Before I went to my doctor appointment on Friday morning, I called my Shrink and made an appointment for Monday morning. I was starting to have a little PTSD from my last bout with infertility and knew I couldn't wait until our next appointment to talk. As I sat in my car sobbing after my sonogram, I was so glad I had made that appointment. Too bad the subject matter has changed so drastically.
Today I was amazed at how much better I felt about things. I didn't make it through the day without crying, but it was for completely different reasons. Reasons I will get into on another day. I know for a fact, had I not been on antidepressants, there is no way on God's green earth I could have gotten out of bed. Not only did I get out of bed, I was sane. My thought processes have been rational and down to earth. I know exactly where I would be without them, and I am so grateful they have given me such a strong foundation.
DH and I spent much of our time together today talking about our options. He doesn't usually have an opinion on any of this because he says it is my body. I think most of the time he just doesn't know what to say, or he does, but he doesn't want me to feel obligated in anyway. I asked him if he would be okay if all we ever had was our daughter. He told me that if she is all we get, then she is all we get. I then asked if he wanted more (because I am already starting to come to terms with the fact that I might not get what I want). When he told me he did want more, that put the fight back in me.
Yesterday and today I told DH that these things aren't supposed to happen to me, they are supposed to happen to other people. He told me sometimes I have to be the other people. I came to the realization that no matter how much I see my life the way I want it to be, there is reality, and sometimes reality is harsh. This isn't what I saw, and this isn't what I expected, but this is what's happening, and I have to pick myself up and move forward. I have to realize that what I wanted isn't going to be mine in the time frame I want it. I also have to realize that despite what I think, I am mortal. As much as I like to think a pregnancy couldn't kill me, I need to realize it really can.
A cousin of mine recently gave birth. After her son was born, she continued to bleed. The major veins that provide blood to the uterus would not shut off. She went into surgery and was given 9 units of blood. We only have 8 units in us. She ended up in ICU for days in a coma. During her surgery, she was intubated and the medication they were giving her made her feel like she was drowning, so she tried to pull out the tubes, damaging her vocal cords.
Do you think for one split second she ever thought that could or would happen to her? She went to the hospital to give birth to her son. I am sure what she envisioned for that day was not at all what she got.
I need to really think things through before I jump both feet first into a pregnancy that could kill me. I am not immortal, despite what I might think.
I don't know how I got here. I don't know why I am here. All I know is that I have to try. I have to do all I can so that I can look back and say I did because that is how I am. I have to find what little faith I have left after yesterday and nurture it. I can't give up. But my God, am I in for the battle of my life. I realize this, and I also realize that the outcome may not be what I want. I am just so glad that I have the foundation underneath me that I do right now because if I didn't, I wouldn't make it.