news. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying to explain your story to DH. I don't know what else to say except that I am here for you and always will be, if you need to take a break please do so as I imagine hearing about others TTC'ing would be like getting knifed in the heart right now. I will keep reading when you do update and hoping that there is still a chance. I am sending you love and hugs. Please take care, my dear friend.