The Other Shoe

Tonight while I was washing bottles I reminisced over how perfect my life has been lately. How I feel like things are really going our way. I have a perfect marriage, we finally have the baby we tried for years to obtain, we have a beautiful house, two fantastic dogs, I have four new best friends, I love where I live, I love my job, and I have more friends than I have ever had in my life. It just all feels perfect.

So why then in those moments do I feel like the other shoe dropping is just around the corner? Why can't I just fully enjoy the ride at the moment? Its like when you're at the top of the roller coaster and as you go down the first drop you love the tickle in your tummy, but half way down the hill, you're ready for that feeling to stop already because it is too much. I kind of feel that way now, only I feel like I can't fully enjoy the tummy tickle because there has to be a catch somewhere.

Does anyone else do this, or is it just me?

Its almost like a voice that shushes me in my moment of glory.

As I sat down to write this post tonight, I remembered something that may be very important to my happiness, and it comes in a pill format. With that in mind, do I really need to worry about shushing my happiness to prevent the other shoe from dropping? Is that part of the reason I feel like my life is just so perfect? I am sure it is a big part of it. I want that to be the reason. I don't want it to be because the other shoe is about to drop and 2010 is going to be a bad year. The only thing I want for this next year that is out of my control is to conceive our second child and to have a healthy, full term pregnancy.

I obviously wish for the obvious things too, like a happy and healthy family, but those are givens.

I guess I will just have to continue living my life the way I do, to be happy in the moment and leave the rest up to God.

Gearing Up

Sorry I haven't been around the last few days. DH and I went to his grandpa's for Christmas and I haven't had internet access since we left Wednesday night. Well, I have, but it is via my phone, and while the technology is great, it still isn't that great yet. I did catch up on some blogs while I was away, but was unable to comment. As it is midnight, my catching up may have to wait until tomorrow. :( I did want to do a quick post tonight before turning in though.

Our Christmas this year was awesome. Of course the baby factor helped boost that through the roof. But in addition to that, I got some great gifts. DH finally bought me a Wi.i. I know, we are seriously behind the times. Those things came out like what, 4 years ago? I'm just glad we are finally joining the ranks. The funny thing is, he didn't want one because he didn't think he would play it. He bought me the console along with two games... and then he bought two games for him. HA! Not only that, but he has played it more than I have so far. I like to laugh at him for that.

Today I went out and bought the Wi.i fit because that is really what I wanted all along. I played a bunch of the games tonight and holy cow, they really do work you! I think this combined with joining Wei.ght Wat.chers at work and taking yoga classes at work will really help me finally shed my infertility weight. In addition to that, I am hoping it boosts our ability to conceive #2 when we're ready in just under two months.

When it comes to being back in the TTC #2 saddle, I can honestly say I am gearing up for the battle already. I have a stock of pregnancy tests and a stock of OPKs in my cupboard. Not only that, but I ordered vitamins today that supposedly help boost your conception ability. I'm hoping that with all of the steps I'm taking we won't end up back in the infertility chair again. I find that the closer I get to being able to get back on the horse, the more I want to be sure I'm ready. I've got to pack the saddle bags for the journey.

The sad thing is, I kind of feel my naivety creeping back in. The bitter infertile part of me has been pushed to the back of my brain for so long I feel giddy at our chances when we are ready to start trying again. That kind of scares me. I don't like being naive when it comes to this kind of thing. I enjoy having the thoughts, "Wouldn't it be great if we got pregnant almost right away?" But at the same time, the infertile in me wants to give myself a good slap across the cheek. Then I remind myself that I'm not back in the saddle yet and I just need to remember not to get too excited, but that it is okay to get a little excited. I just pray that my next journey on that horse is easier than the last one.

I know that our first month will be a throw away while my body gets used to not being on any form of birth control. The second month might be a throw away too, but only time will tell.

I guess we'll find out in a few month's time if R was right about his prediction for when we would conceive. All of his readings have been spot on so far.

That reminds me, I doubt anyone really notices, but I deleted all of my blog posts regarding my old friend. They're all gone! I came to the realization this weekend that I was completely over it. Every time a thought of her pops into my head, it is instantly snuffed out with an, "I just don't care." The frequency of my thoughts about her has dropped off to maybe one or two a day from a dozen or so a day. I no longer think about her, or care. Whenever I feel her trying to creep back in, I send out a vibe that says, "I don't care. I want you out of my life for good. Its over. Don't contact me. Don't think about me. We're DONE." This time, unlike every other time in the past, I mean it. It is so liberating!

Anyway, its almost 12:30, so I am going to run off to bed. I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. I hope you all had a wonderful, and safe Christmas.

But before I run away completely, I just want to give a shout out to Noelle and tell her congrats on her pregnancy! Keep your feet on the ground sweetie and your thoughts in the right place. This pregnancy will work!

P.S. My creepy BIL didn't make it to Christmas at grandpa's. Praise be to heaven, the day was PERFECT!

Merry Christmas

I hope you are all having a very merry, safe, and happy Christmas.

Ahhh Shane....

Tonight for some reason a funny story from my past popped into my head and I decided it is totally worth sharing. I have said before that in my single days, I was a bit of a player. I loved the thrill of the chase when it came to guys. Once I had gotten them, I quickly got bored and moved onto my next kill. My average high school relationship was two weeks. Once I graduated, that number moved up to a nice, round five weeks. The record before I met my husband was seven months, followed by a few relationships that lasted a whole four months. My attention span was fickle and none of the guys I dated could fit the bill, until I met my husband. Needless to say, I dated a lot and left a few broken hearts out there.


I lost a few really good guy friends when I announced my engagement. Two of which were really hard to say goodbye to. I understood that they were both holding out hope I would one day come to my senses and realize the love of my life was right under my nose. I did love them both dearly, but not in a marriage way. One of them was an ex boyfriend whom I had dated for four months and then could never break the bond between us enough to let him go from my life forever. When I got engaged, however, he respectfully bowed out and told me he could no longer be my friend. I understood why, but it still broke my heart. We'd been good friends for years.

The other was a guy I met in my college internship, his name was Frank. He watched me hunt a delicious fellow in our office for months before finally snagging him. Frank always hoped that things with the other guy would fail so he could move in. Things did fail, and I moved on as I always did, but I never turned the eye to Frank that he wanted. Instead, I made him a dreaded best friend. This was during my senior year of college.

After graduating from college, I moved back home to find a job and start my life. I went back to my college town one weekend to visit a few friends, one of whom was Frank. I brought my current boyfriend, Shawn, with me, as well as my little brother's girlfriend. We spent the majority of our time with Frank. The first night we were at his house Shawn was talking to Frank, who of course thought Shawn was a twat. Frank interrupted Shawn:

Frank: Shane, let me tell you something....
Shawn: Its Shawn.
Frank: What?
Shawn: My name is Shawn.
Frank: Let me tell you something Shane. It doesn't matter what your name is because a month from now, Saige is going to get bored with you, dump you, and move on. And she's going to come to me and we're both going to think back on you and laugh.

I was flabbergasted! I couldn't help but laugh. I know it hurt Shawn's feelings, but it was like a scene right out of the movies. Not only that, but Frank was spot on. He knew me all too well. Within three weeks, Shawn had been kicked to the curb, and I was onto my next kill.

That story still makes me laugh to this day. I wonder if Shane still thinks about it....

What I Really Wanted to Write

So yesterday I didn't want to blog about my creepy BIL. I wanted to blog about something much more fun. I don't know about all of you, but the depressing posts are really bringing me down. I don't like being down, and I don't like writing things that are depressing. However, I really needed to get them off my chest so I could move on. Now that I have done that, we can move onto funner things!

First of all, I want to say I think what R and my dad did really worked! My optimism on that front increases daily. I think I am truly free this time! Whenever a thought about her pops into my head (which is getting more and more rare) I think, "I don't give a sh*t," and move onto the next thought. No dwelling, no feelings, nothing. Ptht! Gone!

Secondly, today rocked! Seriously rocked! I got all kinds of Christmas presents in the mail from my family (all of which are perched under the tree waiting for Christmas), four Christmas cards to hang on my railing (which now makes a baker's dozen), and had three guests show up. Today felt like Christmas. On top of which, I am currently on a two week vacation from work so I can spend time with the best present of all, my baby. The two of us had a mostly fun-filled day. Not to mention the weather is gorgeous.

I also found my little sticky note that had the list of things I wanted to blog about. I mentioned this in the blog that got deleted yesterday. I don't know if you remember that one or not. When I found the sticky note today, I realized it really didn't have anything of great importance on it after all, which made me laugh because I thought all of the bullet points on it were huge when I wrote them down.

There was one thing on there that I am really excited about though. Last week two emails hit my work inbox that got my toes tingling. The first was a teaser asking if anyone in the office would be interested in joining Wei.ght Wat.chers if the company brought them in. We would still have to pay for the membership, but it would be something we could work on while at work. I clicked the "Hell Yes!" button right away. (Okay, so it didn't say "Hell Yes," but I wish it had.) I am 20 lbs heaver than when I got married. 10 of that is my infertility weight still hanging around. I would love to get rid of it and go back to being a hot skinny chick again.

The other one that got me all in a dither was asking if anyone was interested in taking yoga classes AT WORK for 6 weeks during January and February. Again, I clicked the "Hell Yes!" button. I took yoga for a while when I was undergoing infertility treatments and I remember it left me feeling incredible. I had to stop for a couple of months after my laparoscopy to let my body heal, then DH and I moved, and I never found another class afterward. I love yoga. Did I mention this is going to take place AT WORK?! My employer has been looking for ways to boost morale and get their employees healthy. I think they are off to a good start. I love my job!

Anyway, it is almost midnight and I have a fun-filled day ahead of me tomorrow. Not to mention my melatonin kicked in about an hour ago. So I am going to bid you all sweet dreams now. :)

Pardon Me While I Scream

I just wrote up and published a post I am thinking I should have left up, but I deleted it, and now I wish I hadn't because at least it was somewhat funny. But then I remembered I actually had something to blog about. So here goes.

My husband has a half brother whom I have only met twice. Once before we were married and again on our wedding day. The guy kind of creeps me out. He's one of those dudes who pretends to be all smooth with the ladies, but he just makes you want to go burn your clothes and take a shower after he walks away. He and my husband do not get along. At all. I won't go into the details of their relationship beyond saying they don't talk. In fact, when we got married, I told my husband if we ever had kids, I didn't want his brother around them. EVER. I even went so far as to say I preferred our children to think DH was an only child, to which he agreed.

His brother has called my phone a few times since DH and I got married, in an attempt to talk to my husband. You would think that if DH didn't answer his phone that should be a sign your call is not wanted. The last time his brother called my phone and I answered, DH ripped him a new one and told him never to call my number again. Shortly after our baby was born, he called DH's phone and then mine and left a creepy message telling us congrats on the baby. I deleted it before it was over.

We have recently decided that we are going to spend this Christmas with DH's grandpa, who also dislikes DH's brother. So much so that when his brother talked to his grandpa at our wedding, his grandpa didn't so much as acknowledge his existence. It was harsh and awkward.

We were supposed to go spend Thanksgiving with his grandpa, but the baby got really sick the day we were supposed to head down, and the doctor told us we absolutely should not expose his grandpa to the baby. We found out on Thanksgiving that DH's brother was there and both of us thanked God and the baby that she had gotten us out of going.

When we decided to go for Christmas, my stupid brain didn't even think about the possibility that DH's brother would be there... until Friday when I got an email from my MIL asking if we could please stop on our way down and pick him up.

I was seriously repulsed! Something I had been looking forward to turned into something I no longer wanted to do. If it wasn't for the fact we think it his grandpa's last Christmas, I would bail. Not only that, but I don't want the guy around my child! I don't want him touching her or looking at her. I don't want her to know he exists! And then to think of him sitting in my car with my baby?!?!?! I'd rather drive off a cliff!

I sent the email to DH and he told me to reply that we weren't going that way to his grandpa's, so I did. Then on Saturday I saw a new email from my MIL asking if we could please take DH's brother home from his grandpa's, since I had already told her we were probably going that way to visit DH's friends on our way home. I looked at DH and told him HE needed to address this. Its HIS mother and HIS brother, so HE needs to take care of it. I am not going to do that dirty work for him. I wouldn't expect him to do it if the tables were turned, so he needs to do it. I also told him that if his brother does come for Christmas and asks at any point in time to hold the baby or do anything with her, he has to step up IMMEDIATELY and tell him no. I told him it isn't my brother, so it is HIS job to keep his brother at bay.

As much as I wish his brother wasn't going to be there, and as much as I don't want the guy touching my child, I know both things are inevitable, which chaps my hide. I just might be taking my bottle of Xan.ex down there with me. I have very unfortunate family connections by marriage. *sigh*

Anyway, I just needed to vent that out to the bloggosphere in hopes that somehow the universe will keep his brother from showing up this Christmas. I am amazed his grandpa is allowing it, considering he ignores the guy's existence. Hopefully he won't be around very much... please God....

Free?

I am cautiously looking out of my bomb shelter to determine if I have yet won the war. I've been here once before, thought the way was clear and it was safe to come out only to have more bombs dropped on my door step. But this time it feels different. I don't hear anything. I don't see anything. I feel a sense of calm that I didn't before. Have I finally won? I have I really, honest to God won?

I think so!

I have been trying to update my blog for days now, but I have been so incredibly busy at work and at home that I haven't had time. I have been wanting and craving to write this post for days. I have so much to tell.

My reading with R was last Saturday. For the next two days, I moped around wondering how I was ever going to let go of things well enough to call it quits and have B contact me. I ached for the day, but reminded myself I had a few months to go yet. Every time I thought of her, I wondered if she was thinking of me in that moment too....

Then something changed. It was like a twig snapped in the silence and it changed everything within me. I began to notice that I was exhibiting anger. I was being short of patience with everything and everyone, which is very out of character for me lately. By Wednesday the anger was out of control. I was seething. I yelled at a complete stranger in a parking lot for being inconsiderate. Yes, she deserved to be yelled at, but I am never the person to call out complete strangers for lack of consideration. Not only did I yell at her, I did it twice!

I couldn't take it anymore, so I texted my dad and told him what was going on. I told him I was angry and I had no idea why. He texted me back, or so I thought he did, and told me to sink into the feeling to determine where it started. I angrily texted back, "B. I'm sick of this! I want it to be over and I want her gone. I don't want to talk to her. I don't care if she is going through crap. I want her to quit sending me vibes and go the crap away for good. I've had it!" I sat for a few seconds, almost shaking with rage. I sent my husband an email and asked if anger was part of the grieving process. He replied that it was. I had never been so angry about all of this.

I was about to text my dad again when I realized I had sent my last reply to R. I was shocked and thought, "Oh sh*t! Did I send the first text to R too?" When I looked, I had indeed sent it to my dad, but R replied. This is how our conversation went:

R: The anger is hers as well.
Me: Can I give it back? I don't want it. I want nothing to do with her. I just want to move on with my life. I yelled at a stranger today. I don't yell at strangers. How do I break the bond?
R: How strange was the stranger? (I laughed and caught his double entendre.)
Me: LOL! She was in her car on the phone and blocked the path between the store and the parking lot, so I yelled at her. Then she drove down the aisle my car was on, I yelled at her again. I am not a confrontational person.
R: Did you explain that to the officer?
Me: The one who took her to jail?
R: So you're saying that B has been put away in a safe place for good.
Me: I want her to be. How do I make her stay there? How do I cut the bond?
R: Throw away the key.

R then called me, but I was stuck in a work meeting and asked if I could call him back later. During this time, I felt my rage subsiding. I realized it was all a part of the grieving process that I had not yet been through before. I prayed that this was the final step toward my freedom. I then started envisioning the bond between B and I as a piece of skin that held us together. I took a knife to it and began cutting us apart. I knew it would take most of the day to make it through.

My husband suggested I go get a massage that night to help me relax, also to keep me from taking any of it out on him. Wise. Very wise. So I did. But before I left the office that evening, I knew something had changed. I felt different. My rage was gone, but so was the ache, the pain, the desire to peek in the windows of B's life. All of it was gone.

When I got home after my massage that night, I sat with my daughter while she was in her swing and envisioned making it through the last of the bond. I had cut all of the way through it. I called my dad and we walked through another visual that is now safely resting in the garbage can outside my house waiting for pickup next week.

Since Wednesday my only thoughts have been that it is over. I don't ache, I don't wonder what B is up to. I don't wonder how she is doing as a new mother. None of those thoughts invoke emotion or mental pictures anymore. When I think about her now, I think about how it is over and I am finally free. There is no more bond. It feels completely different this time than it has ever felt before. I'm praying this is it. I don't want contact. I don't want the bond. I want her gone for good.

I wish her all the best in her life and pray that she is happy. She deserves to be happy. I deserve the be happy to, and in order for that to happen, I need to move on from her. I'm praying this is where my happy ending starts.

There is Value

A while back, maybe last week or the week before, ~Ifer, from The Mind of ~Ifer, generously bestowed upon me the Valued Blogger Award. I was very touched by what she had to say about me and my value as a blogger. I find her every bit as valuable as she finds me. Thanks ~Ifer! (I even put the squiggly!)



This award is not like all of the other blog awards because we all want to not only know about you, but your opinion of your fellow bloggers. So, without further ado, I present you with the rules.

1. Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.
2. Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.
3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

That's it. Those are the rules. Now, before you think you can give the old line, "I don't want to pick anyone to pass this award onto because I don't want my readers to feel hurt if I don't pick them, so consider yourselves all tagged" I want you to realize that excuse tells all of your blog friends that you are wimping out, amongst other things. ;)

Don't feel bad that you can't award everyone, the award will make its rounds and eventually everyone will get it. If you feel bad enough, you can always award more than 5 bloggers.This award was started in December because it is the season of giving and bringing cheer to others. What better way to do that than to let the people in our lives know that we cherish them.

I seriously love this award. I have yet to find a recipient who hasn't been touched to receive it.

So, here is my reason for blogging!

As I have mentioned before, this blog is my secondary blog. My primary blog is more of a chronicle of my day-to-day life where I fight the battle against infertility and bite my thumb in its face. However, all of my family and friends in real life know about that blog and there are things going on in my personal life that I don't want them to know about, but that I am completely okay with sharing with complete strangers. Thus began the birth of this blog. It is my secret little hiding place from everyone IRL. The outlet I need to express feelings I don't need everyone knowing. This blog is more about the battle against the thoughts in my head and with the feelings and emotions I no longer want to deal with. This is their dumping ground. But like my primary blog, I choose to use my experiences to not only benefit me, but also to help uplift others. Let them know that they are not alone in their struggles. I have an almost completely different set of blog friends here, and you all serve a different purpose, just as I serve a different purpose for all of you than I do those on my primary blog. I feel warm and cozy here and safe in my little cocoon.

Now for the fun part - passing on the award! I hereby bestow this golden award upon (in the order of who updated last):

1. Noelle, from The Desire of My Heart - Noelle came into my life during my first time participating in ICLW. I remember her first comment was so sweet and sincere. I instantly felt a warmth toward her. She is a very strong woman who has been through the ringer this past year. Through her blog I have watched her try to pick herself up from a very tough situation and try to turn things around so she can move forward. It hasn't been an easy journey, but she keeps on pushing forward. I am very proud of her and glad that our blog paths crossed. She is a very sweet girl with so much to offer.
2. AnxiousMummy - I seriously love the ever adorable Anxious Mummy! She is an absolute trooper on my blog. She reads every mundane post and leaves the most beautiful comments that always make me smile, and always make me feel better when the going is rough. She and I are in somewhat similar situations. We both overcame infertility and are mothers trying and waiting for our next, and we are both scared to try for the next due to our histories in baby making. I think she found me during an ICLW, and once again, I am glad she did. She has made this journey easier to bear and I appreciate all of her words of encouragement.
3. Sass, from Secret Life of Sass and Lex - How anyone could come across Sass and not be an instant follower is beyond me. She is so stinking adorable and perky. Even the posts where she seems to be having a rough go seem upbeat to me. Perhaps she doesn't feel that way, but with the picture of her sticking her tongue out in her header, I can't help but take her posts any other way. I love her posts about her dog, Moo, and their relationship. There is nothing like a good dog! Sass, I'm glad you're in my blog world!
4. Hannah, from Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans - Hannah is a sweet, gentle woman whom I came across during ICLW. The first time I set eyes on her blog I was hooked. She is so cute, and once again, I feel like her posts are always so positive. I was following along as she underwent her first IVF. I couldn't believe how quickly she picked herself back up when it didn't work out. She is a wonderful example of endurance. Not to mention she is a wonderful aunt to two gorgeous little girls whom she adores so very much. I feel blessed to have stumbled across her blog.
5. Jill, from Hubby, Baby and Me... Would Make 3 - I kind of feel a little bit bad about awarding Jill right now because she just lost a loved one who was very close and dear to her heart. I don't want you to think in any way that I am trying to diminish your pain. I rather hope that it helps boost your spirits a little. Don't feel bad if you don't pass on this award Jill. Just know that I am thinking about you. Jill is another amazing woman who has overcome her battle against infertility and after a loss. I was lucky enough to join her on her journey to motherhood just as it began. I wish you all the best of luck with your pregnancy and look forward to following along with your symptoms over the coming months.

All right ladies, you have all been awarded. It is now your turn to pass on the award and warm fuzzies to some of your valued blog friends.

Head Conversations

Do you ever have conversations with other people in your head? More specifically negative conversations so that if the opportunity arises where you have to go to verbal battle, you are prepared.

Saturday my BF S and I were going shopping and had a conversation about this. She asked if I ever did that and I told her I absolutely did. The biggest reason I do is because I am not a confrontational person, so if the need arises where I need to defend myself, I want to be ready. I want to have my quiver full of insults and sharp words to fling back ready in the exact moment they are needed.

My biggest inner battle is between me and a woman I call "Crazy Dog Lady." I blogged about her twice when I first started this blog because I was in absolute shock that the whole thing had taken place at all, and then proud of myself for sticking up for me and every other dog owner who walks on the trail where I encountered her.

If you want a bit of fun reading, you can read all about "CDL" here (part 1) and here (part 2).

I still have conversation battles in my head with this woman because there is a very real possibility of coming across her every time I set foot outside my house. I swear I have never met anyone like her and hope to never meet anyone like her again.

Do you have head conversations? Or are S and I just that weird?

ROFL

In response to bullet point #5 of my post below, I did in fact get the exact lecture # I thought I would when I talked to my MIL today. I had to bite my cheeks to keep from laughing. She did add a newer lecture though:

Lecture #2,343,653 - Always go with your motherly instincts. Don't ever second guess yourself. As a new mother you will tend to second guess what needs to be done for your baby, but you should always go with your gut.... blah blah blah... swine flu... blah blah blah....

Just for the record, I don't second guess my motherly instinct. I'm smarter than that. 99 times out of 100, my instincts are spot on, so I trust them with my life... literally.

Good times.

Random

I wanted to do a blog post but wasn't sure what to post about, so I'll do a random, bullet point post, for your reading pleasure.

• Today I had good old fashioned Texas pit BBQ for lunch. It was sooo tasty. Being the loving, doting wife that I am, I got a bunch of meat to bring home for DH, who is a native Texan and a huge fan of the place I ate. I got 1 lb of sirloin, and 1/2 lb of sausage. I barely ate any of it before I was full. It was a $34 lunch. DH was very excited to see what I had brought home for him. It must be love. I smelled like BBQ for the rest of the day. In fact, even though I took a shower, I think I can still smell the BBQ smoke in my hair.
• The burning desire to write the letter to my friend has ebbed like the tide. I know the desire will erupt again at some point, which is when I will sit down to sort out my thoughts. In the meantime, I have gone back to the way I am 98% of the time and haven't even looked at her blog since I last posted about her on mine.
• The ci.talopram is great, but I think it turned off my worry mechanism, which is a bad thing. My ability to worry is what keeps me in check with regards to my spending and making sure the little things in my life are taken care of. DH doesn't see this as a problem at all. He will when my credit card statement comes!
• I haven't been to the shrink in a while because I couldn't afford it with everything else that was going on in my life, mainly the fact that my car kept needing repairs, new tires, and a new paint job. I will probably start going back in January, as I will be back in the TTC saddle in February and need an outlet for any stresses or fears that arrise with getting back on that ride.
• We had plans to go to DH's grandpa's for Christmas, but I think we're going to have to back out, as my baby keeps getting sick from daycare. A cold from her could be the end of him, and I'm not okay with that. I get to make the call to my MIL tomorrow. I can't wait. *blank stare* I wonder what lecture number she will pull out for that phone call.
  
  Lecture #4,343,212 - Well, I think you need to call dad and let him know yourself. If he's planning on you.... blah blah blah.... I guess I'll never get to see my grandbaby because dad is going to kick it any day, so there will be no reason... blah blah blah... You make sure you get her to the doctor immediately... blah blah blah... swine flu.... blah blah blah.
• While I feel slightly bad about writing the above, it is only about this - much. We haven't had the best relationship the past couple years, and since becoming a mother I've been trying to fix that. I like to think she is too, but she sure can get under my skin. I'm working on it....
• Its bedtime. Heck, its past bedtime. So I'm going to put down my computer and get some sleep because I want to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed to go shopping with my best friend S tomorrow. We have much catching up to do, which requires me to be alert.

Sweet dreams!

Sending Love

If you don't already follow Sass's blog "The Secret Life of Sass & Lex," I would ask that you please stop by and offer up love and support to her, as she just recieved some difficult news regarding the health of her gradmother.

Dear Sass, you are very much in my thoughts and prayers.

All my love and hugs!

Rotten Tomatoes

A recent post by Noelle at The Desire of My Heart got me to thinking about all of the people I have wanted to throw rotten tomatoes at during my years of battling infertility. There is one that really sticks out in my mind, and no, I am not talking about my old friend. Although apparently I was not that great at choosing bosom buddies in my youth.

No, no, this friend was worse. The first time I ever saw her, I instantly disliked her (this was back in my more judgemental high school days). I didn't want anything to do with her. I thought she was annoying and stupid. Long story short, we became best friends. I'll leave out most of the details, but she moved away our senior year of high school and we managed to keep touch throughout the years. When we were 23 years old, she moved back on her own. We started hanging out and partying. It was like the old days again.

I told her I was not ready to get married and settle down. I was enjoying the single life too much. As I've mentioned previously, I was a bit of a player. She told me she felt the exact same way. A few months later she met a guy. Three weeks later they were engaged. Two and a half months later they were married. My opinion of her went down like an a-bomb. She had reverted back to being silly and stupid. Apparently she only agreed with me because she was afraid she would never get married. *major eye roll here* So she married the first guy that came along.

Anyhow, she tried to get pregnant for a few months, and the next time I saw her was at a funeral. She was five months pregnant at the time and I was newly married. She sat there and boo-hooed to me about how they had tried for six whole entire months to get pregnant and she had given up when it happened. If I knew what I was in for with my infertility adventures at that time, I would have slapped her silly. I do recall rolling my eyes at her.

About a year and a half later, I was deep in infertility treatments, and she was made aware of this. As most people I knew at the time intended to do when I told them what I was going through, she panicked and decided she needed to start trying to have a baby ASAP to prove she wasn't infertile.

One day she called me out of the blue, crying because she had been trying for three whole months to get pregnant without success. She told me she had made an appointment with a fertility specialist and she was calling to talk to me because she just knew I would understand what she was going through. I didn't. I was angry that she had called to whine to me. I basically told her to stuff it, offered her zero comfort, and gave her a less than half-hearted "good luck" before hanging up with her.

By the time her appointment rolled around, she was two months pregnant. Shocker. I wanted to smack her into next month.

We next talked when I happened to be 10 weeks pregnant. She was all "excited" for me, but when I told her how early I was she told me that I could still miscarry. B****. I thanked her for her concern and told her I had to go.

She recently wrote on my wall on FB to tell me that she is not only pregnant again, but that it is with twins. *add horrible acting where I pretend to jump up and down with glee whilst clapping my hands and bobbing my head from side to side then suddenly stop, give a dirtily look, and flip the bird* Good for you sweetie. Good for you. :

Let me pretend I care.... Nope, can't do it.

At her I throw rotten tomatoes. Many, many tomatoes.

Now tell me if any of you have a story in which you have wished to throw rotten tomatoes at someone so insensitive in your life. Here's your chance to fling a big, juicy, rotting off the vine tomato in the face of someone who deserves it so very much. Fling away friends!

I Love You Long Time

All right friends, here's the skinny. Depression happens to run very much on my dad's side of the family... along with anxiety. (What is it with the double wammies? Endo+PCOS. Depression+Anxiety). As you can imagine, I've been on the whole range of anti-deps and anti-anxiety pills over the years. Tried them all, hated them all... until now. When I was battling PPD my dad told me he had gotten on cit.alopram and had been on it for a couple of years. He had all of the same side effects I did while on all of the other meds, and told me this one didn't give him any. He also told me it gave him a longer fuse, so things tended to upset him a lot less.

I went to my (now) old GP and asked for the prescription by name a few months ago. She told me she wanted to put me on wel.butrin and I told her I didn't want that. Especially as she said it could make my panic attacks worse. When I started seeing the shrink shortly after that appointment, she recommended me to a new GP who didn't hesitate to give me exactly what I asked for. The first couple weeks were fantastic. I could literally feel the effects of it on my brain. Then the dose quit working and I had to double it.

I have been on 40 mgs of cit.alopram for about 4 months now and I LOVE the stuff. I take it before bed because it helps me sleep, and then I get to enjoy all of the positive effects during the day. I can't believe how happy it has made me. I look back and wonder why the deuce I waited so long to get on it. Not only does it affect me, but it also affects everyone around me. I am so much happier, which in turn makes everyone else happier, including my dogs.

In addition to that, my fuse is almost non-existent. You know how they say don't sweat the small stuff? I don't anymore. I just don't care. I'm too happy to care.

I have to say, I used to be a slightly shy person before, but since I have been on this magic pill, I have been so outgoing its crazy. I'm making new friends left and right. Apparently they also use this medication for people with social anxiety. I can see why.

Do I recommend it? ABSO-FRICKEN-LUTELY!

Are You On Speed?

"Are you on speed?" This is a question my husband asked me in the past week. Why? Because my antidepressants not only make me one of the happiest people on the face of the planet, they give me super energy and I constantly feel that any project that needs tackling must be tackled, dominated, and completed ASAP. I certainly wasn't this way before I was on these blessed happy pills.

Just to give you a couple examples, the other day I asked DH to please go up in the attic and bring down an empty bin I had just put up there a couple days before. Before he could respond I happily said, "Never mind. Its cool. I'll go get it," and was walking to the garage before he had a chance to register what I had said in the first place. Thus spurred the "speed" comment.

My second example is that ALL of my Christmas shopping was done one day before Thanksgiving. Yes, ALL of it. I have one thing left for the Munchkin coming in the mail and that's it. Then I wrapped every single present this weekend and got the packages that are being shipped to family in their boxes and ready to take to the post office this week. But the fun doesn't end there, on no. I wrote our first ever Family Christmas letter, stuffed them in envelopes with our first Family Christmas Card Picture, sealed them, stamped them, and addressed them. They are all ready to go in the mail with the family parcels first thing this week. Although, I figured I should wait until at least December 1st to post anything just so I don't seem too weird.

Did I mention yet that I cooked a full Thanksgiving dinner completely by myself? It even included desert and the use of fine china. It was no small meal either. And yes, my house is spic and span. Seriously, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm on speed too.

I told DH at dinner tonight if he didn't like the new deliriously happy me that he had only himself to blame. His response, "I'll take it over psycho B any day." And just in case your wondering, happy people do get "it" more. ;p

P.S. I typed this post in three minutes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The other day I was in my bathroom getting ready for work when my iP.od played a song that always takes me back to the days when I was undergoing infertility treatments. More specifically, it takes me back to the days when I would put my dog in the car, roll down the windows, and drive to Ta.co Be.ll while singing this song at the top of my lungs to my dog. Every time I hear it, all of those old feelings come flooding back. The ones that were filled with hope and discouragement, aching for happiness, yet feeling despair. I held on tightly to the things in my life that made me happy to keep from sinking into darkness and depression. Those rides to the Bell were some of the happiest. My dog was at my side through each and every moment. When I had my surgery, she barely left my side until I was back on my feet. This song is still our song, and I think of her and those rides every time I hear it.

That got me to thinking about creating the video you see below. In it are random pictures from the two years in which I underwent infertility treatments. They were a painful two years, but ones that I look back on and am thankful for because they made me who I am today.

This is What Friendship is Truly About

This weekend I did something I always wanted to do: I went Christmas shopping with one of my best friends. The part I always wanted to do was shop with a friend who reciprocated my friendship and love for her. I can't even tell you how much I loved it. I was supposed to go shopping with one of my best friends, S, but her uncle died this past week and she had to go to his funeral. I had spent last weekend shopping with my other best friend, A, but asked her if she would come along with me this weekend because S had to back out. She gladly accepted, and was at my house first thing Saturday morning.

We then did another thing I have been wanting to do for a long time and haven't done but once since I moved here: we went to the mall. It was one of the best days ever. A and I have so much in common it is freaky sometimes. We think alike, like all of the same things, share the same mannerisms, etc. We were also in all of the same places at the same time throughout our whole lives, yet never met each other until we moved 1300 miles away from our homes here to Texas and then we met at work. What a very serendipitous start we got off to. Needless to say, we were instant friends the day we met and have been very close ever since.

When we started out shopping that morning, A told me up front she had no money, but came along to keep me company and help pick out my gifts. We ended up stopping at B&BW where she found the perfect gift for her sister. I, of course, offered to lend her the money to buy it, telling her she could even wait until after the holidays to pay me back. It reminded me of the day my old friend refused to loan me .26 cents to help pay for my lunch (.26 CENTS!). I loaned A $50 without batting an eyelash. Its money, and she means more to me than $50. I don't care if she never pays it back.

We spent four hours together on Saturday shopping, going out to lunch (which I happily paid for), and enjoying each other's company. She knows all about my old friend, and we even talked about her that day and I asked her if she thought I should write my old friend a letter, which I will get into in a later post. I told her so many times that day how much I appreciated her and the friendship we have. She feels the same way about me, which is so awesome to me. I didn't want the day to end.

When I am asked if I got anything out of the demise of my old friendship, I absolutely say yes. I learned to choose my closest friends more wisely, and I also gained an greater appreciation for the four (yes, FOUR!) best friends I currently have in my life. They really help make my world go round and I can't imagine life without them. My relationships with these wonderful women help me see what I was missing. I wouldn't trade them for all of the Bs in the world (my old friend's name started with a B [ironic, I know]). I thank God they are all in my life, and that the feelings I have for them are 100% mutual.

Its ICLW Time!

Hello friendly bloggers! I can't believe it is already ICLW time. I didn't notice when I signed up for it this month that it would take place over the Thanksgiving holiday. Total Bummer. I will do my best to keep up before and after the holiday though.

I absolutely love ICLW because I feel like it brings our ALI community closer together, even if only for a few days. We get to meet and reach out to new people, find new blogs, and share in new lives. It is such a wonderful experience.

For a bit of my back story, click the link above. In short, I started this blog when I realized and embraced the fact that I had PPD along with some PTSD from years of infertility. It became my therapy as I tried to heal my wounds and get my life back to where I wanted it to be.

I am glad I chose the road I did to help with my PPD. It has been an eye opening ride, but a good one. I can't even tell you what a difference it made. My PPD was bad enough it was affecting my job performance, and it caused my project manager to say things that shocked me and made me fear for losing my job. It wasn't until that monthly review that my eyes were really opened to just how bad off I was. That review, coupled with a few other events, caused me to finally seek the help I needed. Within a month everyone could see a huge difference. In my next review, my project manager told me he was finally seeing the woman he had hired a year and a half before. It took a little intervention from the people I loved and a little resolution on my part, but I am happy to say, my life is back on track and where it should be.

My husband and I want to have more children, but we're currently on a TTC break. If we had our way, there wouldn't have been much of a break because we wanted lots of children. However, my body has other plans, as I have extensive endometriosis and PCOS (a double wammy). Knowing this, we are happy with any and all children we are able to have, realizing our family won't be as large as we had hoped. We feel so fortunate and blessed that we were able to have one, and if that is all we ever get, we will be just as happy as if we had four or five. Our daughter is the light of our life. Having her after years of painful infertility treatments has brought us so much closer together than we were the day we got married.

I can honestly say, while the road was bumpy and sometimes threatened to throw us off completely, it was well worth hanging on. I have definitely managed to make my life the way I always saw it being. Now I continue this blog in an attempt to help others who struggle with infertility, depression, or anything else they need help getting through.

So that's my blog purpose in a nutshell. Welcome to my blog and my story. I look forward to meeting all of you.

The One That Got Away

Do you ever have those days where either you just feel nostalgic or you find something from your past that brings up old memories? Do you ever have those weeks or months were you savor the things from your past? The good old days with your friends, your first car, your old boyfriends, your old high school job, high school.

Let me tell you, I opened a time capsule this past weekend. It is amazing to me just how much stuff I have kept from my past. Old writing assignments, old letters from friends, some as far back as middle school, old journals, trinkets from trips and friends. All of this got me to thinking about all of the boys from my past. Yes, I want to call them boys because most of them were. There was, however, one man that my mind wanders off to every now and then. I wonder what he is up to. Wonder what my life would be like had things worked out between us.

Now come on ladies, I know all of you, even though married, have that old fling from your past that you think about from time to time. Let's be honest with ourselves here. I am sure even our husbands have that one woman. Its okay to think about it, to wonder, as long as you don't regret what you have now.

I wonder, do you have dreams about your old boyfriends? I do. Sometimes the dreams are great, and those are the ones where the old boyfriend comes back into my life (or I go back in time), and things end up just the way they are now, with me married to my wonderful husband. Sometimes in the dream I haven't yet met my husband, but I know that the boyfriend from the past isn't The One, and that we have to go our separate ways.

These dreams always get me to thinking about the old boyfriend and how his life has turned out. Is he as happy as I am? If things had worked out between us, where would we be now? How would my life be different?

But at the end of the thought process, I always come back to the same conclusion: I am so happy and content with the way my life is right now that I wouldn't change a single thing. I love my husband more than anything, and I love my daughter just as much. If I wasn't with my husband, my daughter wouldn't be here. How could I ever want that to be different? I couldn't. While it is fun to be nostalgic sometimes, it is more fun to remember how happy I am with my real life.

Things That Make You Go, "Yes!"

Finally, with the help of a generous backer (aka, interest-free loan from a loved one), I was able to get my car painted!

Thanks to the Texas heat and the proximity of my location to the equator, the sun was not kind to the stock paint and clear coat job of my car. Over the past year+, I have slowly watched my first brand new car go from something lovely, to something ugly.

Imagine this all over the roof and driver's side of the car.

Not only was she self-conscious, but I was self-conscious for her. I hated driving a car that looked like a clunker when I knew it wasn't. Maybe it is just me, but I felt judged. Especially because the city I live in is very affluent. Everyone around here drives cars that cost upwards of $45K+, and here I am, in my car that looks like a beater. It was hard on our self esteem.

I took her to a body shop and got an estimate. Over the next month and a half, I scraped money together the best I could, but other expenses kept coming up. Finally, a loved one stepped in and offered to loan me the money to take care of my car. I was grateful beyond words. It took me a few days, but I finally accepted.

Last week I dropped my car off on Monday evening, and she was ready to go by Wednesday morning. When I woke up Thursday morning, this is the sight that greeted my eager eyes.


She didn't look this good when she was new! The body shop sanded her down to the metal and then applied three coats of paint and three coats of clear coat. She had one coat of each off the assembly line.

Needless to say, I was stoked. I sent my loved one a picture with a very heart felt thank you, followed up later with a phone call.

I still can't believe how good she looks. I even still have a hard time remembering she doesn't look like a clunker anymore, and so I don't need to shrink down in my seat when I see people I know, or try to sneak into my car after work so no one knows I drive the junky looking car. Both of our self esteems have been returned to where they were the day our relationship began all those many years ago.

I plan on keeping this car for a long time yet. Who knows, it may be my daughter's first car. :D

Some of us are Gollums

A bit of my last post has gotten me to thinking the past couple days. In it I said that there is value in everyone. I still stand firm in that thought. When I say there is value, however, I don't necessarily mean that it is positive. Having said that, I do believe there is a positive to take away from all situations in life. It is all a matter of perspective and desire.

While I was contemplating the worth of people who do evil deeds, a quote from one of my all-time favorite movies, Lord of the Rings, came to mind. It is at a point where Frodo Baggins and Gandalf are in the Mines of Moria, watching as Gollum scuttles over rocks in search of his "Precious," or the ring that Frodo is carrying around his neck on a journey to destroy it. Frodo looks on at Gollum with a look of disgust and says to Gandlaf, "It is a pitty Bilbo did not kill him when he had the chance." He refers to his uncle Bilbo Baggins who also had encounters with Gollum, yet stayed his hand when it came to killing the creature. Gandalf's reply was simple, "It was pitty that stayed Bilbo's hand.... [Gollum] may serve a purpose yet."

While Gollum was a sad, pathetic little creature who seemingly only lived to fulfill his own wants a needs, Gandalf had the wisdom to know that his life would serve a purpose. In the end, it did. Gollum clutched the ill-fated ring in his hands as he fell into the fires of Isendard, destroying both the ring, and himself. He had served a purpose, and in the end, it was for the greater good.

Add to that, Gollum had obvious split personalities at times. There was the evil side of him who served only to benefit himself, and there was the good side of him that was once kind and giving, who wanted to trust and be of use to others. These personalities went to battle with each other often.

I recently read a story about an Ivy League student who was strangled and shoved in a wall just days before her wedding day. They eventually found her killer, but could find no other motive for his crime other than workplace violence. Most people would jump to calling him a horrible man right out of the gate. Burn him at the stake. I can't say I disagree. What he did was wrong, and he knew it. Hence his hiding his crime in a wall, hoping to never be found out. The latter shows that he is not purely evil. If he was, he would have proudly shown the world what he had done, as serial killers do. No, he had a moment of weakness. His family had come out and said they were shocked with what he had done. His girlfriend asked that people not judge her for being with him. He must have had some good in him.

The bible tells us that without sorrow, we cannot have joy. Sadly, and very unfortunately, that sorrow is sometimes brought on by the evil deeds of our fellow man. However, it is a necessary evil so that we might know the joy when we have it in our lives. While some people may truly be nothing but pure evil, they serve a purpose.

The fact is that in this world, some of us are Gollums who serve us by reminding us that there is good to be had, a positive to be found in all things.

He Didn't Take Any of it With Him

My last post was a segway into this post. I first wanted to get the point across about what a wonderful man I have for a father. I felt it would make this post more meaningful to my readers.

Last week I called my dad in tears, wondering how I was going to keep it all together. It felt like every time I would take one step forward in my life, I would be knocked back two. I never lost sight of what is most important to me, but the line between what was a priority and what wasn't had become too gray for my sanity. We have talked more frequently since my daughter was born and I started dealing with PPD. He has been there for me every step of the way, helping me find my way back, helping me put everything back into perspective.

During our conversation, I remembered what I had temporarily forgotten. This life is not about money, it isn't about clean houses, it isn't about job titles, or possessions. It isn't about looks, weight, or wrinkles. It is about family, friends, love, gratitude, and everything immaterial. All of the stupid things I was worrying or crying about when I called him would be a non-issue weeks, months, or years from that moment. They meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. They were just... things.

One of the last times I saw my grandmother before she died, she gave me some of her prized possessions. She knew that in a short matter of time, they would stay here, and she would depart this mortal coil. It was in that moment that I realized everything is just stuff. We can't take it with us. None of it.

I was relating this to my dad when he told me about how during the days after his father passed, he was standing in front of his dad's closet. My grandma came in and asked what he was doing. My dad replied, "Just looking at all of dad's things. He didn't take any of it with him."

Sure, things can bring us joy and pleasure during our existence on this earth, but they are not the end-all-be-all. They are certainly not anything to fret over. In the end, they mean nothing. Our relationships and who we learn to be during our time here is what matters.

Maybe there isn't anything after this life, and maybe there is. If there isn't, doesn't that making enjoying this life even more important? Why waste it lamenting what isn't? Why not enjoy the things we do have, but most importantly, our relationships with others.

I find myself being kind to everyone. There is worth in everyone. Sometimes it is hidden under the layers of of the person's experiences in life. Sometimes, and is rarely the case, the worth can be very minute, but it is still there. But in general, people are good. We're all here to be happy, to find joy. I find more often than not, people get joy most by bringing joy to others, myself included. Isn't that what it is all about?

If I could teach my daughter just one thing in this life, it would be to find the joy in life, not in possessions. To never let the line between them become gray. Because that is where true happiness lies.

My Rock

In all of the craziness that has been going on in my life of late, I always know that there is one constant.

My rock.

My father.

My dad and I have always been very close. He always knows exactly what to say to make a bad situation tolerable. He knows how to talk me down from a ledge. He loves me unconditionally, and the feeling is fully mutual. We have a bond that I don't share with any other person in my life, including my husband. My husband is great, but he doesn't think like my dad does, and he doesn't understand me the way my dad does. I don't think he really tries. That isn't a diss on my sweetie. I love him very much too, but our emotional relationship is completely different from the one I have with my dad.

When things go wrong, or when I feel like I just can't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders any longer, I call my dad because I know he will help me make sense of it all. He will help carry the load. He will pick me up off my knees, enclose me in his arms, and let me shed my tears on his shoulder.

I learn a lot from my dad. I try to be like him in all things. I try to think like him, treat people the way he would, look at everything in this world the way he does. My mind is open, my heart is accepting, just like my dad's.

I know I am blessed to have such a close relationship with my father. I know he doesn't share this same relationship with any of my other siblings. That is not to say I think he loves me more, but he does love us all differently. I am honored and blessed to be his daughter. He is the most wonderful, caring, generous man I have ever known. I have yet to introduce him to anyone in my life that doesn't instantly love or respect my dad.

He is a great man.

Oh My

I wish that I could say things got a lot better after my last post. They kind of did, but they also kind of got worse. It became apparent Sunday evening that I had caught my first cold in years. By Monday morning I was sporting a sore throat and had to call in sick to work. I also called the daycare and let them know my daughter wouldn't be there that day. Luckily, thanks to the help of my best friend who left work early to help me out, I got my car to the body shop yesterday afternoon. The guy at the shop honored his price from 6 weeks ago, which is a killer deal. He knocked almost $400 off his first estimate just to help me out. His price not only included the paint and clear coat, but he is going to take out all the dents and door dings. He told me he would put her back to showroom quality. I feel very blessed to say the least.

My poor car just has not been feeling good lately, and she has let me know it. In the last 5 weeks I have replaced both coolant hoses, my thermostat, all four tires, new front brakes, a new water pump, an alignment, a new stereo, and now a new paint job. Luckily I got some good deals from everyone involved in these updates, including the stereo. Someone knocked money off of service everywhere I've gone. Again, I feel very blessed.

My car and I have had some serious talks the last few weeks, and I made her promise to give my wallet a break for a while.

A few people have told me I should just get a new car already. I laugh and tell them after all of this, she is practically new. I have totally got my fingers crossed we are good for a while, especially where we have a 9-hour drive one way ahead of us for Thanksgiving. I can't have my car acting up on that trip.

I had to call in sick to work again this morning, and I don't think the outlook for tomorrow is that great either. I don't mind staying home when I don't feel good. I am glad that no one at work wants me there while I am contagious because then I don't feel obligated to be there when I feel like crap. I swear everyone at work carries around wooden stakes and strands of garlic to ward off those who are ill. They practically run you out of there with pitch forks and torches if you dare come in. Yay for me. I'd rather convalesce at home.

Anyhow, that is my update for now. I'm going to go sneeze and cough somewhere else now. Thank heaven for anti-viral tissues, cough drops, and Lysol!

Gutted

This picture is worth a thousand words. I think it is an accurate representation of how I felt tonight. A coworker of mine carved this pumpkin for our work pumpkin carving contest. Of course it won! Its fantastic!

I hope you all had a fantastic Halloween. Ours was pretty fun. The day started out great, but then I somehow cheesed (ticked off) the fates, and my day took a quick turn for the worst. This morning dawned absolutely gorgeous, perfect for taking pictures, which is exactly what we did this morning. My best friend brought over her Super Camera and we spent the morning taking family pictures for our upcoming Christmas cards, as well as some age marker photos of the baby. It was perfect.

Afterward my friend and I went to the party store to plan a surprise for her sister's birthday on Monday. It all just went downhill from there. Upon getting in the car, I remembered I had an appointment to take the munchkin to the doctor for her flu shot within the next hour. We decided to hurry at the party store, and then rush home afterward. Ha! Of course I chose the wrong route out of the parking lot and we spent more time sitting at a dysfunctional stop light than we did driving. I had called DH and asked him to please get the munchkin up and have her ready as soon as I got home. She normally eats around the time of her pedi visit, but today she was going to have to eat late so I could make it to appointment on time.

Long story short, we were almost 15 minutes late for our appointment simply because we were going to a pedi office I had never been to before and got lost. While trying to find the office, I noticed my car was overheating. Fantastic. While waiting our turn for the shot, I called the mechanic and let them know I would be bringing my car in. On our way out of the pedi appt, I could feel my darling baby girl's tummy growling. You'd never know she was hungry just by looking at her though, she was so happy. Luckily I had some little crunchies in the car, and put some on a burp rag for her to eat on the way to the mechanic.

We hit Every.Single.Red.Light JUST as it turned red all of the way to the mechanic, which wasn't a short distance away from where we were. I am ashamed to say, I lost my cool. Something I rarely do around my daughter, but my car was overheating, and I had a starving baby in the back seat. I was beyond frazzled. Not to mention, I was also starving.

I'll skip details, but it turns out my car is having some major issues. We're not friends right now. She is absolutely bleeding my dry, and it seems to be all happening at once. Basically, I am looking at dumping over a grand into my car for this weekend alone. That doesn't include my pending paint job next week. Yeah, I was in tears by the time I got home from picking my car up, as it sat, blowing off literal steam in my driveway tonight. It has to go back to the shop first thing Monday morning.

Upon walking in the door, I looked over and saw one of the biggest spiders I have ever seen in my entire life sitting casually on my hardwood floor, right smack in the middle of the room.

I HATE SPIDERS!!!!

They give me the willies, and I can't squish them because they always jump at me when I try. So I screamed, "What the HELL is that?!" to DH. Even he was shocked at the size. I burst into tears again, proclaiming it just really was not my day, as he did his manly duty and squished the spider with my shoe.

All I have to say is thank you to the makers of my antidepressants. They really do help me weather days like this a lot better than I would have otherwise.

The night did get better though. I dressed the munchkin up in her Halloween costume and together, we gave out candy to the trick-or-treaters. Every time we opened the door, the munchkin would squeal with delight to see all of the fun costumes. It is amazing how much one little smile or squeal of delight from her can make all of the worries of the world dissolve away.

After a heartfelt talk with my dad tonight, I remembered that life is about living in the moment. Car troubles, cleaning the house, money, and everything else is trivial. The most important thing in this life is to enjoy the time we are given and spending it with those we love and care about. Nothing else really matters.

The Winds of Change

As of 4:00 yesterday afternoon, things in our house have taken change for the better and will never be the same again.

Hubs has been working and running his own business from home since 6 months into our relationship. Unfortunately, with the economy being the way it was, things slowed down considerably the last year. Needless to say, the need for full time employment became imminent. At first I prayed that his business would pick back up because I was 8 months pregnant when he first posted his resume. I didn't want our baby to go to daycare.

Over the next few months I carefully watched my husband for any signs of stress about money. Luckily he is a penny pincher and so we had a lot of savings to live off of, but as time went on, those savings began to seriously dwindle. Every now and then I would see the panic set in with him, which would always send me off in a downward spiral.

The last few months have been the worst as I watched him go from being picky about what jobs he would consider to being willing to take anything that paid a reasonable amount of money. I saw sides of him I had never seen before and was powerless to help him. All I could do was offer love and support along with words of encouragement.

Then yesterday afternoon, he got the call we have been waiting almost 12 months for, he got a job!

At first I was excited and so relieved. Finally! Finally! A huge weight had been lifted off our shoulders. But then as I went to call my dad to give him the good news, the reality of the situation set in. Before my dad could answer, I was on the verge of tears. My daughter would be going to daycare. My sweet baby girl, whom I fought so hard to get here, and whom had been living the past 9 months at home blissfully with dad, was going to daycare.

I told my dad the news, and then broke down crying for the next half hour. I was so excited and so happy, yet I was so sad and upset. I hate those moments where you feel complete polar opposites with your emotions and there is no middle ground. I was so torn. I know daycare is a good thing. She will have structure, she will be taught, she will learn socialization skills, and all of those other good things. I am sad because she WILL get sick. I know its good because it will build her immune system, but what mother wants to see her child sick and be powerless to bring much comfort?

Now let us not forget all of the preparations that need to be made before she can even go to daycare... like finding one at the last minute! Luckily, I am pretty sure that will not be a problem. We're going to look at a couple facilities tomorrow, both have room, and both are highly accredited. On top of which, I have heard nothing but the best about them from coworkers whose children also attend there. That's not really the part that has my undies in a bunch, its all of the prep work I have to do to get her there. I'm going to need supplies for her to attend. Diapers, wipes in a tub, extra clothes, formula, bottles, baby food, etc. Yes, I already have most of those things, but I have to buy some just for the daycare center, and I have to get everything packed up before Monday.

On top of this, I was scheduled to take my car to a body shop on Monday after work because she is getting repainted after the Texas sun was so brutal to her the last 18 months. This whole business of getting jobs and daycare threw a little wrench in those plans, but I got it ironed out pretty quickly. I'm smart like that.

Now don't get me wrong. I am still so excited about this. In fact, when I woke up this morning most of the trepidation and fear I was feeling the night before were gone. I was onto being happy and relieved, looking at all of the positives.

Remember this post? It was all about our recent financial struggle. My prayers have been answered.

And remember this post? The financial side I alluded to had to do with DH getting this exact job. I asked R if DH would get this job. His answer, "I see two yeses, but a hesitation on your husband's part." DH was interviewed by two people. He accepted the job offer yesterday, and today a job was posted by another employer doing almost the exact same thing for 1.5 times as much money. He has been called by three different recruiters today for this job. Guess who is hesitating tonight? I have to admit, R is on way more than he is off. Am I the only one who finds that kind of ironic?

I think the next week or so will be rough as everyone in this house, including our dogs, adjusts to DH going off to work every day. I mean, that hasn't happened since we've been married! The adjustment period is always the hardest for me. I like being in the swing of things. It will only be a matter of time before everyone is accustomed to the way things are and will be from here on out. It is a good change, and one that we are all looking forward too.

The Overlooked Member

I have been meaning to introduce the overlooked member of our family for some time, but other posts continually took precedence. I would like to introduce you now to Bagera the newt.



Yes, yes, I've heard it all before, "She turned me into a newt...! Well, I got betta..." In fact, my first ever newt was named King Arthur. I think I got him when I was around 12 or 13. I have had aquatic creatures in my life continually since I was 7 years old when I got my first gold fish.



Bagera is so named because he loves to spend his days up in the branches of his plant. I got this little fella when I was a sophomore in college, so we have been together for a long time, just under a decade. He is by far the longest living newt I've ever had. My dad looked up the life span of a newt and found out it can be as long as 65 years! I can honestly tell you, it will be a sad day when this little guy kicks the bucket. We've got a lot of history.



In fact, my senior year of college, my landlady made a surprise visit. She then tried to change my contract to say that absolutely no pets were allowed... including aquatic creatures. One of my roommates had a fish tank that contained a fish she had also had for years. We both told her to stuff it, and that the caveat was not in our original contract, so our pets stayed. Like she was going to kick us out, she needed the rent money and we lived a few miles off campus in the boonies.

Now you have "met" all of the pet members of my little family. We love you Baggy!

Changing My Stars

Tonight I had the reading by my dad's friend whom I believe really has psychic abilities. Now, I want to say right out of the gate that I do believe some people really do have the gift of foresight. I have encountered a few of them who have said things to me that no one else in this world would know. I meet these people through my dad; they are good friends of his. My dad always taught me to be open minded and to realize that anything is possible. I realize that there are skeptics in this world, my husband is one of them, and that is fine. To each their own. For me, I have to go with what I feel.

That being said, I don't believe that just because something is told in a reading it means it is gospel truth. I believe that the readings can be wrong, or that one can "change their stars", to quote one of my favotire movies, A Knight's Tale. The readings provide hope where there might otherwise be none or little.

Just a little back story (I mentioned some of this in my previous post), my dad met his friend years and years ago, so this man has been in my life often throughout the years. He has a gentleness about him, a deep goodness. He is very kind and insightful, and I believe the latter is because he posses a true gift.

If you want more back story, you can see item #3 in my post below.

My dad had been in contact with R over the weekend and setup a reading for me tonight. As soon as he was available, R called. It was so good to hear his voice and chat for a bit. Then the reading began. I asked him if I would have any more children. I didn't tell him anything about our struggles or our current situation. Just asked if there were more. After a moment of silence he sighed and said, "You're not healthy enough right now. Your body is still healing. But I do see that you will have at least one more child. It will be a little boy." I almost cried. I have had a strong feeling lately that we would have one more, and that it will be a boy. He is right, I'm not healthy enough right now. My body is still healing from the birth of my daughter. We can't even think about trying for another baby until February.

I asked when said boy would come into our lives. He told me we would conceive next spring, specifically May-June, and the baby would be born in Jan-Feb.

I asked if there were any more beyond that. Silence, and then, "It will come down to a matter of what is more important to you: your health and your life, or a baby." Ouch. Seriously ouch. I know it is all true, my doctors have told me that. No one told R that, so hearing him say it cut me to the core. It wasn't what I wanted to hear.

We talked about other things too, but those are not for this post.

We're going to do another reading in a week to see if anything has changed, but it is mostly regarding our financial situation. He did give me some good news there, and we will find out if he was right later this week. DH has a job interview on Tuesday, which is round 4 with this company. We are hoping and praying he gets this job, but being an infertile, I am no stranger to not getting my hopes up higher than the knees of ants. All I know is that something has got to change and soon.

Blog Awards Abound!

I have been nominated for two blog awards by the very beautiful Hannah at Life Happens. Thank you so much! I have to say, one of the reasons I love Hannah is that she is an incredibly strong woman in the face of infertility. She has been though soooo much, including a recent miscarriage via IVF, yet she is determine to pick herself up and move on to the next round. She took her setback very well, which is incredibly admirable. Not only that, but she is a very thoughtful blogger. I enjoy her friendship very much.

The first award is this little ditty:



All we need is a little LOVE! This blog is about sisters uniting together and giving others some love because life is hard and who couldn't use a little love? The rules for this award is simple.I LOVE YOU=8 letters which gives you 8 rules :)

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love.
5. Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6. You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.
7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.
8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

I don't follow 17 blogs, but I'll pass this on the best I can.

~Ifer - Endearing
Sarah - Real

That's all. I'm lame, I know. If you want this award and come across my blog, consider yourself awarded.

The second award from the same beautiful Hannah is this little ditty.



Here are the rules for this award:
1.Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2.Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3.Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4.Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5.Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6.Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7.Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they've been nominated.

Seven new things huh? Well, here goes:

1. I am staying up really late to write this post. Its almost midnight, and I have to work tomorrow.
2. I am afraid to start TTC #2. I was excited until I realized how close we are to being able to try again and realized what we are really up against, and now I'm scared.
3. My dad has a friend who is a psychic. This friend said that I would have a baby girl, but that the road to her birth would be long and hard. I did, and it was. No one told him we were struggling to get pg. He recently said I ovulate late in my cycles, which is part of our problem TTC. I do. He had never been told that. He told my mother during a reading that I was not yet healthy enough to conceive, that my body was still healing from my last pregnancy. This is true and correct. We are not allowed to start TTC again until Feb to give my body time to heal. He said we would have two more children. He also said that I would not get pregnant in the next year. I hope he is wrong about the latter, but he has been spot on with everything else.
4. I am not a judgemental person. I don't care who you are, what you look like, or anything else as long as you are a good person. It is rare I come across someone I don't like, and if I don't like them, there is a very good reason.
5. I love to get people who don't smile at anyone to smile at me in passing. I work with four people who for the longest time would not smile at anyone in passing in the halls. They seemed jaded by life and not polite or pleasant people at all. They smile at me and say hello now. I broke them down. :D
6. I love to give. I am a very giving person. I love Christmas and any opportunity I have to give gifts. Giving is more fun to me than receiving. It is truly all the gift I ever want.
7. I married a true blue native Texan, and just gave birth to one a few months ago.

Welcome ICLW!

Here's a big WELCOME to ICLW participants!

My name is Saige, and the purpose behind my blog is to help me make my way back from PPD and PTSD brought on by the battle of infertility. For a complete back story, visit this post.

While I use this blog as an outlet for feelings that aren't always rosy, I try to mingle it with the bits of life that are truly wonderful. No one likes a downer all of the time, and no one likes to be a downer all of the time.

While I am not currently battling infertility, I fought the war and won round 1. In a few months, I will be back in the saddle fighting round 2 with new complications that weren't there in round 1. It is a fight I am nervous to fight, even more so than I was the first time. We have so much more on the line this time than we did before. For now, I am enjoying my break from TTC and filling my time with my beautiful daughter who was worth absolutely everything I had to go through to get her here.

Feel free to follow along on my journey to recovery as I arm myself for the war that lies ahead.

Thanks for stopping by!

Hope (Less)?

As an infertile, I am no stranger to hopelessness. I have definitely been there and back, and I seem to remember burning the t-shirt. It has been a long time since I have been where I am now. That Beatles song keeps coming to mind, "Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to speak with you again..."

Let me start off by saying the antidepressants are fabulous. Fantastic. More than I could ever hope for. But sometimes, all of the antidepressants and Valium in the world can't make life's problems go away. It can't make them better, and it can't make them change.

I have come to a point where I feel like I have talked everyone's ears off, and that if I keep talking through my problems with life, people are going to start turning away from me. They are just as tired of it as I am. But lately, it seems like no matter what I do, I can't get ahead. It is always one step forward, three steps back. The person whom I should be able to talk to just plain doesn't care right now. He feels that his plate is overflowing, and so can't be burdened with my problems. His plate is overflowing. So is mine. But I can't not support him. I can't shut him out. So I do what any good wife would do, and I try to take on his issues along with my own.

The truth is, I'm just not strong enough by myself to handle everything life is throwing at us. It seems that in my attempts to do so or to try to make things better, I only make them worse. My hope has been hanging on by a thread for almost a full year now, and we are worse off now than we were then. A year ago we had hope. We felt that the pieces of our lives would fall into place. We had faith. Everything had to work out. It didn't, and it hasn't.

I feel that I am at rock bottom right now. I feel very alone. Most of all, I see that glimmer of hope I had fading away. The last time I remember feeling this way was when we were undergoing infertility. I always wished that I could see the future to know what it was I needed to be doing to get where I needed to go. I find myself feeling that way again now. Do I even feel anymore, or am I so numb I just don't care?

I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what the outcome would be. I hate feeling like all I can do is plug along the best I can, all the while knowing that I just have to remember I did the best I could with the resources I had. How is this all going to work out?

This post is more a rambling from my brain than a blog post. I don't expect that anyone will read it. I just need to get my thoughts out to where I can see them. I need to be able to wrap my brain around them, dissect them, look for answers. Maybe try to find that little glimmer of hope that is so very near to being snuffed out.

Please God, help us. You have blessed us with an incredible baby, after years of heartache and pain. Now help us to take care of her.

I HEART Fall

I should be upstairs taking a nap right now, since this would be my only chance of the day, but instead, I am here with you, writing about something I love, fall, and sharing some of my all-time favorite memories.

In the years before DH and I met, I had a best friend named Nate. Every single Friday, Nate and I would go out and do something fun together. It was our day. Usually we went to dinner and a movie, hung out downtown, went on a quest for some new music, or went hiking. The latter was our favorite. At the time, I had a little dog named Ruby. She was my first ever Border Collie, and on top of that, she was red. Nate and I loved my dog, and we loved taking her hiking in the mountains near our homes. We have so many wonderful memories of going up into the mountains with Ruby, some that still make us laugh to this day.

Not only did we love hiking, we loved doing it in the fall, and we went as often as we possibly could. Here are a few pictures from some of my favorite hikes. I usually took my camera, and I am so glad I did because I will always have these moments to cherish forever.


Here Nate and Ruby pose for a fantastic picture moment in front of some golden quakies. According to the date on this picture, Nate and I had been friends for about three years at this point. Man we used to have fun. Sometimes I really miss those days.


This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of Ruby and me. It caught in one picture the heart of our relationship. We were both supposed to be looking at the camera, but Ruby reached up to give me a kiss just as the shutter opened. She did this a lot, and the paw always came up when she did. I always loved her kisses, and was always happy to take them. She was my pup.


The scenery was always breath taking. We could have spent hours upon hours in the mountains. We didn't care how cold it was. Light was our only enemy on these gorgeous fall days.


I was occasionally afforded the opportunity to let Ruby off leash. She loved these moments, as it gave her a chance to run through the brush and explore.


Seriously, does it get any more beautiful? In real life the golden trees look as though they are glowing. It is incredible, and there is nothing like it. I really, really miss my mountains, especially at this time of year.
I guess Ruby needed a break. Nate loved taking his turn walking her on our hikes. We took this dog everywhere we possibly could.

I just can't resist sharing these gorgeous pictures. I hope you can't get enough, because I sure can't. I had a hard time eliminating pictures from this post. I wanted to share them all.

Finally, I wanted to share a slightly quirky picture of me in what Nate and I liked to call the swamps. This area reminded us of the movie, LOTR. You can see on my face how happy I was in those days. I was so young and carefree. I valued and looked forward to my time with Nate every weekend. We were never romantic, but we were certainly the best of best friends.

I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane with me. I know I will enjoy looking at these pictures all next week at work. :)

Falling for Fall with a Knee-placement

The past couple of weeks I have been meaning to get around to pulling out my fall wreath for the front door. I LOVE fall! Last weekend, the Munchkin and I went out to the shed to see if it was located where I last remembered seeing it. Much to my pleasure, it was right where I remembered. Even more to my pleasure, I found a matching garland when I opened the bag to show the wreath the light of day for the first time in two years. I didn't remember purchasing the garland, so it was like Christmas to find it. Sadly, my wreath hanger was not in the bag. So for the next few days, the wreath sat next to the front door until I could locate a hanger.

On Saturday morning, I went out into our fancy and super organized garage to find a Christmas box I was sure had a hanger in it.


Enter idiocy.

You see that ladder haphazardly propped up against the boxes? My Christmas box was on a shelf just above it. I thought to myself, "I wonder if that ladder is sturdy enough that I could just climb up it just like that and get the box down." I did. Only two steps from the bottom of the ladder, I knew I had made a HUGE mistake. Max was waiting patiently at the bottom of the ladder and barely got out of the way in time. I remember falling forward, looking at all of the crap all over the floor and thinking, "Oh sh*t, this is gonna hurt!" Oh boy did it ever! I landed smack dab on my knee. Within nanoseconds I was seriously nauseous and dizzy. DH came running to make sure I was okay. I was totally not okay. I couldn't breathe the pain was so intense. Tears were streaming down my face. I wasn't crying, it was a reflex from the pain shooting through my knee. I sat back on the ladder, trying not to vomit and trying not to pass out. I know, I was stupid. STUPID.

In my defense, our garage is not supposed to look like that. I have been trying for some time now to clean it out and put most of it where it belongs. In this currently empty shed:


Okay, that's not much of a defense, but I like to think it is. *sigh* DH felt so bad that he went out and started cleaning out the garage a few hours later. What a sweetie. I love him.

I did, however, find the wreath hanger. I hung up my wreath and garland, while my knee throbbed. It still hurts like a beast. I'm still waiting for the bruise to come to the surface. Lesson totally learned.


I wanted to show you that Max was completely unharmed by my stupidity. She was so happy to pose for this picture, especially since it was her all by herself with no Red. Welcome to my newly decorated fall doorway.


The garland turned out fantastic, if I do say so myself. I love it. I love fall.


This table is just below the stairs and right next to the front door. The plug-in puts off the most wonderful fall aromas. I love those dual air fresheners, especially in seasonal fall scents!

Yes, I seem to love everything. Its true. I guess the anti-depressants I'm on are really working huh? I love them too. :)

P.S. If you missed it, the directions for cheese soup are in the post below. :)